NT Engaged To An Aspie

Post Reply New Topic

@ Heidilea, I will have to check that book out!! Thank you!! Yeah, some people cant handle hospital situations period. My fiancé says he will be ok but we wont know for sure until it happens, lol! My fiancé does not like strangers touching him or close to him. Only me. I am fine if its in a crowd and people cant help but bump into you but if they have room to move away, I get upset when they touch me. Yours has vomited?? Yikes! Poor guy! I hope he has never passed out, lol!

@Autism Us--He has passed out. Turned dead white and gone! It was pretty awful that time.

Jim does not like people touching him--sometimes he doesn't even want me touching him (usually only in public, but there's bee a couple times at home that he gets all rigid and groany). I've been with him long enough that in some ways, I've absorbed some traits. Like, if a friend or family member hugs me outside the context of a greeting, I get all like "whoooaa, what are you doing!?"

I hope you have not been witness to a meltdown. I have not seen any since the diagnosis (Julyish), but there were at least 6 that I can think of in the previous 9 years, most of them illness/medical/hospital related, some of them happened after large purchases, some on trips away from home where no other family was present. The last one, he got all anxious and yelling at me about something that had happened hours before. He would walk up to me like he wanted me to hold him, so I'd oblige, but he would stiffen like a board like he didn't want me touching him.

I didn't learn until recently that he plans his day in bed, right down to what most efficient route he will take through the house. When he gets obsessed with something, he sleeps, breathes, and eats it (and badgers me with a thousand questions related to buying things for it). Most obsessions last about 3 months, though some are cyclical and return after a year or so. He can be obnoxious during one, and sometimes it gets lonely.

It's gotten better since I've been learning about AS. The diagnosis was like someone handing me a map to him--after several years of baffling behavior. Like, sometimes he could be seemingly downright mean and heartless with the things he said or did, but at the same time, he didn't seem malicious with it. In other words--he was always consistent with the things he was "mean" about. Also, he'd say something really unfeeling to me, then go "Why are you crying?"

The empathy factor is low. He doesn't understand why people care about emotions, because to him, they are "like the blank pages in a book--everyone has them but no one cares." He does not understand that most people do not think like him. If you tell him that, he says then those people are "stupid." That can get frustrating when we have a discussion about the different things people find important; if he doesn't think it's important, then no one should. If I am having an issue with something, I have to tell him "I know you don't care, but I need to talk about this and I need you to listen and give me a hug." Recently, I found out a good friend of mine has stolen from our group and had lied about himself. When I told Jim, I had expected the usual reaction, but this time he understood why I was upset. I think this is because AS types tend to be pretty honest and/or incapable of lying or lying well, and sometimes can't tell if someone's trying to snow them.

On the plus side, he's very high functioning and grew up in a house where his parents showered him with love, support, and affection, so he doesn't have a lot of the esteem issues that other Aspies seem to have. He's an extremely dedicated researcher with everything! If I want to know what the best product for whatever is, I let him look it up for me. This has also spilled over into what he does for a living, analyzing companies for maximum output. He, like other aspies, can see patterns that NTs can't.

Also--I've read this and have also noticed in real life that NT women with AS men tend to be independent but loving, nuturing types. I think that describes me--you?

@ Heidilea, oh my gosh, lol! Mine is the same with researching! I asked him to look up the cost of a steam carpet cleaner and not only did he get the average costs, he got the ratings, brands, how to set it up, what cleaners are best to use and what was for sale in our area via Craigslist and various stores. He will read everything to me as well and me being me, will usually tune out after a couple of minutes, but he will keep explaining. I haven't seen any major meltdowns with Joel, but if we argue and I am very upset, he actually won't argue and will shut down and go upstairs or walk away from me. I am used to having to fight for myself due to my previous relationship so this was all new to me. When he shuts down, he shuts down for a while and is completely quiet. I have learned to leave him a lone for a while and then try and talk it out later.

That's interesting he maps out his day while in bed, lol! Aspies tend to be very thorough. If I want to know where something is, then he jumps on it, has mapped out all available routes, which one is quickest, what gas stations are nearby, etc. etc. I admit, I am more spontaneous. If we go somewhere and I don't have the address or know exactly how to get there, I can see the anxiety in him, lol! I usually look it up on my phone while in the car. Joel, so far, is obsessed with computers and radios. He loves old computers, getting them, fixing them, etc. He gets his "nerd time" in (this is what I call it) almost everyday and if he doesn't, I think he gets a little cranky. But if I ask he will spend time with me. He likes to watch movies sometimes or just talk about things.


The empathy side is true too. He sometimes cant understand why I am reacting the way I do and so I explain it to him. He does really well overall and I try to explain things anyway. I am to the point more often than not. I have learned to be this way since he doesn't do well with picking up on subtle hints. Honesty is huge! Mine cannot lie. He also is very gullible, so then I step in. My personality is very protective of my loved ones, especially him. I am not afraid to say what I feel or call anyone out. He, on the other hand, is very conservative and non confrontational. I believe we balance each other out pretty well. Mine grew up with a loving mother, but a not so loving tyrant father who wasn't in the picture most of the time. Another empathy thing is when his mother and sister passed away, he was sad a little but got over it and he absolutely loved them. He just lacks the emotions that we would normally go through. Doesn't mean he didn't love them, that's just how his brain is wired. He just proof read this response, lol!

I am very independent and nurturing. I love him so much and I love how he loves me back. Does yours have any weird eating habits? Mine is such a loud chewer, lol! You know when you have a runny nose you will suck the not back up in the nasal cavities but it usually doesn't make a big sound, mine does this and its so loud! I try to tell him not to do this around other people (coworkers) but I think he does it without thinking about it.

so my fiance and I are supposed to be getting married in less than a month. I love him so much i can't even explain it. However, he was just dx with aspergers because I spotted it and got him to a specialist to be Dx. I probably said some of this already on here. I am feeling so torn right now because i know with my brain that he is grieving and desperately needs depression meds (ongoing depression, not aspie related). here are a few of the issues we seem to fight about constantly.

1. He says I don't listen and/or I put words in his mouth. What i do is make connections between the things he says and I do not repeat what he said verbatim. If I explain what I heard and it doesn't match what he said exactly then I wasn't listening. Also, his opinion IS truth. It doesn't matter if he has any factual data, he is right and if he believes it it is the truth. this leads him to saying things like "that (the thought/opinion I just expressed) is ridiculously pathetic." When I try to explain that it is hurtful to say that he says that it is the truth and so it doesn't matter if it upsets me.

2. He says regularly that he doesn't care what I think or feel and tells me to shut my mouth and "stop talking!" at the top of his lungs. Once he has made up his mind that he thinks he knows what I am going to say he determines if it is worth listening to the rest of what i have to say. me asserting that he is wrong in what he thought i was going to say is met with the "shut your mouth!"

3. because i do not abhor white lies and express that i don't think they are evil, i like to lie, in his mind. it doesn't matter that it isn't true.

4. he doesn't like other people. he will say violent things about wishing the whole world would blow up and that other people are disgusting and pathetic.

5. he has no respect for my physical boundaries. if i ask him to stop touching my breast randomly when we watch tv it is as if he cannot stop it or is deliberately trying to aggravate me. he then gets angry with me if i become angry with him for not stopping.

6. did i mention he hates everyone? he says such hateful bigoted things sometimes. he speaks in hyperbole. it can't be that one person is stupid, it is they are all stupid and have always been and always will be. facts and actually what is happening in front of him do not matter.

7. good things don't matter. in his estimation, there are so many bad things in the world that the good done/experienced in the world is worth NOTHING and actually insulting to listen to people mention. He actually gets insulting, saying we are simple/shortsighted/pathetic for not knowing about the way the world really is.

his problems with me are mostly (based on the things he says):

1. i don't listen. ever. at all. for any reason. (his words)
2. I only think of myself EVER
3. I constantly tell him he is bad or broken and i just want to change him into someone else.

I am sure if he wrote this he would have way more to add than that but i don't want to say so if i can't remember him recently saying them.

most of this started when we moved in together and prior to that he was never so mean. it was like now that i was apart of his private sphere (home) he no longer edits himself at all. he says he doesn't ever edit himself here or otherwise but seeing him around his family? they probably have no idea of the things he says. why am i here after all of this? because until now, i have believed with everything in me that he didn't realize how hurtful he was being and so it didn't hurt as much i guess? But since seeing the counselor/being dx, he has said he does not care about the fact that my feelings have been hurt at least a dozen times. he seems to agree with the dx but then says he doesn't care what the counselor says, it is just another label someone trying to put on him. i get that it may not be automatic for him, knowing the types of things that may upset people BUT if i have said to him that it is hurtful and to please not do it and he still does it? what is that? today he said that people have wanted to him to change and/or act differently his whole life and he doesn't do it for anybody ever. well, i don't know how to get him to see that i actually do just want him to be happier. i mean, yes, it would benefit me if he were happier but i do not suggest he go to therapy because i just want him to be nicer. my hope is that he can find other aspie's to talk to, people who won't feel so much of an outsider with, maybe? that maybe he can stop hating himself once he realizes it isn't just him being evil or bad or whatever but that his differences that have given him trouble with people are because of the aspergers and that there are ways to "get along better" in the world

he actually got mad when i said that to him, that i wanted him to get along better in the world. because he swears up and down that he doesn't like people and doesn't need them and all of that but in reality, i've seen him be lonely and heart broken over another social rejection, over a family rejection, when he is trying to connect. i know that it is a defense mechanism but i don't know what to do with it?

he asked me if he was exactly like he is today forever could i be happy with him and the answer i didn't give him is that i don't think so. he is verbally abusive and continues to tell me he isn't going to try to change/grow into hopefully someone happier, that my thoughts/feelings don't matter on the subject...

but then he says he is only going to the aspie specialist because i said i would leave if he didn't. i actually said that if he stopped trying to improve his general anxiety and anger issues. if he thinks these things that he says about me why the heck would he want me to be around?! that is the confusing part, all of the things he says adds up (at least to me) that he doesn't respect me, trust me, or even like me very much. i don't know how else to tell him that i love him because of the big heart he hides away and that the only change i want for him is for him to have a chance to become the person he wants to be. he doesn't notice all of the things i do to express my love and concern for him, taking care of him and all of that...

he has women issues because his ex wife cheated and broke is heart, i get that. i try to ignore the comments about women being less than men, all liars, and manipulators.

i am just starting to feel like this is a lost cause? i mean, i love him so effing much but...he literally shouts at me that he doesn't want to improve his life, get along better ot anything. also that he refuses to even try changing the words he says in attempts to be less hurtful. is this all the grief/shock/denial of the diagnosis? i know i have rambled on and on and on but i am so sad and frustrated right now. i mean, i truly believed that he wasnt trying to be mean but now, it seems like the only answer is that he IS trying to? But then will scream that he isn't mean at all.

i don't know what to do. i want to marry him and have him with me but no, i won't be happy if he doesn't at least TRY to meet in the middle or stop referring to me using insulting language. he says my words are fairy tale made up language (colloquialism) and he says real words. it doesn't matter that it is actually true that other people can understand the things I say because we are all pathetic and using made up words.

i have no idea where to go from here. i have known for a long time that it isnt easy and he can be gruff but im really not sure anymore.

hopefully someone read all of this and can offer some insight to maybe what he is going thru or some advice/personal experience? I mean, i know he has a trauma history, just like i do, but at least some of it is aspie related, and i guess i need help with that.

thanks for reading.

@ Themaggie, I feel for you as I have been there. I think he has many underlying issues aside from Asperger's. Nobody should ever have to go through what you are going through. My ex husband was the exact same way to me, except he wasn't Autistic in any way. He is depressed, hates the world and blamed me and women for all of his problems. He was abusive both physically and mentally. I married him anyway and it took 10 years, and a child later, to leave him. Nothing made this guy happy. I had to learn that only he can make choices to improve his life and happiness. Needless to say, he still is miserable because he wont take responsibility for his actions, and probably never will. Its not fair to you to have to endure this. I thought I loved my ex too, but I don't anymore. After so long, you get pissed off and realize you are worth so much more. He promised to get counseling as I left him and told him I wouldn't come back until he did. He started tog o but then when we got back together, he stopped and became worse. I left him for good two years ago and am back to being me. It was like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. My son has improved as well.

Asperger's can complicate things in certain ways but by no means does it include being so violent and hateful. It is up to you if you want to stay in this relationship, just know he will probably never change. He obviously doesn't feel he is doing anything wrong and that's a huge problem. You may want to put a hidden camera up and film the way he acts and play it for his counselor or even him and see if he can realize how truly hurtful and demeaning he is. He may just brush it off or it may wake him up but its hard to say. If I were you, given my experience, I would leave him. I know its hard when you love someone but by no means does anyone deserve to be treated how you have been treated. Its not a healthy relationship. We think my ex is narcissistic as he fits many of the traits. I am worried for you and your well being.

TheMaggie, I've had some similar issues with my spouse. I used to take offense until I learned about AS--most of the stuff they do, in their mind, they are not being mean--they are being honest. They don't want to be bothered. Once I learned that, I stopped being angry at him. (Annoyed sometimes, yes, because sometimes we needed to talk about things NOW, but that doesn't happen frequently).

Answer to 1--I have encountered this with my spouse--logical, logical, logical, it's like living with a vulcan. But, if he does not acknowledge that he is hurting your feelings then you have a big problem. At least mine apologizes.

@2-I've addressed this in the first paragraph, but he seems harsher than most.

@3-I got nothing. I've just learned not to give a white lie if I am sure he will catch it. To other people, he doesn't mind, especially if the lie means we don't have to interact with them.

@4--Okay, this is not cool. My spouse dislikes most of my family, and tells me so, but he doesn't wish ill.

@5--I have issues with the boob touch while doing dishes, but he doesn't get angry if I get annoyed. I tell him I'm doing dishes to go away, he can touch boob later.

@6--Spouse does this with fat people. Since most of the women in my family are fat, they are targets. Sometimes, if a friend of mine is somewhat overweight, he gets really irritated about them and their prescense and they are awful. However, I was overweight when we married, and when I asked him if he loved me a few weeks back he said "I married you when you were fat!"

@7--why are you marrying this guy again? Though, I do understand how you are feeling. Before the diagnosis (which he scoffs at, but it's fine, because he's very high functioning and so far I've been getting along by just reacting to him differently), I felt lost. Like, I loved this guy and he wasn't bad, but I didn't feel loved. I felt like there was something missing, like a limb, but I couldn't put my finger on it. He sounded mean and selfish, but wasn't mean at the same time (certainly selfish). I was considering opening a separate account and putting money in it so I could leave him. Then, AS. The diagnosis saved my marriage. It was like someone had handed me a map to him.

This is not to say there are not issues. This morning, I made pancakes, and he looked in the pan, and it had butter in it, like I always ALWAYS do it. He said there was too much. If I had continued to cook he would not eat them, so I threw them out. Rinse, repeat, still too much butter. Rinse repeat. I made him oil the pan. He was happy. I am still irritated, but I told him I like cooking for him, but not when he gets irritated over stuff I've done for ages that he never noticed before. Then he countered with the "bad beans" I made some weeks ago (from a recipe he chose), and I knew I didn't get through to him. I gave up this time. Sometimes when I shut down, he notices, too.

Anyway, this isn't about me--it's about you.

If you marry him this month, it will not get better. I was already married when I found this out, but I was in good enough health and invested enough to see if I could make it work. So far, so good. You have your own health to worry about. Divorce is more expensive than cancelling a wedding. Regardless, you need to open a dialogue with him. Tell him you are serious. If he still scoffs at you, end it. Life is both too short and too long for this.

@Autismus--I don't think he has any weird eating habits, but, he is extremely sensitive to different tastes. Like, I cannot substitute or leave out an ingredient without him noticing, even if it's a very small amount.

When my Father in Law died 7 years ago, he didn't cry. He wrapped himself in blankets and whimpered for a night and then went back to normal as if nothing had happened. Though, for a long time he didn't want to go near the places his father liked to go. His father adored him and when he died, my spouse lost him number 1 fan.

My own trauma--my BIL was murdered 3 years ago, just before we got married. He didn't seem to understand why I was upset, but didn't say anything until over a month later when I had a freak out and told him I didn't know what to do. His advice was to analyze how much it affected me on a daily basis--logically, it didn't, so I should be okay. I took the advice because I had nothing else better to do, but I should have been tipped off then (I seriously knew almost nothing about AS then--when a friend around that time told me about her spouse having AS, I thought "I didn't know they had relationships." Jokes on me!)

And Mr. Sensitive is bothered by my typing. He says I've been doing it for an hour!

@ Heidilea, my fiancé was the same way when his mother and sister passed away. He was sad but was back to normal soon after. That's just how they work. They can cut the emotion out of certain situations so easily. I am the same way though not as good at it as he is. I used to be an EMT and you have to learn to block certain emotions to cope with certain situations.

Mine will eat just about anything. I credit his mom for this as he had to eat what was served. He will make these weird mixtures of things that gross me out. He loves, loves loves onions and I cant stand them, lol! I am more of a picky eater but the dishes he comes up with scare me. He has never said anything about my cooking. He has his preferences on how he likes things prepared but I think he is just grateful to have someone cook a decent meal for him on a regular basis. He is a loud eater though and I ask me if he eats this way at work, lol!

He has never called me a mean name or said anything hateful to me. He can be very honest and direct about things as you both described. He is more polite but he struggles everyday at work not to join in with guys because he afraid he will say something and it be taken the wrong way. He does make me laugh with his sarcasm. Sometimes his comments are ill timed and can be too sarcastic. He is learning though, slowly. He wont yell at me either, in fact he doesn't raise his voice. I don't even know if he is physically capable, lol!

We have our last joint appointment with the aspie specialist this week then he will see her independently. The fiance and I both had horrible childhoods and I know that he needs help and am grateful he is going to go. I will have to see how long it lasts I guess. I'm hoping that since this therapist works with adult aspires maybe she can reach him. I've made an agreement with myself to make no rash decisions before we meet with the lady Friday.

@ themaggie, You do what you feel is best. I just want you to be aware that he may never change unless he truly wants to. Please keep us posted! I hope it does work out for you in some way or another. Even with horrible childhoods, one can overcome it with the right help. I am here anytime you need to talk or vent.

@autismus I am a big fan of therapy because without it I would have been dead a long time ago... but the fiance doesn't think it can help him at all but will go "so you don't leave." I guess what makes this suddenly more dire to me are the statements he has made recently about not caring.


I'll keep you all posted, thanks for listening

That's good! I am glad it has helped you. Hopefully your fiancé will get the help he needs from it.