What do I do about a controlling girlfriend?

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GiantHockeyFan
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08 Sep 2015, 7:00 am

AngelRho wrote:
You have to break up with her. The girl is crazy. Girls like that are hard to get away from. The sooner you end this relationship, the better.

I was in a similar situation that dragged on for years. Don't put yourself yourself through this.


This.

I stayed with my crazy ex for about a year and a half hoping it would get better. It only got worse. She still cyber-stalks me to this day on my social media profiles even though I am getting married next year. Either way the worst thing you can do is to sit on the fence. Make a decision!



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08 Sep 2015, 3:41 pm

Feel happy you got one.

I'm not even kidding about that. If you've managed to land a woman who values her relationship with you so much she's actually willing to go through the effort of being "controlling", you should hold on to her, hold on to her like Leo DiCaprio holds on to that wooden door at the end of Titanic. The difference being you don't actually let go.



AspieOtaku
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08 Sep 2015, 6:03 pm

Hasn't anyone seen my advice? Call the animal control so they can tranquilize her tag her and relocate her or place her in an animal sanctuary, sorry if I sound like an a**hole and may be joking and trolling but to me anyone who wants to control you is nothing but an animal and should be treated that way!


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SilverStar
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08 Sep 2015, 11:57 pm

iluvgod wrote:
I have a girlfriend who is very controlling and feels like she has to have her way all the time. I work during the week and we only really get to see each other on weekends. Every single weekend, I make every effort to spend time with her. We go to dinner, take her son to the park, go to the museum, etc. However, there are times when I really do get busy because I have disabled parents at home who need my help and I also have errands and things that consume my time as well. But, anytime I get bogged down with stuff, she gets very upset at me, tells me I never spend time with her, that she's not my priority. This isn't true because I really do spend alot of time with her when I want to. Plus, anytime a friend asks me to hang out, she gets mad about that too. It's like it always has to be her way, her time, what she wants to do. I try to make time and try to make her happy, but everything I do doesn't seem to be enough for her. Also, there are times that I want to relax on my own because, having Aspergers, social interactions can be overwhelming sometimes. I don't tell her that and sacrafice that time so I can be with her because she gets mad at me. We've only been dating 4 months and it's like I'm her husband already. My parents have said not to take her business like that and that I should put my foot down and stand my ground, despite what she thinks. My girlfriend does seem to blow everything out of proportion when things come up and I can't be right then and there when she wants. They say I need to stand my ground now while my relationship is still early. There are a few factors in our relationship. She is an immagrant from Brazil and her English isn't spectacular. There are some miscommunications because of that. Plus, she has trust issues and is very insecure because of past relationships. She never trusts me in spite of my best efforts and she mistrusts me and thinks I want to do other things besides hang out with her. She even accused me of seeing other girls behind her back which is completely untrue. She is a very sweet girl and very caring. I don't want to lose her if I try and put my foot down on this. What do I do?


Your story sounds so much like mine and my last girlfriend's, it's almost unbelievable. 8O My relationship started out pretty good, but it went downhill the last couple of years, until it ended...because of these same exact issues. I was searching for explanations (because I didn't get any from her), and I came up with the idea, that she probably has Histrionic Personality Disorder, because all of these things fit her to a T. With these type of people, their needs (no matter how unrealistic they are), ALWAYS come before you and your needs. Unless a life-changing event happens with her, I don't think she will ever change.

Also, I keep hearing other members mention the weekends only thing. It's true that most "normal" couples see each other more often, but this doesn't work for everybody. If you can't be with them all the time, tell them up front, and if they have a problem with it, you both will either have to agree to a compromise, or go your seperate ways.

With my last girlfriend, we both agreed to see each other on the weekends, and sometimes during the week (we were both busy, or had other commitments, etc.), but after awhile, other family members started interfering into the relationship, and started telling her I was just using her for sex, I was probably seeing other people, and a whole bunch of other nonsense (she believed everything anybody told her).



SilverStar
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09 Sep 2015, 12:35 am

dianthus wrote:
I agree, her feelings sound normal given the circumstances. Especially if the OP hasn't explained that he has AS and needs time alone.

On the other hand, the OP's feelings about sacrificing, feeling controlled, not being able to do enough, etc., sound wildly out of sync with his description of a 4 month, weekends only, "when I want to" relationship. But those feelings make a lot more sense in regards to having disabled parents who want the OP to do what they say.


It's understandable, that someone that cares for you would want to see more of you, but if your time goes to caring for a disabled parent, then the other person needs to be reasonable and understanding about that, as well. The right person, would be right there with you, supporting you, not trying to steal you away for themselves.



budgiezilla
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09 Sep 2015, 12:43 am

Would she enjoy helping you care for your parents? It could be a bonding experience.

Or, a long-distance relationship with someone else might be better for your life right now.

Good luck, sounds like a sucky situation.



AngelRho
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09 Sep 2015, 5:55 am

AspieOtaku wrote:
Hasn't anyone seen my advice? Call the animal control so they can tranquilize her tag her and relocate her or place her in an animal sanctuary, sorry if I sound like an as*hole and may be joking and trolling but to me anyone who wants to control you is nothing but an animal and should be treated that way!

While that may be true, unfortunately this advice, even taken seriously, isn't going to be all that helpful.

Don't feel bad…my advice isn't all that helpful, either. The reason is that most people want to hang on to their relationships, rehabilitate them if they can, and stay together through any means necessary. When two people are married and the relationship is otherwise healthy, breaking up is most often a bad idea because the issues threatening the relationship are comparatively minor. Adultery is pretty much a get-out-of-jail-free card for the offended and can ruin the offender's life. HOWEVER, people can and do forgive. So depending on how livable the situation is for both involved, you can get past cheating. Domestic violence creates a totally unlivable situation, because it places the victim in the position that his or her life is threatened.

In other words, a committed relationship in which behaviors are taken to such extremes that the union is unlivable is about the only situation not worth fighting for.

If you're NOT married, you bear no such commitment. You can walk away any time for any reason. You don't like the fact that she had a bad hair day on April 28. Kick her to the curb. I'm not saying you SHOULD do something like that, I'm just saying that the reason ultimately doesn't matter. Maybe the relationship is worth saving, maybe it isn't. Maybe it's worth fighting to keep it together, maybe it's not. The point is you don't even need a reason if you want to end the relationship. If you don't even need a reason, why are things like "She cussed my mom" really so difficult? It's just that simple. You meet a sweet girl. Things are going great. You get into a relationship. She shows her true insanity colors. You dump her and quietly but firmly suggest to her she seek counseling and maybe even medication for her issues. Oh, and if she so much as looks in your direction from the other side of the street, you're calling the police.

"But we're in loooooooooove…" So freakin' what? You'll fall in love with the next girl. And the next girl. And so it will go as long as it takes until you find a decent SANE person you can spend the rest of your life with. Now, if dating miserable people with deep-seated mental/emotional issues is what does it for you, go with my blessing. Just don't expect much sympathy from people!



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12 Sep 2015, 6:08 pm

SilverStar wrote:
It's understandable, that someone that cares for you would want to see more of you, but if your time goes to caring for a disabled parent, then the other person needs to be reasonable and understanding about that, as well. The right person, would be right there with you, supporting you, not trying to steal you away for themselves.


The right person doesn't have the chance to be reasonable and understanding, if their partner isn't communicating openly, which the OP is not doing.