Is it cheating?

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No, it's more than that, she fulfills my need for pleasure and pain. Our bond draws us closer every day, we are somewhat inseparable. I rarely feel connected to anyone but when I do, it is a very intense experience and the intensity even strikes with something as simple as looking in each others eyes.

I don't feel fulfilled or able to be turned on sexually if I don't share or build an emotional bond and connection with someone, I feel empty but with her, I feel fulfilled. I don't objectify beauty, I find beauty to be internal as well as external but my feelings depend on that connection. I don't have any desire for empty lust or the thrill of hurting someone I have never even met, I didn't choose to feel deeply about her.

I wish there was an explanation, but I feel an intense amount of love for this person, I feel a deep sense of connectivity and an emotional bond. Of course I feel guilt regarding the situation but I can't just stop my feelings, I can't turn them off.

I put more emphasis on connectivity, intrigue, depth and inner knowledge over objectifying beauty, materialism or resourcefulness.

there is an explanation: when you have an orgasm, your brain releases a chemical called "oxytocin" (aka "the bonding hormone") into your synapses. it makes you feel warm, fuzzy, trusting, and connected feelings to whatever is around you when the hormone is secreted by your pituitary gland. this is why people often can't see the truth in romantic relationships until after they are over--because during (especially during the initial sex-crazed period when they can't keep their hands off each other), they are blinded by their own hormones.

edit*--i just reread the "I feel empty but with her, I feel fulfilled" and i have to ask: are you saying you felt empty before you met her and now that you're "together" you feel fulfilled? if this is the case, it sounds to me like she is to you the equivalent of an addiction.

I'm not a sex crazed individual, I'm different from other people, I don't read male magazines or get excited like a 13 year old boy at the sight of a glamor model, I don't watch porn and I never have. Sex is something women had to initiate more with me than the other way around. To inform you, I seek human connection, emotional bond, depth, intrigue, the sex is an outcome of what I feel, not an outcome of empty lust. I don't objectify empty lust and that's what makes me different, I'm not one of these guys objectifying her for empty lust, I actually find what is within her to be what draws us closer.

no, you can't turn your feelings off and on--but you CAN choose your behaviour, and right now you are choosing something that you know is wrong and admittedly makes you feel guilty when you think about the third person in this relationship who is being lied to and betrayed by you and this woman.

perhaps the reason you are so drawn to this woman is that you two have similarly shady ethical standards in regards to your treatment of other people--if so, looks like you were made for each other...so who cares about that other dude's feelings, amirite? i mean, you're getting what you want, and so is she--so f**k that dude.

Ok, so you love her, are you sure she really loves you?

Why doesn't she leave him to be with you?

I feel like we can sexually express ourselves together, our deepest fantasies, desires and dreams can be fulfilled, she is the dominant one naturally, and that turns me on. I feel like I can be open with her and that in itself is something that I value. Being able to sexually express ourselves with each other, being free, not trying to be fit into a mold by someone else.

She is across a narrow sea, we meet in different cities to make love, it is expensive but worth it. I'm seeing the world and at the same time falling into this whirlwind romance with her, we said that we were travel partners. Without her, I realize those places would have felt empty..our feelings are getting deeper, she wants me to live closer to her.

I think auntblabby has it right - this is something you'll just have to go through. What we're saying likely makes no sense to you, or easily crumbles before the sheer magnitude of your feelings for her, the intensity of your passion and the new world that opens up before you.

However, as starvingartist notes, you have a choice here, as does the woman. Her SO does not. He is in this situation and doesn't even know it (and he will at some point). And this kind of thing is an addiction.

Fair enough. This is nothing to be sniffed at, and if people can find that in the world, all power to them. The problem is that she is, as you have it, 'taken'. The next problem is that, as far as I can see, the very fact and intensity of your 'connection' relies on her being 'taken', on the fleeting meet-ups. As The_Face_of_Boo asked, why doesn't she leave to be with you?

I'm sure you do have to make a connection before you can have sex (though you've not said anything about her character, only that she's beautiful to the point of being constantly chased, and moves you, and all we know of her character is that she'll cheat on her SO). All the worst for you in this case, and all the worse for the SO.




The emptiness and the meaning and the whirlwind romance - you're in for a hell of a fall. I can only think you simply have to go through it. Because of the SO, you do at least have something to push you to say, 'this won't work'.

Here's a thing. I'll grant you're not objectifying her physically, not 'only' in it for the lust. You're still objectifying the emotion - the 'soul', if you will - chasing after the rush of the psychological connection. It is not what you value that might make you 'different' or 'deeper', but how you value it and relate to it.

I wouldn't call what you're doing is cheating but it sounds to me more like "Both men are being used" case - she's profiting from her SO's cash while enjoying your young dick, she loves neither - a female bird strategy at best- but she is not bird which why it's wrong. Does she have kids btw?

You will learn the hard way. What you're doing sounds expensive and like a horror story waiting to happen. It may be all fun and games now, but it will end eventually and that "passion" and "love" you have going on will fade along with it. Good luck to you, OP. I hope it works, but I can't say I see this ending well...

Maybe she should end things with the other person? If she's with you she obviously felt unfulfilled in some way by the other person. She should choose.

he obviously doesn't give a damn about the other man.

^^i'm convinced of this now. he wanted us to tell him what he's doing is perfectly ok because of their "deep emotional connection' which somehow negates the wrongness of this woman's poor hubby being horribly betrayed by what he and she are doing, not try to talk him out of it. i'm not going to tell him it's ok because it's not, it's dishonest and sh***y and it's hurting someone.

i've never been cheated on myself before but i really feel for this guy (the hubby, not the OP) because i know what it's like to be betrayed and to think you know the people you care about, only to find out they don't actually care about your feelings at all and were just using you for company or an ego boost. it's an awful feeling and no one deserves that, and OP that is exactly what this woman is doing to her SO and to you.

It *is* an addiction. Oxytocin is the same neurochemical that creates any kind of addiction, including drug addiction. Love is an addiction, sex is an addiction. People can even be addicted to the act of cheating. Like with drug addictions, people will do things out of character and be willing to suffer in ways they wouldn't normally for the chemical reward mechanism of oxytocin.

When it all falls apart (and it will), go read the book "The Chemistry Between Us." It explains a lot.

humans are oh so good at irritating the hello out of their fellow humans, especially if they are close.

Well, I'll be a son of a gun. I know where this is going to go, and it isn't going to be pretty. She will suddenly lose her interest level in you at one point, and your addiction to this girl will leave you out of control. She is in complete control of this scenario and she knows it. She also will not care if you get hurt, but she will suddenly decide to care about her feelings the second you tell her "no".

I have been in a similar scenario before. The girl in question was in a relationship with a man who made a six figure outcome, and was doing his PhD. Now, I am just a pension chaser working for the Government here. Who is going to provide this girl (who comes from a poor country btw) with a better lifestyle? She didn't even have a job at that point and was in her second year of school at one of the universities here.

One possible idea is that this girl and her selfish nature is that she is cheating because she wants to know if it would be worth it to leave her man for someone else. She doesn't care about the people in her life, she only cares about the lifestyle that she can have. She will only leave her man when the lifestyle is guaranteed to be an upgrade from her current situation.