Why do nt women leave and some don't?

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ozman
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29 Jun 2012, 6:28 pm

The only tip I got was there is something wrong with you 8 years ago. U need to see someone. I didnt because I thought I was ok. I did see a councillor later nd even by didn't pick up the AS

again_with_this
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29 Jun 2012, 7:00 pm

ozman wrote:

The only tip I got was there is something wrong with you 8 years ago. U need to see someone. I didnt because I thought I was ok. I did see a councillor later nd even by didn't pick up the AS

Did you ask your wife exactly why she'd say something like that? In other words, when she suggested it, did you ask for clarification as to why she thought you needed to "see somebody"?

BrenJB
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29 Jun 2012, 9:01 pm

ozman wrote:

I have read a lot from this and many forums on nt-as relationships. There seems to be some common points
- many nts are deeply unhappy with their marriages/relationships
- some will stay and support their partner as they try to manage their AS.
- some stay even though their husband/wife won't admit they have AS or will not change
-many like my wife see a diagnosis as a chance to plan their escape route, even though me as the AS person is doing everything to improve. In the end they just leave rather than supporting their partner.
-It is the ultimate abandonment. They use the old you had your chance line? I just hate that excuse.
- It certainly makes me feel like I have a disability and have just been dumped.
-I admire the people who stand by their partners and work thru it! I just wish my wife had the courage to work with me.
-and then they dangle the carrot if u improve yourself who knows! Please

Would people leave their partners if they suddenly were in a wheelchair? I guess some would.

I don't think it's so much a matter of NT-AS. I think it is more a person's willingness. I am NT and my aspie bf has dumped me a couple times and has come very close to cheating. Things are better now but he was the one that wasn't willing to work at the relationship and wanted to take the easy way out. People are people...NT or Aspie.

I am sorry your wife has treated you so. You certainly deserve better so don't feel as if you have a handicap or disability. Her leaving has to do more with her than you.

Good luck.

ozman
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29 Jun 2012, 9:14 pm

I am still holding out hope that after being seperated for a while that she will 'come back'
I just can't move on until I get told it's all over. Alas she will probably make that decision but it may take many months. In some ways I am a safety net .

BrenJB
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29 Jun 2012, 9:26 pm

ozman wrote:

Don't be the "safety net". After the last time, a few months ago, I cut him out of my life and was no longer ready, willing and waiting to forgive him. He knew that I had other men that were just waiting for me to agree to date them and I ignored him, told him "no" and he worked his butt off to get me back and he knows that if he EVER does anything like he has in the past that it is over ...he has used up ALL his chances. Truly losing me for awhile was the only thing that made him realize what he was giving up. But you have to be ready to really mean it and you should. You aren't a door mat and if she is going to treat you as such than you leave her!

Well, that's my opinion anyway but everyone is different.

again_with_this
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29 Jun 2012, 10:24 pm

BrenJB wrote:

I don't think it's so much a matter of NT-AS. I think it is more a person's willingness. I am NT and my aspie bf has dumped me a couple times and has come very close to cheating.

I have to disagree with you here and say your situation isn't relevant.

In your case, you know in advance your boyfriend has AS. You're willing to work with him if he's willing to do the same. And you're not actually married.

Ozman is talking about scenarios where the AS is discovered well into the marriage, and it is often a point of contention and one of the reasons the NT wife decides to leave. The NT wife thinks, "I didn't know about this before. Now I do. It's not his fault, but it's not going to change, either. Do I stay, or do I go?"

So I think the whole "people are people" argument, while you mean well, is trivializing and off point.

BrenJB
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29 Jun 2012, 10:30 pm

again_with_this wrote:

BrenJB wrote:

I don't think it's so much a matter of NT-AS. I think it is more a person's willingness. I am NT and my aspie bf has dumped me a couple times and has come very close to cheating.

Ah, but we had been dating a long time before we knew he had AS. My mom even asked me if I thought I wanted to continue dating him or go ahead and get out; was it something that I thought I could handle. I was already in love and decided he was worth it. After we found out he had AS was when the real problems started. It explained a lot of things but then he started using it as an excuse and a lot went on. Either way...she is using him as a safety net..has already left and he shouldn't tolerate that. He needs to take control and make it his choice and if she really loves him she will quit acting like she is and straighten out and if she fails to then at least he will know that he didn't allow her to bring him down.

Again, just my opinion.

edgewaters
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29 Jun 2012, 10:52 pm

ozman wrote:

As painful as it is, there is a kind of silver lining to this - such a person must have a very ugly inner personality even if they do their best to hide it, I think they'd make you miserable one way or the other in the long run, if you'd never got the diagnosis. Or even if there was nothing to diagnose.

I think we sometimes confuse processes, and purposes. Being with someone is a process, whose purpose is to bring happiness and fulfillment. Being with someone is not a purpose in and of itself. If a process doesn't serve the purpose, it is not worthwhile. A process has no value apart from how it serves the purpose, though it can often seem to, because we confuse the two.

Quote:

My experience has been that it's a bad idea to get back together with someone who left you. You'll probably be terminally insecure in the relationship, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And if you do get back together but later she leaves again, or if some other breach of loyalty happens, it will damage you real bad. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

I'm not infallible, but just saying here what I would ideally do, is terminate contact.

Last edited by edgewaters on 29 Jun 2012, 11:08 pm, edited 2 times in total.

BrenJB
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29 Jun 2012, 10:55 pm

edgewaters wrote:

ozman wrote:

-many like my wife see a diagnosis as a chance to plan their escape route

Very well stated!

ozman
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29 Jun 2012, 11:20 pm

I'm so confused. I just don't know what to do, half my friends say forget her it's over, other half say hang in there. I guess I have to get on with my life but hang in there, as hard as it is. We are seeing a councillor together and seperately so she will b a source of guidance

hyperlexian
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29 Jun 2012, 11:21 pm

do you really want to stay with her, or is it just important to you that you should stay loyal?

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1000Knives
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29 Jun 2012, 11:23 pm

hyperlexian wrote:

did you try seeking couples' therapy?

I think in his case couple's therapy was "Men are evil and women should be allowed to do whatever they want without question" therapy, judging from what he said in other threads.

hyperlexian
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29 Jun 2012, 11:24 pm

1000Knives wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

did you try seeking couples' therapy?

I think in his case couple's therapy was "Men are evil and women should be allowed to do whatever they want without question" therapy, judging from what he said in other threads.

he said that he didn't start therapy yet, so i don't know what you mean.

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ozman
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29 Jun 2012, 11:24 pm

I have thought long and hard about that. Yes I do, only if she accepts my AS .
Which is the only way she would reconcile anyhow I think.
She was on the verge of a breakdown, I am supporting her for the next few months. May bite me later also

hyperlexian
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29 Jun 2012, 11:26 pm

ozman wrote:

what do you mean by "accepts my AS"? i mean, what specific conditions are you looking for?

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ozman
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29 Jun 2012, 11:27 pm

I'll post a detailed update shortly

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