ASPI Question

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How do you figure you can work that hard and gain nothing for it?

If you truly work that hard (and smart) you should gain more money for it, which should afford you a better quality of life.

woz, it is really hard to be married to someone who's disabled. Usually. That's why most of the marriages break up. Really, though, it depends on the nature of the disability and on both spouses' ability to cope, as well as other supports around. If the disability is physical and doesn't involve chronic pain or taxing mobility issues, and both spouses are psychologically strong and positive people, and there's a strong support system in place -- family, community -- then yeah, those are your best odds, I think. Then you're in "s**t happens" territory, but you're both yourselves, you can carry on, you can also catch a break if you're the caregiver. But anything that involves mental issues -- mental illness, mental impairments, neuro issues -- can really make life very difficult for both.

And you're right, it's the chronic, wearing-down nature of caregiving that does it, particularly if there isn't strong family/community support. Anyone can be a hero for a few months, but as it stretches into years and there's no sign of things changing...one of the best things that happened to me, during my marriage, was coming across a book in which many people described their experiences of caregiving to a seriously mentally ill spouse. And it was all terribly familiar, but at the same time I realized, my god, this doesn't get better. And this is what people do, they knock themselves out trying to make things better, working for the spouse's improvement, which...it just doesn't happen, this is an ongoing thing. It took some of the people in the book 20 years to figure it out, and their lives had been wrecked in the meantime. At that point I quit kidding myself. Since then I've run into many ex-spouses of seriously mentally ill people, and they tell me the same thing repeatedly, how long it took them to figure it out. Because you hope.

Anyway -- this is why money isn't the main issue with disability, in dating. Yeah, money's important, you need it. But the main issue in a relationship, I think, really is the disability itself, as well as the disabled person's attitude in life and other supports that exist.

the more I make the higher my bills go. they are gauged based on how much I make.

I work hardish. I am not the hardest worker, but I tend to be more on task and work to be fast and get stuff done. I tend to be lazy when it comes to doing things I really really hate.
a for working smart. I wasted my degree. Its useless for me and comes with 10k in debt. I agree with obama's(rare) idea that the last 2 years of school should be giving students a chance to see what they can do. I like working on cars, but do to my having aspergers it isn't something I can do.

So I will be limited to min wage.(9.21) to maybe $12 an hour jobs.

I take working smart to mean having a job that comes with a degree and higher pay.

It's a situation I don't see a way out of but one or two ways to make it easier. but as to being worthy of a girl. It appears such is unobtainable for me.

I don't want a caretaker. I would be mad if a woman treated me like she is my caretaker. I do stuff on my own aside from being shy( not liking going places alone or having to confront people. like if I have to return something) I still do those things I just prefer company/someone who is more forceful.

I just want a companion to share my love and interests with. I am willing to do stuff for them. rinse/wash their dishes, do their laundry, cook for them, etc.

Oh come on guys, no need to get defensive, if some women find or have their own reasons why not to want to date someone on disability, regardless if they them selves are on it or not, then there is no point in debating the issues with them. their mind is already made up. you may say well shouldn't it depend on the individual and their case? no not really, those that have made up their minds tune out the instant they find out your on disability.

Well see what you just said? Why work myself to death to gain nothing? People who are on SSI are not horrible people, that's not the issue. But people who are on SSI do expect the government to provide a get out of jail card to them if they claim they can't handle the pressure (for whatever reason). But then at the same time, some of you are saying that other people who don't want to support themselves and you (who already got your get out of jail card) are selfish and looking out for money.

When you marry somebody with a disability, you are agreeing to limit your prospects in life in deference to the other person's health. You can't quit your job to follow your dream. You often can't afford schooling that would make your life better. You can't quit a job that makes you sick with stress because your spouse will be without medical insurance if you do. And even with medical insurance the bills pile up and pile all the while you are working like a dog and probably making a ton of emotional concessions to the spouse's illness as well.

I think if they had a little bit of money, it could make a huge difference. Or they were already on successful career that they loved and so didn't get trapped in a job just to stay above water and keep insurance, that would help.

It has nothing to do with you being a horrible person at all, but it's a drastic way to live.

This woman whose husband has MS, her boss talks to her like she's a dog all day long, she can't quit.

I personally think people should always strive to try to work. I have to do it and it sucks to high hell much of the time. I have so many problems you can't imagine, but I do it. Going on disability when you are in bad condition is one thing, but to just never go back to work is something else. And I don't mean you are a bad person, you aren't at all (at least for that reason), but for yourself even more than anyone else, I would never give up trying. Independence is a good feeling.

I concur with Wozeree.

Depends on the disability. I certainly don't care about the income potential or lack thereof, as I've been supporting myself since I was 17 (along with a husband for roughly 25 of those years since).

However, the fact that I was married to someone who didn't seem able to support himself financially *did* influence my decision not to have children. I wasn't dying to have them in the first place, and in the second place, I was always the primary bread-winner, so how could I possibly have taken time off work for pregnancy and childbirth?

Bottom line, I would have to make that decision on a case-by-case basis.

I must say that this is a bit of a pessimistic viewpoint. I agree that one cannot make another person better, but this is not the same as saying that a person can't improve their behaviour. Learning never stops. Even for autistics.

And whose to say that two people on disability can't get together. Perhaps they balance each other. Tarantella your goals in a relationship are not universal. And I think you underestimate the impact that treatment, both pharmaceutical and behavioural, can have.

I don't want to be on SSI. part of the reason was probably cause my mom got divorced from my sperm donor. she was a house wife and has medical conditions. the money helped support me from high school up and to be honest I'd probably be homeless now if not for it. I don't like taking help from people in theory.

isn't the point of working to have atleast a little extra money besides paying bills. I just feel that I'll get a job working my but off but women will be like oh thats not a real job, or you don't make enough. so then where Am I less money then now maybe and also stressed out and tired. part of the problem is you are punished for trying to get off the system. there should be a grace period/ take less depending on what you make. to make sure someone can actually live on the new job/keep the job.

I don't expect it, but I do know i'd be dead without it currently. I don't want them to support me. i don't need them to. I just want to love them and be loved back. why does it matter if the 700 comes from a crappy job or from ssi. money is money no?
the issue i have is that some people don't like people on ssi or low income job cause they seem to expect the guy to pay for himself and some of there stuff. if it was truly a paying eachs own way it wouldn't be an issue. I can pay my own way.

I think it depends on the person with a disability. I would put my wife's needs above mine. I would entourage her to go after that schooling or new job. people on disability get free health care. even when i find a job and lose the income, I will still get the medicaid. I already have two insurance plans, I don't want a 3rd from some company I would never allow my love to work like a dog. I would encourage her to quit. cut back on stuff. Sell my things if needed. I would go move hay or other odd jobs. If it came down to where I couldn't work and my health costs were too high. I would kill myself and free her from the burden.

my brother with ms is making tons of emotional concessions for his selfish wife. even lets her pyhsically abuse him, steal his money, yet he still goes out and buys her sweet gifts. he'd always been her provider via working like a dog to her dad who under paid him. now he uses his SSDI to pay for her stuff.

I seem to be expected to do what you mentioned for a non disabled woman. I am expected to work my but off in a horrible job that leaves me feeling like s**t each day, so she can feel I am worth her. only if I make good money is it a "real job".

I want to work strange as it might sound. I like to keep busy, I just want to work at something that is not s**t, also I don't have the ability to get a $17+ hour job.

my problem with work is the getting it part. I have been working at the college book store for over a year now. they bring me back each time and generally customers love me. So I can work, just no one will give me a shot. despite that I keep trying. I am a complainer yes, but I guess I am also driven? idk if I'd use that word, but I don't give up on stuff, i get upset, then keep trying.
I see driven and ambitious as people who are CEOs, or doctors, people who are successful.

when people say that security, customer service etc aren't real jobs it's depressing. not everyone can have one of those " real jobs" only can be so many doctors, or CEO's or inset job, so what about the other millions of people, and who is going check you out at a store or serve you food, or cook your food. I don't like those elitist people. me having any job should be seen as good. So many people can't find any work. my uncle doesn't even try, he's content living off of others.

not trying to be offensive or defensive against you. I just don't like the sense that people on disability are worthless. It also hits my self worth which is under attack constantly. every add seems to mention having a real job, where are the real men, have your life together, etc.

Last edited by sly279 on 08 Jul 2014, 11:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

two people on disability could do OK together money wise for sure. they won't be rich but they will be the same as people working low paying jobs. plus they could work little side jobs.

I see people as people. there are some conditions I would be worried about and rather not get involved with. If i feel in love with a person with one though, I wouldn't let my fears ruin the love.

It's really about more than money even, it's about being out in the world and holding your own. Having interesting experiences and things to converse about in common.
You might find someone though. I wouldn't lose hope.

I wonder how much of a difference it makes if the person on disability also works a low paying part-time job for around 25 hours per week or less(disabilty-income sometimes allows for this without the payments being affected).

My guess is that anything that gets you out into the world helps people avoid having knee jerk reactions to word "disability." Even a volunteer job or a regular gathering of some sort (social or science or whatever) might help.

I think it's safe to say that few wives want to be caretakers. That's not, I think, most people's view of what marriage will be. And I can tell you firsthand that it's terrible in a relationship, because it brings in weird and unhealthy power dynamics -- it isn't fun, it isn't pleasant, and it's very difficult to manage. Unfortunately, if one spouse is genuinely disabled and has to be taken care of in some manner, then the other does become, willy-nilly, a caretaker. It's a very difficult thing to handle in a marriage. Again, no doubt part of why so many marriages involving disability break up.

Neither did I, so even when I qualified for it I refused to go sign up for it. I squeaked by living at a friend's house while it was under renovation trading my labour for room & board.. and I'd make about $150/month on the side. I HATED the idea of signing up for welfare because I felt like putting my signature on those forms would be like officially giving up and I just could NOT do that.

Eventually I figured out what was causing my symptoms and what to do about it (see thread in sig) & I've since worked my way back into the workforce. I'm stronger/fitter/healthier than ever, my symptoms are minimal, and instead of not being able to hold down a part time minimum wage service job because my brain was tripping balls, I'm no capable of working full time + doing construction and earning better pay. I can also transition into almost any other job type I want to do again or try out new.

It took a while to improve myself to the point where I am now.. a couple of years, but it's OH so worth it. Never give up. Never settle. Just keep moving forward step by step, bit by bit, and eventually you'll be rewarded for it.

You can't expect to instantly go from being incapable of working a job to earning a decent wage full time if you're truly incapable of working. Spend your time while on SSI working on yourself, improving yourself in every way so that you're more capable than ever to take on a job.. then when you do you'll be able to do it, and work yourself up to bigger better opportunities and the money that comes along with it.

Sure, it's hard work.. but nothing worth doing is easy.