The reason why LJBF hurts

Post Reply New Topic

it's one of the words that gets heavily thrown around on the site, along with "friendzone" and "nice guy". someone introduced it before me in the thread, so i was semi-referring to that.

Guess I should come around more often, it's the first time I hear that term.

And about the original post, if a woman LJBF's you (can I use that as a verb? ) it doesn't necessarily mean she sees you as lower status. The no-chemistry excuse is valid to me for example, in my limited experience I can say that the two relationships I've been (and one of them still am) into have had quite a lot of chemistry, which was probably the deciding factor for both of us. A friend of mine is good enough at meeting and dating women for getting into relationships without actual chemistry, and two weeks into it he's already bored. And in a broader sense, if a woman just doesn't feel attracted to someone, why should she date him? Money? Pity? I'd rather be single.

Status, I've read, is one of the things that may make a man attractive in the eyes of women. Nevertheless, if someone gets rejected, it doesn't necessarily mean he's of low status, although...

Once a girl LJBF'ed me. It was hurtful, but initiated a change for the better. After some time I realized that I had gotten into an unhealthy relationship with her, where she flipped off easily at me, made hurtful comments, and generally made me feel bad. I think she got it in her mind that I'd always be around no matter what, taking me for granted, so she thought she could get away with it, which for some time she actually did. I strongly suspected she got an ego boost from that too. One fateful friday I told her that I didn't want to see her or talk to her anymore, because I thought she didn't respect me at all, and I kept my word until she initiated contact more than a month later. It went smoothly from there and... to say the truth we started dating some months after that.

Now this could be misinterpreted, so I'll say: this was a very specific situation where I got objective signs I was being (mildly) emotionally abused, and the thing you told about a girl acting with you a certain way because you're a friend certainly applies, as the one of having guys around to get an ego boost. So I'll give you the reason with that. Still, a woman may genuinely just want a normal, healthy friendship with you, and rejecting that would be a jerk thing to do in my opinion, unless it's the kind of situation where you're so smitten it hurts to be with her while not being her boyfriend.

I know there's more to a relationship than that but... if you're not looking for sex, what exactly are you looking for? Warmth and companionship? Deep emotional intimacy? None of the above?

If you feel like you're being disrespected, or just don't feel like you're getting any value added from being friends with a woman who won't sleep with you, DON'T BE FRIENDS WITH HER!
No one can make you be their friend.
If someone is making you feel bad about yourself, don't be around that person.
That said, not having sex with someone isn't inherently disrespectful.
You can have all the respect, adoration, and love in the word from someone and just not be sexually attracted to them. Sexual attraction is not fair.
In any case it doesn't matter why women date who they date, it doesn't matter why they won't date you, if they offer friendship you can accept it and be content or you can decline and go away.
They aren't physically forcing you to listen to their problems while laughing maniacally and rubbing their hand together while they carry out their evil plan to never touch your penis.

The fact that you see friendship as the proverbial "worst seat in the house" says a lot about what you value in women.

That's not true and you know it. All it says is these guys are tired of getting sidelined, CONSTANTLY.

There seems to be this extreme disconnect between the male and female posters on this forum over what precisely is being complained about here. The guys all seem to understand one another, yet all the women seem to hear is "She's obligated to have sex with me because I'm nice to her!" when I've yet to see anyone say anything remotely similar to that.

I think this is just as much a flaw in the women's outlook about men as anything these threads say about the men's outlook on women.

Once again, These threads about freindzoning and LJBF are not complaints about not getting sex, they are complaints about having their advances, instead of ignored, sidelined into a dead end and then pulled out every time the woman needs an ego boost or validation, or just has nothing better to do on a Friday night, or needs a presentable guy to introduce to the parents. You are not her friend, though she might delude herself into thinking that you are, and that what she is doing isn't morally repugnant. This is about having your attraction towards another human being used to take advantage of you.

If you go into every potential relationship expecting sex right away then you delusional. I don't expect it at all, what I do expect is to be treated like a human being with emotions and not be taken advantage of as a a dumping ground for all of her problems, but the minute I bring up any of my problems I'm suddenly "Bringing her down" and she "Can't handle that right now".

It's very common if a girl who wants an ego boost knows that you like her.

There is a disconnect that's for sure.

Though clearly you still read my entire post as "Herp derp, bitter I didn't get to touch her tit" or you would have responded more in depth, thus, the disconnect remains.

"emotional tampon" is not a great term, it plays into some very icky sociological things about vaginas and women in culture, I know no one here originated it, or is intending it to be really offensive but it's pretty icky.
and bonus, it applies the gender neutral behavior "being a user" or having a one sided friendship you benefit from and implying that it's a women only thing, or that it's extra gross because women and their vaginas are involved.

You know, oddly enough, I've never met a straight male who didn't love properly cared for Vaginas. I wonder sometimes if a lot of the concepts of "Fear" or "Dislike" or whatever is women projecting their own body dysmorphia onto men..


Freud is not a good basis for any kind of objective look at anything, he projected his own feelings onto all of his patients, and the sooner the world realizes his theories were worthless the better.

Heres my take on LJBF that has been brought up by another member here a few times in the past:

- If it comes from someone that you were already familiar with and you talked to that person on frequent basis there shouldnt be a need to change the way you act around them. If you listened to their issues and you tried to help them feel free to keep doing that, however this person has made it clear that for whatever reasons they dont want a relationship with you so dont think that they owe you anything just because you made a choice to be there helping them even though they said they didnt want a relationship with you(sorry but I see this owing thing quite frequently so I feel it needed to be addressed).
If you think that you may need some time to focus on something else for a while and they were your friends to begin with they´ll understand so feel free to attempt to do whatever you think that could be helpful moving on.

-If it comes from someone that you barely know/werent even friends to begin with: question if you truly just want to be their friend because they are really nice/whatever or if you are just hoping for them to change their mind. If its the later Id encourage you to just tell the other person that theres no need to pretend that you are great friends considering that you barely know each other and you are a grown person and can handle rejection.



Now heres an interesting thing that hasnt been brought up by any user before: We all get friendzoned at some point.
Regardless of your gender/looks you will find some people that just dont want a relationship with you for one reason or another.
Nobody can expect everyone to like them and something that could probably help to those that are obsessed with the women are evil attitude displayed by some of the members on this thread is doing some research on the field.
I have seen it happen to the queen bee(helped one of those with English exams at one point and she helped me fit in at a new school and we got to talk) and I have seen it happen to average males so making this all a status/male thing is quite a big mistake imo.

A quick google search for "a guy friend zoned me" gives back over 35.000.000 results which goes to show how "rare" this situation is.

I think I am an emotional condom, very emotionally flexible.

well, not many girls want an emotional tampon for an ego boost, so you are quite safe.

Last edited by hyperlexian on 02 May 2012, 11:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

what does "properly cared for" mean?

Hmm, I guess it all depends on the reason of rejection, but this is rarely disclosed.

One thing I found very annoying in friendships with the other gender is when they start talk what they like and dislike in guys, and they would mention physical/character traits that you don't have or even showing dislike (sometimes with foul expressions such 'eww' or 'no way eurgh') about some guy because of a trait you have!
It would just make you wonder if they see you as a lesser male (as much as those other males) and if they think of you in a such negative light and if they'd talk about you like that behind your back. I mean even if you're their friend, you are a male after all, you're not a 'gender absolute value'.

i have experienced that with female colleagues that i didn't have any romatic interest in any of them yet it still made wonder...


I am sure girls' guys (girls who are friends with guys) experience this too, I recall a girl told me how all her guy friends praise big boobs of some women in front of her yet she has a flat chest.


This is a very ugly side of the friendship with the opposite sex, I guess.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 02 May 2012, 11:15 am, edited 2 times in total.

I agree with you on the first part. It's not individual men who do this. It's the beauty industrial complex that's responsible for that, magazines/commercials/etc. with the purpose of making women insecure about their appearance to buy things. Vagina's don't really need a lot to keep them in good working order, but there a whole lotta products to be sold to fix them.
Your vagina smells gross, douche it with our douche, wash it with our special wipes, spray it with our special lady scent obliterating spray.
Your vagina look weird, dye it with this, have this surgery, use our wax.
And it's all kind of built on this fallacy that you won't be worth anything if a man doesn't like your vagina, and that a man won't like you the way you are.
This kind of thing is starting to creep up on men too but at a much different level.
And everybody (men, women, and other) grow up and live in culture permeated with this.
And culture doesn't elevate or promote female sexuality or the female sexual gaze the way it does for male sexuality. It's the difference from being treated like a product and like a consumer.

Also, in a perfect word and hopefully this one, most straight men aren't misogynists who hate and insult women for being women.
The one's that are though say things like "emotional tampon"

It's an excellent term coined by Sam Kinison in the mid 80's. Person A uses person B as an object that drains their emotional problems and then they toss him/her away like a used tampon. There's nothing misgyonistic about the term whatsoever.

There are a few men who use women the same way; an aspie girl posted a thread about how an aspie guy did this a few pages ago. I've never tried to get a girl in bed by listening to all the crap nobody else wants to take; I don't want sex to be something I've "paid for".