The Choice

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It sounds like you care way too much what people think about you. You may have gathered this already, but no matter what you do, you can't please everyone. For example, feeling like you should stay with your girlfriend because you think people will think you're shallow for leaving her, vs. leaving so people won't think she's the best you can get.

Don't worry about what they think! Figure out what you want!

I think you need to work on your confidence.

And, maybe you shouldn't be with any of these girls. The girl you are with now sounds manipulative, mail order brides are a bad idea in general, and the girl at your work sounds like you have nothing in common with.

I think maybe break it off with the girlfriend if you don't like her personality. Just because she's fat doesn't mean she can't find someone else. There are plenty of people out there who like big girls, and you can't stay with someone out of guilt or shame.

I think maybe you need to spend time focusing on what you want, and forget about girls and what other people think for awhile. Then, when you feel better about yourself, you'll have the opportunity to meet someone you both find attractive AND "click" with.

I was wrong about that girl from the Philipines. She's not a mail order bride. She's legit. I've been talking to her for the last few days and I want to be with her. Tomorrow morning I will tell old GF that she's dumped because I feel like it's immoral for me to even be talking to a new girl if I still haven't told old GF that she's dumped. It's wrong for me to keep stringing her along so I will stop. Also I don't want the new girl to feel I'm cheating on her. Even though we haven't truly started a relationship yet, I know that girls want to feel special, like they're the only one their love interest in interested in.

She sent me a dear John letter with no explanation.

She didn't try to scam me, she didn't try to use me to get into the country, she just sent me a dear John letter. And now I don't have the other girl either. I'm not sure if I wanted the other girl. She may not have been right for me. Also I think it's unfair to her to make her my second choice.

I saved thousands of dollars for her Visa. I even drove partway across the country to meet her parents. They liked me. I feel like I've taken steps backwards, gone all the way backwards to the beginning. I have no idea how to proceed from here, it's like clutching at straws. I can't remember how to build a relationship from scratch. How did I do it before?

I feel lower than I've felt in a long time. I thought I had something but I guess I'm not good enough for her. Not good enough for anyone. To stupid to figure out what most other people could. I should be studying now, doing my assignments but I just can't. I feel like there's a weight on my chest.

One saving grace: at least you have the thousands of bucks.

I'm sorry this happened to you. But you are making progress. You are becoming a better person. Next time, really, meet somebody in your immediate environment. Saves lots of hassles.

Please don't just give up, my friend. Please don't. You have to go out there again. You will have more rejections. But there's that one person out there (who might not be perfect, but who is one whom you feel you good make a go of it with). Don't expect perfection. But don't settle too much, either.

Thanks. I still have the money and it's almost enough to pay off my credit card. I'll get lots more though. Without having to save for Visas I can start buying consumer electronics, try to replace the stuff that got stolen from my house. But the guys at work think I should save it for my future instead of spending it stuff that will quickly become out of date.

Even though I can see that they're right, I believe that hard work should be rewarded (with shopping). I don't like the idea of working, then living a spartan life for the sake of some distant future because it means my work seems to have no reward. But I still see how logically they are right, then I feel guilty for buying stuff.

I guess there will be more girls. I still keep feeling like I'm too old for this game. It really bugs me to see all the high schoolers making out with each other on the train, maybe I'm less mature than them. Not only are they better at dating than me but they're better academically than me. I know they must be very bright and hard working to go to the specialist secondary school, yet my high schooling consisted of slacking off, getting bad grades, acting like Jerry Lewis and running away whenever a girl asked me out.

Maybe just now I'm almost as mature and hard working as the agerage 17 year old. When I was 17 I was like a child.

I tried to find other girls. Tonight I got a reminder of just how useless those damned dating sites are. I don't want to go back with me ex (for her sake as well as mine). I suspect that maybe the new girl at work likes me but she's very ambiguous about it and I don't want to risk alienating anyone at work since I have to sit just opposite her.

I think I came very close to alienating the last girl at work I asked out so I want to be very cautious. The new girl, she smiles at me a lot but I think maybe she smiles at everyone. She talks to me a lot but that could be because she sits about two meters from me (even though she's in a different department).

She keeps giving me food, one time she gave me a candy apple. A few times she offered to go for a walk with me, a few times she offered to go to the supermarket with me. She wants me to go to her Saturday night church parties but I'm not sure if that means she wants to party with me or convert me to Catholicism. Maybe both.

Very short reply because mobile.

Regarding the girl at work, go with her to the church parties. Nothing bad should come of that so long as you are prepared for possible disappointment.

If you don't go then if she had real interest, probably she'll lose it.

It seems like she likes you.

Maybe next time try not to just settle for someone, until something hotter comes along....only pursue relationships with women you actually like and bond with. Then perhaps if you get another girlfriend you wont be as willing to drop her for something prettier.

Basically I'd just hope that doesn't become a pattern for you as it wouldn't be good for women who get involved with you...and it wouldn't be good for you. Of course perhaps you've learned all that from this already. But no need to give up even with online dating. What is it that makes you believe dating sites are entirely useless? I mean is it really a better option not to have a profile and thus no chance of meeting women through that route....I suppose I just don't get the mentality of deciding they are useless because you don't find someone in a set amount of time.

She hasn't asked me for a while. She still talks to me a lot. If she asks again I'll go. The reason I didn't want to go before was because at the time I was involved first with one girl, then the other girl, so during that time I didn't want to get too attached to yet another girl. I felt it would be unfair of me to lead her on.You're right.

I felt like I had a bond with her. I thought I could have a connection and looks.

As for the previous girl, I was looking for any excuse to dump her because I didn't feel much connection with her. I argued with her too much and our personalities were like chalk and cheese.

Before she kept asking if I wanted to dump her and when I finally did she actually seemed happy about it. She seems to like having me as a friend more than as a boyfriend. She calls me brother now.

In some ways she's a nice girl. She's nice and friendly and has an awesome sense of humour but I think it's better for me to just have her as a friend.You're right. It would be wrong of me to end a committed relationship like that but I didn't feel like I was in a real relationship because she moved to Sydney six months before. If she was really present in my life, I wouldn't just end it like that.Because it doesn't seem to work.

Most of the people I know in relationships met each other in real life. That doesn't seem to work for me. It works for them. When I meet a girl in real life I'm very bad at working out if they're interested in me or if they're even single.

Yeah, something bad came of me going to her church. Their constant attempts at converting me were aggravating and the pathetically weak arguments they used to prove God's existence were absurd to the highest degree. When I failed their test of faith they tried to blame it on me (therefore their experiment lacks falsifiability). The priest actually said the King James Version was the first English translation of the Bible. There were several English translations prior to the KJV. How can a qualified priest not know the history of the Bible? Did he get his theology degree out of a serial box?

Another guy there said the world would end before the end of 2016. Not long before he's proven wrong. Months later and this woman is still trying to convert me. She says the only reason I don't believe is because I haven't read the Gospel of John. Yes that talks about Jesus but the Gospel of John offers no proof that the Gospel of John is true. It only makes sense if you're determined to believe it beforeyou start reading it.

She seems to think the reason I don't believe is because I don't know the basic Jesus story (born in a manger, performed miracles, crucified, resurrected, etc). How can I live in a western culture and not already know that story? How can she think I don't know that story after she'd already witnessed me demonstrating that I know more biblical history than her own priest?

She tried to tell me if I don't believe I'll go to Hell for all eternity. I told her that any just God wouldn't do that. She said that since God offers people a (dichotomous) choice that means people send themselves to Hell, conveniently absolving God of all responsibility (funny how the ruler of the whole universe is never responsible for anything). She said I shouldn't say such things or I might offend God. Who knew that one so infinitely wise would also have such a thin skin?I guess now I'll never know. I came close to asking her out but one of her friends mentioned something about her boyfriend. She never mentioned having one herself.

Even if she had been single, even if she did like me, I don't think we were a good match. Yes, she's very friendly. Yes, she's a very pretty Asian girl but I can't abide constant Bible bashing. Looks aren't everything right?

Someone at church said with her blessed looks she'd brought many young men into their congregation. So is that their new recruiting method? If so it seems a bit dishonest.

I honestly feel you should break up with her because you are embarrassed about her and that isn't healthy for a relationship. You say she is controlling and you have to walk on eggshells, also not good for a relationship. Also if you are way too worried about what others will think of you, I will say work on that because that will also cause you problems too, especially in a relationship.

Since this thread was started, he's already dumped his original girlfriend, went after Filipino woman who wanted to get into the country but broke contact with him and caused him to waste a significant amount of cash, on top of being robbed (unrelated to the women), earned the money back, replaced the lost stuff, started trying to date the church-loving woman, but clearly couldn't stand it, started talking to a few other women online and on OkCupid, one being an overweight, older, but friendly Filipino woman, and another being an Aussie overweight woman he is now dating locally. Also, in another thread he recently said the first Filipino woman contacted him again from before, and from the tone of it he seems slightly unhappy with his current Aussie girlfriend and thinking about the Filipino woman again.

If it's confusing just reading that tangled mess, I'd say welcome to RetroGamer's life.

Stop proposing to and trying to engage foreign girls. You don't have to give up online dating but you might wanna think about limiting the online dates to girls you can meet up with in person.

I apologize. Probably a cultural misunderstanding. In the US, 39% of the population attends church regularly, but in general it doesn't much affect how they live their day-to-day life. To give an example, if I were single and found myself living in some small city in Texas where everybody goes to the local megachurch, I would probably go too just because everybody else does. I can guarantee you a lot of those people are just going through the motions, because it's what they've grown up with and what all their friends do. Another example is we have some long-time friends in Spain who belong to Opus Dei and we've even hung out with their crowd a few times and they have done nothing to make us uncomfortable. They're into their own thing and everyone seems to understand that.

It would seem this church you encountered is highly aggressive in its proselytizing efforts. I would not have encouraged you to hang out there, had I fully understood.

I don't blame you. You had no way of knowing.

In a way I blame myself. Perhaps I should have known that would happen. Some churches I've been too they didn't proselytize at me but that's always when I have a specific reason for going (or just invited myself).

The clue was that she wanted me to go. I should have seen that she had a motive for wanting me to go. According to her friends there, she does this a lot, she uses her good looks to lure young men into the church.

Australia may have a smaller percentage of church attendees but I can see the benefit. Church allows young people to be around other young people. It affords many the opportunity to find a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Her church puts religion first and socializing second (even though the church has two separate cafes in it (also the only time I've ever seen a church charge for afternoon tea, most of them give it to me for free)).

I've been in a number of churches and most of them have been fine. They talk about religion (which I don't mind at all) but they don't proselytise to me.

What I don't like about this church is how the use social pressures. First they "come to our church, it doesn't matter if you're an atheist" then after you've come they say "why did you come if you're going to believe in God?"

It's just like the mall stall salesman who starts talking to people so they feel too embarrassed to not buy the product because they've already started talking to them. It's like this example from Cracked.