I think an Aspie guy likes me (NT). Now what??

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I agree but If you had sex with one I find it very odd that you would be that hesistant to open up to her.

Bahahaha keep it coming.

I think the sexual part is strongly driven by hormones and instincts. Thus, it is very possible to be sexual with somebody, yet not dare to make contact and pursue a relationship. For instance, in my experience, being sexual with somebody does not inhibit approach avoidance, which is a huge problem in neurodiversity,

I'm sure it can be odd for neurotypicals, where sex and bonding is more or less the same thing, but that is not always the case in neurodiversity.

But the Op is NT!! She's the one who's being hesistant.

Well, this thread has evolved into something far broader than my original post, and while that's not necessarily a bad thing, there are things being discussed and opined that are beyond my situation.

For the record, I am not hesitant to pursue a relationship with Mike. I think my posts make clear that I am trying to do just that. I'm just unsure of how he feels about me because our ways of communicating and understanding social behaviors are different, and I want to be sensitive to the fact that what I feel may be natural indicators of interest in a more personal and intimate relationship may NOT be natural or comfortable for him. That's not so strange, is it?

Also for the record, but perhaps trivial to clarify and TMI for some, we have NOT had sex (oral or otherwise) nor seen each other naked. There has been cuddling and a few kisses and some (for lack of a better term) "feeling up" in the dark a few times while intoxicated. When I mentioned sleeping together I meant actual sleep, just in the same physical space. This is simply my opinion, but sex is a very intimate and emotionally meaningful experience for me, and I wouldn't have sex with someone that I wasn't already dating with at least the intention of maintaining a serious, long-term relationship.

Anyway, I originally posted with the hope of getting some advice from you lovely neurodiverse folks as to whether or not you felt that his behavior is simply meeting some sort of physical comfort and/or sexual urges but not necessarily indicative of wanting a more personal/emotional relationship with me, and that if you thought his behavior DOES indicate he's likely interested in a relationship with me, what you would suggest I do to help make that happen in a way that someone with Aspergers would understand and hopefully be comfortable with.

So, thanks to those of you who have offered insight, suggestions, and advice. I appreciate it.

Banter on...

If I thought you already had sex with him, which didn't seem to be the case, I'd have a very different opinion about him as somebody that just wanted that and nothing else. But since you described it as only touching and cuddling, it seems neurodiverse enough,

Just go ask him now, you won't find the answer here.

I think you are onto something here. The early, physical behaviour is instinctive or hormone driven for lack of a better word. This is not necessarily a bad thing, NTs are just more skilled at "cloaking" their intentions.

I'm guessing that when it comes to hanging out one on one, he may not feel that it is worthwhile, or gets very little out of it. As has been alluded to above, NTs have a much greater tolerance when it comes to doing an activity together for the social gain rather than for the activity itself. Personally I know I am much more interested in the activty than the social aspect, except if I feel I need to socialise either to keep up appearences or because I haven't socialised in a while.

So how do you engage the personal/emotional side of things? This is the hardest nut to crack with aspies and I'm not convinced there are any good answers.

On a practical note, I think you need to put the ball in his court whilst still instigating things from your side. Let him know that you are interested in hanging out and that he can pick the activities if he likes - and then back off. Be patient. If you do make some progress, let him know that he doesn't have to commit to anything. As someone wiser than me once said, Aspies need to know they can always run away from a relationship. It's up to you to decide if you can deal with that constraint.

Something about being an AS male is that, if we get it wrong, there are huge emotional and sometimes legal consequences, and because we have AS, we have NO clue how to interpret non-verbal communication or the intentions of somebody if they don't just come out and say it. We can't follow the unwritten NT script or understand what you are saying to us with body language. On top of all this, we have fewer opportunities to learn because of a lack of relationship experience. A rule that I have is that I will not approach a girl EVER, because I don't know how to do it, and I have been rejected 100% of the time, even if the girl initially was attracted to me. The only way a girl is going to get anywhere with me is to say, specifically, what she wants. She has to do all the initiating or it won't happen. You keep expecting him act normal. He can't. He wants you to "read" him but you can't because he doesn't do the things that, in your mind, demonstrate that he likes you.

Me, being a man with AS, feel strongly that he is very attracted to you and likes you. He just shows it the AS way, hoping you will catch on and know what to do. If you want him, tell him you like him. He doesn't know. He can't figure it out. He won't figure it out. I have a feeling that he believes you don't like him because he can't read the signs. That might be why he was cold toward you.

I'm encouraged by your words, em_tsuj, but at this point I'm struggling with not wanting to seem like a bother to him. Since our "date" at my house, I've invited Mike to a dinner party (which I mentioned before) and he declined in the rather strange fashion (the bit about "living more fully by withdrawing from society"). Then I thought I'd give it another shot and I invited him to a party this weekend with mutual friends, and I outright said in my email that I liked him and hoped he'd attend if he was free because i was looking forward to chatting with him again, but he declined that offer as well, saying simply that his schedule wouldn't allow him to attend. I understand, though, that it's a holiday weekend and he likely does have other plans.

I'm not ready to give up yet, but I dislike feeling like a pest. I know it's probable that HE doesn't see me that way, but is it silly of me to keep extending invitations and trying to initiate hangouts after he's turned me down twice now? Should I keep trying?

Yes, I think you should keep trying if that is what you want and he doesn't overtly tell you to back off.

I would suggest inviting him to one on one activites rather than parties and dinners with groups. This is not Aspie-friendly terrain.

Actually, I am in an extremely similar situation to "Mike", so I am trying to bounce back a few of my own feelings for you to work off. Something that comes to mind and is a real hinderance is the fact you are friends with his social group. Now imagine if he does agree to go into this relationship a little, just can't deal with it and has to find some more awkward excuses to pull out. Not only would he have to worry about explaining this to you, but eventually or indirectly (via you) to his social group as well. What are they going to think of him if he enters into a relationship for a few weeks then bails? How will he explain this to them? What is going to happen if you divulge the details to his/your friends?

I reckon all of this may be on his mind to some extent also. I know it is for me, especially when it is friends in common that are setting you up with someone. Bascially, the only workable solution is a deep chat at the beginning of the relationship to sort out all these eventuallities if they arise, and it going to have to be you that initiates this chat because there is very little chance it is he that does it. Does he know you know he is an aspie? Do his friends know? Does he know that his friends know?

I think you're just 100% being used. You gave him an outlet to easily explore his sexuality, I doubt any woman has ever shown interest in him or tried to kiss him before, and you're basically giving him an outlet to be affectionate without him having to put forth any effort whatsoever.

If you're expecting anything more from this guy I highly, highly doubt it will ever happen. Even if his issues with social anxiety are legit, it changes nothing.