Struggling NT

Post Reply New Topic

You really should be on that other forum for sympathy. Check it out: http://forums.delphiforums.com/aspartners

You're not likely to like my post either, but I'm going to post it anyway.

Aspies are all different. Some of us have friends, some dont. Some are rigid with routines, some aren't. Some of us like to control our environment strictly, some don't. Etc, etc, etc. It's also not something that can or should be diagnosed by a third party. Did your therapist tell you that he could also have OCD? Did she tell you that he could also simply be a person without a diagnosis who doesn't like to be social?

I have been married to an NT for over 25 years. We have 4 NT kids. I have AS. I have friends and am social. I don't have wierd routines about sex. I'm affectionate with my kids. The tone of your posts was "I'm afraid my husband has AS, I want him to go to a doctor and try to fix it so he's different! I can't be married to someone without friends! I am unhappy with my sex life and it's all AS's fault!" It's not AS fault, it's simply how your husband is.

My NT husband doesn't have a lot of friends. He never goes anywhere except to see his family. I hang out with friends much, much more than he does. Nobody ever calls him either. After 25 years, sex isn't much different than you describe in your post, and my husband is NT! That isn't AS, that's just how the guy is.

I didn't even know I had AS until a few years ago. It's never been a problem. Sure, I had problems when I was younger, but I'm 47 and back then, you were just peculiar or shy if you were like me. I apparantly don't have severe symptoms from my AS, because I was able to force myself to do things like the other kids did them. I enjoyed a social life for a while, but it does get old sometimes, and I do enjoy time alone, and always have. From time to time.

It doesn't sound like you have a whole lot of understanding of how AS can manifest itself in people, and what symptoms they can have. Your husband may very well be simply an NT with strong preferences. What are you going to do if that's the case?

Having AS does not mean that he cannot choose to accomodate your wishes, especially since he sounds very high functioning. Maybe he's an NT who chooses not to. My husband doesn't like to talk about emotions and isn't demonstrative at all. I am the opposite. I want to talk about every feeling that I have and I want him to be interested. He simply isn't like that. He isn't going to get worked up over something that's upsetting me, if it's not a big deal. We compromise by him listening to me vent about it, and I understand that is his way of showing that he cares. Because he does care, he simply isn't me, and he also didn't come from a "Build Your Ideal Man" kit.

Marriage is about compromise. It's give and take. Whether he is AS or NT or whatever he may or may not have. You have to sit down and tell each other what you want from each other, and listen to what the other is willing to give or change. You have to change too, not just him. You have to give up some things and he does as well.

As for anxiety medication for him, has he complained of anxiety, or do you assume he has it because he's not feeling or doing the things you feel and do? The only pill that will make a man do what you want when you want is Viagra, and they only do that until it wears off or they get what they wanted

Before pushing him into getting an AS diagnosis, I would go to a regular marriage counselor first. It sounds like you both have issues to work on.

Frances

Thanks, Frances. Actually, you were pretty kind. And you are right about a lot of things. I think that my depression is more likely the biggest problem. He wants me to find another way of dealing with it other than meds. That's not likely to happen.

We have been instructed to take a personality test by our counselor to see the differences in our personalities. I think I have an idea of what his might be, but if you throw in OCD or Anxiety, that makes it much worse. My husband does not want to be labeled anything! So if he's told by a doctor that he has OCD or Anxiety, he would likely try to find a natural cure. If there is no natural cure, he would expect me to adjust, which is what has been happening even before my counselor brought up the whole Aspie thing.

I believe that if a person has a disorder, it is cruel to subject and burden loved ones with the effects. It's just wrong. I take medication so I won't burden friends and family whom I love. As I have said before, I am the only one who tells him these things, so I am the only one who takes the heat. I've been doing this for almost 5 years now.


Still trying, but even these anonymous posts are wearing me down. I don't care what people's opinion is if it's negative or "dry humor". Whatever. I hope it's not AS. But something tells me that whatever it is, he will not address it with the urgency that he should, rather I should adjust, which is what I have always done. Because he doesn't have friends or confide in anyone, he can not know how much adjusting I've done just to stay in the relationship. That's the really sad part to me.

OP, I'm going to encourage you to put aside your concerns about your husband's diagnosis for a moment. What's coming across in your latest posts is a story of a couple who seems to be locked in a power struggle. You want him to be medicated; he wants you to stop your medication; you want him to be diagnosed; he refuses to be labeled; he participates in massage therapy; you don't like the way he participates. You blame him for your depression, while seeming to take none of the responsibility yourself. Look, I understand your despair, but you did choose this man. You knew what he was like before you married him, and you went ahead and married him. I'm sorry that your marriage is depressing you, but you have to take responsibility for the decisions that brought you to where you are.

If your husband is on the spectrum, it's very possible that he'd have a difficult time understanding that problems in your relationship have to be addressed by both of you (theory of mind difficulties). But you have to own your contribution to your relationship woes as well. I'm concerned that unless you do that - fearlessly and honestly - you won't see any real progress in repairing your relationship. Good luck.

You're more optimistic than I am. I think OP has already decided her future will be denial and comfort. Though I don't understand why she's posting here rather than aspartners.

Hi. I'm sorry you've been getting so many rude responses. For what it's worth, I found it really helpful when my mother informally diagnosed me with Asperger's a few years ago. Partly, I'd always known I was different, and having the quasi-diagnosis gave evidence that I really was different and it wasn't that I was crazy, and partly because the diagnosis helped me understand the world better. People in this thread have said that your husband has probably learned all he's going to, but I'm learning new things continuously, including ways of compensating for the hard aspects of Asperger's, and expect to continue doing so until I die.

I don't think the diagnosis will really do anything except perhaps make him see what he's like, but of course he can deny it.

You don't need a diagnosis to get anti anxiety medication.

I understand its hard I've watched the same thing with my parents. But you can't make someone do or think what they don't want to.

Try to think how the diagnosis will benefit or help. It won't help with any of the problems you listed. Only anxiety medication will.

The only solution here imo is getting him to see that he needs help and perhaps get on some anxiety medication.

Ellie, please ignore the people here giving you a hard time. I have seen what aspergers partners can do to people and although it's not the aspergers partners fault, it damages the NT partner. Looking at the transformation of my mother is an example.

I have aspergers, so I can only give you a point of view to which I think seems fair. A lot of these men are taking offence because they have issues with being rejected by NT women.