MissBearpolar wrote:
Outrider wrote:
I agree with Marshall.
A lot of opeople say the advice of 'don't worry about looking for love, just focus on your own life and your own things/love yourself first' or whatever other rubbish.
I disagree with it.
Put it this way: It's lonely at the top.
Truth is doing other things with your life is just what I would like to call a 'temporary distraction' to a long term problem.
For example, you might decide instead of moping about being depressed, you take-up a new hobby/interest.
You might enjoy this hobby and this brings you happiness, you might even learn to be extremely skilled at it, but, again, it's just a temporary distraction to a long-term problem - your loneliness.
Taking up a hobby/interest isn't going to cure your loneliness.
In somecases it might, but it REALLY depends on the hobby/interest.
It is a myth that you will instantaneously meet like-minded individuals who share your passion - not every hobby/interest is common, many are obscure/non-mainstream and many don't involve meeting other people at all.
Sure sports and reading are good ones because you can join a club/group but if your hobby is philosophy and you want real-life friendships/relationships (not online) what hope is there for you? The internet might be your only chance (and yes this is coming from someone interested in philosophy).
Anyway, and if you stop focusing on seeking love/friendships but only focus on your goals in life, what good will that bring you?
I could be a six-figure earning psychologist, and independent musician, writer and actor in my free-time, along with being in good physical and mental health (which is basically some of my dreams/goals for life) but will it cure my loneliness? Well no, not at all if I have no friends and no relationship. And this is coming from an extremely ambitious-minded person - your goals/aspirations do not take priority over your personal relationships, rather they are equal - the people in your life are just as important as the things in your life.
Like I said, it's lonely at the top.
At the same time, I also believe you can be happy without a relationship, anf you don't need love to be happy, and I am capable of doing this plenty of the time, but at the same time no, it's impossible to not feel lonely if you are just that - lonely.
I can say with confidence that I am generally happy. But I do still feel loneliness and other negative emotions a lot.
I disagree. I see loving oneself as being content or doing the stuff that will help ensure you are pretty content with your lot in life. That's 100% in your control.
Finding a partner? Not entirely in your conrol, so making your contentment contingent upon something that may never ever happen is a recipe for long-term unhappiness.
Also, finding a partner isn't a magic wand that fixes everything -- even if you do luck out and find the man/woman of your dreams who loves you back, that alone will not magically cure your issues with feeling confident/capable, employment, social skills, etc.
I will say right now, that i absolutely hate the idea of contentment. I am an extremely ambitious and goal-oriented person who always wants to achieve bigger and better things than what I have now. I am grateful for what i have now, yes, but I will never settle for content.
And no, I don't rely on a relationship as the only thing that will make me happy and don't expect it to fix everything.
But at the same time, nothing else will 'fix everything' either, when you really think about it.
Employment will not cure loneliness, it won't always help improve social skills, it will probably not improve your social life, it will actually give you LESS time for hobbies/interests, etc.
While improving your confidence/social skills will not get you a job, it will not help you improve at your hobbies/interests depending on what they are.
Meeting new friends and seeking a relationship may not always improve your social skills, it won't get you employment, etc.
My point is no 'category of life' can fix the others - being in a relationship won't fix all your problems or make you happy, but doing other things won't either.
This is my point. I am doing other things. My priorities in life right now are employment, education, social skills/confidence, hobbies/interests, and the beginning of adulthood, and physical/mental health? Am I any happier?
No, because I feel LONELINESS. Materialistic things aren't going to cure that - making new friends or having a relationship will.
And I might have better social skills then I used to and am much more confident, but it goes to waste if you don't even have people to USE your newfound skills on.
It's basic logic - to get what you want, you have to do something that will get it. Loneliness is caused by not having people in your life that matter to you (and you matter to them). Therefore, to cure loneliness, you must logically seek people who matter to you and you matter to them. Learning an instrument won't cure loneliness. Nor will writing a novel. Nor getting a job. Nor will earning a degree online. Nor will eating healthy and exercising, etc. These things might help make you a more likeable person, but again, why even bother to be likable if there's no one in your life TO like you (yet)?
02 Nov 2015, 8:54 pm
[Well, I do when I'm not self-deprecating...] 
