Dateless virgin, worried?

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Sorry Ecomatt91, I think we've entered the death spiral that these microananysis always fall into.

If you being outgoing, it must be that your being too desperate. You should lay back and relax.
If you're being laid back, it's too much. You should act more interesting, but not too aggressive, but also not too passive, but also not over-interested.....

Are you acting desperate? Without a video, audio, or transcript of all you interactions no one can tell. And I'll lay good odds that even if we magically had those things, you'd have some people telling you to be less passive, and others telling you to be less aggressive or to seam less desperate. There is no international standards committee for this.

In most cases, I think the desperation explanation is really a cop-out. It perfectly vague, so you don't have to point to any one action and say "*That's* the desperation showing." Even if you are acting desperate (whatever that means to the person saying it), that doesn't explain or excuse the flakiness that you've been describing, so I'm inclined to discount that explanation.

It's usually just the default when the person doesn't actually know how to help you.

Persevere. That's the best I can tell you right now. On top of all the good and bad advice out there, it's still a numbers game.

I humbly agree. This is what I kind of meant. He may be having clearly obsessive thoughts over a relationship judging by the forum posts but I also believe his desperation may not be showing at all.

It's all about giving us a description of what his interactions are like. Ecomatt, like some others have said, perhaps you should consult friends on how you come across.

It's worked for me. I thought I was clearly coming across as social and eager to meet people, but a friend said they believe that while I did come across as confident, assured and funny, I seemed completely 'content' with my life. And I am a very ambitious person who loves setting and going after goals but I come across as more of the 'relaxed' and 'go with the flow' 'drifter' types. So I upped my game. Good luck.

Well lately when I consulted with my friends they highlighted the stuff as what you mentioned in bold. They telling me I am positive, sensitive and caring kind of person. It comes to their attention instead of focusing on my disabilities. They want me to stay as much as I want to be this kind of person it is the better the women approach me. I am sure I do love myself like right now I am doing my uni work and being on my own on a Friday night not feeling antisocial but made a choice to focus on myself for a night. I did went to board games fun night last night so yes it is a balance.

They kept telling me it is so hopeful and confident to see me something emerge into a brighter world that they would like me to live in. They aren't jealous, but I believe they enjoy my company in a similar way. I assume people feel happy when seeing other people being happy too. I can see this women loves this. So I guess I am luckier now.

Love this post! I too think the word 'desperate' should be banned in the dating world. What does it even mean??? I was told I was desperate all the time, mostly because I was willing to give any reasonable person a chance. If I was "desperate" I would have gone back to my psycho ex!

Here's the bottom line: maybe you could be a little more 'masculine' in your approach but the bottom line is this: it's THEIR issue they are flaky (young women under 30 are notorious for this, especially online) and it's simply not yet your time. Keep your head up, get away from this forum and relax: I can almost guarantee you will find what you are looking for. Besides, someone once told me I was too quiet, another told me I was too loud and cocky so you simply just can't win that game.

I want to remain optimistic that having Aspergers should not make it hopeless for a guy to get a girlfriend

Oh come on. I can't go like that! It sounds like giving up. Everytime when I am positive happy and that I easily get turned down. What is wrong with positivism?

I want, in not desperate way of having a relationship or fwb depending on circumstances. I am active social and sports person. So what is wrong here? I don't go upfront to women and ask them out. I haven't asked anyone out for a while. Been like twice this year.

I know how it feels to want to do things your own way as well. Me, I am a non-conformist who refuses to obey 'traditional' social rules for making friends or getting a relationship but by bending the rules.

Anyway, you don't sound desperate, just depressed/saddened that what you're doing is bringing no results.

Question, how good are you at noticing if a female is ever interested in you first?

I think considering just how social you are and just how much you go out, there'd have to be some female out there that has shown an interest in you, and maybe you just aren't picking it up.

It doesn't have to be a woman interested in dating you or one that has a crush on you.

I just mean any interest.

For example, when i started to become more confident and also started working out and caring more for my appearance, it seemed that almost every single time I would go out and do somehting outside of the house, 99% of the time if I came acrros teenage girls I would get attention. Looks, stares, etc. All these possible chances for me to approach a girl, chat her up and flirt. Most of these opportunities I could not undertake however because it would have been inappropriate (she would have been with her family, me with my family, not enough time to strike up a convo because one has to leave, etc.) there was one case where it was possibly mutual. I was with my father and she was with her mother. Just ordering food at a restaurant. I stood in a confident kind of stance, showing off my chest. I am pretty sure I was getting some looks but I tried not to make eye contact so not too sure. When I was sitting down however there were possibly mutual looks towards one another. Anyway, yeah.

So, OP: Are you really sure you actually haven't gotten any female attention before? Really?

There are always situations I come across who appear to be interested in me like being too nice and touching early in stage of friendship. Then turns out wrong every single time. I just dont even understand one thing! Frustrated to be so dateless virgin fckwit. Its killing me every single time when turned down. Before I realised something, I don't even knew the scenario is wrong. Gosh why women hates me a lot. I didn't do anything.

The meaning of nice and the touching in early stage of friendship is inherently subjective. You almost need to know the person's usual behavior to interpret what it means.

One girl might be naturally bubbly, outgoing and tactile, whereas another might be a bit shy and non-tactile. A hug and a peck on the lips from the former likely doesn't mean she likes you as anything but a friend (she's like that with everybody), whereas the latter choosing to sit next to you at a table with empty seats likely does mean she likes you (it's unusual for her to want to be that close to anybody).

Even so with that said, it can still be difficult.

Though I do know where you are coming from.

You could say I had this with my ex. She showed no clear signs of liking me back at all, however there were a few interesting things to note. 1. She doesn't trust males and usually dislikes men. 2. However, her friend (also my friend) told he that I can be trusted, and my ex said "Hmm...I'll think about that" which was unusual for her. Not only that, but our mutual friend told me she noticed that my ex was warming up to me and very quickly too in a surprising amount of time. I kept thinking in the negative and that it was not going to work or happen, however it did, and I am happy it did only for it to end 12 days later after she broke up to me due to me being such a good boyfriend I made her realize she isn't ready for a relationship and she had also just plain lost her feelings for me.

But yeah only signs she did like me at least as a friend was, for a male, I really was something 'different' I guess because even if she had never flirted or any of that stuff she treated me more positively than any other male she usually does.

But anyway, it's best the OP not worry about mistakes in the past, it seems to really be what's making him feel negative right now especially.

So, OP: I am not referring to your past, but preferring that you think about the present and future. If females have shown interest in the past, then in the present you could focus on seeing when a clear mutual interest is there and going after it. However, it appears from what you say you dont think women show interest in you much (you and me both), so I don't know what else to say.

Honestly, OP, sir, to me it is good news and bad news. I feel like I have finally found a kindred spirit, someone similar to me. Like I have made clear many times, I am a confident, social aspie always working on being nice to others, being funny, meeting new people and making new friends. I have found so much success but am still just not satisfied with what I have because even if I have some good friends at school, I also want friendships outside of school. I had one ex-girlfriend and a short relationship with her.

Anyway, I'm happy I've at least finally found someone I feel similar to. I am the happy, confident guy, I been working on my looks and hygiene and social skills, I eat healthy and workout so am trying to get a more decent looking body, etc. I have been keeping this up all year now. At school I am not shy, bullied or loser. I am considered funny and charming and actually pretty good at making people laugh or being liked by others. But it has all come to nothing.

This is why I want to help but at the same time find it hard/cannot - because I am going through the exact same things right now.

That is what they always say to negative or sad people. "You need to work on your own life, you need to become happy, healthy, positive person before good things will happen".

But what about when you ARE the happy, positive person and it brings you NOTHING?

So, we have two examples so far: Ecomatt, and Outrider.

Maybe we should find other people like us Ecomatt to add to the list. People who have tried everything, are doing all the right things, and still failing. It might even be a way to make new friends or meet someone to date who knows what we're going through. I can't even tell if I am being serious or not anymore...hahaha.

Hate the feeling of being in this situation. Its so bloody shameful and tomfoolery. Can't believe why the who I am is being like this. Its so ignorant and that.

So sick and tired of living older and older becoming the world record idiot. I don't understand why I can't attract women. Even when I am being positive and proactive, the results still a same. Fken Asperger.

ya, I remember one person said to me:

"Males have evolved to be the pursuers in nature. You can see this from monkeys to frogs. The males pursue the females in most of the species on the planet."

sadly, strangely, I never felt like I had that hunter instinct inside of me

I had a noticeable increase in positive attention when I made very slight changes to my posture. I also started leaving my hands visible at all times rather than tucking them under the table because I heard somewhere this was effective at building trust. Unbelievably it worked! I know my Fiancee made me feel 'irrationally' on edge when we first started dating and guess where her hands were? Under the table! Crazy, but so far it has worked wonders for me in all areas of life so it couldn't hurt to try.

I tired all the usual volunteering, workouts, etc and they had no affect but this hands on the table thing? Can't argue with results!


You too? I swear I have zero 'hunting' instincts although plenty of nurturing instincts. Maybe I was a mother in my past lives

ya, people say we are meant to be with eachother, meant to have an opposite sex companion, I wish people weren't so optimistic like that