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Discrimination in dating!

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Tyri0n
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02 Dec 2012, 2:11 pm

Jamesy wrote:
Here is some info I found from an article regarding autistic people in the dating world.

"Autistic people may also face challenges in pursuing romantic relationships. Although no academic studies about romantic relationships have been published, personal accounts by autistic people do indicate that learning how too develop such relationships and navigate dating and marriage may be particularly difficult for many. This problem may be exacerbated by societal views that romantic relationships are not desirable or attainable for autistic people.

"People with developmental and intellectual disabilities historically have faced discriminatory practices by members of society too prevent there participation in romantic relationships and too limit there ability too have children. For instance, people with intellectual disabilities commonly underwent procedures too sterilize them during the early 20th century. More than 47,000 forced sterilizations of people with intellectual and developmental disabilities in 30 states occurred in the four decade span between 1907 and 1947. Although such forced sterilization for any subset of the population in the 21st century is very rare, negative attitudes and outdated perceptions regarding romantic relationships for people with intellectual and developmental disabilities have nothing less persisted. These prejudices have often limited the ability of autistic people too participate in romantic relationships of there own choosing".





What do you think of this info?


1. Equating current dating prejudice with the eugenics movement is absurd.

2. Discrimination is not a correct term. That implies something illegal or immoral. Seeking out mates with certain qualities is not discrimination; it's normal, and we do it too. This isn't a problem limited to ASD. Both men and women, when seeking a mate, seek individuals who are empathetic, social, fun, and good-looking. Studies show that women are highly unlikely to date a guy who is unemployed; to a lesser extent, men also discriminate in this way. This cuts against both males and females on the spectrum.

A typical online dating ad from a female says "If you do not have a job or a vehicle, please do not message me." That rules out probably 80% of males on the spectrum. Besides that, my biggest barrier to dating is I do not pick up on flirting, so women get frustrated and think I am arrogant or aloof. No woman wants an arrogant or aloof boyfriend.

So it's not that they discriminate against us because we are on the spectrum, they do not want to date us because being on the spectrum causes us to engage in socially awkward and undesirable behavior and not to meet society's expectations. Not saying dating won't happen (I have been in a few relationships that lasted a few months), but it will always be very difficult because of our behavior. The onus is on us to fix our behavior rather than blaming others.

But fixing our behavior is a life-long process. My progress is often slow, agonizing, and painful. But that's my fault, not society's.



JamesDash2B
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02 Dec 2012, 6:56 pm

Hi me again :)

I cant speak about other people - only my own personal experience :( but I am a very caring kind and loving guy - and I have loads of various interesting interests and I just find it very sad and unfair when as soon as a lady finds out I have aspergers 99.7% of all the ladies that I tried to see if we clicked and if we had that special connection - would just assume that I was uncaring and unable to be a loving good life long partner just by hearing that I have aspergers - and eiather know abit about aspergers or just make up this image in her head that I could'nt and would'nt be able to be a kind loving and very understanding poss life long loving partner - when she has'nt even given me a chance and try for us to get to know each other :( cause if you both find each other both attractive firstly physically and then as we get to know each other in terms of what qualities we have as people on the inside such as our hopes and dreams and personalities ect :cry:

I just think it's very unfair to make assumptions about how some1 will be like as a person and potential life partner - by hearing that that person has aspergers - cause like me I have aspergers but am very empathetic and spend lots of time thinking how others feel and think around me and how my actions/words may affect them and how they feel - which shows even though I have aspergers I am still a very Loving kind and very caring and considerate guy :D

So pleas any1 out there that finds out a potential life partner has aspergers - pleas atleast give her/him a chance - cause if you find her/him attractive pleas just give them a chance cause they may be like me and have such a big kind and caring heart and a very considerate and understanding mind and have so much Love to give the poss 1 life long loveing partner :D

So pleas dont just assume we cant feel and Love and care like NT's cause there are people with aspergers out there that do want and are looking for their 1 Love too and have so much to give just as much as you do :oops: 8O :roll: :D

Hope people know what I am trying to show - that there are people with aspergers that can be just as kind and Loving as NT's and we should'nt be pre judged and written off and not given atleast a fair/decent chance when it comes to dating/finding our 1 Love 8)



Tyri0n
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02 Dec 2012, 7:40 pm

JamesDash2B wrote:
Hi me again :)

I cant speak about other people - only my own personal experience :( but I am a very caring kind and loving guy - and I have loads of various interesting interests and I just find it very sad and unfair when as soon as a lady finds out I have aspergers 99.7% of all the ladies that I tried to see if we clicked and if we had that special connection - would just assume that I was uncaring and unable to be a loving good life long partner just by hearing that I have aspergers - and eiather know abit about aspergers or just make up this image in her head that I could'nt and would'nt be able to be a kind loving and very understanding poss life long loving partner - when she has'nt even given me a chance and try for us to get to know each other :( cause if you both find each other both attractive firstly physically and then as we get to know each other in terms of what qualities we have as people on the inside such as our hopes and dreams and personalities ect :cry:

I just think it's very unfair to make assumptions about how some1 will be like as a person and potential life partner - by hearing that that person has aspergers - cause like me I have aspergers but am very empathetic and spend lots of time thinking how others feel and think around me and how my actions/words may affect them and how they feel - which shows even though I have aspergers I am still a very Loving kind and very caring and considerate guy :D

So pleas any1 out there that finds out a potential life partner has aspergers - pleas atleast give her/him a chance - cause if you find her/him attractive pleas just give them a chance cause they may be like me and have such a big kind and caring heart and a very considerate and understanding mind and have so much Love to give the poss 1 life long loveing partner :D

So pleas dont just assume we cant feel and Love and care like NT's cause there are people with aspergers out there that do want and are looking for their 1 Love too and have so much to give just as much as you do :oops: 8O :roll: :D

Hope people know what I am trying to show - that there are people with aspergers that can be just as kind and Loving as NT's and we should'nt be pre judged and written off and not given atleast a fair/decent chance when it comes to dating/finding our 1 Love 8)


If they are discriminating against you because they know you have ASD, that's shameful. If they won't date you because of your behavior or appearance (whether or not caused by ASD), that's just normal.

If you suspect the former, don't tell them you have ASD. If they still won't date you, then it's definitely the latter, and you can't blame them.



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02 Dec 2012, 8:04 pm

The irony I see in dating is a person is not willing to date someone who is sick or has incontinence or needs help caring for themselves and is unable to work, but yet if any of these became onset after they are together, the partner doesn't leave them for it. Some do of course. To me it's all hypocrisy. I know lot of men wouldn't want to be with me so they would run within a few months or weeks but not my husband. I did expect him to break up with me but he never did. I broke up with both my boyfriends and they both had disabilities and issues but that is not why I left them. But hey if things don't work out between you two, don't be obligated to stay just because they have a disability and oh no they can't help it so it make you shallow and intolerant if you leave them. :roll:

I find it sad how someone runs due to a disability you have such as autism. Even if things were going well between you two and then you disclose it, bam the person gets a different view about you and runs ignoring all the good things about you and how caring you have been.

But I am guilty of having a strict list like must have a car, must have a job and it must not be the one they just started. Why? Because I was hurt by my ex and I didn't want to go through that again. I had other requirements too. But then I met my husband and even though he didn't drive, I scratched that off my list because he worked and I saw how well he took care of himself and got around. He was a great guy so not driving didn't matter.

But same thing happens with looks. Men may go after someone who has a butt and boobs and has a nice body or just because they are so pretty. Everyone is shallow when it comes to dating as my brother said when he was 16. We all have something on our list about whom we wouldn't date.


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AspieOtaku
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02 Dec 2012, 10:21 pm

This is usually the scenerio for me.

me: theres something I have to tell you but im afraid to say it out of fear of you of breaking up with me.

gf: its ok you can tell me anything I love you so much, of course I wont break up with you.

me: ok well here it goes....Im an aspie.

gf: oh I had no idea

me: do you still love me?

gf: of course silly!

2 days later

gf: honey theres something I need to tell you

me: what is it?

gf: its not you its me!!

The End!


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Tyri0n
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03 Dec 2012, 12:47 am

AspieOtaku wrote:
This is usually the scenerio for me.

me: theres something I have to tell you but im afraid to say it out of fear of you of breaking up with me.

gf: its ok you can tell me anything I love you so much, of course I wont break up with you.

me: ok well here it goes....Im an aspie.

gf: oh I had no idea

me: do you still love me?

gf: of course silly!

2 days later

gf: honey theres something I need to tell you

me: what is it?

gf: its not you its me!!

The End!


Um ... then why tell her? Seems silly if it's happened more than once. You could just say "mild autism" or "NVLD" if you have it (to explain getting lost and missing social cues). "Aspie" is an extremely charged word that one should avoid using. Especially since it won't exist next year. All aspies will either be diagnosed as "moderate functioning" or "high functioning" autistics.

I think a girl would be much more forgiving if you told her you have a slight learning disability (mild autism) vs. basically telling her you're an arrogant nerd with no social skills (which is obviously not the case if she was dating you to begin with).



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03 Dec 2012, 1:41 am

It's very important to tell your partner you have autism during dating and it doesn't matter how mild you are. Your symptoms will still come out and they need to know so they understand you and not misjudge you. If I didn't tell my husband, he may have thought I didn't care about him and that I was cold and selfish and a control freak and wanting things my way and that I don't like him. He thinks we may not still be together if he didn't know. But I am not sure what things would have been like if I never told him. I may seem fine when we meet and you may not guess I have something wrong with me but when we are together 24/7 or see me ore often, it starts to show and you may not even realize it's due to my AS and would just think it's the way I am and my personality.


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Tyri0n
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03 Dec 2012, 3:41 am

League_Girl wrote:
It's very important to tell your partner you have autism during dating and it doesn't matter how mild you are. Your symptoms will still come out and they need to know so they understand you and not misjudge you. If I didn't tell my husband, he may have thought I didn't care about him and that I was cold and selfish and a control freak and wanting things my way and that I don't like him. He thinks we may not still be together if he didn't know. But I am not sure what things would have been like if I never told him. I may seem fine when we meet and you may not guess I have something wrong with me but when we are together 24/7 or see me ore often, it starts to show and you may not even realize it's due to my AS and would just think it's the way I am and my personality.


Well, I think you can tell them too soon. I'd probably tell them about my NLD fairly soon. That's all they need to know. Maybe I'll tell them about autism after 3-4 months if things are still going well. But I never get much past that anyway (mostly because I feel trapped and want out because relationships are exhausting).

I've never dated since I've been diagnosed ... so maybe it will be different? Maybe I won't snap if they are more understanding?



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03 Dec 2012, 3:47 am

Tyri0n wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
It's very important to tell your partner you have autism during dating and it doesn't matter how mild you are. Your symptoms will still come out and they need to know so they understand you and not misjudge you. If I didn't tell my husband, he may have thought I didn't care about him and that I was cold and selfish and a control freak and wanting things my way and that I don't like him. He thinks we may not still be together if he didn't know. But I am not sure what things would have been like if I never told him. I may seem fine when we meet and you may not guess I have something wrong with me but when we are together 24/7 or see me ore often, it starts to show and you may not even realize it's due to my AS and would just think it's the way I am and my personality.


Well, I think you can tell them too soon. I'd probably tell them about my NLD fairly soon. That's all they need to know. Maybe I'll tell them about autism after 3-4 months if things are still going well. But I never get much past that anyway (mostly because I feel trapped and want out because relationships are exhausting).

I've never dated since I've been diagnosed ... so maybe it will be different? Maybe I won't snap if they are more understanding?
Sometimes I feel its best not to tell them at all but keeping for secret for so long can be exhausting! :roll:


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03 Dec 2012, 3:57 am

I tell people early on to get it out of the way and if they don't like it it's their loss. If society sees fit to label me people can deal with the label just as I've been forced to!



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03 Dec 2012, 9:28 am

Tyri0n wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
It's very important to tell your partner you have autism during dating and it doesn't matter how mild you are. Your symptoms will still come out and they need to know so they understand you and not misjudge you. If I didn't tell my husband, he may have thought I didn't care about him and that I was cold and selfish and a control freak and wanting things my way and that I don't like him. He thinks we may not still be together if he didn't know. But I am not sure what things would have been like if I never told him. I may seem fine when we meet and you may not guess I have something wrong with me but when we are together 24/7 or see me ore often, it starts to show and you may not even realize it's due to my AS and would just think it's the way I am and my personality.


Well, I think you can tell them too soon. I'd probably tell them about my NLD fairly soon. That's all they need to know. Maybe I'll tell them about autism after 3-4 months if things are still going well. But I never get much past that anyway (mostly because I feel trapped and want out because relationships are exhausting).

I've never dated since I've been diagnosed ... so maybe it will be different? Maybe I won't snap if they are more understanding?



Maybe. They wouldn't do a thing to cause it to happen.


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Daughter: NT, no diagnoses. Possibly OCD. Is very private about herself.