Terrified of intimacy

Post Reply New Topic

A lot of them thought they could make me 'better'.

I used to have a fear of intimacy on any level barring hugs. My boyfriend has helped me overcome that, and my fear of commitment -- I have been through several horrible and painful relationships, and before I even started dating him, I was terrified of the thought of rejection (as was he), but even moreso terrified that he wouldn't love me the way I loved him, or even at all...

Now, we're uh, rather intimate xD We hug and kiss and snuggle and all that routinely, as well as other stuff. (like sleeping topless, laying against his chest, etc). So really, maybe it just takes time, maybe it just takes the right person.

edited

Last edited by cinbad on 04 Feb 2012, 3:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Honestly, cinbad, I wish most people took the approach in bold! It would certainly diminish some of the challenges relationships tend to come with. Though, I'm not sure saying he'll never really love you is truth - like you said, it's difficult for him to show it. I wouldn't say that because of that, he is unable to love, but that's just my opinion.

edited

Last edited by cinbad on 04 Feb 2012, 3:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Damn, cinbad, those eyes and your character deserve far better than that.

Thank you tequila. You are very kind to say that.

Is there any possible way that you can see that you're just never going to 'win'? In that sense, you might slowly be able to cut ties.

edited

Last edited by cinbad on 04 Feb 2012, 4:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You need to let go. Now. This isn't going anywhere. You need to cut ties. You can take a horse to water, blah blah fishcakes.

edited

Last edited by cinbad on 04 Feb 2012, 4:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Maybe. Or, maybe it's not that black-and-white. I think it's only very rarely, if ever, something people are either born with an innate ability to do effortlessly or will never be able to do. There are people who make it look easy, but I get the sense that far more people struggle with this stuff than might let on. And, those of us who are exceptionally challenged in this area are at least being presented for a real opportunity for personal growth, if we are willing to put ourselves out there and try to the best of our abilities.

Personally, in retrospect, I can say that all the times I've tried, failed and gotten hurt have taught me a lot and made me appreciate the good moments in relationships more deeply. It's the fatalistic, 'the cards are stacked up against me, so I shouldn't try' approach that's most dangerous because it ensures you'll never be challenged towards growth in this very big area of one's life.

I agree with Tequila, cinbad. This guy had more than enough time to "decide". In fact, he decided long ago. If he wanted to be with you, there would be no doubt whatsoever in his mind. You cannot convince him with a present either, let alone an expensive one. And, what if he did like you more for buying him an expensive present? Would you really want someone to "like" you for buying them stuff?

It may mean a lot to you to buy him something because you love him, but he obviously isn't feeling the same way back, and an expensive present may make your friendship extremely awkward, and he may well cut ties from you. If however the present giving is your way of saying, "Make your decision" - there are far better ways to get an answer from someone.

Last edited by smudge on 05 Feb 2012, 9:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

Smudge you are sooo right.

Last edited by cinbad on 04 Feb 2012, 2:42 pm, edited 2 times in total.

It's up to each individual to decide how big an area this is in one's life, I should think. In general, though, I do believe it is detrimental when someone chooses not to try in life because they believe (and often wrongly) that they just won't succeed. Even when we fail, there's value in the experience.

One thing I've learned over the years, is that if there's something you want bad enough you will work to improve your abilities to achieve it. Drawing from this, I can only conclude that when someone gives up on trying to find a partner they really don't want it despite what they may believe they want.

TeaEarlGreyHot You once again show wisdom beyond your years. (Or maybe I'm the late bloomer) We are taught to put the ones we love above all else. But then that also leaves you open to becoming devastated. If we can balance our lives and relationships, consider love as an interest, not an obsession, then we can learn from it just as we can our other interests. But we can remain open to the idea and try to spot the signs of opportunity when they arise. Or when the urge to connect is on our minds. Instead of feeling lonely and negative, use this as a chance to rewrite your profile, answer some ads, or place a new one. If you break up, yeah, it can be devastating, but nothing lasts forever. And nothing will come from wallowing in your own misery. Like falling off a horse, just get back on before you scare yourself into never riding again.

Forget about that horse. Remember the good times after some time has passed. But try not to think of the fall until you are happily riding another horse again.

I hope I make some sense. I am a little excited right now.