being asexual and trying to find a partner...

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I've been picking my way through this thread and I've found it a little strange. OP clearly feels bad about something he doesn't need to feel bad about.

It reminds me of the couple who go for marriage councilling - the man says "we never have sex" and the woman says "we're always having sex". The councillor asks, "well, how often do you have sex?" and the simultaneous reply is "three times a week!"

It's been likened to eating. Those that eat 'a lot' don't always understand how certain people aren't as hungry as them, and those who don't eat 'as much' don't always understand how certain people aren't so 'greedy'! Then it gets worse: one feels under attack, and tries to convince everyone else that their way is best. There is no best way.

Society seems to favour those with a greater sexual 'appetite', I mean sex sells, right? An awful lot has to do with testosterone, and what negative associations were made with it.

I find sex for me is a very natural drive, and there was little socialisation at all behind it - I find socialisation actually impacts upon it often both in inhibiting and encouraging ways. If anything, the environment I was in discouraged it - thankfully I never listened to anyone at all in my teenage years I find it very enjoyable, though certainly not of as much importance as some seem to place on it - but each to their own. I think a lack of understanding and respect is the main problem with differing sex drives.

I'm asexual, and I've thought that I wanted to find a partner in the past, but now I realize that it's pointless. It would be nearly impossible to find someone who could strongly relate to me and understand me, because I'm too unusual of a person. Having a partner would be a drain on my energy and compromise my freewill and sense of philosophy. Any strong relationship that I could find with a girl would most likely come with more cons than pros. It's a pleasing idea, but in reality it would be terrible for me, even if I was sexual. I've considered trying to create a tulpa as a substitute. That way, things would definitely work in my favor, because their favor would also be my favor. Having a tulpa couldn't go wrong for any self-aware person. Creating a tulpa sounds like a much better idea than trying to find a relationship in real life to me.

Trust me when I say, I couldn't understand you more than I do now. I felt very little attraction to anyone. My own family questioned my sexuality multiple times. Strangely enough, I recently(8 months ago) just fell in love. In one moment, everything I knew just basically went *kerplunk*. I managed to ask her out to the school dance, but she wasn't able to go in the first place, and now I'm at a loss as to what to do. I hope you have better luck if this ever happens to you

Marshall your responses to sexual folk clearly illustrate why you should not try to enter a relationship with a sexual person. For me sex isn't simply about a physical urge, it's not something that can be satisfied with a toy or my fingers. Sex with the right person is very pleasurable, it feels amazing. But it's also an incredibly intimate experience that you share with another person. After good sex with another person, I'm flooded with feel-good hormones. After sex with myself, yes, it feels nice - but there just isn't the same feeling there.

Sex is also about creating and sustaining an emotional bond with my partner. Wanting to please my partner, enjoying his pleasure, enjoying how he feels joy in pleasuring me.

Desiring someone that you're in an emotional romantic relationship with who does not desire you back is a soul-crushing experience. Especially when he entered the relationship not being completely honest with me (and perhaps with himself) about the depth of his sexual problems. How dare you call me shallow or question the pain that I've experienced? When you enter a relationship your own needs are not the only ones to consider. You have your needs, your partners needs and the needs of the partnership itself.

If you're asexual that's fine. But don't enter a relationship to satisfy your loneliness without the ability to satisfy your partner's needs, too. From what you've written you simply don't have it in you to satisfy a woman with a normal range of sexual functioning. That includes reactions from your head, heart and groin.

I don't really understand asexuality. I'm not sure I ever could. But at the same token, I don't think you can have a visceral understanding of what it's like to be a sexual person and the physical and emotional needs that we have.

I wish you the very best of luck in finding emotional satisfaction. No one in this life has it easy. But I think you have a lot of growing up to do before you can be a good partner to someone. But hey, enjoy dating.

Michael Jackson was asexual

You might do best with a woman whose sexuality has been compromised by illness, medication or disability. I am wondering if you were slightly too sexual for the women on the asexual forum (it being a spectrum) and would have better luck with women who have medically blunted or compromised sexuality. They would have no luck with regularly sexual men- since they couldn't have sex with them and that would be a dealbreaker- but also wouldn't identify personally as asexual and so might not post to those forums. I'm not sure how you would find them since that's pretty specific, but they must be out there and equally lonely.

Go to Japan.

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/o ... having-sex

Being romantic and being sexual are different things and I think some people on this thread are getting them confused.

For me, I can like someone romantically - but if you just dropped an attractive naked stranger in front of me I wouldn't feel anything sexual. (I would feel very embarrassed, mind you, but not attracted to him.) I've had very attractive friends (not attractive to me, mind, but the rest of the world is definitely clamoring to have sex with them) have sex right in front of me (I didn't even realize it was going on at first) and never felt a thing, nor was I interested in their invitation to join them.

I can't tell you how many crushes I've had on people in my life - but they always centered around wanting intimacy/closeness with that person. Cuddles, yes. Sex, no. You can be 100% asexual and still feel that way - you just wouldn't be aromantic, which as you can guess is the lack of romantic feelings. (Some people are both aromantic and asexual. Others are very sexual, but not romantic. And, then, of course, most people are both sexual and romantic.)

Since we're doing asexuality 101 right now, I feel I should mention that any orientation that you can have sexually, people can also have romantically. So people can be heteroromantic, biromantic, panromantic, homoromantic, aromantic, etc. Your fun fact for the day.

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