Why are some aspies so obsessed with finding another aspie?

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Perhaps, I was a little harsh, earlier on. What I mean to say, is that if I find somebody who's right for me, that would be swell, but if I don't find a partner, that would be groovy too, because than I would be able to have my freedom.

Based on my own history, I would prefer to be in a relationship with an AS person. Almost all of the people I have been attracted to in the past have been either AS or have had very strong AS traits.

I can get along very well with NTs, but only those NTs who are particularly understanding of my AS and of my own beliefs and standards with respect to social skills/standards. A lot of people think that because I have a certain job, or that I am of a certain age, that it is right and good and proper for me to act in a certain way... and they express strong disapproval if I don't fit in their box that they want to create for me. If they find fault with various idiosyncrasies that I exhibit, even though such traits really don't affect them or their lives in any way, then that's their own problem, and I would not even think seriously about having any kind of relationship with them.

That being said, I know that AS-AS relationships require an incredible amount of work to succeed, if both people are willing to accept each other's Aspieness. Oftentimes the acceptance that we seek is a far cry from the acceptance that we are willing to extend to the fellow Aspie, and that has been a major complicating factor in every relationship (romantic and platonic) that I've ever had with an Aspie. It is the realization of how hypocritical we really are, that has allowed me to overcome this problem.

I'd prefer an aspie too, for a couple of reasons:
1. She has a better understanding of me and of the things I have went through,
2, Aspies are generally more honest and down to earth, and less about playing games and telling lies

CockneyRebel,

I agree with your sentiments. I think I am way too set in my ways to accommodate the needs of another person. If I find someone who loves cats as much as I do, I might change my mind.

How many of you guys have actually met another AS before? Having met several guys and girls at meetings I can say the spectrum range is enormous. Also the AS guys are a completely different animal from the AS girl. The only thing I have in common with any AS guy I have met is hating eye contact and being awkward. It's hard to make friends with another AS because its like two rams butting heads together.

Personally I want someone who is expressive, will verbally tell me they care about me, gives good hugs, is somewhat outgoing to get me out of my shell and someone who can succeed in the world enough to make a good living. I think most AS girls want this and I don't see any AS that is possible of giving this. I'd rather have a nerdy NT.

Nothing to do with As that is just a normal female emotion, that just sounds like an old female view of a housewife....


Someone who can succeed in the world enough to make a good living, does that mean you want him to work as you don't?


Good luck finding him, I think your standards are way too high, it is better to be in a some what ok relationship and build on it, than a person that you find hits the nail on the head as down the road the lieing will start to weed out...


And by animal Please tell me what your view is about the male?

Based on my own experiences with AS-AS relationships (platonic and not), I totally agree with your assessment!



It is possible, though difficult, for an AS to give it. The only way that an AS can give it is for that AS to understand his or her own AS weaknesses, and to have actively tried to overcome them. You most likely know, since you made the statement above, that Aspies won't (without having worked on it) verbalize effectively how much they care about you, quite a few Aspies won't give good hugs unless they overcome their touch sensitivity, they aren't outgoing, and many have employment problems. All those things would seem insurmountable for an AS, but it is possible. At least for myself, I have worked extensively on all of these things, and it has taken me well over 15 years to develop the skills I have now. I'm very expressive, I do vocalize how much people mean to me, I love giving bear hugs, and I can maintain conversations (both small talk and more meaningful ones). I do reasonably well in the workplace too. But all of these lessons require an AS to do a considerable amount of pride-swallowing, to accept that he or she makes mistakes and is not always right. This in turn requires that the AS has to let go some of the dogmatic attitude, and accept that there really is something that can be learned around every corner.

Makes me think about my AS friend... even if I can give him all the things like what you are looking for, he and I would no longer butt heads like two rams, he would probably even be happy with me. Would I, however, be happy with him, if he does not reciprocate?

I don't think that's "normal female emotion," I'm a guy and would love it if the person I love would be comforting towards me. Quite a few Aspies have expressed a liking for cuddling and being made to feel safe and warm and comforted, so I think it does have a lot to do with AS, and less to do with male vs. female, or huswifery...

I think it is a bit unfair to imply that Ticker does not want to work. I think she is implying that she doesn't want her boyfriend/husband to not be able to support himself, i.e. leech financially. That is a fair and reasonable expectation on her part.

Ticker's standards are actually quite reasonable. A lot of Aspies complain about how they aren't accepted, how they are mistreated by the "evil NTs", etc. etc., but don't understand that their own attitude will not result in their being liked by their own kind (Aspies). As Ticker said, to her it feels like two rams butting heads, and in my own experience, it really does feel like that. So I ask, how would you resolve the problems in an AS-AS relationship, so that both would be happy? It is very much Aspie-like to try to dominate a situation they are comfortable in, to enhance their sense of security. How would you resolve the inevitable power struggle of AS vs. AS? It would be "easy" to say who is the "right" person in an AS vs. NT situation, but who is "right" in an AS vs. AS situation? At some point, one person is going to have to give, relinquish control, and for the relationship to be truly mutual, both will have to do it. They have to share control, responsibility, etc.. That's part of the compromising that people have to do to make a relationship work in the first place. This compromising should be done, not any lying. Any relationship is going to start "somewhat ok," no relationship is going to be perfect, but all good relationships will allow both people to grow, to "build on it" as you said earlier.

If you have ever made an AS-AS relationship work, then please describe what you and the other person had to do to make it work. It took a lot of bending from the AS norm to make my end of AS-AS relationships work. Because although we Aspies tend to give off Aspieness to other people, Aspieness is actually not what we typically want from other people who are going to be really close to us. Platonic/goodtime friends, maybe. Significant others and very close family, no.

Not talking about it in that context, I am talking about in female context, as they want a partner that is secure, confident, outgoing, know where they are, have a good paying job to support her or the relationship and I am sure there is a lot more she left out


Your applying your view system on everyone... I put a ? on it as I was asking I was not saying...

Last edited by logitechdog on 18 Jan 2007, 3:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Sorry Charlie but I do work. I totally support myself working in the computer field, self sufficient & live alone 2000 miles from the nearest family. BTW I am not looking for a guy. I just see on here and also other AS sites that a lot of AS people, both guys and girls, do not work. I'm saying I find not working unattractive in a mate. I think people should be self sufficient. I find independant people very alluring and attractive. This is just my opinion; everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

I wasn't referring to guys as animals. I refer to all humans as animals because first it is a figure of speech and second humans ARE animals. How about this if you are sensitive to the term animals.... Male Aspies and female Aspies are two entirely different species.

I know we are animals, maybe I asked the question wrong, was trying to ask why you would think a as male - as female would be the same? or nearly...


Reason I do not work is I have a very High Anxiety... that stops me I freeze up the hole point of a interview is communication skills, I don't know what as people you have met but I am what a person who is extroverted would be called shyness & social anxiety..


I want to work but no one is helping me to get over my fear that is stopping me and its long deep term anxiety that is not easy to break... I am waiting on my cognitive phyrapy

It's just like Stinkypuppy says. Maybe I am not so good at explaining it. But AS people are very adamant in their viewpoints, very inflexible, in fact are hardheads and when you put two hardheads together its just like putting the same sides of the magnet together and they repell one another.

If you look at some of Jerry Newport's writings he even expresses how challenging it is to have a relationship with another AS no matter how much you want to make it work.

I have my AS friends but then I also have NT friends. I have to admit the NT people are more exciting to be around. Why? Because AS people have their own small focus on the world, many obsess on one topic that they are very knowledgable and interested in and they often would rather be focusing all their energies on that interest than anything else.

Now I know this is just generalizing because like Stinkypuppy said some AS do try hard to work on these issues they have. But most don't. I try to myself and it has been very difficult to learn how to open up, be more conversational and think what other people might be feeling. It's a constant challenge for me, something I have been working on all my life. My brain never rests. I constantly am analyzing what someone said, some awkward moment from 15 years ago and suddenly will figure out what went wrong with that interaction or why I was misunderstood. This is tiring of course, but its what I have to do to get along in the world a little better. I just find few other AS actively do this. Unless an AS is willing to say to THEMSELVES hey I need to learn how to get along better with others then they are likely going to be unbearable for someone else to be around.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. Believe me I understand. I have high anxiety too. I even suspect the recent heart problem the dr found could be caused by constant anxiety. No one has ever helped me with these issues that are tied to AS either, other than the occasional person that I can talk to or offers good advice or just a good ear to listen. I had a hard time ever leaving home and getting a job but I finally realized I had to. I couldn't stand being dominated by family members any longer and being viewed as a weakling. At that point I didn't have an AS diagnosis. In fact I only got the diagnosis two years ago. I think sometimes its bad for people to know they have AS because they are less likely to work harder if they have an excuse. Really there is no experts yet on helping AS people. You just have to do it yourself, pull yourself up by the bootstraps, suck in your pride and keep going after jobs until you get one.

Speaking of which there was a series of posts complaining about retail jobs. Why any AS would go after retail jobs is beyond me. You need to not be seeking the same jobs other young people are, but instead seek out the more solitary jobs that are Aspie friendly like computer and science related. Go to college, make friends with nutty professors and other nerds, get internships and get a job that way. Just get out of the house! Don't wait for someone to help you. That is highly unlikely to ever happen unless you start helping yourself first. It's like some law of physics; it's just the way things work.

I disclose my point of view on this forum as it is what I believe. People do have a right to their own opinion, of course. However, that does not mean that my point of view is hardfast and not going to change. I change my point of view, given evidence which cannot be explained by my hypotheses... like any good scientist or analytical thinker would. My point of view is continually being refined; see the stickied In love w/ aspie thread in the Adult forum section for a glimpse of this refinement. The evidence which cannot be explained by a "we just want our Aspieness to be accepted by other people" is that, basically, we can dish it out but we can't take it. We want people to accept our Aspie traits, but by far the vast majority of Aspies are unwilling to accept the same Aspie traits in their significant others, close family, true friends. There is a double standard.

Said much better than I ever could. Completely understand and agree.

The way I see it, it takes an incredible amount of work to make an AS-AS relationship work... but if both sides are patient and understanding enough to work it all the way through, the AS-AS relationship could be the most rewarding relationship an Aspie could ever have. Why? Because I tend to believe that nobody can understand the hardships and joys an Aspie goes through, as much as a fellow Aspie can. An NT can bend to your interests, but might have a hard time understanding your Aspieness. An AS can understand your Aspieness, as he or she can identify with you, but will probably have a hard time bending to your interests. (Note: even if you share interests now, at any point of time in the future you might not, and then there's going to be conflict.) Most Aspies have a hard time bending at all; a considerable majority of posts on WP describe how it's the other person who needs to bend, not himself or herself. But it is possible to bend. NTs, on the other hand, will just try to understand your situation, and they can try to approximate it to something they are more familiar with... but nothing can substitute for first-hand experience (actually being Aspie).

I'm not saying that it is your fault, because I believe that it isn't your fault at all. You acknowledge that you have a fear, and that you want help with it. That is a big step forward for you to make, and it's not trivial at all. I commend you for it!

My AS friend also has shyness and social anxiety, but refuses to believe that there is a problem. He even disagrees with his AS diagnosis. I used to have shyness and social anxiety, but have been largely able to overcome them. I'm still very shy around people I don't know, though.