Describe your love life.

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My love life is a monastery from which I am trying to escape. I'm not the kind of guy girl want to hook up with at parties (see the whole Bad Boy discussion), and a lot of times I don't think people slow down enough to really get to know me. My theory is that standard small-talk conversation is very "within time". You feel time passing, you don't feel like you are out of the physical place you are in. The best conversations are outside time. Apart from the two of you (I guess up to maybe 4 or 5 people could have such a conversation together), the rest of the world stands still. If I wanted to represent it in a movie, I would dim the light everywhere besides the people talking and have others walk in slow motion outside of the light because that is how it feels to me. This is similar to descriptions of love but it does not entail love. It is a transcendent conversation. It is in conversations like these that who I am really shines through. In small talk conversations I am fairly flat and boring.

An example of one of these great conversations is 2 years ago a girl and I met in her room to study for a philosophy test. Instead we spent 3 hours just talking about the meaning of life, ethics, the transcendence of literature, etc. She had and still has a boyfriend, so I never pursued her romantically, but if I was told I had 3 hours left before I died, that is how I would like to spend them.

I have mild AS. This is a blessing and a curse, for I have grown very good at covering it up. Beneath the veneer, however, chaos lurks.

I have been lucky enough to have a series of relationships over the last 10 years which were all good in different ways. However I have this wierd condition whereby the more I care about someone, the more I try to cover things up and be a "perfect boyfriend". The two girls I really adored the most both fell foul of this in a bad way, because I stressed myself out trying to be perfect for them, became exhausted, depressed and argumentative, and then melted down completely. This has happened twice, once 10 years ago and again about a year ago.

In the process, of course, I was really horrible. How the hell can I explain to someone that I love them more than anything else on earth when I am busy making their life a misery? I put them both through hell for reasons I still don't really understand. And I'm damn sure they still believe I hated them somehow, or enjoyed making them miserable. I didn't, of course. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. It was bloody awful.

I am trying to deal with the guilt which comes from hurting people I really love. I don't know why I acted like that, I knew it was wrong and it made me feel shaky and sick, but I just couldn't stop myself from feeling angry and mentally lashing out. (I ought to say that I've never hit anyone - I was mean in the way I acted and the things I said, nothing physical). I find the whole thing scary and confusing. And I can't say anything to resolve the situation because it automatically looks as though I'm lying.

At the moment there is someone who I think might be interested in me. I really like her, but I am afraid to start another relationship knowing that it could go as painfully wrong as the last one did. Plus I do still have a lot of feelings for my ex.

Difficult one. I've been with my partner for 15 years. I've thought in my mind do I love him or not and I honestly don't know the answer. I don't know if he's just a friend or a boyfriend as I don't know whether the feelings I have are love or just friendship. We're relatively happy so it's not a biggy but it does bother me sometimes that I cannot identify this feeling called 'love'

[this space available]

Regretful and guilty... yay...

There are so many people looking for love, I have been offered it and I'm just not interested. I tried to be, but I can't do it. Now I feel guilty because I'm going to hurt the guy and he doesn't deserve it.

Don't blame yourself. If you don't feel it, you don't feel it.

It's not something that can be forced.

Maybe some day, you will feel that way about somebody.

thanks Your comment is genuinely appreciated, I'm feeling low about the whole thing. Plus I'm trying to post a new thread in L&D for advice on how to break up as 'nicely' as possible but the site won't let me.

Stagnant for now. Once I recover look out though...

Dead, empty, no future.

Nonexistent ten years ago, when this thread was started, nonexistent to this day, nonexistent for the foreseeable future and probably for good. I remember ten years ago as a time of hope, which I proved too stupid and cowardly to bring to anything but a drawn-out wilt.

<----- Like my face.

I've been on one date because I felt pressured to do it, and I've been happily single ever since. I'm asexual and aromantic, so the only type of relationship I am interested in is a queerplatonic one which is basically a glorified close friendship with no romantic or sexual elements and even that I go back and fourth about.

This is how I would describe it with a photo:

Look, look at all the love life I have!

A cocktail of exhilaration and passion laced with fear and anxiety. Still unsure if love is worth all troubles and woes, but here I am again on the verge of vomiting, yet still chasing the very chemicals that are perpetuating this illness. Mo Luv Mo Problems.

It's full of liars and users