When is it over?

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I am glad someone else feels that way. Maybe it is because my wife is an NT and I am an Aspie. From what I understand, Aspies aren't as good at abstract things as NTs are. It might be that just telling my wife I love her is enough for her to understand it, whereas I might need something more concrete, like a hug or kiss. Also, for most of my life I believed that I was ugly and unlovable, so it might be that I need reminders once in a while that I am not.

After a very tense interaction this morning, I just decided that I am going to believe that my wife likes my affectionate attempts, unless she tells me otherwise. We had a nice long conversation after that which seemed to work out well. She was really surprised by what I said yesterday and she really thinks/thought that our marriage is going very well.

She has initiated several affectionate gestures today. I guess our difference in affection comfort levels is something we are going to have to both work on.

I wouldn't say I am involved in a fling yet-we haven't even been out together outside of her work

From my perspective, I think you have mixed those up. You are complaining about NT issues, while she seems to have neurodiverse issues (intimacy-related).



Kissing (especially tongue kissing) is an NT-trait. Besides, I don't see how this has anything whatsoever to do with abstract things.



Didn't you say you have been married for 16 years?? From what you have written, it doesn't seem like your wife has called you ugly or unlovable. It only appears that you are complaining about NT issues (intimacy, compliments), while at the same time claiming your wife is NT. From my perspective, it reminds me of NT wives complaining about their Aspie husbands, only the genders are reversed.

But the worst thing about it all is that you are trying to blame your wife for your own wrong-doings with another woman. You should at least have the decency of blaming yourself for running after young women, and not your wife.

Hey ProfessorJohn.

It's over when one party no longer puts in the effort to maintain a relationship. However, based on your recent posts, it sounds like the both of you are trying, are learning about misunderstandings, and are learning how to communicate better with each other. If, at some point in the future, you decide that you don't want to be in this marriage and you'd rather explore relationships with other women, then please treat your wife with respect by telling her where you stand and breaking up with her/filing separation or divorce papers before you enter a new relationship.

I know it sounds backwards, and I often think this myself, but I am being completely honest. My wife, who is 100% NT is the one who doesn't like intimacy, while I do. I know her's is psychological, I don't know the complete details, and it really isn't my place to probe. All she has told me is that there wasn't intimacy in her family growing up. I know there is more to it than that, but that is between her and her therapist for now.

Of all of the Asperger traits out there, sensory issues is not one of the ones I really have. I don't like a lot of noise or chaos in my house, and I have problems going barefoot or wearing sandels/flip flops because I get really bothered by the feeling of dirt on my feet, but that is it, sensorywise. It doesn't bother me at all to have people touch me, hug me, french kiss me, any of that-I actually really like it.

I would think that more Aspies would be worried about receiving complements and such, since we tend to have low self esteem. It would seem that we would like that reinforcement. However, while I am an introvert, I am not a complete loner like some Aspies are. I do have attachment issues due to my adoption and some abuse, though. I also don't have the greatest fashion sense, and am too cheap to buy new clothes to keep up with the latest fashions, but have always been good about keeping up my appearance. I like to think and feel that I am attractive. Probably a low self esteem issue again.

Yes, we are working through things pretty well, but that doesn't mean that I haven't developed feelings for this other woman as well (and not just in my crotch). It is probably a good thing that I see one of my therapists Monday morning.

There seems to be a large sexual difference between men and women. The frequency my wife seems to prefer is every two to six weeks where I could go for every two to six hours. Most other men I know have a similar problem. What do women expect us to do with all this extra desire?

I keep thinking about your problem and I look at my situation where sexual activity has decreased at a steady rate since I got married. My desire for it hasn't changed one bit. Why do women loose their sex drive more than men do and what is the best way to handle it? I don't know.

Pretty much the story of my life. I know a few other males with the same problem. I have a friend who says that the number 1 cause of celibacy in women is wedding cake.

Does anyone know how long after menopause the female desire goes to 0 and that ends sex in the marriage?

I've made love to some pretty horny menopausal women. It's a myth that women lose their sexual desire at menopause. It's the symptoms of menopause itself which might cause problems. After the symptoms go away, women become willing again. They even get lubricated.

I am not real good with change, thanks to Asperger's. It would be tough to have to get into a whole new lifestyle and routine if things were to change. It would be simpler to stay married and appreciate what I have, and occasionally dream of what might have been!

Should you leave your wife of 16 years and break up your 12-yr-old's family because you like it when a shop clerk flirts with you?
Ummmmmm.....I'm gonna go with "no".

How's it going with the wife today?

I hope you kiss her fingers every day, and that she appreciates that.

Haven't really seen her today, she had pretty much left for work by the time I got up. Things yesterday were pretty good.

I don't think its necessarily an autistic/gender thing about the touchy feely stuff. Some people are more touchy and affectionate, others are less and are low maintenance, some are in-between. You have to meet each other halfway though. I am probably somewhere in-between on that scale :p

I'm also going to vote that menopause is behind this...or perimenopause or some other hormonal change. Medication can also cause hormonal changes...has your wife started any new medications in the last couple of years?

Keep in mind, hormones are interactive, especially between two partners who live together. Their hormones influence your hormones, your hormones influence their hormones. It's kind of like an electrical circuit. When a person's hormones change, it affects the way you relate to each other.

Men sometimes turn to younger women when the hormonal balance changes...and throw away a marriage and family over something that is physical and temporary. It's not worth it.

Kraftie-not sure if my wife likes finger kissing. Never tried it, but I am going to guess no.

I don't think that she has started any medications that are known to kill libidos. She isn't on any antidepressants, or other strong psychotropic medications.

When the hormones in one change, and it changes the other, is it possible to get them back in sync and back to "good" again in the marriage?

Many women love to be kissed on the hand like the knights in medieval days used to do it.

Milord....Milady!

Especially if they are above 40 years old or so.

Play the part of the gallant knight one night. Carry her over the threshold. Women like that stuff, whether they admit to it or not!

Blood pressure medicine? beta blockers? antihistamines? opioids?

Untreated high blood pressure can also lower libido, as can many other health issues.

*edit* meant to add, even basic OTC drugs like Tagamet can reduce libido