How can you have hope as a 41 yo virgin?

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I know this may seem a bit random, but If you're looking at porn on a regular basis, stop looking at it. It over-sexualizes your intentions with women and jacks with your head in a number of different ways. I think chicks are attracted to a masculine vibe but one that isn't too sexual. I've found that porn drains my libido too much and makes me timid and shy around women. I haven't looked at porn in three months, and I find I'm a lot less shy around girls and more able to interact with them. I even made out with someone for the first time a week ago. Aside from quiting porn, I try to keep my thoughts as clean as possible, and this allows me to be much smoother when talking to girls. My intention is less "I wanna screw this dame" and more like "I like her hair and really want to hold her hand". One thing naturally leads to the other from here. If you're not overindulging in porn, great, but I've found this is a pretty common problem, and thought I'd throw that out there since I've had personal success with it. I'd suggest looking into the yourbrainonporn series. I've really discovered my true sexuality and emotional needs through this.

Dude, were all gonna come off as creepy and be rejected at some point. Just don't come on too strong, take it smooth, and don't hold back your emotions and intentions so much that you release them all at one time and she has no other option but to reject you. Above all learn from your past mistakes, but don't dwell in them. If you really know deep down that you're really not an a**hole, creep, or someone that wants to hurt her, don't worry about it. By the mere fact of worrying about it, a girls going to sense the self doubt in you and naturally be repelled by that. In fact, use the knowledge that you won't possibly hurt her and that you are a good guy as a source of confidence.

Last edited by JNathanK on 07 Sep 2012, 4:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

YOU ARE ON FIRE WITH THE AWESOME ADVICE!

Oh thanks

I have no idea my past mistakes. I've been on 3 first dates with 3 diff women(obviously). None returned my texts for a second date and none would give e feedback on what the didnt like about me. These were girls i et online. The dates seemed to go well and lasted 2 hrs of talking over coffee lol. havent had a date since in a yr.

They probably smile at you either because of one of the following:
- They are friendly, outgoing women who smile at everyone.
- They are in a good mood at the time.
- They think you are cute.

I've met a lot of very outgoing women, but I never met one who would go up to a guy in a supermarket and ask him out. At most, they might strike up a chat about something neutral. Same goes for me: I'm actually not shy around men but I never asked one out outright, just started a conversation and hoped for the best. It may not be fair, but women learn that if a guy finds us attractive he will pursue us, and a guy who makes no effort to do so is just not interested.

There's really no practical solution but to put yourself out there. The more women you talk to, the better the chances: the same thing one woman finds off-putting another might find endearing. You want one who appreciates who you are, right? If you have to walk on thin ice to impress her, that's not the case, therefore she's not what you're after.

We're really, really not all the same and not looking for the same thing. Don't listen to the bitter single guys, look at the married guys - are they all the same?

Start with yourself. Don't seek validation from success with women, because you're not going to get it that way. Start by being content with yourself and even the possibility you may never have success with women. it sounds a bit counter-intuitive, but when you're constantly worried about relationship success around girls, you're probably carrying a tension and uneasiness with you that's visible to others, including the girl you're dating. It shows lack of confidence, and chicks don't dig that. I made the mistake of thinking that I needed emotional closeness and dating to be a happy person, but, really, the goal in life should be to make yourself happy and be able to share that self cultivated happiness with others if the opportunity presents itself. The same principle could hold true for anyone, male or female, old or young, paired or unpaired. Develop yourself as an individual, not someone who's identity is dependent and over-invested in the acceptance or non-acceptance by others.

The way I see it is that if it really is impossible for you or me to develop an intimate relationship, no point in being sad about it. I'm gonna enjoy my life anyway. On the other hand, if it is possible, which I'm absolutely certain it is for you, worrying about it is just hurting your chances with girls. Not worrying about it is a win-win in my view. That's not to say you shouldn't evaluate your own behavior at all, but it is to say you shouldn't allow yourself to become emotionally ravaged by it.

WAY easier said than done. Especially when you want to have children, pass on your genes and have nice, love-laden sex. You can't get that stuff by being happy with yourself. I can't ignore an elephant in the room.

Its true though. This is just hard knocks schooling I've had to learn on my own. Take it or leave it. No one can love you more than you can love you.

it's just bs you['re trying to sell us. keithro has a point.

it's not b.s.

think of it this way. there are 4 possibilities:

1. if you become happy alone and find someone, you have a good chance of achieving a happy life and a fulfilling relationship

2. if you become happy alone and don't find someone, you have a good chance of achieving a happy life

3. if you don't become happy alone and find someone, you have a good chance of being unhappy and having a dysfunctional relationship

4. if you don't become happy alone and don't find someone, you will be miserable


the fact is, not everyone (male or female) is going to have a long-term relationship in their lifetime. but you will be better prepared for any eventuality (singleness OR a relationship) if you find a way to be happy, fulfilled, and accomplished in your life.

Plus, you're more likely to attract someone if you aren't in a miserable state of mind. There's no point in wallowing around in self pity over not getting a partner, because its counter-productive to the very goal of attracting a partner. Nobody really likes being around anyone who's miserable and dumps their problems on them, even other miserable people. Every moment you spend moping around, you're, both, eroding your confidence and losing time that you could be using to interact with people. Letting go of your insecurities is the ultimate form of liberation, moreso than even physically dethroning a tyrant, because all forms of totalitarianism, whether an abusive self perception, an abusive relationship, or an entire oppressive societal structure, is built on a foundation of deep seeded insecurity that needs to be smashed if humanity ever wants to truly be free.

even if you can be happy alone you should never settle for it.
I personally can prob be happy alone but I will nvr be happy not having someone want to be physical with me once in my life...tht kind of rejection hurts. If I had sex once a yr with a girl who thought I was cute thtd be enough.

If you dislike/hate/etc yourself, why should anyone else love/like/accept you? Relationships are a 2 way street and what I see a lot on these boards are men overfocusing on what they want, what they need, what they would settle for, without thought for what the woman wants, needs and so on.

Imagine your ideal woman, what kind of man would she be interested in. A large part of this is being brutally honest with yourself, about your good sides and your bad sides. Then find ways to accentuate your good sides and improve your bad sides.

well said - that makes a lot of sense.

I dont hate myself at all other people hate me but i dont hate myself