Meeting girls in College environment..... Do's and dont's
Sweetleaf
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Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
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02 Dec 2011, 3:21 pm
^ Ok, I respect this. I even admitted I'd have to be more assertive and possibly strategic to achieve an end. i have every intent of seriousness and finding real love.
The thing is that the real me is just a doormat who get ignored and passed over by more savvy individuals who instinctively play social games. I have the feeling I need to "up" my game atm and fight fire with fire if I ever want to get anywhere and not get stomped on.
My "plans" are no serious personality shifts, but just efforts to go get in the door and make a good first impression.
I feel I just need to move out of the 'black and white' thinking to "shades of gray" I'm sorry if some don't like it, but my old ways were complete failures so I need to really focus on my first impressions and if possible strategize when and where to talk to certain people, and when to reveal things.
Well trying to make someone jealous is not a very good way to make a good impression, also what about the girls you would talk to to make the 'attractive' girl jelous? most people don't like to be used like that and will feel quite bad when they realise what your intent was.
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Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,278
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
02 Dec 2011, 3:23 pm
(chuckles to himself)
I'm not at the high-functioning level of AS to where NT girls would perceive my differences and introvertedness as "interesting quirks," or what have you. For me, there is too much of a "gap" between my social-IQ and the level of girls commensurate with my intelligence. I have to date a certain level of girls to have quality conversations that will build a satisfying long-term relationship.
My social IQ is so low, but my intellectual ceiling is so high........... I have to attract a girl with a lofty-enough IQ to be intellectually compatable. However, I will never get past the first step without struggle on my part do to the grossly uneven disparity between my social and intellectual functioning.
No girl will ever look favorably on my "genuine" first impression. My only chance is to get my foot in the door with one girl after another. And if one rejects me after some time, then I will keep trying again, and again, and again, until I hit the jackpot. I refuse to just "be myself" anymore and wait for something I know will never come. I have to get out there and work for it, and throw as many darts against the wall as possible, and eventually 1 will stick.
I don't think I'm socially as high-functioning or naturally gregarious as most of this board to where occasional friends and dates will drop in to my lap.
I don't see why its such a big deal I would try to talk to many girls to try and create the appearance of gregariousness, and to try and open many doors to see where things might lead.
You know not all girls are exactly the same.....so how do you know none would ever accept you?
_________________
Tis the time to melt the Ice.
02 Dec 2011, 3:51 pm
I won't lie, I've been in this situation when I was in my late teens (as both being ignored and ignoring great guys), but after a few disappointments I learned a few things. I could never be with someone I'm not attracted to, but it's not the point here. The point is not to miss a compatible person just because she is unable to "sell" herself or present herself as a person everybody would want to date.
Well, I think we are on two different channels, since your real issue with me seems to be some "sexism" in my ideas. I've reiterated again and again that I keep an open mind towards who my potential partners may be, and I am willing to consider a wide variety of women. I also look look for possibilities in girls who are not superficially flirty or the ones who would not be the consensus "top choice."
The fact of the matter is that I am perhaps picky and I have high-standards (according to some.) Mabye some think I don't deserve the best and I should get "stuck" with someone marginal or plain, or it is my lot in life having AS to settle because its "unfair" that some "shy" girls should remain partnerless. I'm just not being socialist or egalitarian enough, or not accepting my prole status by chasing the best......... Perhaps this has sexist undertones by dare stating that a guy would have some preferences in who he wants to date, since girls at the bottom of the totem pole would be left out. (For example, I would not accept an IQ more than 20 points below mine since I would be bored to tears by the conversations.)
02 Dec 2011, 6:27 pm
To be honest, I have a love/hate relationship with you original post. On one hand, I understand how you feel and I'd really like to give you some advice (which I did). On the other hand, some of the aspects of your post give out the sexist vibe, namely, the whole talk about manipulation, marginal girls, queen bee, bottom of a totem pole, etc. It seems like you think you deserve "better" and that you should learn how to hide your AS traits to snatch one of those girls... Instead of searching for a compatible person.
I don't think anybody should settle for less just because they have AS, but I do think the "best" partner is the one that is compatible with us. Meaning, you must be ready to be yourself. No faking will get you a good girl that will understand you.
On the other hand, if you're looking for a popular girl to suit your ego, or a girl for sex, it's another issue, but judging by your post, it's not what you're looking for.
As for intelligence, there's a difference between an IQ and an education. So you should decide which of those interests you more. As for the intellectuals, I spend my time around them and trust me, they're often very boring. Just saying...
02 Dec 2011, 7:08 pm
No matter what the situation, I always try and act like an NT as much as possible and play "a social game" wherever I am. I always do this just to make the best first impression I can....... if I was to act out on my pure AS instincts all of the time, I would barely be tolerable in public, so I have to keep on "the game face" when I am in public all of the time. In fact, I spend so much time faking it and suppressing my worst traits, that this NT-facade has become intrinsic to my personality anyway.......... its actually kind of a hobby/passion for me atm to pose as an NT, enter and analyze social arenas, reading intentions, etc. So i'm really a bit of a hybrid-these days.... my NT side is learned.
I keep my "game face" on all of the time as an NT, just to get a better result from any encounter I have with any other people.
The fact that I try hard to conceal my AS traits has just become pretty much an inherent part of me anyway. I actually have a very good idea of what I am looking for in a girl. I actually want a girl who is hyper-social and one who can balance me out, and possibly even reciprocate with me playing some NT-social-games.
I actually think another girl who is "shy" or kind of reserved might be almost the worst thing for me. I have a really good idea of the kind of "preppy" girl I want.
02 Dec 2011, 7:25 pm
I actually think another girl who is "shy" or kind of reserved might be almost the worst thing for me. I have a really good idea of the kind of "preppy" girl I want.
What you're saying here makes sense. Some AS people want their partners to be on the spectrum, while others feel it's better for them with a NT who can balance them out and get them back on track. Or someone who can help them with the social cues, etc.
The only thing you need to keep in mind is how social you are. Hyper-social people have a large circle of friends and usually like to be constantly on the move, socializing all the time. You you date such a person, chances are that you will be expected to socialize heavily. Maybe that's ok with you and maybe that's what you want, but I know many AS people can't stand the crowd and constant socializing. So that's another thing to keep in mind.
02 Dec 2011, 8:16 pm
^ Thanks (smiles)
I don't mind my potential girlfriend being the "social chairman" of the relationship. I would like to expand my social circles, and I want someone who is personable and has many of the qualities I inherently lack. I'm just also really attracted to the "preppy" type of girl for some reason.
While I would be open to dating a more introverted type of girl, I'm of the opinion that sharing most of the same qualities would be a bit redundant, and it would only be a continuation of many of the same type of things I've been used to most of my life. Also, personally, I have always got along worst with people who also more introverted for some reason (I'm not sure why, but I far prefer talking to gregarious NTs.) I've known a few other people with AS in person, and I did not get on with them at all. I want a very NTish girl who will challenge me.
I am hugely hugely attracted to the preppy type of girls who put a lot of effort in to their beauty, and follow up on all of the current fashions and styles. I'm not saying they have to be a cheerleader type or prom-queen type, but NT girls who look very presentable and who fit in very well with contemporary society just really do it for me.
Obviously if I get in "over my head" with such a relationship, then I may take that experience in to account and reconsider things.
04 Dec 2011, 8:26 pm
Pengu1n, I know your situation quite well. There is no reason to settle, time spent with someone who can’t match your level of engagement and enthusiasm is dreadful. Time alone is much more enjoyable than a night stuck amid vapid conversationalists. There are so many of them that it’s nearly impossible to withhold the overwhelming enthusiasm upon finding a delightfully curious new creature. But when this scares people off, I wonder did you ever have a slight suspicion lying in the back of your mind? A growing disquiet, a twinge of doubt, and you start to wonder, “Is this actually the right person?” Have you suppressed these notions and tried to maintain the enthusiasm when you first found them enticing? I certainly have, more times than I’d care to remember, until I finally learned to trust my instincts.
If you’ve been correct in your snap assessments of whether people are worth your time and interest then you have good instincts. To be honest it’s a bit surprising that you seem to heading towards what will likely be further disappointment. While there’s certainly a point where intensity is overwhelming, there isn’t a great reason to dial it back tremendously. The chances of meeting someone else who can match that intensity back are quite slim, but when both of you sense it in each other it’s f*****g electrifying.
There’s nothing wrong with changing aspects of your personality. If there are bad qualities that you want to fix, improving them is the right decision. Rather than working on improving your social skills in the environment where people you’re interested in can observe your blunders, try a change of setting and do practice. It will never feel natural and it will almost always be exhausting, but it is possible to navigate the social waters of the NT with finesse.
As horrible as it may sound a lot of the “gameish” techniques do work: Making your social status appear greater, making women work for compliments, holding back enthusiasm and not putting a tremendous effort in initially, etc. It can be extremely effective with a certain set of women, but these probably aren’t the women you’ll find satisfactory. Despite success playing by the rules that work, the artifice ate at me to the point where I found myself abandoning battles I’d already won. It hardly seems worth the time or effort anymore, I’d much rather stay at home and learn something new.
If you truly do want the social butterfly that drags through the sordid lot of BS conversations that somehow manage to keep most people entertained, I wish you the best of luck. But if that voice of dissent is trying to turn you away from someone, I’d heed its words.
04 Dec 2011, 10:58 pm
^ Hey there ! !
I know about myself that I still have a very high and dialed-up energy level, and I still have a tremendous enthusiasm to "get out there" in the world. Its like I just want to try and try again, and I don't give a damn about rejection but I want to latch on to every opportunity possible.
I have been rejected and failed and "hurt" so many times in my life, that when it happens now, it barely phases me......... just pinpricks I hardly notice. I have a short memory, so I just keep trying and trying and trying. A social butterfly and someone who can match me conversationally seem like my best odds and the ones I am most drawn to. An introvert just isn't what I am seeking. And when I fail with my first long-term experience with a truly vivacious woman, it will be "just another failure," and it won't cause me to regress and dwell on it for years and years........... smashing me back to the stone age. I'd rather try hard and have the failure then play it safe.
I'd rather want something I don't have than have something I don't want. I think my instincts are very good, and I trust them well (but as you said, it has been a shortcoming of mine in the past where I try and "force" a spark after the initial excitement starts to fade.)
05 Dec 2011, 12:38 am
There's another thing you have to keep in mind. Girls don't like guys who flirt and approach all of the girls. You will meet only a selected number of women, so if one turns you down, moving on and approaching her friend or a classmate won't be the easiest / the best thing. Women talk to each other, you know, so it will soon become clear you're approaching and flirting with many girls. Which is not the best thing in your situation.
05 Dec 2011, 2:46 am
it seems to me like u know allready what u need to do and maybe need to improve on
its true being yourself is the way u should go, but what we forget we is that we can be ourselves and say many things that would be considered TMI
or we can be ourselves and be more appropriate with our words
i think we all know socializing is a skill, that aspies tend to struggle with
and many of the things that pengu1n says his issue are when talking to girls
are realy skill related not so much who he is as a person
realy all pengu1n is trying to do is think of away to test his skills so they can hopefully improve
now his method might not be the best and definitely not ideal but its good to see someone trying to improve themselves and not focus solely on their own loneliness
my advice do less thinking and go with ur gut, oh and always hav book with u to read when ur waiting for ur next class(or hav down time on campus) so to keep ur eyes busy so their gaze doesnt wander and make random people think ur starring at them
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keep an open mind but not so open your brain falls out
05 Dec 2011, 3:14 am
I have been rejected and failed and "hurt" so many times in my life, that when it happens now, it barely phases me
On that note, I don't think pretending to be something you're not will work because as stated by deconstruction, there isn't any shortage of attractive, popular guys. Instead you have a much better chance at a sustainable relationship if you can stand out to them in some way or create an emotional response rather than trying to be something you're not. They aren't going to be accepting the real you as you stated, just a facade you're going to put up which will most likely lead to a painful break up when you can no longer act or keep it up.
