Is this really too much to ask

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Everybody, no matter how normal of a life they've had has some emotional problems or baggage. It's just something all humans have.

exactly, that's what is normal

I am not talking about the normal kind of a baggage. I mean if I take Jennifer for example. She was suicidal twice (the first time long before she met me and seond time while with me). During some period of time she had no friends other than me (although that changed at some point) because she felt everyone betray her and she couldn't trust anyone. I belive some of the drama she had with me was probably due to that neglect. In particular there were a lot of fights over the fact that when I was doing physics I weren't paying enough attention to her, and also there were fights that when my parents had plans that conflicted with hers I was sometimes following my parents plans and not hers.

In case of Jax, she was sexually abused before. As a result she kept trying to have cyber sex with me for like a year (she is in New Zeland so we never physically met) until she finally gave up. But at the same time she is a christian so she would masturbate and tehn be miserable about it and take it out on me. Also, due to her past sexual abuse, her moods constantly change; one week she wants to marry me right now the other week she wants to break up, with not much in between. Also there were periods of time when she kept cheating on me with others.

So you see what I mean. In both of the above cases at least good part of it was past abuse. So it feels like because of my Asperger I can't get someone normal; all I can get are ppl that would cause drama.

You want a girl that is good company, and you're not too picky (not obese nor extreme emotional problems). It's doable, far from impossible.

Are you not obese and without extreme emotional problems though? I think you should beging making yourself interesting.

Also, women don't fall into your lap (usually). It takes effort to get one. Do you have money (I don't mean rich, just enough to take her to a hot dog stand, even)? Can you hold a conversation? Are you clean? There are so many concerns...

I have yet to meet a girl who doesn't like being pampered a little bit. Do not let your woman rotting in your apartment while you watch TV for the rest of your life, please.

Those are some ideas that went through my read when I read your post.

As for the sex thing... ugh, can't help you there, I love sex.

Good luck.

Your desire to wait until marriage is not the problem. I dated many girls in high school and they were proud of my stance on it.
You have to find someone who shares your values. I met my wife in the 9th grade and we both believed in waiting.
Our love life was never dull because there are so many other pleasures without intercourse.
We have been together for 20 yrs and married 13yrs

By ''good company'' do you mean just a friend? I do want a boyfriend status. While I want to abstain from sex, I still want relatinoship to be exclusive; that and I am fine with holding hands, just not sex.



That would be the one and only item you listed where I am in good shape. My body fat percentage is 15.5 and stayed that way for several years. My height is 5'9'', my weight is 140 lbl, and again stayed that way for several years. I am not dieting or anything. In fact I would eat whatever comes my way unless I am concerned about having to pay for it. I guess my body just maintains the right weight naturally.



I do have emotional problems that come from my history of rejection and obsessions about it. Typically, when I first meet a girl I am obsessed whether or not I turned her off so I overanalyze every little thing she said to ''make sure'' thats not the case and ask for reassurance a lot. That pushes women away. Then, if I am LUCKY ENOUGH to get to next stage (with most women I am not) then I begin to talk about the people who hurt me in the past (my favorite topics tend to focus on why do girls reject me, which includes the discussion of the way i interact in general as well as examples of few specific girls from 2005--2007 I am overanalyzing; I also like to talk about how htey tried to expell me from school in 2006 -- although in fact I managed to stay in school and still got ph.d. in 2009 I still like to obsess as to why they tried to expell me in 2006; I also tend to talk a lot about my age being 32 and how it negatively reflects on my career). I tend to continue to talk about these topics even when I am well into relationship; in fact it tends to get more and more out of hand until the girl begins to have fits about it and tries to stop me.



What kind of effort? The kind of ''effort'' I put is go to dating sites. Most people ignore me and I am not sure why. Do they somehow know that I have nothing to offer even by my typing the word ''hi'' when messaging them?

As far as meeting girls ''in the real world'' do you have some suggestions of places to go to and the kind of effort to put?



Okay the money situation was changing throughout the years. But since I had difficulties with girls all the same, let me just outline how it was changing so you can see.

Up until 2001 I was leaving at home and never had a job, although I had a scholarship as an undergrad; I only left home for graduate school in 2001

2001 -- 2004: I was doing my masters and I was earning 1200 dollars per month

2004 -- 2006: I was on ph.d. program and I was earning 1600 dollars per month However, since I have messed up with my teaching job back when I was doing masters (things such as raising my voice when students seemed to be confused about something very simple and forgetting to turn around when I was writing equations on black board) I ended up grading papers instead.

2006 -- 2009: I was still on ph.d. program but I was not earning anything at all. My mom was sending me 500 dollars per month The reason for this is that in 2006 my thesis advisor refused to work with me. The only other person who was willing to work with me that I could find was retired professor, so he didn't have money to pay me. Basically what happened was that in 2001 --2006 I was unaware that in graduate school what matters is not courses but research; this caused me to choose to take as many courses as would fill my daytime and not leave enough room for research. Also, apart from that, I also selected research topic (string theory) which I found "counterintuitive" in that I ''don't like'' that the string can vibrate without ''consisting of molecules''. So all I could do was trying to ''construct string out of molecules'' instead of doing reading further. Well finally I DID answer that question -- just wrote paper on it yesterday -- so now I finally ''like'' string theory:) But obviously its been several years. What I should have done in this case was to change topics which is what I ultimately done in 2006, and that is the very thing that allowed me to get ph..d. in 2009 (i only came back to string theory very recently and ONLY because of the fact that I HAPPENED to answer that question in the context of other work I was doing). But then in 2006 no one listened to me when I was saying ''okay I was not making progress because I was stuck on XYZ and XYZ won't be an issue any more becuase I will not do string theory any more''. All they said was that I had a long history of lack of progress and so they won't work with me (although it were 2 or 3 people that said it while the rest were just giving polite excuses that they are busy and htey had too many students already etc). Finally a retired professor agreed to work with me in order to keep them from kicking me out of school (they were going to kick me out in june 1, 2006 unless i find avisor by that time, which is precisely why retired professor took me a day before that) but he had no money to support me because he was retired. Thats why, despite the fact that I was still in school and was able to get ph.d. in 2009, my mom had to pay my way from 2006 till 2009. At the same time, they didn't let me teach either (see previous item) and they also refused to let me grade papers because one of the previous professors has complained that he repeatedly asked me to put grades on spread sheet rather than piece of paper but I kept putting it on piece of paper because I couldn't learn how spreadsheet works.

2009 -- now: I do postdoc in India so I am getting Inian salary of 400 dollars a month However, in light of the fact that India is very cheap, it is actually a large salary by Indian standards. It is just as easy to live in India on 400 dollars as it were back in the states for 1200 dollars. What ruined it, however, is that I was scammed in 2009 -- 2010 and lost 8000 dollars over that scam. My mom had to pay the credit card bills that resulted from that. The reason I was scammed, however, is that back in 2007--2009, in USA, when I was dating Jennifer she made me spend money that I couldn't afford (for example, she made me go to canada with her to casino, she also made me go to expansive restaurants with her on dates) so I had few thousand loan on credit card when I went to India. Since there was no way I could pay it off with my Indian salary of 400 dollars/month, my mom was going to pay it off. But she kept insisting I show her the credit card statement. But I wasn't going to show it to her because I wanted to hide from her that I spent money with Jennifer and instead I lied to her that the money was spent on my repeatedly buying plane tickets to India when there were delays of making me visa. So I didn't want her to see credit card statement that says otherwise. Then in India the pastor tells me that he was trying to buy a land for a church and if he buys one he will get a lot of donations to build the church and he will pay me back from these donations and help me pay off my credit card. So because I was desperate to pay off my credit card to get my mom off my back, I decided to go for it but it ended up being a scam. If I wasn't for Jennifer back in USA, I would have nothing to hide from my mom so in this case I would have simply shown her credit card statement as she asked and then I wouldn't have been scammed. So it was basically my desperation to hide what I did with Jennifer that made me go along with the scam.

Anyway, I don't think my money situation was the reason any girls turned me down. I mean they turned me down long before the money topic came up. But then again, at least in case of Anne in 2005 (who only knew me for one week and made up her mind to reject me at the end of a week because of what I told her about my mom sheltring me) she was paying for my meals from the day 1 she knew me. So I guess it comes out one way or the other. But the other interesting thing is that I met Anne in 2005 when I had 1600 dollar salary just like she did (she was my fellow graduate student) so I am not sure why she ended up paying for me. But then again somehow I do remember I was desperate about money even then. I guess that was probably because I was forgetting to turn library books back so I often ended up with 500 dollar fine for overdue books.

But regardless, neither in case of Anne nor in case of any other girl that turned me down money was ever the reason for rejection. The only relationship that WAS affected by money was the one I had with Jennifer where I kept complaining how she makes me spend too much money on dates and that complaining lead to fights. I think that was also something that built my resentment of her over time, along with issue of her ''keeping me from doing physics'' and ''interfering with plans my mom had that she wants me to do'' (the item about ''plans'' is what caused a lot of fights with both jennifer AND my mom -- from my mom's point of view i listened to jennifer too much while from jennifer point of view i listened to my mom too much -- and was THE ultimate reason for breakup after our 2 year relationship was over).

But still the fact remains that money didn't make jennifer ''not date me''; in fact Jennifer dated me for 2 years despite my money issues. If I take any of the girls that refused to give me a chance -- such as Anne -- money has never been the reason.



I can't. In fact, inability to hold conversation is the number one way in which Asperger affects me. But who knows maybe IF i were not such a loner I would have had more things to talk about and be able to hold conversation. That is where I can only speculate since I have never been given a chance ''not to be a loner'' so I have no idea. But still, it seems circular. Its like, the reason I can't hold coversation i that I am a loner, and the reason why I am a loner is that I can't hold conversation. So if someone were to give me a chance not to be a loner perhaps the cycle would be broken but no one is willing to give me that chance.

By the way it is interesting that you asked that question. I was always assuming that inability to have conversation is the defining feature of Asperger; at least thats true in my case. So the fact that you even asked seem to imply that large portion of people with Asperger ARE able to hold conversation. If so, does it mean I am more severely affected than they are?

This is actually one thing that is really bothering me. Back in 1997 Brina Siegel said that I am LESS affected than 99.5% of other aspies. Yet in practice it seems I am more affected than most people on the board. A lot of people on this board complain that people don't believe them they have Asperger and say they are normal. In my case its the opposite. If I say I have Asperger then EVERYONE believes me; what they tend not to believe is when I say that I don't have such and such problem when they think I do. In fact a lot of people ask what is wrong with me even if I don't mention about Asperger. Well, to be fair, back in 1997 there were a couple of incidents when I was told that I don't look autistic. But then starting from around 2000 onward everyone viewed me as autistic.



I often forget to take a shower, cut my nails, and so forth. Typically it is coupled to the fact that I do physics very late at night and then I just feel like I want to collapse into bed. Then I wake up really late and feel like I have to hurry up and start my day and don't take shower either. Now this drew some negative attention. Here are examples:

1. In 2001 when I was teaching there was complaint by students that I don't take shower

2. In 2001 when I was going to Jewish club 5 people complaind about my not showering ALONG WITH my inability to hold conversation. Because of these two reasons I was denied the free trip to Israel I was entitled to because I was born Jewish, although I ended up going to that trip in 2006 through another place.

3. In 2003 I was told not to come back to a certain restaurant because people complained that I smell

4. The girlfriends that I had (Sarah in 2003 -- 2004, Andrea in 2006 and Jennifer in 2007 -- 2009) were all telling me to shower more

5. My final thesis advisor that I had in 2006 -- 2009 was complaining about my showering during 2006 and 2007, although later on he started to overlook it when he grew to like my work.

6. The advisor that I had during my first postdoc in India, 2009 -- 2011, was avoiding all interaction with me altogether because of my not showering; although the advisor that I have at a new place in India right now seem to be okay with it.

7. A couple of months ago, someone on the street (who himself looks like a bum) decided that the laptop that I carry was stolen because I happened to spill coffee over my shirt so he decided that I wasn't rich enough to have bought my laptop unless I stole it. He actually asked me to go to police station and police station took him seriously. They held me there for an hour or so until they could get ahold of someone else in India whom I know to let me go.



I am barely ever watch TV if at all. What happened with Jennifer though is that I wanted to do physics and she was angry with me that I don't pay enough attention to her because of physics. Speaking of TV, she actually told me that my doing physics reminds her of her dad watching TV and ignoring everyone else. To me this seems really unfair because to me physics is my life time goal and thats what I wanted to do since I was 9, so how can she compare someones CAREER to someone else who is just lazy. Jennifer suspects her dad has Asperger even though he was never diagnosed and to me he looks like a typical lazy man. She belives that her dad's Asperger caused him to ''obsess'' about TV, her ex-s Asperger caused him to ''obsess'' about sex (in case of her ex, he WAS diagnosed) and my Asperger causes me to ''obsess'' about physics. But to me, obsession with TV is not Asperger its about being lazy man. I don't know about Americans, but at least back in Russia where I grew up, a typical lazy man in his 40-s would be watching TV. Likewise, being obsessed with sex has nothing to do with Asperger either; sex obsession is called being a jerk. So I found it quite insulting when she was lumping together my need to do physics with her dad watching TV.

Anyway, in case of girls other than Jennifer, I don't think there was as much of an issue. I mean when I dated Sarah back in 2003 -- 2004, she seemed to be quite fine with my doing physics. In fact, oftentimes, I was doing physics right in front of Sarah and her friends, although me and Sarah had a serious relationship and were even engaged at some point. So I tend to think that perhaps part of why Jennifer was more demanding than Sarah is her past neglect as a child. I mean, she herself told me that her dad was neglecting her throughout childhood by watching TV and how I remind her of him. The funny part is that Jennifer, herself was a graduate student while I dated her while Sarah was only in a community college. So one would think Jennifer should be more understanding but it happend in reverse. But then again, Jennifer ended up dropping out of graduate school (that is, getting masters instead of ph.d. as originally planned) and went into industry. I think if I were to find someone in academia who is serious about it, she wouuld probably be understanding about my doing physics.

That is part of why I am obsessed with Anne so much. Anne WAS in fact a graduate student, she was very caring and respectful of my needs, and she was the one and only girl who was not obess. But I manage to blow it with Anne by telling her that my mom shelters me, although at the time I met her (2005) I was being payed 1600 a month and so technically my mom didn't shelter me at the time (what happened was that Anne wanted to email me on my university email but my girlfriend at the time, Megan, had password; so I told Anne to email me to hotmail because SARAH -- not megan -- had password and Sarah already broke up with me half a year earlier; I then went on to explain why I care about Sarah having password despite breakup by telling her how Sarah USED TO shelter me and how this PSYCHOLOGICALLY cauased to keep things from her; I then went on and on with other examples of how MY MOM shelters me and how I keep things from my mom as a result; Anne believed everythign I said so she never questioned my loyalty BUT the part of how i was being sheltered ended up playing against me). The reason Anne turned me down is that she believes that since my mom shelters me I would be expecting it from someone I am dating. But that is so not true. In fact, I HATE my mom for sheltring me (the only part I don't hate my mom for is financial but like I said that part couldn't have possibly been relevent to Anne since financial things started a year AFTER Anne; the kind of sheltering Anne was referring to that my mom does is the kind I hate so she was wrong in thinking I would want that -- I mean here is a good example of how my mom shelters me: when there was orientation session in graduate school my mom was worried I would forget to read the email they sent about the hotel they are going to stay in and she was also worried that when I buy train ticket I would forget to change trains at some point. I HATE my mom for this; yet Anne assumed thats the kind of thing I need); that, plus in case of Sarah whom I dated in 2003 -- 2004, the reason I left her was the FACT that Sarah sheltered me and I HATED it; but I didn't mention that part to Anne since I THOUGHT that it would make her question my loyalty (particularly the fact that instead of leaving Sarah I decided to deliberately avoid answering any of her calls or emails and went on dating sites while we were still engaged). But I was wrong -- when Anne was questioning about Sarah she never questioned my loyalty; rather she was questioning my level of independence. So because I was ASSUMING she was questioning something OTHER THAN what she actually was, I was twisting my answers in a way that I THOUGHT would help me but ended up HURTING ME. After all if I were to go ahead and TELL HER how I left Sarah that would have proven that I don't like sheltering; but instead I portrayed it as if Sarah left me (which is technically true since I never told her I was breaking up, I simpy cut off contact and then SARAH was the one who broke up 3 months later BECAUSE OF my cutting off contact -- and at that point I got mad at the fact that Sarah broke up and was trying to persuade her to give me another chance, in vain). So by telling Anne the angle from which it was Sarah who left me I was implying that I was loyal BUT at the same time I FAILED to convey to Anne that i didn't like Sarah's sheltering and that last part is what screwed me up with Anne. If on the other hand I were to present it from the angle that I was the one who left Sarah then this would have been a proof RIGHT THERE that I wouldn't expect Anne to shelter me -- after all sheltering is the very thing I just ran away from -- so this wouldu have addressed her concern. But then again this would have required me to KNOW what Anne's concern was, which I iddn't. And then when I finally knew what it was, she was ''done talking about it'' so I never got a chance to say what I have to say.

I guess with all other girls it I can't get them because of non-verbal communication and so forht. Anne was the one and only case of a NORMAL girl where non-verbal communication didn't stand in a way -- in fact she liked me. But then the stuff I SAID is what screwed me off; I just keep thinking ''if only I could refrain from SAYING this and that and only if I were to answer her questions properly WHEN she was asking them, maybe me and Anne would have been perfect''. Once again Anne is the ONLY girl who is not obese with whom I had a chance AND she was a graduate student in mathematics so this would have made her perfect for me. Also SHE was the one who approached me in math class, she said she was looking at me during the entire first month of the class and just didn't have guts to approach me till that day, she was asking otehrs about me (and someone told me how i come up with clever solutions to physics problems in group sessions) and she also shown a lot of innitiative to see me every day. So you see it seems like it would have been perfect IF ONLY i didn't tell her my mom and my ex were sheltering me.

Judging others because of mental issues is "normal" as well.

Coming from my standpoint, that is asking too much from a woman. Do you want to marry a real woman, or a supermodel?

I never said I wanted a supermodel. In fact I am not that picky. I don't care if she is 120 lbl or 170 lbl. I just hate the fact that the two girlfriends I had were 225 lbl and 275 lbl. I mean why can't I get anyone under 200?

Dating sites are a way to go; but it's like finding a needle in a haystack. Women on these sites sometimes don't check their profiles for months, some women create profiles just because they feel insecure and want to have their ego stocked.

I see your Jewish; have you checked out a Hillel or a Chabad house? These could expose you to young people.

I can't tell though because you mentioned adventists; which means you'd have to accept Jesus as your savior, but you also mention Messonic Judaism so.

If it applies, I see a lot of young baptists, methodists, and episcaplians.

Now; about some other things.

TAKE A SHOWER EVERY DAY! Make this a rule. Like it or not, make it a rule.

Observe good hygiene. Try to wear clean clothes.

These are things 99.99% of girls are going to demand.

If you want a girl. you have to make yourself wantable. Not trying to be mean, but if people are refusing to deal with you because your body oder is that bad, no girl is going to want to go on a date with you.

It's just that simple.

Things like person hygiene and clothes are things you can control. AS might make it hard to converse, but it shouldn't be impacting your ability to apply soap and water.

Please listen to the advice on showering. I can't tell you how far that can go. I have a very sensitive sense of smell. I LOVE pleasant smelling things-hand soaps, body wash, laundry detergent!! On the other had I have a strong aversion to bad smells. Body odor otherwise known as "funk", the stench of the garbage that needs to be taken out, strong smelling food-bamboo comes to mind(Asian cuisine). These terrible odors are debilitating. I can't function until they have been dealt with. I like it when a guy smells good, but I'd rather no scent than stench of underarm funk and sweaty balls!

I went to Hillel in 2001 -- 2003 and that is the PRIME place where no one was talking to me and I got hurt. In fact that is why I went on dating sites. I got frustrated no one was talking to me at Hillel so I wanted someone else to ''talk to me''.

Anyway,, in 2004 I moved to a different school so I could have tried Hillel over there. I did make initial visit to Hillel and they seemed a lot friendlier; but then again who is to say it wouldn't have deteriorated if I kept going? Besides, by that time I was believer in Jesus so going to the services where they don't believe in Jesus seemed a bit pointless.

Either way, in India Hillel is not available so right now it is non-issue.



It seems like you are unaware of what Messianic Judaism is. Basically, Messianic Judaism means ''Jews who believe in Jesus''. So yes, I did accept Jesus as savior. I did that in 2002.



Yeah, thats the avenue I never tried. I guess I never went to these churches because I prefer going on saturday. But it was a mistake I never thought strategically to realize that it might bring me some dates. But oh well right now it is too late because I am in India; unless there are churches in India that are attended by white immigrants -- and possibly there are I was too lazy to check.



But how can I ''undo'' the decade of not showering? Can I get someone in her 20-s -- even if its late 20-s -- now that I am 32. Is there a way to get someone who doesn't mind the distance. Like for example I go to conference in Germany in July. So is it possible to meet some girl in that physics conference who would like me and decide to have long distance relationship. I mean one obstacle is that it is physics conference so I would spend my energy on physics and the other obstacle is that I am going back to India once its over. But if I take good shower is it still possible to find someone despite these two things?

And speaking of showers -- if I was taking my showers BEFORE then perhaps the problem would have been solved. I was in USA all the way up till 29, so I had plenty of time to meet someone. But I didn't, because of damn shower. And now I have to grasp at the straws and squeeze something out of some conferences that are rare and far between.

You're not going to be able to go back and make up for lost time. If you're going to date someone younger, date them because you like them as a person, not because you're trying to recapture misspent youth by co-opting theirs.
If you started dating a 20yr old when you were 20 they would be 32 now too. You've said you's skew younger because you have a "youthful" mentality, but I don't think that is very uncommon for people in your age bracket.
Other than inexperience being a turnoff (which isn't something I think, but it seems like a common enough interpretation here to be relevant) I don't see how not having been successful in the past precludes you from doing better now.

Right now you're in an environment where you don't like anything that is available, even if you could get it. Showering more will make your life better in general, but it's not going to make young white virgins appear out of nowhere.

Correct. What's lost, is lost.

As for the showering, I don't think ypu need to be so drastic as showering every day. I've been married 3 times and have NEVER bathed more than twice a week in my life, in fact mostly it's been not more than once a week. Though a lot depends on how much you sweat, how often you change your underwear etc.

First step - take daily showers.

Um, I'm going to have to agree with the daily showers. Especially if you are moderately active. I was married to someone(still am technically)who rarely bathed/showered and when he did there would be so much dirt in the tub that you could grow potatoes. He had body odor and sex with him was disgusting. Let's not go into oral sex. Now I know that sex is not on the "menu" for you until marriage but its best to cultivate these habits now. Its a a good idea to smell good or not at all in general. Doesn't it get HOT in India??? Hot + no bath/shower=A hot stinky mess