NT wife wanting to learn aspergese....

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FWIW I did not take offense at ShamelessGit's post. He was speaking in past tense. It didn't seem aimed at NTs in the forums, to me, personally.

Both AS and NT have a language of their own sort of, NT are raised to read between the lines of everything, and AS takes things more literally, if I had to boil it down severely.

A lot of NT don't know anything about AS so that in mind it's easy to see where confusion can come in for them trying to 'translate' AS into NT speak.

And of course this post contains some broad generalizations, of necessity (for brevity.)

Agree with what it seems like everyone else is saying. Take things literally, speak literally. No hidden meanings, no subtlety, no BS. We are not people who know how to lie, and when we try, we're pretty bad at it and you can tell right off.

Like everyone else has said... he'll say what he means and he'll mean what he says. I like to think most Aspies don't really have a "filter" by nature.

This moved me to tears. Thank you

Hi everyone,
well now I've been away from the computer for the day and have come back to find there's been a lot of activity.

I would like to say that, like popsicle, I did not take offence at anything that has been said. A couple of months ago I would have done but now I understand that although some comments may sound severe by NT standards, they really just amount to people saying what they mean, nothing more or less.

OH and popsicle, I shall try to reconstruct an example of a misconnection/misunderstanding when I get a moment. As you say, part of the thing about coming to this site is the realisation that I am not alone.

I would also like to mention that my husband knows I am on this forum and supports me in what I'm doing. every so often I run a comment past him to see whether/to what extent he considers it applies to him. I hope people don't mind me doing this but it's very helpful

Np, and many blessings for a lasting relationship!

ok Popsicle, here is an example which has just occurred:

He is currently working away and we have just had a telephone conversation in which I was discussing an event I am attending later today. It is an outdoor event with critical timings relating to catching a boat/parking etc and I was fretting as to the best way of going about it and as I knew this was the sort of thing he would be worrying about if he were attending with me it seemed a good opportunity for discussion/identifying common ground. His suggestion was that I should go as early as possible as it ws better to be there early with my kindle to read than risk arriving late. Given that the weather is a bit suspect I commented that i didn't really want to risk the kindle if it was going to rain.

His reaction was that I had ignored all his good advice and picked at a detail (the kindle) and dismissed it! I suppose I should not have taken the 'good advice' as read, should have given him credit and not allowed myself to 'think out loud' about the Kindle?!

I see it. This is the kind of comment I find annoying too. Of course, one comment is not important, but a close relationship where this stuff happens regularly can be too much.

Where's the problem? Well, what you said, if you put it as a logical sentence, is exactly:

If it rains => The kindle can be damaged

This is quite obvious, so basically, you're telling him 'stupid'.

Of course, what you meant to say was 'the weather forecast said that it could rain', something that he (if he's away) doesn't know. But instead of saying that, what you said was 'i didn't really want to risk the kindle if it was going to rain'. So he probably felt despised, as you were implying that he didn't know that rain could damage an eReader.

Yeap, it's a bit choosy. In spite of people say here, being precise is not that easy

He sounds a little touchy.

Try prefacing anything that could even remotely be perceived as criticism, with "that is a really good idea. I just have this one worry, what do you think..." and then name your concern.

It sounds like he could stand to compromise a lot himself, and it does take two. I mean, that is a lot of eggshell walking to do. Explain to him that it was not meant as criticism. He should try to learn your language, too.

I think he sounds touchy too. If I had a girlfriend who told me that I would have just said something like, "well you can keep the kindle in your bag and find something else to do if it rains," and then I would have forgotten about it.

Yes Greb that's spot on, just the sort of thing he has said in the past - not on this occasion as instead of doing my usual 'that wasn't what I meant because...' and going into the sort of long explanation that just annoys him, I simply let it go. And no, being this precise is far from easy.

As for being touchy as some of you have commented - I did realise that in isolation it would sound that way but we are in a place where he is very sensitive to that sort of thing at the moment, it's not the single comment but the ongoing context.

Thank you once again one and all for your feedback - particularly Greb: hearing you articulate his words reinforces what I have to do, reminds me there is a reason he reacts this way when for so long I coudlnt' understand why an otherwise reasonable person would suddenly 'over-react' - now of course I know he's not over-reacting at all....

sorry, rambling a bit

I'm sure everybody here is doing his best to give advice, even those ones who didn' start in the most polite way.

Well, a thing: there was a study, a couple of years ago, that followed many couples for 10 or 20 years. After all this time they checked which was the common ground among all the couples that survived: it was that they were able to use humour even in those subjects where they didn't agree.

Have some fun together about those little weird moments. It could start a new collection of private jokes and even become some kind of secret connection you both only share. Things as 'hey, remember not to read the Kindle in the shower. It's not good for it'

OK well it's up to you whether the feedback is valuable to you or not. Good luck.

Can't tell you how helpful I find the feedback, Popsicle. Whether it's from someone like you (I think an NT in an AS relationship?) or the AS community itself - all the info and advice goes into the pot as I try to navigate my way forward. So let me say again - THANK YOU