Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

Is a nice relationship better than a rollercoaster one?

Page 3 of 4 [ 49 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

fraac
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Mar 2011
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,865

20 Dec 2011, 12:09 pm

"I don't like dramatics, but when I think of a 'nice' relationship I think 'no passion'. No thank you."

Because of the false dichotomy set up in the thread title. Nice relationship is obviously better. Lovely one is better still.



hyperlexian
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jul 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,023
Location: with bucephalus

20 Dec 2011, 12:25 pm

fraac wrote:
"I don't like dramatics, but when I think of a 'nice' relationship I think 'no passion'. No thank you."

Because of the false dichotomy set up in the thread title. Nice relationship is obviously better. Lovely one is better still.

i think i see what you are saying - a rollercoaster relationship can also be "nice". or no?

i think a relationship that has dynamic ups and downs can be a healthy one too. i don't think anyone wants "drama", but perhaps every couple has their own acceptable level of emotional peaks and valleys. perhaps "drama" to one person may be "normal" to another.


_________________
on a break, so if you need assistance please contact another moderator from this list:
viewtopic.php?t=391105


mv
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jun 2010
Age: 58
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,131

20 Dec 2011, 12:26 pm

To me, passion is pursuit of intellectual challenge and the intimacy from sharing that. That's how I develop sexual passion for someone, in part.



mv
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jun 2010
Age: 58
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,131

20 Dec 2011, 12:31 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
fraac wrote:
"I don't like dramatics, but when I think of a 'nice' relationship I think 'no passion'. No thank you."

Because of the false dichotomy set up in the thread title. Nice relationship is obviously better. Lovely one is better still.

i think i see what you are saying - a rollercoaster relationship can also be "nice". or no?

i think a relationship that has dynamic ups and downs can be a healthy one too. i don't think anyone wants "drama", but perhaps every couple has their own acceptable level of emotional peaks and valleys. perhaps "drama" to one person may be "normal" to another.


I think you've hit the nail on the head here. We may all be getting caught up in our own biases and semantics.



fraac
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Mar 2011
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,865

20 Dec 2011, 12:33 pm

You're assuming nice is like an average and a rollercoaster has peaks. False dichotomy. I like a relationship that's a nice, smooth, incredibly high peak.



mv
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jun 2010
Age: 58
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,131

20 Dec 2011, 12:38 pm

fraac wrote:
You're assuming nice is like an average and a rollercoaster has peaks. False dichotomy. I like a relationship that's a nice, smooth, incredibly high peak.


Good luck with that. It certainly doesn't work that way in reality, at least not for very long. That's just the nature of people (and here I'm assuming that you mean a relationship that involves more than just you).



hyperlexian
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jul 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,023
Location: with bucephalus

20 Dec 2011, 12:41 pm

fraac wrote:
You're assuming nice is like an average and a rollercoaster has peaks. False dichotomy. I like a relationship that's a nice, smooth, incredibly high peak.

i have no idea what "nice" is, really. i am coming to dislike that word for a few reasons (*shakes fist at WP*).

i don't think i would want to be on a high peak all of the time because i would lose perspective. i think it's not really possible to feel the highs unless they are punctuated by lows. high would start to feel normal, and i think it would lead to complacency.


_________________
on a break, so if you need assistance please contact another moderator from this list:
viewtopic.php?t=391105


fraac
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Mar 2011
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,865

20 Dec 2011, 12:46 pm

mv wrote:
fraac wrote:
You're assuming nice is like an average and a rollercoaster has peaks. False dichotomy. I like a relationship that's a nice, smooth, incredibly high peak.


Good luck with that. It certainly doesn't work that way in reality, at least not for very long. That's just the nature of people (and here I'm assuming that you mean a relationship that involves more than just you).


It's called being in love. And yes, that's exactly how it works. When you find it, you realise that the rollercoasters were you being a self-indulgent child.



hyperlexian
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jul 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,023
Location: with bucephalus

20 Dec 2011, 12:47 pm

fraac wrote:
mv wrote:
fraac wrote:
You're assuming nice is like an average and a rollercoaster has peaks. False dichotomy. I like a relationship that's a nice, smooth, incredibly high peak.


Good luck with that. It certainly doesn't work that way in reality, at least not for very long. That's just the nature of people (and here I'm assuming that you mean a relationship that involves more than just you).


It's called being in love. And yes, that's exactly how it works. When you find it, you realise that the rollercoasters were you being a self-indulgent child.

actually, studies have shown that couples that argue are more likely to stay married.

i think we have a different definition of "rollercoaster", perhaps. i consider arguments to be a healthy part of a relationship (and so do the statistics, apparently).


_________________
on a break, so if you need assistance please contact another moderator from this list:
viewtopic.php?t=391105


mv
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jun 2010
Age: 58
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,131

20 Dec 2011, 12:49 pm

fraac wrote:
mv wrote:
fraac wrote:
You're assuming nice is like an average and a rollercoaster has peaks. False dichotomy. I like a relationship that's a nice, smooth, incredibly high peak.


Good luck with that. It certainly doesn't work that way in reality, at least not for very long. That's just the nature of people (and here I'm assuming that you mean a relationship that involves more than just you).


It's called being in love. And yes, that's exactly how it works. When you find it, you realise that the rollercoasters were you being a self-indulgent child.


Going to have to go ahead and disagree with you. Again, though, it could just be semantics, all depends on what you consider a peak, what you consider the rollercoaster, what's a "valley" to you. And I've been through a lot, at my age, I may just have a much different perspective.



ToadOfSteel
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Sep 2007
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,157
Location: New Jersey

21 Dec 2011, 11:51 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
fraac wrote:
mv wrote:
fraac wrote:
You're assuming nice is like an average and a rollercoaster has peaks. False dichotomy. I like a relationship that's a nice, smooth, incredibly high peak.


Good luck with that. It certainly doesn't work that way in reality, at least not for very long. That's just the nature of people (and here I'm assuming that you mean a relationship that involves more than just you).


It's called being in love. And yes, that's exactly how it works. When you find it, you realise that the rollercoasters were you being a self-indulgent child.

actually, studies have shown that couples that argue are more likely to stay married.

i think we have a different definition of "rollercoaster", perhaps. i consider arguments to be a healthy part of a relationship (and so do the statistics, apparently).


Could you link me any studies that say that? I don't disbelieve you, I just want to read this. It seems counter-intuitive... arguments cause discord, and discord destroys relationships.



hyperlexian
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jul 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,023
Location: with bucephalus

22 Dec 2011, 12:28 am

there is a non-scholarly e-zine article that summarises the concept here:

http://ezinearticles.com/?Couples-That- ... id=6274260

the researcher discussed in the article is Dr John Gottman, who could predict with 94% accuracy whether couples would remain married. he found it is important for couples to argue, but couples should also have 5 times as many positive interactions. if you google that researcher you will find more information about his studies.

if a couple doesn't argue, they are not getting their needs met.


_________________
on a break, so if you need assistance please contact another moderator from this list:
viewtopic.php?t=391105


nick007
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 28,552
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in capitalistic military dictatorship called USA

22 Dec 2011, 12:36 am

ToadOfSteel wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
fraac wrote:
mv wrote:
fraac wrote:
You're assuming nice is like an average and a rollercoaster has peaks. False dichotomy. I like a relationship that's a nice, smooth, incredibly high peak.


Good luck with that. It certainly doesn't work that way in reality, at least not for very long. That's just the nature of people (and here I'm assuming that you mean a relationship that involves more than just you).


It's called being in love. And yes, that's exactly how it works. When you find it, you realise that the rollercoasters were you being a self-indulgent child.

actually, studies have shown that couples that argue are more likely to stay married.

i think we have a different definition of "rollercoaster", perhaps. i consider arguments to be a healthy part of a relationship (and so do the statistics, apparently).


Could you link me any studies that say that? I don't disbelieve you, I just want to read this. It seems counter-intuitive... arguments cause discord, and discord destroys relationships.

I don't have any links but I heard that too. Arguing with my 2nd girlfriend brought us closer together. We didn't argue a lot(not in the earlier part of our relationship anyways) I found arguing got things out that we had been bottling up & we understood some things better about each other & ourselves after. I think a major component about arguing being good or bad is how they each react to arguments; like the way they argue. It's not good if they get mad at each other & verbally attack or insult each other & they take it personally; But it can be good if they keep their cool more & stick to the issues instead of attacking & they make up after


_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
~King Of The Hill


"Hear all, trust nothing"
~Ferengi Rule Of Acquisition #190
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition


blue_bean
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Apr 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 10,617
Location: Behind the wheel

22 Dec 2011, 12:42 am

I'd prefer a nice stable one, thank you. I definately don't like a rollercoast ride, I just end up on one anyway. I don't see how a need to be on one can be a sign of emotional health and contentment.



ToadOfSteel
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Sep 2007
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,157
Location: New Jersey

22 Dec 2011, 12:43 am

hyperlexian wrote:
there is a non-scholarly e-zine article that summarises the concept here:

http://ezinearticles.com/?Couples-That- ... id=6274260

the researcher discussed in the article is Dr John Gottman, who could predict with 94% accuracy whether couples would remain married. he found it is important for couples to argue, but couples should also have 5 times as many positive interactions. if you google that researcher you will find more information about his studies.

if a couple doesn't argue, they are not getting their needs met.


I guess I'm not built for marriage or relationships then :cry: I can try to work through problems (I'm a problem-solver by nature), but all the yelling and screaming inherent in arguments just causes me to shut down.

Why did I have to come with a desire for something that is unattainable?



hyperlexian
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jul 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,023
Location: with bucephalus

22 Dec 2011, 9:42 am

ToadOfSteel wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
there is a non-scholarly e-zine article that summarises the concept here:

http://ezinearticles.com/?Couples-That- ... id=6274260

the researcher discussed in the article is Dr John Gottman, who could predict with 94% accuracy whether couples would remain married. he found it is important for couples to argue, but couples should also have 5 times as many positive interactions. if you google that researcher you will find more information about his studies.

if a couple doesn't argue, they are not getting their needs met.


I guess I'm not built for marriage or relationships then :cry: I can try to work through problems (I'm a problem-solver by nature), but all the yelling and screaming inherent in arguments just causes me to shut down.

Why did I have to come with a desire for something that is unattainable?

not everyone yells and screams during arguments, really. people have different ways of dealing with conflict. my former husband and i did not yell at each other during arguments (we never yelled at our child either).

ex-husband and i did have other ways of getting our point across to each other, like using choice words lol.

according to that researcher, people can learn effective ways to communicate in arguments over time. the person in the relationship who is less powerful is more likely to start arguments, as the more powerful person gets their way most of the time. the early arguments may start off with more anger (especially from the person with less power), and after a few years that person can become better at communicating effectively.


_________________
on a break, so if you need assistance please contact another moderator from this list:
viewtopic.php?t=391105