Trouble forgiving one thing - need perspective

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I hate to admit this... but I am somewhat the same way at times with what you just described.

I am 7 years your senior OP. Trust me when I say this. If you break the cycle of punishing yourself now, you will love yourself now and you will have longer lasting and healthy relationships that you will enjoy being in. Don't sabotage what you described as being a good relationship over one little thing.

The one thing my last one said to me that I had to forgive her for "Have you given me an orgasm yet?" A brief fight happened and I walked away. This problem was solved privately later on.

My mother and I were talking today and she brought this up. She said the man only said that trying to get me to leave and that he wouldn't have if I wasn't out there. I told her how I hate that my boyfriend goes over there all the time and listens to that BS and she said "Your friends aren't a clone of you" and gave examples of our friends who have questionable traits we don't have. Somehow it still bothers me that my boyfriend is friends with that guy. I wonder what other lies he's told him. I'm realizing now, too, that I was upset because he avoided me the rest of the night when he was supposed to be there with me as a date at a party. We hardly saw each other except for the argument.

So basically this was like the joke in the film 'Predator'...

"So I says to my wife, 'Hey, I'd like a little p****!', and she says to me back, 'so would I, mine's as big as a house!'''

The context of this quote is the important part that will give you your perspective. It's a bunch of guys, on a helicopter, about to go into hostile enemy territory. Two of those things have no bearing on it, but one of them does. The thing is, it's not uncommon to hear guys who's wives just had kids say 'yeah I slipped the surgeon a few bucks to put a couple extra stitches in there to make it nice and tight"... guys are insensitive and most of them don't appreciate the female anatomy, or even properly understand how it works. But that's a failure of Sex Ed, most of them don't even understand how their own anatomy works.

Well, my boyfriend knew I had body image issues about that area anyway. That's why I was so upset. That wasn't just insensitive - it was downright mean. I don't see why his gender excuses him for insulting me. What other "guy stuff" should he be allowed to do? Tell me how small my boobs are? Go to a strip club and get a lap dance? Sit in front of me and drool over another women and then describe in detail what he wants to do to her? How does the fact he has a penis make it okay for him to be mean to me?

It doesn't. And I never said it did. I simply said it happens, and tends to happen more frequently when a group of males is together. You are taking an off the cuff conversation between a group of, admittedly, immature males, and turning it into a massive big deal, when in all likely hood there was NO additional, and certainly no actively (rather than benignly) malicious intent involved beyond a childish "girls are icky" mindset that never really leaves the adult male's mind. And simply put, human's are icky, and there are things which both genders physiology do which is gross and is the cause of conflict.. Humans are Organic, Organisms are messy and gross.

You are the one with body issues, so I suggest you work on your body issues, since until YOU work through your issues and become (more) comfortable with it and less worried about them, you will never cease finding things about which he is 'Being Mean'.. since you're looking for reasons to reinforce your own body issues. My ex did exactly the same thing. She would complain after eating a small portion of food that she was getting fat, i would make a comment that I thought she looked beautiful/gorgeous/fine/healthy insert adjective of your choice here, and she took that as the same as me calling her fat, because she was LOOKING to be called fat.. she found it, and provoked an argument about it in order to make herself feel victimized. If he apologized after you explained you were upset by this, then take the apology and quit trying to find sleights to continue feeling victimized by.

Furthermore, telling you how small your boobs are isn't 'Guy stuff', it's simply insensitive, and quite frankly the fact you feel he shouldn't be allowed to do things which he is biologically built to do, in this case "Oggle women" or fantasize over them, is setting yourself up for a world of hurt and pain. He's going to look at other women, and he's going to wonder about them, and he's likely even maybe going to masturbate over them, but the difference is so long as he doesn't actually go after them, then you know you have some one who likes you for a hell of a lot more than simply what you look like.

Simply put, if you're looking for sleights to re-affirm your preconceptions, you'll find them.

Does he go to strip clubs or oggle women in front of you?

He doesn't do any of those things; he's head over heels for me. I was trying to make a point. And I know he might look at other women sexually but my point was asking if the fact he's a guy would make it okay for him to be blatant about it and gush over them in front of me.

So it's a hypothetical question in order to provoke a response that you can then feel victimized by the answer to provided it doesn't conform to your preconceptions.

He's perfectly entitled to say whatever he wants to in front of whomever he wants, most modernized nations guarantee at least some level of freedom of speech or expression, If you sit and listen to him doing it however then you are being a doormat, since it's obvious this hypothetical person doesn't value your company. That or this hypothetical person has a different view of what your relationship means.

Maybe that's the root of the issue, you're assuming that you are the center of his universe and that therefore everything he does or says, he does or says with you in mind, either to "be mean" to you or to cause you some other form of emotional distress.

It's probably not as big a deal as it seems, but I can see where it would at least make a girl uncomfortable. A huge pet peeve of mine is ignorant guys saying stuff like the size of a girl's labia shows she's had sex with a lot of people. *eyeroll*

Personally, I prefer to stay away from guys with that kind of negative attitude about women's bodies and would tell them that if they don't like it, they can go have fun in a guy's ass. Most of those should be tight enough for them!

Rabbittss: The part you said about if he did this he doesn't value my company - that's what I wanted to know. If it should be acceptable to say those things to your partner or if it meant they didn't value the relationship. No, I don't assume I'm the center of his universe; I took it badly because he said it DIRECTLY TO me.

Right on! Thanks so much for the laugh too. I'll remember that comment if I ever hear someone say that again.

Yea, he didn't have to go along with it, especially in front of you, but every couple that anyone knows does some kind of line crossing. It sounds like his friend is really crass and that your bf likes being crass too sometimes.

I don't think its fair to brush aside your feelings, I know from experience that it's not ok to talk about lady parts in front of ladies and it isn't unreasonable to have boundaries. But it's unreasonable to expect anyone to change their perception, your bf probably has a crass streak to his sense of humor and he'll probably laugh at stuff you find revolting or insensitive, you have a better chance of reforming a smoker than you do at changing this.

I think you may be happier if you broke up with him and narrowed your search to someone with a more high-brow sense of humor.

This was one isolated incident; he told me he takes everything the guy says with a grain of salt. He apologized all over the place after I said something to him about it. I don't mind if he has a crass streak; I do too! But what that guy said crossed the line into an insult. My boyfriend and I joke around about rude stuff sometimes but this was the only time he laughed at something that insulted me directly. The main thing that upset me was that I was there - if he did that and I hadn't been I wouldn't have known - and when I left he treated me like I was immature for having been offended and insulted me. But he kniws it upset me and won't do it again. This is not a repeating pattern or worth breaking up over.

Last edited by EmoGlambertAspie on 05 Jan 2013, 3:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

But are you still holding onto that anger about it? It sounds like you are... learn to forgive or every relationship will die from slow rage poisoning.

I'm not angry about it now; I just wanted other people's input to understand it more and see what they think about the idea that a penis gives someone a free pass to insult, spread lies about and belittle the other gender.

I'm sorry about the break up advice, that's a little extreme. It sounds like he's capable of understanding your boundaries, which sound pretty reasonable. I would find a way to move past this incident though, this is punishing your bf and yourself while possibly driving him closer to his friend.

maybe this guy said those things to get you out of there. But I would also get upset, and then I tend to lose my friends because of the stand I take. Your boyfriend seems to manage his friends (good instead of just cutting them off), because you went over there, this happened at their house, not yours.