Innocent things that can mistakeenly seen as creepy?

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Lukeda420
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01 Oct 2015, 7:40 am

GiantHockeyFan wrote:

I would say to just stop worrying about being a 'creep' and just be yourself. For example, I creeped a girl out when I offered to help her move after the second date. Where I grew up, that was considered perfectly normal just as it was weird to see people close and lock their doors during the day here.

It took a while, but I eventually found someone who loves and appreciates my generous nature.

I think you're right. The thing is I know this intellectually, but the anxiety is still there. I'm working on that though.

Something we should try to keep in mind is that a lot of people just suck and they will respond negatively no matter what. A lot of the time we are not the problem, it's the other person.

MissZahara
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01 Oct 2015, 8:03 am

SwissPagan wrote:

MissZahara wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

SwissPagan wrote:

MissZahara wrote:

SwissPagan wrote:

Lukeda420 wrote:

One thing that really makes me anxious about approaching women is that I don't want to make someone uncomfortable or make them think I'm creepy. I know I'm overblowing this in my mind a bit but it really drives a lot of my anxiety. Are there any things guys do that are completely innocent but are mistakenly seen as creepy? How do you feel when someone politely asks you out?

I personally worry that the approach itself can come off as creepy, hence why I try not the be the one approaching. I don't know, do this change after you become an adult? because I have not tried approaching since high school.

Every girl has a different standard for what will trigger her creep-o-meter, so there's no 100% guaranteed non-creepy way to approach a girl. Polite + graciously accepting a "no" (should you get one), is all you can do.

FWIW, if the girl likes you she will likely be willing to overlook little creepy-ish gaffes. It'll be endearing rather than a dealbreaker.

that's kinda the catch 22, the only difference between hitting on or approaching being creepy depends purely on if the girl is already attracted to you. which most apsies would have little to no way to detect. I mean I have seen the most slimy douchy guys with some of the skeesiest pickup lines, even I was repulsed, and I was just watching, yet for whatever f*****g reason it worked. now the said thing is, this dude with synthetic hair, tan and facial expressions somehow "got the girl" and to think you have to become that gross and insult the intelligence of the girl and yourself with a gross pick up line, that is why i could never handle the PUA s**t...

An certain instructor in my gym *only* helps the highly physically attractive and slim girls (who don't really need that much exercising), he completely ignores men, not-in-shape women and old ladies lol, everyone noticed that - and I often see him "cuddling" them "jokingly" - today I have seen him helping one of those to lift a weightless bar.

He's so creepy! His entire focus on the same category of attendees is so unprofessional and creepy , yet these girls giggle with him because ...well... he's physically hot. :lol:

Keep in mind that there is no objective standard for creepy - what one woman funds creepy, another might find sweet.

The catch-22 isn't really a catch-22. As an Aspie, it's safe to assume you're missing lots of social cues. So what you see as a slimy, creepy guy with awful fake hair and a terrible pick up line getting the girl, may well be something else entirely from the girl's perspective. Like, the girl sees that SAME guy as doing a hilarious riff on Zoolander or something and thinks it's a hoot to play along. You don't know. You can't know. As an Aspie, there's an excellent chance you lack the skills to ever know.

The girl at the gym looking for a hot hookup? To her, the extra attention from the hot gym instructor isn't the least bit creepy. Or unprofessional.

Since the creep-o-meter is a subjective, moving target, all you can do is be polite + graciously accept the "no" if you get one.

It might also help to keep in mind that even if the guy gets the girl's number, there's maybe a 50% chance he'll call. If he does, there's a 50% chance she'll accept, if she does, a 50% chance it'll be fun enough that they both agree to go out again. There's a HUGE amount of rejection inherent in the dating process. For everybody. Including NTs.

"Since the creep-o-meter is a subjective, moving target, all you can do is be polite + graciously accept the "no" if you get one. "

yeah... accept for everything I saw in college, guys who were successful, were anything but polite and gracious,a dn those already in a relationship, treated their girlfriend like s**t. one actually tried to beat her and I had to stop em, and they STILL were together even after that.

it really sucks that the creep-o-meter is subjective, since you don't know or can't know anything about a complete stranger, hence you have no point of reference in which to start from.

In college, pretty much everybody's really young and really stupid when it comes to relationships -- it is sort of inevitable since everybody's 18-21 and usually away from home the first time.

(The staying-with-the-abusive-boyfriend is a broken picker thing and surely not representative of how the majority of college kids tend to date).

I had a new boyfriend every, like, three months in college. Hot alone is fun for two-three months max. The drama of on-off relationships is fun at 18-19. It takes most folks a while to figure out that pointless drama's just exhausting + hot dopey boyfriend are boring, so what looks like bad relationships to grownups is often what that 18-21 yo wants out of a relationship at the time.

Peacesells
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01 Oct 2015, 8:37 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

He/she can also be considered arrogant for thinking that they have a chance.

SwissPagan
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01 Oct 2015, 8:42 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Most people have partners....get married, nice or not.

You are just focusing on the jerks having relationships; you shouldn't invest so emotionally in their gfs.

well, its rather just the frustration of; you are trying to be the best you can be and hoping to be noticed for it without being forward, (which equals creepy when it wants to apparently) and yet, here are complete pieces of s**t succeeding where I fail, and everyone's advice is basically to be what you have been doing the entire time to to NEVER do the skeezy guys are doing yet the skeezy guys get results, so what the hell? why give people that advice if it CLEARLY is incorrect? I just feel its us aspies that are self-conscious enough to worry how we are perceived by others knowing that we are different, so we try to be the best we can, when in reality, that sounds only good on paper, not in practice. I am not saying, 'hey I am not desperate enough to become my former roommate who beat his girlfriend,' but I just want the lies to stop. I have spent so much of my life trying to keep my self at a distance and my feelings in check out of fear of appearing creepy or vulnerable and and being stigmatized as such. now I am at an age where I should have no excuse to be shy and yet I still am. again, this is not nearly as bad when the girl makes the first move, but only internationals seem to do that.

Venger
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01 Oct 2015, 8:49 am

Peacesells wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

He/she can also be considered arrogant for thinking that they have a chance.

Not making advances could possibly be considered confidence as well then, depending on the guy(i.e. he may be much cooler than she is)

SwissPagan
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01 Oct 2015, 8:52 am

MissZahara wrote:

"(The staying-with-the-abusive-boyfriend is a broken picker thing and surely not representative of how the majority of college kids tend to date)."

ehhhh... my college was pretty garbage... hell... in addition to stopping my roommate, my neighbor and I had a rescue a ruphied girl from a frat party... then another time I joined a halloween party and for whatever reason they freaked out and f*****g tried to kill me. and then like three frats started offering free drinks for girls in color coded cups... I mean... f**k... f**k that place...

SwissPagan
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01 Oct 2015, 8:53 am

Venger wrote:

Peacesells wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

He/she can also be considered arrogant for thinking that they have a chance.

Not making advances could possibly be considered confidence as well then, depending on the guy(i.e. he may be much cooler than she is)

yeah, if girls ever made the first move...

Peacesells
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01 Oct 2015, 9:01 am

SwissPagan wrote:

Venger wrote:

Peacesells wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

He/she can also be considered arrogant for thinking that they have a chance.

Not making advances could possibly be considered confidence as well then, depending on the guy(i.e. he may be much cooler than she is)

yeah, if girls ever made the first move...

Oh but they do, just not with guys like us, in general.

The_Face_of_Boo
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01 Oct 2015, 9:12 am

Hmm SwissPagan, calm down.

Here the thing: humans are visuals.

And women are not really in general less visual than men (it's a popular myth to say so)

There was a dating experiment of a fake profile with a hot girl pictures yet the content of profile reflects a horribly entitled and psycho personality - yet she received tons of advances; so many guys are no better just to say.

Let me put it in that way:

-A hot looking guy will always get admirers whether he has a bad personality or a nice one. And a lot of questionable things he does would be more likely justified and overlooked (even cases of misogyny); like how MissZahara explained about the gym instructor case

- An average guy though, would have a much less chance if he's being jerk. His looks won't save him.

So you better not to be a jerk.

SwissPagan
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01 Oct 2015, 9:20 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

that's the thing, i am not being a jerk, I don't like jerks, so I never am one. but here is the thing, the jerks I mentioned, the borderline dysfunctional violent guys, not really lookers... so what the hell?

The_Face_of_Boo
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01 Oct 2015, 9:37 am

Are you sure they aren't perceived as hot by their gfs?

You are a straight male so you so wouldn't know.

Don't they generally look strong, toned, manly and such?

Lukeda420
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01 Oct 2015, 9:56 am

I agree with what SwissPagan is saying. A lot of disgusting douche bags are successful despite an average looking appearance. If it were as simple as looks then I shouldn't be having any problems. I've been told many times that I'm not unattractive and I've been complimented by people on this site as well.

Also Boo I disagree with you, I think men are more visually oriented then women. That doesn't mean women disregard looks entirely but they are much more likely to then males are.

It would be nice if culturally it wasn't expected that men have to do all the work when it comes to initiating a relationship. Things are changing but it us an excruciatingly slow process.

Spiderpig
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01 Oct 2015, 10:16 am

There are 11 kinds of people:

1) those who can afford to be jerks and are;

2) those who can afford to be jerks, but somehow choose not to;

3) those who can't afford to be jerks, but are anyway, suffering dire consequences;

4) those who can't afford to be jerks and are not;

10) those who don't understand base five;

11) those who think I'm not aware neither of these two last items in the list is mutually exclusive with any of those above it.

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01 Oct 2015, 10:25 am

Peacesells wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

He/she can also be considered arrogant for thinking that they have a chance.

I've had conventionally attractive males on occasion express interest, but that's not what I was looking for so meh....mostly because those all came off as squares or creepily 'normal'.

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Peacesells
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01 Oct 2015, 10:31 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Are you sure they aren't perceived as hot by their gfs?

You are a straight male so you so wouldn't know.

Don't they generally look strong, toned, manly and such?

It might be that they are very confident, very social and not boring. If the guy is not social/is boring/is not confident it will be harder for him to find a gf, jerk or not.

Sweetleaf
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01 Oct 2015, 10:39 am

Lukeda420 wrote:

Somehow I imagine a lot of these successful disgusting douchbags, probably have disgusting douchebag girlfriends to match. But yeah I think the whole cultural norm of guys making the first move needs to go....but then I don't really like trying to force gender roles. Also then perhaps guys who have trouble making the first move wont get crap for not being masculine enough or whatever.

Of course I would also hope if that norm goes away it doesn't mean any woman who doesn't make the first move is seen as some b*tch who just thinks shes too good for everyone...after all I am sure I am not the only autistic/neurodiverse person who cannot initiate interaction with people I don't know...including guys I think are attractive. I might look at them or attempt to be more visible if I want to interact but I cant approach them and start talking.

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