How long does it take to stop obsessing?

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Well if I were you, I'd talk to her more and try to spend some time with her, Don't carry the obsessive attitude with you though. That has to go in any case. Maybe you should meet new people, but don't necessarily cut off ties with her. You should come to peace with your fear though, the one that she won't become romantic with you and that you'll never find anyone. Rather than being constantly bothered by this fear, embrace the possibility and be contented in it. I really don't think that its true, but stare this deepest fear in its face and be at peace with it.

Don't look for validation from her acceptance of you either, cause it projects a neediness. If you're comfortable with yourself and the wellspring of your own happiness, you're much more likely to win over a girl's heart that way. Don't be afraid to be intimate either. If she holds your hand, hold hers back. If she comments on your appearance, comment on hers. You shouldn't emotionally invest yourself in your success or lack of success with any girl, because your thought processes will be too tied up, and you'll appear uneasy and nervous. Look at yourself in the mirror and bring your confident self out. When you find that part of you, try to work on maintaining it throughout the day. It will not only improve your success with women but everybody.

I wouldn't outright ask her why she doesn't want to date you either. That's just more neediness, and I think if you're honest with yourself (but not overly harsh) you can figure it out on your own.

Also, given your age, you have your brain telling you one thing (i.e., stay away from girls. Just take "no" as an answer. etc.). And, your body right now is full of hormones telling you to get out there and shag. The contradictory impulses can make life quite unpleasant, particularly as you pick one woman to objectify and over whom to obsess, and project your mish-mash of feelings onto her.

Your mind has created an image of her, and that image is very different from reality.

The impact of the hormones can be very hard at your age, but softens mercifully with age. By the time you are 30, you should be able to perceive the world more objectively once again. She will gradually haunt your mind less and less.

A good quote. I am aware of that, but it is not an easy thing to do.





I am seriously thinking about sending her a message on her birthday, about 20 days from now. Seems like as good an opportunity as any (I could have done that in my birthday, which was a few days ago, but had not thought of that yet). I could send a humorous message, since she is already used to my... unorthodox personality (it is almost certainly what made her reject me, to be honest). In fact, I already have an idea of what I should write and I do not think it would do any harm to try (although my idea of what is acceptable is probably a lot different from hers).



Eight years is still 7.8 years more than I think it should take.

Things would probably be a lot easier if I had fallen in love for the first when I was 13, like any normal guy. My brain is apparently trolling me.

Well go for it. See if you can somehow get a coffee date from it. Don't let it bum your whole day out if it doesn't pan out. That's the trick. Cause if it bums you out, it means you were carrying too much desperation with you 20 days prior, and desperation isn't healthy in any event. ...and if it does pan out, that needy attitude is gonna hurt you when you interact with her. You gotta be cool. I'd also try talking to girls any chance u get too, just to remind yourself that there's other women out there. Don't deprecate yourself either, You need to think you're the s**t, and know you're the s**t, and f**k what anyone else thinks. That's not to say you should be arrogant, but its something you need to balance out your attitude with. Like, don't spend the next 20 days thinking about texting her. Do other things to get your mind off your failings, and be sure to remember to text her when the time comes up. ...or hell, text her before if you think u have an opportunity.

My advice was coming from the angle of things being, done. The girl I liked was getting married. I also just never told her how I felt, until she asked me to come to her wedding, then it was "the jig is up" and for all I know, she may have had some feelings for me. So if the girl is still single, then you have a chance, in my case, the girl had a boyfriend at first, then got married. So...yeah. So there was zero hope, I just had to erase it all from my life the best I could.

In your case, I don't know really. You could try again. But at the same time, texting her again, and trying to get into the "friendzone" with hopes she'll like you again is dumb. Dumb dumb dumb. Doing that "friendzone" kinda stuff is just the worst idea ever. You'll be teased with false hope. So try again if you want, but don't introduce her back into your life if it's gonna be "friendzone." If you don't have anything in common or anything like that you could be good platonic friends, then it's stupid to even be in the "friendzone" again. I think in some ways, too, if she liked you, she'd be continuing contact with you on some level, and obviously with all friendships, when you break apart, both sides have to contribute somewhat to keeping contact, but if it's onesided, then the other person doesn't like you. So, if you wanna try again, see wtf happens, go for it, but don't drag yourself through the friendzone forever.

We should all just make fools of our selves. It seems to be the only way.

From my favourite novel, The Last Temptation of Christ

You're 22, and living in the most sexually liberated nation on the planet, with the world's most beautiful and sexiest women at your disposal.

Moping would make sense if you lived in the North America, but not in Brazil. Who wouldn't want to be 22 and living in Brazil? You're the envy of almost every man on Earth.

You have to get over your fixation, one way or another. Behind your fantasy is a real person, with whom you might or might not get along in real life, if you succeeded eventually in establishing a romantic relationship with her. You're just going to have to go ahead and make a fool of yourself, and get it over with.

First of all, you really should have coitus, to learn the ropes, and also to reduce the hormonal tensions. I don't know if it is quite as simple as those Mike in Brazil videos might lead us to believe, but it seems like it can't be that difficult where you are. If some of your friends approach girls on the beach, tell them that you are a virgin, and ask whether they would like to be your first: it seems like it could work. Otherwise, the brothels.

If I could go back to when I was 22, and give myself some advice, here is what I would say:

1. Bath regularly, change your clothes every day, use shampoo and deodorants, etc. Just because you can't smell yourself doesn't mean that you don't stink.

2. Wear clothes that at least go together well. Stars, stripes and polkadots must never be worn together. Discard clothing that is torn.

3. The girl who has been smiling at you and talking to you might actually be interested in getting in your pants, but YOU have to be the one to initiate things, which involves getting out of your passive comfort zone, and becoming mildly aggressive (compared to your usual modus operandi).

The above points might not apply to you, and most neurotypicals are already aware of them.

At this point, you have to see your obsession for what it is: a pure fantasy. And, get yourself a piece of ass, because the sperm has already risen to your head and has begun attacking your brain.

And, don't be too picky. Don't think that you can only have a relationship with someone on whom you have been smitten with a mad, passionate crush. If anything, it gets in the way. Lots of girls would be fine, if you give them a chance.

What did she say when you told her how you felt about her?

From my own point of view I have a person I'm obsessed with and love and told him this and I tried cutting off from him and forgetting about him as he doesn't feel same way, just wants physical interactions but trying to forget him doesn't work so I go with what he wants mainly as I like him so much. I remind myself that loads of people get made a fool of by the people they love ie I'm not alone in my suffering. Depends how much you want to be near the person really and in my case it's a lot.

It does not work like that. If I ever try to have one night stands with random girls (I would not refuse if it ever happened, but it is not something I am looking for), the first rule I should obey is: never tell them you are a virgin.



This is not a problem for me. I already do that.



This is something I am currently working on. While my clothes go well together, they are mostly worn out. I am currently working on renewing my wardrobe, although my motivation is purely work-related.



This is the one thing I really need to work on. I have already lost a few chances due to my lack of initiative or even obliviousness.



Interestingly, this is exactly what most of my friends used to tell me (one of them even uses the "sperm risen to your head" quote). Not because of my obsession, though; I have not told about it to anybody I know. The main reason for this advice is due to my excentric behavior. They tell me I would be more normal if I at least had a girlfriend. And they also tell me they would have no troubles with women if they were on my shoes, which actually bothers me a lot (since the implication is that they think they would be a better "me" than I am).

I did not exactly tell her how I feel. Long story short, she did something that looked like she could be interested in me and, since I was already interested in her, I asked her about it (via Facebook PMs; I had a few chances to talk to her in person, but I could not do it). When I asked her, I mentioned that I would be interested if she were, but that we could simply forget I ever asked that if she was not interested. She replied by apologizing for the misunderstanding and telling me she would do as I asked (i. e. acting as if that never happened). I told her it was all right and we did exactly as agreed; we never mentioned it again.

It is pretty obvious that I have been friendzoned, but I still want to try again, even though I made it clear that I would never mention it again. This irrational feeling of hope will probably be my downfall.

I'm biding my time, not saying 'I love you' to the person I see so as not to alarm him or drive him away, just telling him I have feelings for him and he says he understands and does care for me. So I think him saying that is better than nothing and keep my thoughts re love to myself.
Just because a person isn't responding to you exactly as you want them to doesn't mean they might not develop more feelings for you over time from familiarity.

I used to talk to one ex bf online just as a friend for over a year before we met up and started going out.

So I would just try and remain friends with this girl as you don't know what might happen in the future. You have to make someone get used to your company and become your confidante ie they confide stuff they wouldn't tell others. You can only do this by just being a good friend and not putting any pressure or expectations on them to be anything other than what they want you to be.

I am pretty sure she knows enough about me to understand my intentions if I tried to simply contact her as a friend. I am not the kind of person who keeps in touch with old friends.

If I try to talk to her again, it will be obvious that I am still interested in her. Therefore, I think I should just be honest about it and ask her in a non-threathening, humorous way, if she wants to reconsider. I am not sure if I will try it again, though; not only I told her we should never speak of that again, but also I am 99% sure nothing will come out of it. Like 1000Knives said, I will probably be friendzoned again. Or she will begin to actively avoid me (which could actually help me forget about her).

Umm..i think it's ok to obssess over her..if you still have feelings for her then instead of trying to block it just allow things to settle down on their own.
The guy who likes me currently... he actually liked for more than 3 years before we started talking..before that whenever he tried to talk to me i always rejected him and was rude...so the point is that you can not be sure of how things are going to turn up so if you still think you have a chance try to be very honest with her...a no doesn't always mean a no..eventually girls fall for a guy who's willing to do anything for them..it takes some time though to completely trust a guy!
Sorry i am going by my own experience and being highly optimistic..good luck!!

Last edited by chazz on 09 Sep 2012, 12:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Why not? I think that most men would be enchanted at the idea of deflowering a virgin. Perhaps for women it is the same?

Also, given the awkwardness of one's first effort (on top of your natural awkwardness), it might help to ease her understanding if she knows that you are a virgin. Otherwise, she might think "Well, that was a waste of time. I'm not doing him again."

This would likely be more fruitful than an approach with a girl over whom you are obsessing. Having an obsessive crush on a girl only compounds both the awkwardness and the frustration exponentially, and may just creep her out. You may end up putting yourself through a self-destructive negative-feedback loop.

If they say that they would have no troubles with women if they were in your shoes: I would interpret this in a positive way. They probably think that you are more handsome than they are, and that some of your eccentric traits might actually endear you to women. So, maybe all that you have to do is work on your approach, and then you'll be laying chicks like a 22 year old Brazilian at the top of his game.

As for being more normal if you had a girlfriend: the girlfriend would take it upon herself to tell you how to dress and behave. And, you wouldn't be starved for sex, which is probably exacerbating some eccentricities.