Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

Real vs self proclaimed "nice guys"

Page 3 of 4 [ 62 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

Eureka13
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Nov 2013
Age: 68
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,058
Location: The wilds of Colorado

01 Mar 2014, 10:21 am

leafplant wrote:
But blaming others, even if it is their fault, takes away power from you and gives it to them. And then you are a victim. In every situation in life, no matter what it is, there is a simple choice:

a) am I part of the problem
or
b) am I part of the solution

The actual problem isn't being a nice guy, it's being autistic and expecting that your pre-learned set of behaviours will generate a desired outcome in every situation. Life is not a video game. Rules get changed all the time and nobody actually knows what they are. Actually, most of the times there are no rules, and in dating especially, you have to navigate your way around as if you were negotiating an unknown mine field. Autistic guys in particular are completely disadvantaged in this arena because they lack the ability to interpret social cues intuitively and on the fly but instead rely on a script - like what you are doing..

"so, I have read that women like a, b and C, so yes, I am doing all of those, why is it not working?'

It's like a a man in a wheelchair stuck at the bottom of the stairs, saying to himself, I am giving it full power, why am I not going up?

So, you have to accept your shortcomings and do your best to compensate for them but also realise that even your utmost best may actually never be good enough and find a way to be ok with that. Because it's not about getting laid, in life, it's about how you forge your character on the way from the cradle to the grave.


So very true.



aspiemike
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jul 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,302
Location: Canada

01 Mar 2014, 10:26 am

I've been reading through this thread and I know from my experience with people; and from some opinions I've read on the net I can relate to as well and see where people are coming from.

I already made a statement in this thread about complaining about your circumstances... It clearly has been discussed in this thread.

There are lots of insecure people in this world. I think the guys that complain about their circumstances are the ones that are the most insecure among the guys. My experience in behaving that way would prove this to me. Seeing others act the same way after I started listening to others some more helped me open my eyes to that.

Of course, I've learned something interesting reading some columns by a man called Doc Love and my favouite quote from him is "women don't lie, men don't listen". I've learned that this can be very true when you deal with a girl who is very secure with who she is and knows what she wants. It is even still true to a degree with some insecure girls.

I've been dating women who are getting upset and are indicating that they want something from me. An example would be a lady saying "I want you". I have found that I would have to react quickly to meet up with her and see her. If I don't she will say "you're never there when I need you". I argue that I am there. I'm not listening. The insecure one would not look for a solution with me and would immediately look for attention from the next guy. It wouldn't even matter if me and an insecure girl agreed to be exclusive, my not listening apparently gave her justification to cheat. While the secure women would likely give me a warning as if to say "this is your warning. You don't listen to me when I need something from you and I will leave."

This is something I'm starting to realize that some men don't get. Yes women can be subtle and men can be direct. Don't treat this as an aspie exclusive trait either. Many NT men I've met don't get it either. Some will say "women for all intents and purposes are ret*d". He speaks from experience. Not on behalf of all men. He may have had a bad string of women or just wasnt listening or both.

Edited after 130 pm due to obvious error I noticed and because I have been using my phone and not the computer.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 130 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 88 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie


Last edited by aspiemike on 01 Mar 2014, 1:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

onewithstrange
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 4 Mar 2013
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 209

01 Mar 2014, 1:27 pm

OliveOilMom wrote:
onewithstrange wrote:
"Nice Guys" are cowards, plain and simple. They're too afraid to stick up for what they believe in because they fear the consequences, fear being made to accept that they're not all they think they are. They'll manipulate and lie to influence others, because coming straight out and being honest about their intentions or feelings is scary and alien. Their self-esteem is so feeble that they feel compelled to even lie to themselves and blame others for his misfortune. If he's rejected by a girl, it wasn't because she saw through his ruse and recognized him for the manipulative narcissist that he was, it was because she didn't know how this whole dating thing was supposed to work. Of course he would never let it come to a rejection, because he would have lost interest well before then.

I wish I weren't speaking from personal experience.


No, that's the usual WP version of "nice guys". Not the real deal.


That's why I put "nice guys" in quotation marks.


_________________
"If people do not believe that mathematics is simple, it is only because they do not realize how complicated life is."

~~ John von Neumann


billiscool
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Feb 2006
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,989

01 Mar 2014, 1:41 pm

OliveOilMom wrote:
billiscool wrote:
nice guys(TM) are a myth.There just guys women find weird,and/or ugly.


I've known and dated some nice guys who weren't weird or ugly.


Then their not nice guy(tm),if a guy can get a date,he can't be
a nice guy(tm). nice guy(tm)is just a buzz word for unpopular,dateless men.



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 43
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,451
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

01 Mar 2014, 2:03 pm

My signature from now on.



Kurgan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Apr 2012
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,132
Location: Scandinavia

01 Mar 2014, 2:41 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
My signature from now on.


Good luck keeping track. To be fair, there are even more posts about these so-called Nice Guys (TM) than there are by them.



ezbzbfcg2
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Feb 2013
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,977
Location: New Jersey, USA

01 Mar 2014, 3:11 pm

Kurgan wrote:
To be fair, there are even more posts about these so-called Nice Guys (TM) than there are by them.


That was part of my original point. This thread, for instance.

OliveOilMom wrote:
Go on ahead and try and slice my theory to pieces, of course you will. You were rejected so therefore you were a nice guy, my marriage has some problems so therefore marriage sucks, etc, etc etc. It's an excuse to not try it on your own cause you are afraid of getting hurt.

then:
OliveOilMom wrote:
I'm not attacking in the least. i'm far from angry or upset or trying to attack or be mean. I'm simply talking to you straight.


I'll just say this: You didn't even comprehend my original post. You made an assumption, and then proceeded to tell me who I was and how I was surly going to react. It's impossible to truly be straight with someone if you do not (or cannot) comprehend the point they're making and start jumping to conclusions about them and dictating matter-of-factly how they're going to behave. And this isn't the first time I've seen you do this. This is me telling it to you straight.

I'll leave it at that.



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 43
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,451
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

01 Mar 2014, 4:06 pm

Why some ladies here are so obsessed about the Nice Guy thing?



Kezzstar
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2007
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,353
Location: Australia

01 Mar 2014, 4:28 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Why some ladies here are so obsessed about the Nice Guy thing?


You ever had a Nice Guy/Girl either a) latch on to you, then decide you're the most horrible person in the world because you won't date them or b) complain incessantly to you about how girls don't like them while completely ignoring you?

Happened to me a lot when I was younger - ashamed to admit I probably deserved it. I don't want these guys to languish in their own self-pity, because self-pity sucks and is a sad place. I'd like for them to move out of it and grow into happy, confident human beings no matter what their relationship status - everyone deserves that. Hence why I posted a thread with advice (which will probably get ignored, because I'm an ignorable person. But I'm cool with that, not everyone can be popular).


_________________
"It isn't wrong, but we just don't do it."
Gordon, "Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends: Whistles and Sneezes"
http://www.normalautistic.blogspot.com.au - please read and leave a comment!


The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 43
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,451
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

01 Mar 2014, 4:43 pm

^ skipping post /ignored.

Oh why WHY girls don't like me? Bohooo! :cry:



Kezzstar
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2007
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,353
Location: Australia

01 Mar 2014, 4:45 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
^ skipping post /ignored.

Oh why WHY girls don't like me? Bohooo! :cry:


Do us a favour Boo, don't change. At least not on here :D *hug*


_________________
"It isn't wrong, but we just don't do it."
Gordon, "Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends: Whistles and Sneezes"
http://www.normalautistic.blogspot.com.au - please read and leave a comment!


The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 43
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,451
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

01 Mar 2014, 4:48 pm

^ I am sensing a spectral faint presence above.


Gone now, maybe it's just the wind.



886
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Jan 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,664
Location: SLC, Utah

01 Mar 2014, 5:04 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
My signature from now on.


Try YTD? Or maybe since we joined? In the hundreds :lol:


_________________
If Jesus died for my sins, then I should sin as much as possible, so he didn't die for nothing.


The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 43
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,451
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

01 Mar 2014, 5:50 pm

886 wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
My signature from now on.


Try YTD? Or maybe since we joined? In the hundreds :lol:


We would need Alex for that.


HEY ALEX!! GOD OF THE WP!! I am nicely summoning you for a request!! !

Can you tell us how many Nice Guys threads are out there on WP?



League_Girl
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 27,302
Location: Pacific Northwest

01 Mar 2014, 9:34 pm

This forum has taught me nice guy is a relative term.

To me a nice guy is someone who is respectful, sensitive, not a jerk, caring. I consider my husband a nice guy.

I wouldn't consider any of my ex boyfriends nice guys. They appeared nice when I met them but being in a relationship with them is a different story.


_________________
Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed and ASD lv 1.

Daughter: NT, no diagnoses. Possibly OCD. Is very private about herself.


hale_bopp
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Nov 2004
Gender: Female
Posts: 17,054
Location: None

02 Mar 2014, 3:06 am

Sticky this thread.