Telling girls I'm an aspie - reaction?

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ManicDan I take offence in hearing anyone say people with AS have a disability. I totally disagree, and if anyone remotely hinted at that suggestion, it wouldn't be *them* rejecting me, but the other way round. We are not disabled, we are different, We have a condition to which a large part of the population are ignorant about. If I am told someone is "something", and I am not aware of what that "something" entails, I research it, to the extent of perfection, so I can form a mature and informed decision on the matter. All too often we hear people with AS comment about being accepted. It's time *we* start picking up on the fact that we are just as human, and with exactly the same rights as any other being on this earth!

I only tell a girl if I really need to. For example if I have an overload around her and have to make an exit faster than the road runner and she thinks its her fault.

i think we are agreeing. i said "your list should be about who you are that make you interesting NOT disabled". so it should not include something like "i cant handle crowds" which gives ideas of limitation. there are pros and cons to having AS and the point is to stick to the pros.

the other time i said disabled was "or someone would think of you as disabled and want to leave. these kinds of things are out of our control for the most part" as in we dont have final control of how someone interprets what was said. ive known people who think anyone who sees a therapist as emotionally damaged or weak or something wrong, even though the first time i ever saw a therapist was court orderd as part of my parent divorce because our laws require it. communcation is 50% how its said, and 50% how its herd. yet its funny that 90% of the blame is always put on those who speak instead of the listeners who could try to just a little harder to be empathetic.

hope this helps clarify, i would never see myself as disabled, just a little slow to learn certain skills.

I feel like the only way to have and maintain a relationship is to keep my AS/HFA a secret and put on my NT facade because 9 out of 10 they will respond ...oh I had no idea or you hide it so well then they walk away or dump me shortly after with the its not you its me speech.

You can't keep up a façade with a long term partner. They will notice, and at some point it will cause issues and misunderstandings in your relationship. If you hide it from them - eventually your façade will slip - you simply cannot keep it up 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. When they find out that you were acting all along like an NT, but aren't actually like that - they will go "This is not what I signed up for" and leave anyway.

Most guys with AS that I know, they put up the NT façade long enough to get a woman interested, but then slip up or drop the act once they think that they "have" her and then once a woman figures out that it is all a façade, they leave.

Personally I think you are better off being up front about it from the beginning - if it's the right woman, they are going to use that knowledge to develop understanding, empathy and compassion in order to deepen your relationship,, right from the beginning. The ones who are going to leave if you tell them aren't worth it anyway.

(Evinceo likes this)

why should I not hate all women?

I can't vote because you're missing the reply: "Wait, what? I'm sorry to hear that. I didn't know. You don't look like it."

95% of the time they leave once a guy mentions he has AS or HFA instantly at least it will somewhat last when not mentioned but overtime it gets emotionally draining then they will leave. Now a days I mention it right away and take it or leave it approach if they leave right away for get them but if they accept me for who I am they are worthy.Those kinds of accepting NTs are rare though.

I've come to find that being very confident but cool about how you're different can make a huge difference. For example, I "came out" to one of my circle of friends, and spent a good amount of time explaining to them how I can "see things they can't see", and how they can "see things that I can't see", how it gives me a powerful gift in the way of being able to think in unique and highly applicable fashions, and how being liberated from social pressures and expectations allows me to be an innovator with a tremendous capacity for being able to change the status quo.

In other words, dress up your AS as something awesome but quirky, and you get way better reactions.

AO: Of course they do.
It happens to us women as well.
The reality is that those who leave upfront because you mention it would have left in the end anyway, after they figured out for themselves that you aren't "normal".

But Shau is right. It helps your chances greatly if you can do in a calm and easygoing manner.

if the statistic is really 95% of them leave after mentioning it, but were fine with you before then, just dont mention it (id bet the method of how its brought up is more important than the label though). so if its that bad then act like you had no idea yourself that you had AS. i only found out about AS a little over a year ago, and its not like im worse off because i know, infact im easily 10x better at understanding my odd perspectives now. so if was able to have a relationship before, then theres no need to ruin anything good now.

i honestly dont believe the 95% figure though. something else is going on if the only reason things broke off was mentioning AS.

Two girls asked me at different times if I was an Aspie. The first time had positive results as I found out the girl had Asperger's like me. The second girl asked me the same question and I said I did. After that, she said that people with Aspergers are annoying. So from my experience only "come out" as an Aspie if a girl asks you and hope for the best!

They would say FREAK!!Then they would avoid me at all costs.

All the women get mad at me for not asking questions about them and talking about my hobbies to them.

Don't do that then? (I know it's hard, and I can't say I'm totally successful, but you've summed up the problem so perfectly...)