How do the older members (30+) cope with singleness?

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mglosenger
Age: 139

I lol'd...so you must have just as much experience in relationships then anyone on this entire board!

The board wouldn't accept infinity.

I don't really notice being single as a problem for me. I like to think I sympathize with those who feel lonely but I honestly don't understand the idea of "feeling continuously ostracized from everyone." Which seems the closest I can get to understanding how it feels.

l am a couple of years away from being 30. At the moment the main thing that helps is regular contact with my parents (both are in their 60s)

I don't know what I will do when they go (either physically or mentally) as l am an only child.

I try to do that, however it gets harder as the years go on.

Well at almost 30, I would say I would like to be in a relationship, but it is easier being single. It's not just the freedom, as I've gotten older (even before I thought I might have Asperger's) I've relised that most of the time it just won't work and as such I'm not actively looking, which has reduced the anxiety and the stress of nights out.

I'm not trying to completely avoid relationships. If I meet someone I like and something sparks then great. Although I'm slightly concerned that if that does happen I might blow it through inexperience of how to make it work and deal with all those relationship issues. (Which is another good point for being single as I've seen enough relationship to know I don't like all the hassle and hoop jumping people seem to need to do!)

Yeah I relate to that. I know when I am attracted to someone, but I never know what to do about it. I can't imagine what would happen if I told him how I felt and he actually liked me back. That's never happened yet. What would happen? What would we do? Where would we hang out? What would be expected of me?

I need to find someone very patient.

I can't stand the frustration of liking someone and wanting to be around then, but not understanding how i'm meant to behave or what is expected of me.

I think I send out the wrong signals. I wish I could work out what to do. I crave physical touch, but I can't imagine i'll ever have it.

I'm 48 and find the whole relationship thing exhausting. You put a whole lot of effort into getting to know someone, if you're lucky you connect. You ultimately get dumped and heart broken. Then you start all over again. For the life of me I just can't figure it out. I feel like I'm stuck on some nightmarish merry go round.
I've decided to go back to school and complete my doctorate, that way I can explain to people I'm not dating because I have to study. I can lose myself in a new obsession (school) and not obsess over someone else. Ultimately the people I obsess over are not interested in me.

Most people with AS need to find someone who is patient and honest. We are terrible at flirting for the most part and someone literally has to tell us that they like us which is no small task since Aspie's will usually not give out a whole lot of clues[particularly nonverbal] that they are interested in someone

The flirting thing is easy enough to learn.. I used to be worried people would reject me as well, but I'm over that..

I just can't figure out, what do couples do together? Is it really that much fun to sit and watch a TV show together or .. whatever?

Maybe I'm just incredibly boring, or easily amused.. I don't do much in general as far as socializing.

I can see how people would be attracted to each other sexually, but once you have sex, what else is there?

I disagree. Flirting is not easy. It feels false.

Very rarely do I find someone who i'm comfortable enough with to joke around with, but often that's someone i've know for years and who isn't available. I can't feel easy with someone i'm attracted to. I know that if I do something wrong i'll ruin everything and lose them. That sounds dramatic, but it keeps happening. I don't even get to make it up to the guy.

I used to come over as too much into the guy when I was younger. Now I try and play it cool and hope the guy will make a move. But it never happens. From past experience tells me if I have to tell them i'm interested, it turns out they aren't interested. So it's a catch 22 situation.

I feet trapped and don't know how to change this.

It's called growing up....

That and having your depressive issues correctly dealt with

To me, 'flirting' is just talking with the person and doing whatever feels like the right thing to do.

As far as either being too friendly or not friendly enough, you must not have met the right person yet.

I've found that the main thing is to not be afraid to do whatever you want to do.. trying to have some particular 'scheme' or 'plan' doesn't work for me.. it does feel fake, and also I've only ever thought I needed to do that because I was insecure.

..which brings me back to my whole thing, my intellect just can't see how having a relationship with anyone (romantic or not) makes any sense. If I'm secure in myself, why do anything? Am I dead yet?

i became one of those strange people who babbles to himself and lives in a trailer out in the sticks, who, at this point, will settle for being left alone. as for my urges, first and early on, i consorted with rosie palm and her 10 digital sisters, then technology came to my rescue, first with felicia fleshlight and finally suzie silicone and her tittilating tushie. with my urges definitively taken care of, the rest i can just drown in the bathtub, so to speak.

I'm 35, and have been technically single since late 2009 (long story). I didn't really date in high school, as the people I was into never found out unless one of my "friends" (sometimes not well-meaning at all) told them. I tended to end up in the friend category with my crushes, and never knew what to say to them unless it was school related. I did better after getting into college, where I was involved in music more than before, and no one cared about my idiosyncratic behavior. I got married at 20, even though he asked me if I thought we'd be together forever, and I told him no. That didn't turn out so well, but part of it was his own issues, which ran toward the end of clinical depression. After my husband, I had a 10 year relationship with someone else, but he turned out to be a total nightmare (he cheated/broke up with me, but nearly 3 years later he is still trying to get my new address, phone, and be my friend on Facebook).

It's probably also worth mentioning that unlike what I guess is "normal" for female Aspies, I don't suffer from depression very often at all. My mom is bi polar, and she had me checked out for anger management issues when I was fourteen, but the therapist told her I was fine as I was, that I only seemed to register about four emotions with anger causing the most visual change, but that my mother was trying to use what her own feelings would be in the same situation, and put them on me as a norm.

I'm back living in my hometown, and have been brought back into the fold of some of my old friends. One of them still dislikes sharing me with the rest of them, and isn't really good at covering it up ("I recognized X the moment she walked in. She hasn't changed since middle school. *que annoyed expression*). They have a few friends they've also made since I left. Most of the women are in the process of a divorce or in a revolving door of dating drama, so I can't even ask if there is anyone suitable for going out with, because I'd never date anyone that was interested in one of them.

Then too, I like having control of what I eat and when, what's on the tv, how much time I spend rping/posting on forums online, reading, and what time I go to bed/get up. I know most of them think my life is dull, but at least a couple of them like that I'm not neurotypical ("We know you're different, and that's why we love you" said one of them.) I do get teased about my word choices and vocabulary, but I don't feel bullied by most of them, so being alone isn't so bad. So far, it sure beats taking another risk on dating or being in a relationship with someone that has so many self-destructive tendencies that I lose all patience, not to mention just negotiating the flirtation and dating conversation required.

I am going to be 40 next month. Been through two marriages and both ended up being misery for me. I just couldn't relate and I had the unfullfilled pressure to be alone! Having someone there all the time was such a drain. I was chronicly tired, frustrated, all I wanted was time alone which they took as I didn't love them. I guess maybe I didn't. I felt something I suppose. But, I think I wanted a relationship just because I thought that was what you were supossed to do. Now that I am older, I still cruise the free dating sites. never with any actual intention of dating, i guess it makes me feel less lonely to have that small interaction. I would enjoy having sex again, it's been 4 years now, but the thought of having to relate to someone, however briefly (lol), to do so is just too much. I would rather buy one of those Real Doll things to have sex with (by the way, anyone can feel free to buy me one for my birthday!) ...I guess that would be weird and sad in its own right. So yes I do get lonely, but never enough to actively try and change it. I revel in my solitude and am confused by people who can't stand being alone.

50 years old & still looking for SOMEONE. I let my dream woman go, long before I understood how my own behavior was screwing up my relationship prospects.
I do tend to bury my self in my hobbies. That, & good books are ALMOST all I need. To bad my hormones say otherwise, even now!

Sincerely,
Matthew