Why do men never pay attention to what is said? (sarcasm)

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Video-recording a real conversation with your date would be the only way to assess what the problem might be, otherwise it's all speculative.

Exactly my point. If you have contradictory evidence, it might be helpful to actually produce it.:shrug:

Last edited by MjrMajorMajor on 29 Jan 2014, 6:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

There is no need. This particular conversation, that prompted me to post the thread, happened entirely in writing. It was someone I started chatting to on OKC unexpectedly and the first thing was that they missed a message from me and kept asking me the same thing I answered already. Then they noticed their mistake and apologised. Then the next thing is that they asked me for my name when I already said what it was. I repeated it without making a big deal about it and then they messaged with another apology saying they missed it the first time around. Then the third thing that happened was that I said I moved to B from A x number of years ago and my mother lives in C. Then they asked me how long I've lived in C and when did I move there. That's when I stopped responding. I mean, I would understand if it were a verbal conversation, it's easy to miss things, but when you have it written down and you still respond as if you didn't hear it right, then that's just too messed up for me.

I don't think I am in the wrong here at all, I think the other party just was not interested and it was difficult for them to keep maintaining conversation about things they didn't care about (i.e. me and my life) but they couldn't bring themselves to say so explicitly.

I am really sorry but that doesn't make sense to me. I am sure it seems obvious to you but it really isn't to me.

It sounds like a TOM issue. Consider the listener in the OP reflecting the same statement back to you.

What is TOM?

And I don't understand what you mean about reflecting the same issue? I paid attention to everything they said and commented each time. They had absolutely no cause to complain about my lack of attention as I was paying very close attention to what they were saying. I always do.

Theory of Mind. Many people aren't going to hold that attention to detail in as high of regard, especially if they don't know you well (ie a potential date).

Did you initiate the online conversation? If he was apologizing for his omissions, maybe ask to continue the convo when he might be less distracted?

The thing is, according to NT-rules, it is a sign of partnership that normally BOTH persons are interested and enjoying conversations with the opposite. I do understand how you feel about it, for me its the same, but actually listening to my partner (who is male, so its not about girly stuff but NTily stuff ^^) about crap that happened at work, what xyz said to him, why he feels mad or weird about something (so its not typical womanstuff but NT stuff to do so) is not something I do out of personal interest, or because of me being interested that he talks to me...

But simply because I am interested in him feeling well, and for NTs talking to their partner causes that. ^^

To someone you just met, and that simply does not know, that you dont work 100% NT like, not engaging in talking to the opposite, means "not being interested in the opposite" instead of "not being interested in the topic".

My partner in general knows, that for me its not being intersted in the topic, but because of it being such a common NT-treat, it still happens to him that he starts doing conversations with me, about stuff that does not interest me, simply to have conversation with me, because of him liking to do conversation with me, and for NTs that both want to have an conversation, the topic is of less matter. If I am actually tired or whatever I tell him, that right now I cant focus on it, but just as I want my partner to respect my treats in an certain amount, I think I should as well expect from me to respect my partners treat in an certain amount.

Edit: I think in that answer, lies as well the answer to the threadstarter. So while I AM interesting in comforting my partner when he does his social chitchat, I am not specifically interested in the topic of what he is talking about. So the following example with the fruitstaff is for me just like my partner talking about his coworkers. He has mentioned them now for several times, but because of me not really being interested in his coworkers, but simply in my partner feeling well when talking about it, I could not tell you even one single name of his coworkers. XD

So I think the answer is: Because NTs dont gossip to each other to actually receive necessary information, but simply to gossip to each other. So listening to details is of not matter. XD

Last edited by Schneekugel on 29 Jan 2014, 8:21 am, edited 1 time in total.

Thank you for explaining that. Now it's much clearer to me what you were referring to earlier although I am surprised that the TOM suggests that paying attention to detail when you are getting to know someone is less likely than if you already know them as I would assume it would be the other way around.



I can't remember. I think I liked his profile and then he sent me a message. I wasn't looking to meet people initially but I ended up having couple of interesting conversations anyway. As for this chap, I am just not sure it's worth bothering with. I am not very enthused about continuing to get to know him after all this, as I don't think I would get much out of our association.

That's because a lot of guys message too many women on okc hoping to get a date with one, so eventually they lose track of everything. lol

I have noticed this in some of the conversations I've had through OKC. What it makes me think is that the person I'm "talking" to has multiple correspondents and can't keep them straight.

But then I remember thinking for years that my ex-husband never listened to a damned word I said, or else he had the absolutely most pathetic memory in the world. What it came down to was that he simply couldn't be bothered to listen. Period. He decided one day that he wanted to make a recipe that was one of my specialties. At the beginning, I offered to write it down for him, and he declined. Instead, he started fixing it and kept bombarding me with questions so that I couldn't just leave the kitchen and go about my business. I would tell him 3 or 4 steps in advance so I could maybe go off and get some of my other chores done (the reason he volunteered to make dinner was to "help" me), but then after one step, he'd be hollering for the next instruction.

To top it all off, at least 50% of whatever I told him, HE DID THE EXACT OPPOSITE. Why did he bother to ask if he wasn't going to pay any heed to what I said? I honestly believe that it was such a habit for him to dismiss everything I said that he was constitutionally incapable of listening.

My late fiance, OTOH, was one of the few men I've known who listened to every word I said, and could (sometimes to my chagrin) recite everything I'd ever said right back to me. Of course, I was capable of doing that with him, too.

That's actually very helpful, thank you!

i only pay attention to people who make sense.

My ex definitely fits this category. I don't even have to guess because he frequently told me he wasn't interested in anything I had to say about anything.

The day I talk about any of those things, please shoot me.

In fact, I've been running into the exact opposite problem on OKC. I want to talk about cars and motorcycles and backyard ballistics and space travel, but all the men seem to want to talk about, for f*ck's sake, TV shows and COOKING.

Instead of the other way around, perhaps?

You've responded to our opinions as if only your opinions matter at all, and with open hostility as well.