How to marry a man in 3 months

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For what it may or may not be worth, here is my take on the situation.

In the modern Western World, girls typically grow up learning how to use their sexuality to get men to do things for them.

Russia went through several generations of communism, where access to high-status merchandise was curtailed, and people were brought up with an ethic of building socialism and collectivism. Acquiring status symbols may have been regarded with disdain.

Eastern bloc women typically dominated athletic events at the Olympics, but did not participate in international beauty pageants, which were symbols of bourgeois decadence.

Now, suddenly, they have a consumer-driven culture foisted upon them. Women would like to attract a wealthy husband, but don't have the Western Woman's savoir faire. Hence, the need for some frank lessons.

From a Western perspective, they seem to be overcompensating, but the competition is really, really tough.

Certainly every heterosexual man would love to be flattered and pampered by a beautiful woman. If you're going after a millionaire: most millionaires are especially narcissistic, and would need really special attention. Not only would you have to be extraordinarily sexy and beautiful, but, even if he ejaculated prematurely, you would be obliged to tell him enthusiastically that this was the most powerful orgasm you've ever had, and make it convincing.

I've visited that site, too. Quite a lot of well-written articles. A lot of the observations, from my experience, are absolutely correct.

^^^1000Knives, i think it can work, but there are definitely a lot of different reasons people are seeking foreign brides.

about the misogyny... at my job, i have seen at least 20 couples in that situation (no idea why there are so many customers in that demographic. there are also a lot of pregnant female customers). a few times, i've almost spoken up to the husband because he's been treating his wife so badly in the store. i never end up bothering because the wives don't speak enough english to understand what i'm saying, and anyways, they probably wouldn't appreciate someone making a fuss.

there is something odd about the power dynamic between some couples if one of them thinks they are doing the other one a favour by bringing them to canada to live. a person who thinks they are rescuing someone else will not put that person on an equal level with them. obviously that's not the case for many (or most?) foreign bride situations, but it is definitely a noticeable problem.

Tony Attwood has his own take on this phenomenon and considering the amount of research he has done Im going to side with him.

According to him people are more understandable of your mistakes when they know that you are an outsider.
This means that if you are the only person of a gender in a group and you make a social mistake they´ll probably be more understanding than if one of their gender did it because they think that you were raised in a different way and you may not know what you did was socially unacceptable(when you are a person of the same gender they just assume that you know whats socially acceptable and what isnt).

Same thing happens when you go abroad. You probably make the same mistakes as in your hometown or more but due to the fact that you are a foreigner and making a great effort to get to know their culture they are way more understanding of your social mistakes.

This means that you may be likelier to find someone that makes an effort to get you abroad than at the place you were raised... regardless of wether you were raised in Japan and you are now going to the US.
Because lets face it most people make fun of generalizations nowadays because they are barely/no longer appliable(have been around for too long/society changes...)

Every now and then someone points out an article from one of those ridiculous magazines like Marie Claire or Cosmo and I am again reminded why I would never deign to let my eyes fall upon them. Its like they are the distilled version of every sick and disgusting (and yes, retro) attitude of the America and apparrently other countries as well.

Again, when there is a power disparity, things get weird and quick....For example, I just took in a homeless, jobless friend for about ten days. Very quickly, I found myself judging her for how she spent her time (she wasnt applying for enough jobs, she wasnt getting her boxes moved to storage) to how she spent her money (why in the world would she waste money on McDonalds when she needs every penny she can get for storage, etc.) I began to resent the food she was eating or not eating.. etc etc

Meanwhile, I'm sure she knew her actions were being observed and judged (she mentioned other ppl judging her for her situation), and i'm sure she felt that awkward combination of being desperate and therefore grateful, yet somewhat defensive and needing to explain their use of time, etc etc ---- meanwhile, littl things would crop up that cost me money (who else was gonna pay? overall a HORRIBLE situation really....

Hopefully I kept all my negative thoughts under wraps and I just tried and tied to be kind and compassionate, but underneath, I began to get angry too- "Why couldn't she at least keep the kitchen perfect? Would it kill her to make herself scarce every now and then?( Even tho she really had few places to go...)

Also, what if she didn't have the means to finally fly back home to the East Coast, what if she HAD NO WHERE TO GO? How bad would I have felt telling her, sorry, you're out on the street!! And I resented her somewhat for ME being in that position... All of these are pretty normal human reactions, I am quite sure, and based on what- POWER IMBALANCE....

All in all- it was a semi- horrible experience, one I hope never to repeat...now imagine THAT is your PERSONAL AND SEXUAL LIFE--- hey, if that is really what you want as a substitute for an authentic, caring and loving relationship between two ppl based on equality and shared power-- Go for it....again, you may just get what you deserve....often times these women take off on the guys as soon as they can speak the language and make it on their own, and do you blame them?

In 3 months!! !!? How about 3 years!! !! There is now way would I want to get married in only 3 months!! ! *runs as fast as he can gets in his car and takes of at 130 mph then finds a place to hide and hides*

I think too many go in with the rose colored glasses on in those situations.

When you have a cross-cultural relationship - you have so many opportunities to offend the other person unknowingly that it's not funny. Sure, you get a pass card for some of your mistakes because you are an outsider - but that can only last so long. Taking two often markedly different value systems and trying to make them mesh is a challenge in most normal relationships - it's a challenge that is magnified many times over in a cross-cultural relatiionship because often culture dictates much more of your values and norms than you are consciously aware of.

I'm not saying that they can't work, but both of you have to be willing to take on some values of each others cultures, otherwise it won't work.
Those who you see who demand that one person conform entirely to their culture, those almost always fail.

Add to that, you don't even usually know what you are being judged by - or where you are screwing up and it can become a real problem. They don't want to offend you or make you feel bad if you always do something that is offensive or somehow hurtful to them - but not saying anything just produces resentment. It's a really tricky thing to balance long term unless you have two people who are used to dealing with other cultures on a constant basis and have a lot of practise communicating accross that cultural divide.

Whom one is going to marry, whether one is going to marry--these are very personal decisions, and people have to decide for themselves, and not worry about being judged by others.

You have to consider the qualities that you want in a mate, and what you have to offer.

What you have to offer may be of no interest to someone in your own country, but might actually be of great interest to someone in a different country. Immigration papers might be a big draw, and shouldn't necessarily be discounted.

In some countries, a foreign husband can be quite a status symbol. In the Philippines, for example, the entertainment industry is dominated by mixed-race people (typically a Filipina mother and a foreign father).

People in each country think, act, and live differently. It certainly is worthwhile to become acquainted with different cultures.

As for the 'power dynamic': I think that even in the USA, among Christians the ideal is for the man to be the undisputed head of the family.

The best is for a couple to be compatible, and exercise power in different areas, rather than to compete against each other for power.

You might consider going to Japan to work as an English teacher. You'll have plenty of time to learn about the culture, get to know some local chicks, etc.

As for the "green card": none of them would be after you for a green card. If they want, Japanese can enter the USA without a visa, and stay up to (I think) 3 months. Some nationalities (e.g., Russian) need a visa, which is impossible for most Russians to get, unless they find someone willing to marry them.

that's a really good idea.

You might like the movie My Darling is a Foreigner

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLyB7N9XFiw[/youtube]

about a romance between a young Japanese woman and a young American man.

It is based on a true story. The man seemed a tad Aspie to me--being obsessed with Japanese language and culture, to the point of correcting Japanese grammar and cultural mistakes of Japanese people themselves.

So, you might do well there. Definitely worth checking out.

And, for the opposite perspective, the movie Mail Order Wife

http://www.hulu.com/watch/179430

It is a mockumentary about a sexy, sultry, culture-shocked Asian woman, who goes to New York to marry the most obnoxious man in North America.

I thought it was hilarious.

Once again, another post so good I could just KISS the writer! I was hopeful and naive to think the goal was to find a loving husband rather than "a good catch". Good call on Cosmo, too... small wonder we have the problems we have when the answer to imperfect men is to lie/manipulate/steal/abuse them... Someone's gotta' take the high road at some point - right?

Get a room, you two!

Hilarious! (esp bcs I was about to respond to my new admirer that I wanted to kiss HIM for making me feel less alone in this world!!)

And you joined WrongPlanet just one month ago. You're doing better than most of Yulia Varra's students themselves! You certainly must have learned something here.