Is the other woman a threat?
I respect your views on marriage is, it's important to you, I get that, but why do you need to know her official status?
At this point they may not even have talked about marriage. Everything isn't always black and white. It's not a case of just friends with benefits or knowing that you're going to get married.
It took me years to realise that most people don't view things in black and white. Mostly people don't plan things, they just go with the flow.
Why do you need to know if it's either or? It's probably something in between. And be careful, she may feel that her relationship status is none of anyone's business.
If the other woman is anything like this woman, then yeah she poses a great threat and will destroy your city!
_________________
Your Aspie score is 193 of 200
Your neurotypical score is 40 of 200
You are very likely an aspie
No matter where I go I will always be a Gaijin even at home. Like Anime? https://kissanime.to/AnimeList
She liked one of his Facebook posts tonight. It was a joke about one of his best friends. I'm literally shaking.
He and I have 13 mutual friends (with potential for more), including this friend that joke post was about. She and I only have 1 mutual friend, which is him. She is not Facebook friends with that other friend. (She last liked something that he posted about a month ago, while I've liked and shared a bunch of things with him multiple times in the same period.) I get terrified whenever I see any interaction between her and him, though.
Could this be a clue? Is the fact that she and I have no other mutual friends a sign that she's outside of his main friendship circle and is just a side fling? Or did she like that post because that friend is going to be a groomsman or best man in her wedding?
He and I have 13 mutual friends (with potential for more), including this friend that joke post was about. She and I only have 1 mutual friend, which is him. She is not Facebook friends with that other friend. (She last liked something that he posted about a month ago, while I've liked and shared a bunch of things with him multiple times in the same period.) I get terrified whenever I see any interaction between her and him, though.
Could this be a clue? Is the fact that she and I have no other mutual friends a sign that she's outside of his main friendship circle and is just a side fling? Or did she like that post because that friend is going to be a groomsman or best man in her wedding?
Do you have any evidence that they're getting married? If you're friends with the guy, you can ask him.
Do you have any evidence that they're getting married? If you're friends with the guy, you can ask him.
He said she was his "lover" and the fact that they've screwed on and off. That's evidence of marriage if I ever saw it.
I'm afraid to ask him because he's my closest friend and I don't want to lose his friendship. I'd rather ask her if I ever met her again. But seriously, why does SHE deserve the honor of being tied to him legally as a family member?
Yes, the other woman is a threat. Either he likes her romantically, or he's a player banging a bunch of women and he has your heart on lockdown. I would try to get away from him, as he's definitely pursuing other women either purely for sex or romantically and he has a lot of power over you. Not a good situation to be in no matter what. Confront him and take control now before you get hurt badly down the line.
Hmmm.... you appear to have an unheathy obsession with this. What this woman is to a guy you are merely crushing on is none of your business. And if you're not careful you will come across as mentally unstable and he will get a restraining order against you.
_________________
Aspergers - Because God wanted me to do something at work other than update my Facebook.
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 161 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 39 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse.
She is not a threat to you. You are not a threat to her.
You are probably going to get your heart stomped on if you continue to attempt to pursue this- you both clearly have completely different ideals just when it comes to relationships. I don't know about anything else, but that should be enough for you to want to protect your heart and mind and put some distance there.
_________________
I don't know about other people, but when I wake up in the morning and put my shoes on, I think, "Jesus Christ, now what?"
-C. Bukowski
Do you have any evidence that they're getting married? If you're friends with the guy, you can ask him.
He said she was his "lover" and the fact that they've screwed on and off. That's evidence of marriage if I ever saw it.
I'm afraid to ask him because he's my closest friend and I don't want to lose his friendship. I'd rather ask her if I ever met her again. But seriously, why does SHE deserve the honor of being tied to him legally as a family member?
Your particular worldview does not apply here, they do not share it.
_________________
Aspergers - Because God wanted me to do something at work other than update my Facebook.
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 161 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 39 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse.
Do you have any evidence that they're getting married? If you're friends with the guy, you can ask him.
He said she was his "lover" and the fact that they've screwed on and off. That's evidence of marriage if I ever saw it.
That's just evidence that they say they have had sexual relations and he said she was his lover. "All other bets are off".
_________________
I don't know about other people, but when I wake up in the morning and put my shoes on, I think, "Jesus Christ, now what?"
-C. Bukowski
You said that you don't want to tell him about your feelings for him because you are afraid of losing his friendship. Let me tell you about an experience I had. I was young and had rose coloured glasses on and I was totally obsessed with this man. I had never met anyone who I enjoyed spending time with as much as I did with him. We could talk for hours and we had a lot in common.
So I got to the point where I told him how I felt. He told me that he was not in love with me and he'd met someone else. I was heart-broken, but, years later we are still friends. We don't see each other very often because our lives have moved on, but when we do talk we still talk away like old friends. he's been with this woman all this ime, so that worked out well for him and they are happy and I am glad that he's happy.
Maybe you should tell your friend that you want to be more than just friends with him. If he shares your feelings then that would be fab If he really is your friend, but doesn't share your feelings he will let you down gently and it will be awkward for a while, but real friends get through the bad times, so you won't lose completely. Even if he says no, it will give you closure and even though it will hurt and take time to get over him it will free you emotionally and you won't have this worry hanging over your head anymore. Don't let this drag you down. Be strong and look after yourself.
How can we not be threats to each other if we're both racing to the same prize? And the biggest headscratcher... she called him her "friend" even after "seeing" him for a couple years at that point.
And I DID confess that I had a crush on him, but he said he couldn't do anything at the time, but "maybe eventually." Our friendship hasn't skipped a beat, though. I'm hoping the "eventually" will come... eventually.
Again, I don't want to see him paired off with this one particular woman (who rubbed me the wrong way the very first moment I met her), but I'd accept if he married a lady whom complemented him well (and someone I could befriend). This one doesn't complement him.
The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 32,916
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.
Hmmmm, I'm not enamoured with his reply. Sounds like a gentle let down, so he's not been outright nasty to you, but saying "maybe eventually" isn't fair. It's not right for him to string you along like that. Don't let him play with your emotions. Some people enjoy being around someone that they know is attracted to them because it boosts their self esteem even if they are not planning on taking that relationship anywhere.
I know that you adore him and it's probably hard to imagine meeting someone else you get along with quite as well, but don't wait and wait and wait on someone who might make you wait around forever. Don't throw your life away on pining after one person.
He's not for settling down at the moment. I say this based on what you've told us about his fwb relationship and how he knows you are a serious relationship girl and he's pretty much told you he's not in that place right now. Sounds like he's just enjoying his youth and freedom. Don't you hang around waiting for him. Shake things up a bit. Start an evening class, join a club, meet some new people and develop yourself and find out what makes you happy. Don't pin all your joys and sorrows on this one man. There is no sure way of knowing that things will work out with him, but you know what is sure. That you can develop your own life and become who you want to be. Invest in yourself because you won't regret it.
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