Do you find love when you stop looking? Why?

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haven't been actively seeking love for almost a year now, yet I'm still single forever. wonder why no girl has climbed through my window yet and then decided they want to date.

When I look for love, I do not find it.

When I do not look for love, I still do not find it.

The results seem pretty consistent to me.

That advice works well for women.

But it doesn't work well for men.

Someone told me 'you find love when you stop looking' doesn't mean you spend all your time sitting around at home watching Netflix and eating ice cream while waiting for your soulmate to magically appear.

They said their interpretation of it is to put priority over other areas of your life and stop focusing so much on a relationship, to stop being desperate and to sort out your own life first.

Well, I said back to them, "But, for some of us, this just IS who we are. Some of us are introverted or shy. Some of us don't socialize or interact with ANYONE at school or work, unless we HAVE to, and when not studying or working we spend all our time at home, doing nothing. They say you should be yourself. Well, some of us ARE being ourselves, we just naturally spend little time focusing on actually meeting and socializing with other people, which is EXACTLY what is necessary to get a relationship." etc.

I know, I really do know the advice does not apply to many people here and to an extent it certainly didn't apply to me either.

At school I didn't talk to much people at all except this one group that I hang out with at lunch but they were just acquaintances and I had no interest in meeting any of them outside of school and it's clear they feel the same. We just talk, play a few sports, etc.

And in my spare time I just spend all my time sitting around at home, on the computer.

A friend told me they think the reason I find it difficult to make friends isn't because i'm an aspie (they even told me they didn't even realize until I told them, they had NO IDEA) it isn't because I'm awkward, or weird, or stupid or anything. They just said I come across as 'closed off' to others, because I appear content, already satisfied with their life.

I had only began to met new people once I actually DID start looking for new people to meet. This is both looking for friends and looking for a relationship.

So, 'looking without looking' is the way to go then? Just socialize more, meet new people, and just let things happen naturally until i start to make friends and/or get a relationship?

Has anyone else just done it this way? Simply meeting and talking to high numbers of people to make friends. How did it work out for you then?

But I'm wondering sly, sir, you said in other posts you don't get out very much, didn't you?

Well me I actually have the strong desire to get out and go out.

I am an complete introvert, but I am becoming much less introverted than I use to be.

I still spend so much time inside but it is not by choice anymore, only because there's nothing to do in my empty city (that i know of, but I'll look into it) and no one to do it with - all my best friends live in other cities now and the only one I have here to spend time with, she never hangs out with anyone outside of school. But yeah, I want to start going places, doing things more, in the hopes that I CAN meet new people and make new friends, or just have fun alone but doing something different.

It usually means "STFU I don't care about your finding love struggles".

But in a polite and "wise-sounding" manner.

True, seems those that always say it are in happy, healthy relationships and forget the person they are saying it too was once in the position they were.

The people who say it might never even had any struggle in it, some people get into relationships so easily - so they really know nothing of it (ie. a girl who is super beautiful, or a guy who is smooth talker, handsome and well off...etc).

yeah I don't . I more of an inside person. then costs and no one to do stuff comes into play. I use to like simple daily walks where one could talk and walk.

I think I use to like to get out somewhat. but with one to do it with and continuing never to have a gf, I guess it just died mostly.

yeah here its clubs/bars, movie theaters, bowling or mini golf. thats pretty much it besides food places.

you have a female friend, are you female? if not how did you get a in person female friend o.O

It's awful to say that. Would you ever tell a jobless friend that he/she should stop looking for a job?

There is a job for everyone.


lol

I'm male.

And funny enough looking for love is what made me my first and so far only female friend.

I had a crush on this girl who goes to the same school as me, went on three 'dates' with her, for lack of a better name, she said I was in her 'possible boyfriend' zone, but let's just say it's a long, complicated story, and in the end she only wanted to be friends.

So, will you look at that. It just goes to prove that, you won't always get love if you are looking, but you just might be able to at least make friends by looking.

I've got a few female acquaintances as well, but this one girl is mainly my only female friend. Have a few male friends and aquaintances.

To be honest, this thread has made me realize just how much I am also sick and tired of hearing it, and how much I hate being told you only find love when you stop looking.

The only people that ever tell you that really are the people more successful in relationships.

In fact the last person who told me, my female friend, she is the same age as me (16/17) and has had 4 boyfriends, and right now, at this very moment she has a thing with this other guy right now as well. He likes her, she likes him, blah blah blah.

I just really don't think she understands either.

She's realized my obsession with females and only reminds me that it negatively affects my life whenever i try and ask her if she knows any nice girls I can meet.

I already know this, and I agree with her. I am well aware it does. I've had an unhealthy obsession with females that has only affected me negatively.

My problem has not been that I don't realize it affects my life negatively.

My problem is simply I have never been able to end it. I'd LOVE to stop looking for a relationship, to be honest, because I'm sick and tired of getting crushes on female after female. I just want a break and I'm getting closer to that, but not quite there yet. Halfway there I am.

But she still doesn't understand. She doesn't understand the struggles us aspies have. Only makes it worse considering her other aspie friend has already had a relationship and he is also my age, and her aspie brother had his first gf just after high school.

She has said at times over-optimistic, over-hopeful stuff like "You never know what could happen. You never know who you might meet over the weekend/holidays" etc. but I can only disagree and I am usually right when I do.

but anyway, reason I posted this forum was to discuss it. I want to decide to keep looking but make it look like I am not.

Problem is no I have always been this way. Like I said people think I am 'content'. From the very start of the year until now I have not looked desperate, I have not looked like I wanted a relationship at all, and surprise surprise, it has brought me nothing. Because I am not social enough, guess it is time to be just that.

All the loneliness I've experience this year has helped me, though. I now eat healthier, work out more, spend more time on my hobbies/interests, etc.

But the crippling loneliness has only left me feeling sad and miserable at times.

I saw my best mate for around 5 days last week, though. So that makes me feel a bit better. But it's only a matter of time before that empty loneliness hits me again..

so its one sided love relationship not a friendship. where you'd want to be with her but she just sees you as a friend.
no thanks I don't want friends who see me as too worthless to date.

No, not at all.

I'm over her now and fine with being just friends and would prefer it at this point.

She didn't feel the same, so she 'friendzoned' me. But I'm over it now and that's okay. Nothing wrong with that.

I was just criticizing her, honestly, somewhat unhelpful and general advice. I am grateful though she's done all she can to help me and give me advice.

In fact she has helped me a fair bit with my 'love life'.

I had a crush on this new girl and my new female friend helped me a lot, except the new girl was going through some stuff, and I was also going through some stuff, so it was a bad time to get involved.

But anyway, back to the girl I am friends with:

although she did not want a relationship I now feel at this point that she has brought more value to my life as a friend than she ever would have if we were dating.

That's just how i see it.

Do you really want to know the full story then?

She was bisexual and was looking specifically for a girlfriend at the time when I was pursuing her.

She was very honest about it. She said she can not feel attracted to males when looking at them. She was unsure if she still WAS attracted to males anymore or only females now.

But yeah, put it simple she could not have dated ANY guy at the time.

She even said at one point "Chances are, if I was straight, I would have tried for a relationship".

So yeah she was even questioning whether she was attracted to males or not.

And, by the time she finally figured it out, she could only see me as a friend at that point.

Which is understandable. It had been a few months now and I proved to be a great friend to her, she said she was glad she had met me and all this other stuff.

She just said she could never see me as more than a friend.

I think you've got to understand sly, sir, that not everyone is put into the friendzone on purpose.

Sometimes peoples feelings about another person just naturally change over time and I find this understandable.

I have had girls in my so called 'friendzone' as well so I can understand how she feels. It just feels too awkward, too uncomfortable the idea of dating this person now.

In a last ditch effort I asked her to be my girlfriend, just to try and see what happens, but she said she could not say yes to that because she knows she could never see me as more than a friend and it would be unfair on me.

Let's just say I got downright desperate and pathetic towards the end.

Like I said, it's a long story.

I'd prefer not to look at it as a negative situation. I've wasted too much time and too much of my life and year doing that.

I now look at it positively.

I usually make about 2-3 good friends each year, every year. Looks like she is one of them. And, she's my first female friend as well, which is something I have struggled to do in the past and finally achieved. It proves I CAN get along with females without wanting more. I DID want more, yes but now I do not.

I hate it when people say this to guys since guys are still generally expected to actively pursue.