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Jono
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31 Jul 2013, 2:06 pm

Stalk wrote:
If she is from a small town in South Africa. I would bet that she was making contact with someone else more frequent than with you. This person could at the time fill her emotional needs more frequently than you could :|

What I am saying is, she probably cheated on you and felt guilty. Your mother is probably right.


In the beginning when I we started dating, I would of doubted that for 2 reasons. The first one is that even though we had very little face to face contact, she could of contacted me at any time when she wanted anything from me, including emotional support. The other reason is that she lived in Sasolburg, where there are few places where could meet other people, despite it being quite small. However, it may be the lack of face to face interaction that would be a problem, I certainly wanted to see her more frequently. Also, she may well of found someone else at the end and that's why she broke up with me. I don't want to speculate that she might of cheated though, I don't have any proof and I'd like to think that she didn't. In any case, it doesn't matter to me now, I've been trying to find other people on OKCupid and I'd forgive her even if she did.



The_Face_of_Boo
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31 Jul 2013, 3:51 pm

Btw, Jono, are you sure she was your GF?

I am not trolling but I can't see how she would be your GF based on a 3 dates only.

Was she used to call you bf? Did you speak outright together about the bf/gf level?



Jono
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31 Jul 2013, 3:55 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Btw, Jono, are you sure she was your GF?

I am not trolling but I can't see how she would be your GF based on a 3 dates only.

Was she used to call you bf? Did you speak outright together about the bf/gf level?


Actually yes, I did talk to her about it directly and I think we agreed to try a long-distance thing. Also, this wasn't based on those dates alone but also the e-mail messages etc. We used to send e-mail messages to each other on an almost daily basis in the beginning, already after the first date. My second date with her was about a month or so later.



Jono
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01 Aug 2013, 3:28 am

By the way, that last point was why I linked to this from the other thread. My original question in there was about whether one could consider oneself in a relationship based on the number of dates you've had with said person, to which she Kjas replied that you're in a relationship when you actually ask them to be your girlfriend or boyfriend or they ask you and you have an agreement (normally to be exclusive):

Kjas wrote:
It's a relationship when they actually ask you to be their girlfriend, before that both are free to do whatever they please - a relationship has a clearly stated agreement to not date anyone else once you are their girlfriend. Although some people prefer open relationships, and have their own set of rules or agreements in place. But they are spoken agreements. The point is that someone actually comes out and makes a verbal agreement, after which the agreed upon points are ok to expect.


The point is that I thought that there was such a discussion, even though I only had 3 dates with her. I also remember telling her that I didn't have a problem with her talking to other people on OKCupid while we were together, as long as she wasn't intending to date them as well. So, my question to you is, does this still count as a relationship i.e. gf/bf status? Since, we did talk about it explicitly even though I only saw her three times?

Also Boo, keep in mind that the only reason why I only had 3 dates with her was because of the distance issue, otherwise most of my interaction with her was either by e-mail or by SMS's. If we had both lived in Johannesburg and/or either of us had driving licenses then we would of dated more regularly and I don't think that I would of gotten to know her any better through dating than what I did through that chain of 90+ e-mail exchanges I had with her instead. Do you think that face to face dating is the only way to get to know someone enough in order to promote them to GF status? If not then does that mean that you think long-distance relationships are illegitimate (because obviously people in long-distance relationships can't date that often)?



The_Face_of_Boo
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01 Aug 2013, 4:05 am

Jono wrote:
By the way, that last point was why I linked to this from the other thread. My original question in there was about whether one could consider oneself in a relationship based on the number of dates you've had with said person, to which she Kjas replied that you're in a relationship when you actually ask them to be your girlfriend or boyfriend or they ask you and you have an agreement (normally to be exclusive):

Kjas wrote:
It's a relationship when they actually ask you to be their girlfriend, before that both are free to do whatever they please - a relationship has a clearly stated agreement to not date anyone else once you are their girlfriend. Although some people prefer open relationships, and have their own set of rules or agreements in place. But they are spoken agreements. The point is that someone actually comes out and makes a verbal agreement, after which the agreed upon points are ok to expect.


The point is that I thought that there was such a discussion, even though I only had 3 dates with her. I also remember telling her that I didn't have a problem with her talking to other people on OKCupid while we were together, as long as she wasn't intending to date them as well. So, my question to you is, does this still count as a relationship i.e. gf/bf status? Since, we did talk about it explicitly even though I only saw her three times?

Also Boo, keep in mind that the only reason why I only had 3 dates with her was because of the distance issue, otherwise most of my interaction with her was either by e-mail or by SMS's. If we had both lived in Johannesburg and/or either of us had driving licenses then we would of dated more regularly and I don't think that I would of gotten to know her any better through dating than what I did through that chain of 90+ e-mail exchanges I had with her instead. Do you think that face to face dating is the only way to get to know someone enough in order to promote them to GF status? If not then does that mean that you think long-distance relationships are illegitimate (because obviously people in long-distance relationships can't date that often)?



No, but it's the only way to build up and maintain attraction in my opinion.



Kjas
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01 Aug 2013, 8:33 am

Jono wrote:
By the way, that last point was why I linked to this from the other thread. My original question in there was about whether one could consider oneself in a relationship based on the number of dates you've had with said person, to which she Kjas replied that you're in a relationship when you actually ask them to be your girlfriend or boyfriend or they ask you and you have an agreement (normally to be exclusive):

The point is that I thought that there was such a discussion, even though I only had 3 dates with her. I also remember telling her that I didn't have a problem with her talking to other people on OKCupid while we were together, as long as she wasn't intending to date them as well. So, my question to you is, does this still count as a relationship i.e. gf/bf status? Since, we did talk about it explicitly even though I only saw her three times?

Also Boo, keep in mind that the only reason why I only had 3 dates with her was because of the distance issue, otherwise most of my interaction with her was either by e-mail or by SMS's. If we had both lived in Johannesburg and/or either of us had driving licenses then we would of dated more regularly and I don't think that I would of gotten to know her any better through dating than what I did through that chain of 90+ e-mail exchanges I had with her instead. Do you think that face to face dating is the only way to get to know someone enough in order to promote them to GF status? If not then does that mean that you think long-distance relationships are illegitimate (because obviously people in long-distance relationships can't date that often)?


If you made a verbal agreement, then absolutely it still counts. A relationship is a relationship, long distance ones naturally will have less face to face dates. I dated someone for 9 months once without being in a relationship with them, and lost count of the number of dates. Conversely, you can go on 3 and be in a relationship if you asked her to be and she agreed. It's not about dates or the number of them, but about the agreement that is made or lack of one that counts as a relationship.

I think if you email often enough over a long enough period of time and tend to have in depth conversation, in some ways you are probably going to know them a lot better. You get to discuss a wider range of topics in more depth than you would in person, and can be more accurate and clear while doing so (especially since you can't be distracted by *ahem* other things...). But I think Boo struck a really crucial thing there - without frequent dates it is very hard to create or maintain attraction, especially physically - often that attraction or lack of it can be a deciding factor in someone choosing to stay or go - especially if another opportunity comes up where attraction is present and they can see them often.


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