Here we go again . . .

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He's frightened his ex is hiding under the bed you're lying on?

This.

People pretend to be innocent. It doesn't mean they are. Even him.

Ok. You guys are thinking "normal." I'll be more direct. When we are in person, in private, he's as hard as a rock as soon as the door closes. That is to say, as soon as he kicks it shut. Clothes are off in less than a minute, and it's all X-rated from there, until he has to go. If we talk at all, it is either about sex or about work. "Hassling" never enters the picture. Hope that clears it up.

He sounds like an arse. I'd dump him if I were you.

Last edited by Bustduster on 04 Dec 2013, 9:41 am, edited 2 times in total.

Oh, Katie. When it comes to the "relationship" you've been describing here for so long, I am well aware it is not "normal". At least, your interpretation of what's going on isn't. I'm not doubting that he can get it up. What I'm saying is that it is more convenient for him to get it up with you on a screen so he can switch you off when he's done. That's less easy to do when you meet up. You seemed to be wondering why he was less keen to meet in person than he is to Skype. I'm offering a possible explanation.

And, btw, on previous threads about this guy, you have mentioned hassling him because your meetings didn't meet your expectations.

You believe the excuses he makes up when he "has to go".

Pursuing this person against his wishes is basically abuse. That is what YOU are doing to HIM.

Yep!

Interestingly, this kind of scenario is not infrequently brought to this forum by women who, rightly or wrongly, believe the man has Asperger's, and as such apparently can't possibly know his own mind. Specially if that mind is expressing the thought, "Get away from me, and stay away from me!"

Oh please. Not one of those situations. Nor does he have the ability to tell plausible lies. He's a 47-year-old divorced father of two with an impossibly busy work schedule. So we arrange things a few days in advance. Yesterday I was slotted between a parent-teacher meeting and a conference call. I know his whole work schedule for the week/month, and when he'll have the kids. Between work, kids, and getting enough sleep, he rarely even has time to go to the gym, which has always been the foundation of his routine. (I believe it . . . it kinda shows). Even if he had the time or energy for other women . . . I mean really, who else would put up with him? Fidelity is the least of my concerns.

He's unable to even lie? Wow.

How do you know his whole work schedule?

I'm glad you're keeping your chin up, mate.

That would make me a bit paranoid...

Me too, but what I was getting at was this - does katie take his word for it when he says he's busy?

No. It's a meltdown thing. He said this under pressure, only after I pressed for an explanation and let him know how I felt about it, which I agree I should not have done. Please note that I apologized to him for that. I got his cancel-text that morning and almost did not respond at all, which would have been the right answer. Lesson learned.

Also: a couple weeks after a very similar meltdown in August, he asked to Skype, apologized for "panicking," and felt guilty for hurting me. He's made declarations like this several times over the last few years, only after a specific trigger: when we're supposed to meet, he panics, gets cold feet, and cancels on me, and I try to get him to talk to me. To reason with him and calm him down. I have learned that is the WRONG approach, because that's the trigger.

He may mean it in the moment, but it never lasts. I really think he just wants me to go away and leave him alone for a while - nothing permanent. He's an extreme person, fresh out of an extreme, abusive marriage, and expresses his feelings in extreme terms.

Because then, a few weeks pass, I text to say hi or he asks if he can see me, and things go well for a while. During that time, I am always careful to follow his lead, let him initiate (which he does a lot), and NEVER push him to do anything. On the contrary, I try to step things down or offer an out, when I think he may be overestimating himself. Lather, rinse, repeat, 5 or 6 times now.

I mean, who's abusing who? Isn't the emotional whiplash he inflicts on me abusive? At best, I'd call it even. This time, we'd been having a grand time for a few months, had a birthday thing planned - and then again, he suddenly, inexplicably canceled on me. I just wanted to know why, and felt it was very rude that he wouldn't even talk to me for a few minutes. Stupid. I knew why, and know better than to take it personally. I haven't contacted him since, and don't intend to. The next move is his.

Fair?

I'm not suggesting you give up on him. From your responses thus far it is clear that you are not. However, I would suggest that you not assume that his unwillingness to meet is solely due to issues related to being on the autism spectrum.

Do you think you can approach him solely as if you take what he says and offers at face value?

What I mean is, if he says he wants you just for sex, simply believe him. If you schedule and he cancels on you treat it like he's just a typical booty call that flaked out on you. Like just say ok, when you make up for it you owe me an extra orgasm or some other sex or kink related thing you like.

Then do NOT try to reschedule. No matter what hints he drops wait until it is 100% clear that he wants to reschedule. Then meet up.

Also, it might help if you refrain from Skype sex until you get your meet-up. Use your saved Skypes of him to get you through it.

Having read through this crap again my thoughts are as follows:

Get on with it. Don't involve us.

Oh, and go away.

Sorry to be very harsh and all.