how to kindly rebuff on okcupid??

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lotusblossom
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06 Jun 2014, 5:55 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:

lotusblossom wrote:

here is the funny message

Quote:

hello friend. ? your profile and photos you have here, it is nice and i like it,
that is the reason why i stop by and send you this words or this piece of letter.
You have such a lovely smile that will make a man go mad for you, I have this feelings
that you are send from God to a man. Well I am giving a chance to get to know you more better, I am Collins by name, going, honest, faithful and good man, I am not here for play or to waste away my fun i have a busy job that is what makes me sometimes to come online, I will like both of us to know more about each other better, I wait to hear from you soonest, Have a lovely and pleasant day...

That message sounds like someone saying what they think you want to hear. There are also cultures where it seems men are taught to talk to women like that. But it was always a turn off for me, too. I don't mind compliments that are close enough to what I see in the mirror to ring with some truth, though; I can see why a guy might like my eyes, for example.

Anyway, I love that response GiantHockeyFan recommended and nice to see you've used it. Soooo glad I don't have to deal with any of this.

(I married a man with the most wonderful smile in the world, but he has NEVER believed me when I tell him that. Sigh)

what do people like that want though, he lives in belgium so its not sex, must be money- he must be a bit thick then as single mums with 4 kids dont have any money!! so weird.

Your very lucky to have married the lovely smiled husband. (and he is lucky to have you too as your posts are always wise and kind and it must be nice spending your life with someone like you.)

lotusblossom
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06 Jun 2014, 6:03 pm

Nambo wrote:

It,s probably different for men but I get quite a few messages so I politely thank them and say I already seem to have found somebody here.

Today I got a women from New York who was Asian, Christian and in her questions stated she was Jewish, She had such horrid answers to all the questions that I considered it must be a joke profile so I replied so:-

" Thank you for writing to me but I am only looking for a relationship with Lykke Li, if you know her can you get her to check out my profile please?
Cheers. "

By the way, Hi Smudge!

Its so odd when people have contradictory answers, they must just tick any answer without thinking or be jokes like you say.

Nambo
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06 Jun 2014, 6:17 pm

lotusblossom wrote:

Nambo wrote:

Its so odd when people have contradictory answers, they must just tick any answer without thinking or be jokes like you say.

Wasn't just contradictory in this case, after having claimed she was a Christian she ticked the worst possible answer for every question that made her appear to be a really nasty and selfish person.

smudge
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06 Jun 2014, 6:39 pm

lotusblossom wrote:

gah! He has written a long message back already arrgh! Smudge you better sign up and take the bullet soon! Hope he is not a member on here!! !

all the other replies were just ones saying 'thanks for your honesty xx' which is ok, whats with all the kisses though-yuk!! !

except for the funny 'your gods gift' one who has sent 2 more messages saying he wants to know me better as Im soo beautiful lol.

Lol, it's alright, you can have him! He's not my type, I'm afraid. You give him a try.

Besides, I don't really do dating sites anymore. I just *can't* be bothered with them.

Hello Nambo. How's it's going? Have you seen or heard of any more ghosts?

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Nambo
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06 Jun 2014, 7:20 pm

smudge wrote:

Hello Nambo. How's it's going? Have you seen or heard of any more ghosts?

Same old same old, though maybe we will be made redundant next year.
As for Ghosts, I think I already told you about the single bare wet footprint that just disappeared in front of the fellas eyes?
The last one I heard was one of the guys who claims every time he goes down one of the lobbies, something invisible grabs his legs!

smudge
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07 Jun 2014, 7:21 am

Nambo wrote:

smudge wrote:

Hello Nambo. How's it's going? Have you seen or heard of any more ghosts?

No, I don't remember you telling me that one! How creepy! Where abouts was that, where the new flooring is? As for the second one...I'm not sure what to think of it. It made me laugh at first, but then I thought...I dunno - does he get a bad or humourous feeling from it? Not that I'd like that happening to me.

Have they been cutting back then? I hope you manage to stay in your job. It certainly sounds interesting. Have you met any more interesting people since we last spoke?

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Jono
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07 Jun 2014, 9:58 am

TheGoggles wrote:

Jono wrote:

tarantella64 wrote:

About tons of wtf-type OKC messages: yeah, there are guys who will just message anything alive. I didn't even have a photo up and I'd get comments on my photo. Just ignore them, you don't owe them an answer. If a guy writes and sounds sincere, but just doesn't sound like a match, then I like that polite response.

No, don't just ignore them. Reply to them with something like "Not interested" or if they message you about a photo that you haven't put up, then reply saying "I don't even have my photo up yet" and then block them so that they can't reply back to you. You don't owe them a proper response but like I've said above, anyone looking for matches can actually see how often you reply to messages because there's an indicator underneath your username. So, you could end up with some genuinely nice people passing you over and deciding not to message you because you've got a red or orange line underneath your name.

You realize that women get, like, a billion messages a second on those websites?

You do realize that for men, online dating is actually a lot of work and they're literally forced to message a billion women at once because women hardly ever send the first message, right? Anyway, giving a canned reply of "not interested" and blocking them can be done just as quickly as deleting them. The biggest problem with dating sites is that women get too many messages and men get too few and the two problems are complementary. Perhaps if more women were more willing to initiate the contact more often, then women would receive less messages.

Last edited by Jono on 07 Jun 2014, 10:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

Jono
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07 Jun 2014, 10:13 am

tarantella64 wrote:

Jono, it's a numbers game only for the desperate/silly and the site owners. If a guy is so easily discouraged, and so sensitive to rejection, that a red bar puts him off from contacting a woman who sounds interesting to him, then he's not the man for me anyway.

I don't have a profile up anymore, but if I did, I wouldn't reply to men who obviously haven't looked at or read my profile just to keep looking inviting.

This what you don't seem to understand. The men ignoring your profile due to that red bar is not about fearing rejection at all, it's simply about time management and making the best use of your time on dating sites. It's not a numbers game, it's about being efficient and practical and increasing the chances of meeting someone worthwhile through the site, otherwise it will simply take a lot longer and it could take years of being on the site before getting a single date (as has often been the for me). It's no different from judging what you have in common by reading their profile. Women on dating sites receive too many messages from men, that I agree with. However, the other side of the coin is that men receive too few messages from women. In fact, I hardly ever receive any messages from any messages from women on OKCupid if I don't message them first (it's only happened about 3 times in the 3 years I've been on that site). Therefore, in order to for men be successful on dating sites at all, they have to not only send messages to lot's of women but also make judgement calls on who to send messages to and who not to and whether they will be successful.

SabbraCadabra
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07 Jun 2014, 12:42 pm

tarantella64 wrote:

If a guy is so easily discouraged, and so sensitive to rejection, that a red bar puts him off from contacting a woman who sounds interesting to him, then he's not the man for me anyway.

Doesn't matter what color that bar is, chances are probably 90% they won't reply, so I just message them anyway. What difference does it make?

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Jono
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07 Jun 2014, 1:02 pm

SabbraCadabra wrote:

tarantella64 wrote:

If a guy is so easily discouraged, and so sensitive to rejection, that a red bar puts him off from contacting a woman who sounds interesting to him, then he's not the man for me anyway.

Doesn't matter what color that bar is, chances are probably 90% they won't reply, so I just message them anyway. What difference does it make?

I usually do as well but the point is that the ones with the red bar underneath are the least likely to reply. If they have a green bar underneath, then they are the most likely reply because the green bar indicates that they reply to most, if not all, messages that they receive.

newageretrohippie
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07 Jun 2014, 1:41 pm

GiantHockeyFan wrote:

How about "Thank you for taking the time to read my profile and write. Unfortunately, I do not see enough common ground to pursue further communications. Best of luck to you -(name)." I would have appreciated that a lot more than the BS excuses I usually get.

I usually just get no response at all.....Why can't people just say they aren't interested in as polite a way as possible?

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08 Jun 2014, 8:49 am

lotusblossom wrote:

all the other replies were just ones saying 'thanks for your honesty xx'

Look like it's not just us aspies then. See, guys really do appreciate getting a polite rejection, rather than nothing at all!

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spongy
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08 Jun 2014, 9:23 am

newageretrohippie wrote:

GiantHockeyFan wrote:

I usually just get no response at all.....Why can't people just say they aren't interested in as polite a way as possible?

While this would be ideal too many people like to take advantage of the whole "anonymity" of the interwebs and:
a) question the other parties judgement on them and harass them
b) attempt to change their mind by sending countless messages.
.
.
.
One female member here replied to every men and blocked them. Some of them took the time to create a new account just to harass her and whatnot.

Its one of the saddest realities of the online world this days.

Ignoring someone has become the safest way of showing you are not interested, even though its extremely unpolite

smudge
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08 Jun 2014, 9:45 am

^ THIS.

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08 Jun 2014, 1:51 pm

Have had to come up with a blanket rejection reply, because trying to find a new way to say the same thing every time was more than I could handle:
"Appreciate the polite message. Thanks, but no thank you. Best of luck to you with the site."
I think it's decent to acknowledge the effort and courage it took someone to write first.

I do feel bad being in the role of rejecting someone-though I wouldn't want to trade places, either.
It's all really painful and difficult, and I do my best to be kind and civil...even with the so-called anonymity of the internet.
That's just how I am as a person, being mean on purpose isn't really in my skill set (nor do I wish it to be).

Admit I do get annoyed by the content of many msgs. bc. it seems my profile text wasn't read.
Religious people writing when I say in my profile I'm an atheist & ISO someone along those lines, for instance.

I always read the profile of someone who msgs. me, and bear that info. in mind when concluding "we would not be compatible".
Of course, I look at the photo & decide whether I could be attracted on that level as well.

I rarely block/report people, but on occasion something crude/vulgar arrives at my inbox, and those I do *not* reply to at all.

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SabbraCadabra
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10 Jun 2014, 5:17 am

Jono wrote:

Well, in my experience, they might as well all be red bars

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