Just be yourself..

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Joined: 15 Dec 2010
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03 Nov 2013, 12:58 am

Actually, I think I owe you an apology, Molly. Regardless of my intentions, I ended up being a jerk towards you. Sorry if I have harmed you.

AlexTLF
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03 Nov 2013, 3:44 am

LogicalMolly wrote:

I don't see the point in not being yourself. It's useless pretending to be something you're not. Once you are more involved with somebody, it will become obvious what you really are, and they will then dump you on the basis that your act turned out to be a lie. So you might as well be yourself right from the start.

If being yourself scares away 99.9% of people, so be it. Maybe the remaining elusive 0.1 percent will be attracted to your eccentric ways.

Of course, being autistic there is always the issue of being a bit of a chameleon. I do not consciously put on an act, but I bring out my sociable side to fit in with sociable people, and bring out my quiet side to fit in with quiet people, and bring out my nerdy side to fit in with nerdy people. This may come across as putting on an act, but it isn't. It's just me tapping into different parts of my personality when I am with different sorts of people.

My partner's the Aspergers one and I wouldn't change her for the world and she fit's exactly into your last paragraph, in fact this trait is mentioned in a poem I wrote:

The start, when your heart, from mine, would never part.
A Love that, through time, won’t ever bend or sway.
Being together, my heart felt wish each and every day.
Love like ours comes but once in a lifetime and will remain
Eternally branded in my brain, the thoughts and memories of you.
6 faces, a lady, friend, mentor, mistress, partner, and lover, together in
1 Woman who taught me the meaning of True Love for ever.

I affectionately call her Whizzy - an abbreviation of WYSIWYG i.e. What You See Is What You Get

So, yes, always be yourself anything else could be seen as lies and deceipt.

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Yuzu
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03 Nov 2013, 4:48 am

I can't act. I cannot help but just be myself. But unlike the OP, I don't necessarily like being myself.
People sometimes get confused or offended by my actions.
I always have to question myself if I'm being selfish or not.
The other day a coworker gave me a small bag of Halloween candies. I don't eat candies so I almost refused it but I caught myself being anti-social so I accepted it with a smile and a thank you. I was so proud of myself lol.

leafplant
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03 Nov 2013, 8:10 am

Um people who have co-morbidities such NPD and Bipolar will find this issue even more complex I guess as their sense of self is about as solid as a hydrogen bond.

leafplant
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03 Nov 2013, 8:12 am

Yuzu wrote:

Well done!! ! I keep trying to learn this too. It took me ages to understand that refusing a gift is not helping the other person keep more for themselves but is making them sad instead! haha

I tend to not want to accept any gifts because I don't want people to go to trouble on my behalf - so that's my gift to them. But if they are made to feel good by a virtue of giving to me and I deny them that, then I am not helping them at all! - this is so complicated and I forget it as often as I don't but such is life.

leafplant
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03 Nov 2013, 8:18 am

yellowtamarin wrote:

Well, if you WERE looking for a girl, everything you just said would have charmed the pants off me! Haha! It's these little insights into a person's true personality that I find really important to learn about FAST. I think your ex's advice is sh**, and if he really worded it like that then it could be quite insulting (though I'm guessing he knew you well enough to know that you don't get insulted or offended easily).

Well, hello there, do you come here often? *eyebrow wiggle* :lol:

..

Yeah, my ex knew me well enough to know how I'd take it and I think he genuinely was trying to help in his own crazy way. lol which reminds me the most recent conversation of him suggesting I shouldn't like Americans because they are boring. So I said that I don't want the English either, my life has been plenty interesting enough that way thankyouverymuch haha..um.. I think he actually may have got a bit annoyed at that tbh

Codyrules37
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03 Nov 2013, 8:30 am

just be yourself unless you're an actor or spy

leafplant
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03 Nov 2013, 8:57 am

why are actors or spies not allowed to be themselves? Do you think them being themselves involves pretending to be other people?

LogicalMolly
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03 Nov 2013, 12:27 pm

MCalavera wrote:

Actually, I think I owe you an apology, Molly. Regardless of my intentions, I ended up being a jerk towards you. Sorry if I have harmed you.

That's OK, MCalavera. You did upset me by calling me a sociopath but I understand it was a misunderstanding. Do not worry. I make mistakes, too. Lots of them.

Thank you for apologising.

Stalk
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03 Nov 2013, 12:29 pm

leafplant wrote:

why are actors or spies not allowed to be themselves? Do you think them being themselves involves pretending to be other people?

what about double agents?

LogicalMolly
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03 Nov 2013, 12:35 pm

Stalk wrote:

leafplant wrote:

why are actors or spies not allowed to be themselves? Do you think them being themselves involves pretending to be other people?

what about double agents?

That's different, though. They are doing it as a line of work. Actors pretend to be other people in order to provide us with entertainment and escapism, and spies do it in order to make our countries allegedly more safe and secure. Out of working hours, they drop the pretending, so I don't think that sort of pretending really counts.

Toy_Soldier
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03 Nov 2013, 11:22 pm

I think acting, or at least modifying one's interactions is a normal and necessary social skill. One has to be able to blend in with their surroundings and adjust their behavior to communicate effectively.

Self awareness and self value are important, but it has to be balanced with awareness and value of others. At least if you wish to live in cooperation with others. I would guess any human, being imperfect as a given, would have:

some things they can not change
some things they can compromise on
some things they can change

I think if you predetermine one path only (ie. my way or the highway, I'll do whatever you want, etc) virtually ensures social dysfunction.

Alternative
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04 Nov 2013, 9:41 am

It was only recently that I went on my first ever dates with someone, and I pretty much acted the way I do when making friends as well. Just being myself.

I can't be responsible for what happened, IE, she binned me off, because you can't force someone to like you in that way. They either will, or won't. It's their choice. Forcing it would be loveless, and letting it slide (which she has done) might lead to regret.

By being myself, I always put 100% effort into socialising etc. Whether I get the desired results or not...

I often compare how my honesty is mistaken for modesty by Pool skills. I say I'm rubbish at the game, to their response being "You're just saying that" until they actually see me play.

Same thing with my personality and my attempt at a date with this girl. I subtlety and humorously warned her, to which she responded "I'm sure you're not that bad", then low and behold, it's all over and she's gone off with someone else.

Her loss I guess.

I strongly agree with CharityFunDay's post as well.

leafplant
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04 Nov 2013, 12:10 pm

Alternative wrote:

Same thing with my personality and my attempt at a date with this girl. I subtlety and humorously warned her, to which she responded "I'm sure you're not that bad", then low and behold, it's all over and she's gone off with someone else.

Her loss I guess.

I strongly agree with CharityFunDay's post as well.

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you Alternative. Are there any aspects of your outward personality that you feel you would be able to change so as to increase your chances of having a relationship?

Also, maybe you just weren't compatible with this particular person?

Alternative
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04 Nov 2013, 12:25 pm

leafplant wrote:

It's ok. I don't think so, it was probably a compatibility issue. It just hurt because I thought we both agreed it was going somewhere, and to cut it short through brutal honesty, was better than stringing me along. Every cloud as they say...and other cliches. :wink:

Glowz44
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05 Nov 2013, 7:07 pm

Alternative make sure you keep putting yourself out there. If you keep trying and not fretting and being yourself a women might want to try the next level. I'm at the stage at the moment where i am getting only a bit of a snog and that's it. But i am determined to get there and i believe it will happen.

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