If She's Not Responding....(REASONS)

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Sorry. The few ladies I did take the time to address personally and put time into, did respond positively. Exchange a few messages, get them digits, meet in person. I feel like I do a better job of communicating with people in person. When I write, alot of times I get caught up in what I'm talking about, and go on and on, with out recognizing whether the other party is interested or offended. I have a habit of offending people in emails. In person, I pay attention to their first response, and am better able to tell if they like what I'm talking about, or if they are put off by it.

I also have worked on training myself to ask questions, and listen to other people talk. People really like it when you listen.

Anyways, I met two girls off OKCupid, and generally found their photos were EXTREMELY flattering, and a bit misrepresentative of their true appearance. Also, I found that the women seemed very desperate, and unnaturally attached to idea of LTR before letting it develop naturally. Lastly, the physical chemistry, which is hard to explain, and is more than just beauty and body, but includes smell, taste, physical lust was not good. I ended up feeling really bad that I got these women really excited about me, and then hurt their feelings by not being that into them when I met in person. I don't want to damage people's self esteem or body image if I can avoid it. Rejection sucks.

My approach to profile was simply one photo of myself on a longtail boat in Thailand. I like the photo because I looked kind of adventurous, most people can tell it's somewhere exotic, but not sure where, and I look fairly handsome in it, while kind of lost in thought.

I didn't fill out any of the "about me" s**t. I did do several of the quiz questions about what I like politically, sexually, relationship wise, so that you get those 88% match or whatever.
So girls can see what I look like, get an idea of how my brain works, but leaves a lot to mystery... Also, I think when your profile is super long, it seems like you have no success with ladies in "real life", have "way too much time on your hands", and there must be something wrong with you.

Honestly, I think looks has WAAAAAAY more to do with it, that what the profile says.
I actually would always mention in my first contact, sorry about no profile, not really sure about this whole OKcupid thing. I like your profile and we share a lot of similar interests..... relay a couple of personal experiences that make me seem sympathetic, sensitive, adventurous, and WHY IN PARTICULAR I like them our of the other hundreds of ladies on there..

The shotgun approach seems like a bad idea to me. For one, I don't think it works with women that are actually interesting, desirable, have self esteem. It might works occassionally on girls that are desperate for any male attention.... but SRSLY?, who wants a woman who is so unsure of herself that she will jump on the first dood that says "sup?" to her.... not me.

Oh yeah... I always felt a bit weird about having "myself" online for people to look at and judge. I know a bunch of people have phony accounts just to look and see who all in online and looking for real. I didn't really want people I know in real life judging me... maybe it's stupid, but I feel a bit of shame and embarrassment looking online.

My screenname was Ghostbusters78... photo, did some quizes that's it.

When I would message girls, I would explain my hestiation about public profile in one sentence, being careful to try not to offend them for having a fully fleshed out profile. I would always introduce myself with my real name. I give them my full name and what I do for work within the first couple messages, so they can google me and find my facebook, see if we have mutual friends, etc. I find the photos people tag of others tend to be a more accurate representation of them, them the image they carefully craft of themselves.

Anywho. This method had high "success rate" of generating interest; though I was not happy with the fish I caught.

I'm back to the old fashioned method... it's annoying I can get girls I am attracted to, but they never end up being challenging mentally. Or, I can get get girls who are smart, interesting, cool, but are not "hot" enough for me to feel good about. Both these types of girls end up falling hard, and I end up feeling terrible about leading them on... even though I feel like I am honest about my intentions and not trying to lead them on.
Occasionally, I get attention from girls that are both smart, cool, interesting AND I think are hot.... though this always end up being a situation where they are looking for a temporary physical thing, and I am more FWB or break up fling or something like that.
Any girls that is smart AND sexy has lots of options... while they think I am hot and will be fun in sack, they can tell that there's something not right with me.

Smart girls who are not as hot, don't have as many men chasing them, and are more blinded by the lust of being with a hot guy, that they look past my emotional flaws, and think they can fix me.

Hot girls who are not that smart, are too naive to see the red flags that are obv to smarter women.

It's frustrating. Though the two "real" LTR's I have had both ended terribly, with the women thinking I am a sociopathic monster. Which I'm not. I swear I'm not trying to hurt women, or feel more powerful at their expense.

That tends to happen a lot online. People tend to post photos that are several years old / in a flattering light / from a flattering angle / have been photoshopped /where they're wearing lots of careful makeup. It's unfortunate, but understandable. Nobody wants to be seen as unattractive.

I think we need a new sort of website: "Honest Dating." Users would be required to post photos of themselves showing what they look like in a dim light when they've just rolled out of bed.

I would totally make that website and find it hilarious, but whether anyone would sign up for it is another matter.

WERD. People need to be a bit more honest about their appearance on a scale of one to ten.

Schlubby doods need to realize you are not going to catch a Zoey Decshenel type. And mousy women need to realize they are not going to attract a Johnny Depp. And if you misrepresent your appearance, it's actually going to be MORE painful, because you will be rejected in person, after talking with them for a while, and learning about them, getting emotionally invested in the idea of the relationship.

You need to be honest. If you are a 5, aim for 4-6's. Even if you do manage to pull an 8 or whatever, she is likely to have some sort of issues or self esteem problems. And you will constantly be dealing with more physically attractive men hitting on her, and all kinds of jealousy issues. It will be an unequal relationship, because you will realize she has all kinds of "hotter" options out there, and you will be put in a position where you must do whatever you can to keep her happy AKA being taken advantage of emotionally.

Personally (and I don't mean to offend you) I find that kind of talk irritating. I highly dislike this American habit of rating women out of ten. Attractiveness is subjective. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and all that. Any given individual might be a 5 to some people, but a 0 to others, and maybe even a 10 to others. It is not possible to know what "rating" you are, because how each person rates you will always depend on their own personal tastes and likes in the opposite sex.

I hear what you are saying, and am aware that my comment is kind of offensive... though I think accurate for most part. And I do get that different people are attracted to different body types.

That said, if you are a short, balding guy with bad teeth and a pot belly, your chances with bikini bod types is next to nil.
Unless you are Woody Allen, unbelievably funny, talented, wealthy, famous. If you drive a honda and work in a cube.... yeah not gonna happen.

Same goes for ladies... and honestly I'd say youth and appearances are much more important to men than they are to women. Women are more interested in status, power, wealth, than pure sex appeal....

There was an interesting article in NYT recently, about the glut of 33+ professional, successful, fit, beautiful women in NY, that cannot find dates. Because they are only interested in men that have similar or higher earning potential than themselves. Women that earn $150k-250k, still look for more powerful men. Or when they date men who earn less, there is an imbalance, and men feel threatened, "not manly enough". But the thing is, guys who earn $250k are not neccessarily interested in powerful career women. They are more likely to be interested in the 24 year old ballet dancer or whatev's,

No, what you said was not offensive; just irritating (to me personally). But my opinion is just one. I am sure a lot of people agree with what you said, and would not have found it irritating at all. People are all different, and have different viewpoints and ways of seeing things. That's OK.

Personally I would not turn a man down for being short and balding. I don't always find baldness unattractive (depends on the man) and I am quite short myself. Pot bellies and bad teeth are major turn-offs, but they are things that the person can do something about if he wants to. Go on a diet, floss regularly, and visit the dentist.

Edit: oh, I'm not a "bikini bod type" so I can't speak for those kind of ladies but I expect it's not necessarily a foregone conclusion that a conventionally attractive female will only ever be satisfied with a conventionally attractive man. A bikini babe might not want someone that looks like Ken (Barbie's boyfriend). She might want a balding father figure. Who knows? Like I said, it all depends on the individual.

I do agree with you there.

I happen to be fairly "lucky" physically. Tall, lean, masculine brows and square jaw line, broad shoulders, etc.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Physical_a ... activeness
Go through this list of traits, and I happen to do fairly well... it is what it is.

I had no confidence when I was younger.... not as muscular as Arnold, as handsome as Johnny Depp, my weiner's not as big as John Holmes, as athletic as Jordan, etc. I was kind of rating myself not on scale of 1 to 10, but against scale of 1 to 1,000,000 you know?

Anyways, it took me awhile to figure out that while I am not a model, I am fairly attractive to many women.

I was friends with two girls, that were very into music, reading, travel, and enjoyed their company. The one, Estelle, had a very pretty face, but "Rubenesque" body. Prolly 25-30 lbs heavier that "ideal". I found her fascinating and challenging to talk to. We played chess together, and first game I gave moves away like I normally do, "to make it fair", and she totally kicked my ass. I played her FOR REAL, which I pretty much never do, and we were evenly matched, though if I'm honest she probably won more than I did. This really turned me on.

We went drinking and dancing one night, and Estelle and I danced together and flirted. We went back to girls' apartment and smoked weed and listened to music. Estelle and I went outside to smoke ciggies, and I asked if I could kiss her. NO! I'm not attracted to you at all! We would you think that?
It was very confusing to me, as I thought I was higher on 1-10 scale than she was... Later I met her boyfriend, short, bad posture, weak chin, scrawny; and realized she is attracted to different body type than me..

Anywho, Estelle prolly has put on 100 lbs since then, sooooo kinda glad it didn't go.

I actually am attracted to a bit softer, rounder women. Though I find that I still go for traditionally "hotter" types for LTR. I know this is shallow... and that is pretty vain that I feel like my mate needs to impress other people...

I have read that overweight prostitutes are actually extremely popular. That there are many men who marry trophy wife, barbie doll types, but are actually more physically attracted to more buxom types, and must satisfy their sexual urges, but are ashamed to be with a women who's body type is not societally HOT. People are strange....

Interesting experiences, shadetree. Thanks for posting a detailed follow-up. I'm sure it helps a lot if you're physically attractive - even with women. But I agree with LogicalMolly about attractiveness being subjective, so the whole "shoot for someone around your own range" thing is not straight-forward. Also, you kind of contradicted yourself later when you said looks are less important for women.

Another reason they're single might be that they're just b*****s. Sorry, someone had to say it.

Reason a woman wouldn't respond: You don't have enough money. Or she finds you creepy? Or she's just not into you.

if I was born in a future generation with ubiquitous advanced androids purposed for supplying companionship to people like myself, I would have been spared much existential pain.