Dating websites are not for males - scientific proof.

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One guy taking 3 women on the same date seems unrealistic. It's more realistic to say that all of those guys were dating the same 30 women, and that the women eventually chose one of the men to date exclusively. Most of the successfully-married women I've known have dated several guys before deciding which guy was "the one" - certainly not all on the same date; but one at a time over the course of a year.

Regardless of the dynamics, the fact remains that men outnumber women on Internet dating sites by about 100 men to 1 woman; but in the end, it comes down to 1 man and 1 woman - an equal ratio, with the same numbers of men and women being successful.

There's a lot of fear and insecurity that goes into it, obviously I don't want to be rejected and humiliated. I know that's the same for anyone but I've never really been a person who felt like you could hide behind a computer screen and even less so now, to me working up the courage to reach out to someone online can be just as hard if not harder than real life because in real life you have proximity + you'll at least get some sort of response negative or positive. Nothing can be worst than silence.

Online dating probably isn't right for anyone with self-esteem issues, man or woman. I don't know what is tho, it's kind of hopeless. There is so much I have to do as a person to get a point where I am functional, I would identify as disabled and it just really pains me thinking that. The reality is most the population given the information would reject me without any other detail besides being on the spectrum so it is very hard to feel any value as a person when barely nobody wants to talk to you let alone be friends or have some any sort of relationship with you. I don't know why my brain doesn't work the way it should, I know I don't hold up my end of things and I realize that in retrospect being so limited by my rigidity and anxiety has ruined every friendship and relationship I ever had and killed so many before they ever started. I think about the past a lot and blame myself quite a bit for my current predicament, no point I guess but I am very aware of myself probably too much so. It's just a very frustrating isolated place I find myself in and to feel like you just don't have the tools to change is very very depressing.

I think you make a good point, but on male to female numbers on dating sites, incase you missed it from Stargazer43:

http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/the-c ... der-woman/

It's about how older women get left out of the 'looking for' stuff. Pertinent point:



11 women for every 9 men. I make that to be 1222 women for every 1000 men.

Well then, I stand corrected.

An 11:9 F/M ratio actually does mean that men are (theoretically) at the advantage. Men can afford to be a little more picky, and two out of every eleven women will (theoretically) be left out.

It also means that the OP's claim that "dating websites are not for males" is an invalid claim.

I think you might want to consider recalibration your rejection sensors for online dating: expect silence + be pleasantly surprised if you get a response. Any response. Most people get silence from most of the people they initially contact via online dating sites - so it's not just you who doesn't hear back from most people they contact. It's everybody (except the very prettiest/handsomest folks, less than around 5% of all profiles).

Even with IRL dating there's a huge amount a rejection -- if a guy asks for my number at, say, a mutual friend's party, there's a 50% chance he will call. There's a 50% chance that I'll accept if he does (what was a fun convo tipsy at 1:30 AM doesn't necessarily translate into having anything to talk about sober at 7:30 PM on Wednesday). If we go out, there's about a 50% chance we both have enough fun to want to it a second time.

The fact that people get together, ever, is a fairly major miracle.

Maybe 1 in 10 guys I meet I think are cute (that's over-estimating, big time) - and that's before considering whether they're single, straight, speak English. Assuming 1 in 10 guys I meet think I'm cute... there's a 1 in 100 chance we mutually find each other attractive. Before singleness, straightness, etc.



Maybe dating isn't for anyone with self-esteem issues. I feel like a great big idiot most of the time and have chosen to accept it as my baseline (because the alternative, i.e. Freaking out about it) is way worse.

Also, I now have evidence that the world does, in fact, continue to spin on its axis of someone I like doesn't like me back or once loved me and then changed their mind (i.e. Dumped me). It's comforting. I didn't actually die of rejection or heartbreak (though it sure felt like it at the time).



If you think it's hopeless, it likely is. If you don't want to be you, it's pretty unlikely anybody will want to be with you.



You have the option of outing the fact that you're on the spectrum into your profile. If someone doesn't wanna date you as a result, you'd rather know that sooner rather than later, yes?

Something like 1 in 57 people are on the spectrum, so surely that means there's a pretty big pool of ND girls to choose from (and some NTs are likely to be cool with a ND guy too).



So what if you don't currently have the tools to cope with relationships? You can acquire them.

Anxiety can be managed with therapy, meds or a combination thereof.

Rigidity can be somewhat mitigated (and addressing anxiety will likely help that).

Whatever esoteric interests you've got, there's likely a club / meet up / FB group devoted to it.

There are social skills groups and therapy out there - your local community care/disability office can point you in the right direction.

There isn't that much out there for adults here or if there is I don't know how to access it I guess, everything goes to about 19 years of age or 22 at the latest. For as big of metro area as this is, there really isn't groups I can find. Everything is like parents and children. I am on medication but that merely treats some symptoms without changing the underlying condition so it is always around the corner, I've been with VR for several years, finding therapy has been a challenge. Medicaid just sucks, not much more to say than that. I think there is probably a stigma with men on spectrum, just based on casual observation it seems like most women on the spectrum (remember the skewed ratios too) prefer to find an NT partner to get them out of their shells which makes total sense.

I wouldn't say I don't try because I am killing myself just trying to be functional normal person but I don't try as far initiating pretty much anything on my own. It's just too hard and I don't know how, I panic and then make a fool of myself, most people I think believe I am on drugs which I guess I am. I figure rejection at this point would be too harmful, and just to clarify for any potential harpies there is no entitlement here or anything like that. Any anger I have gets directed at myself and the figures with in.

So you can assure us that we have ten toes?
I don't know about pedestal, but i'd think everyone wants to feel that they are special to the person they're in a relationship with.

Two things..

One - thank you Hopper for stepping in on the original comments.

Two - the "proof" has already been refuted as..not science based. But there also is the point seemingly overlooked (or perhaps it is synonymous to some...) Getting a date and/or being contacted does not mean you're finding a life match or even a quality one- which for many women is the point of trying these places - e.g. okcupid aka oklove, not oklaid.

There are a decent amount of men on these sites that contact a variety of women - looking just for sex.. Meanwhile, I dare say that a decent amount of women there are looking for a relationship, or dates beyond just sex. Were all of the men just looking for relationships, i have no evidence, but find it a pretty safe assumption that the quantity of female contactees would decrease.

Additionally, there is a societal push* - that the male should be the instigator of such contact. This does not change because it's the internet. People of both sexes have been taught this and as such, there are both males and females that feel uncomfortable with a female instigator.

*a tangent, but i would actually argue that it's more than societal teaching, but is remnants of a biological imperative.

The article mentions conversational skills, not flirting skills. As a bisexual female who has been on online dating sites and received messages from both males and females, I can concur that there is a difference overall in the level of conversational skills, and yes the men (as a generalisation) could do with an "upgrade" as they call it.

Rarely would I get an opening message from a female that consists of simply "hi", "hey how r u", "hi u horny" or "you are so beautiful", but men seem to send a lot of these.

If your conversational skills online are fine, then this article is not talking about you. But it's saying that there are many men who will struggle as they lack the online conversational skills that women are looking for when interacting with someone. These men could try to improve this skill and may have more success.

(Also your data is wrong, it was 63% of 18-25yo and 73% of 26-35yo.)

100000fireflies - thanks. It keeps me busy.

I also think it's forgotten that the corollary of the notion that men have to make contact first is that women have to wait to be contacted.

And once again many males still do find relationships online....and even 73% of surveyed women from dating sites in general doesn't describe all women on dating sites across the board. Also, survey statistics aren't actually scientific proof.

I mean if guys are incapable of clicking an interesting profile, typing a message and clicking the send button then I guess these sites aren't for them. But if you can type messeges and send them to people dating sites are an option to meet people. Also though I am sick of these threads trying to generalize all women on dating sites, I used a dating sites and wasn't expecting any throne of course it was necessary they kept up conversing with me if I responded to their initial message or sent them the first one or else it can't go anywhere but that is about all I expected there. And well I don't think I am so unique I am the only female who's used those sites who doesn't fit your generalization.

Yes that is due to long going social norms of guys initiating which has not been eradicated yet and probably wont be for quite some time. One can whine about it or go ahead and send messeges...since if your a guy making a profile and then just passively waiting probably isn't going to be effective. I sent a few messages to guys and didn't get any responses back from them so then I reserved to mostly just respond to interesting messages and like peoples profiles i liked that showed up in the matches thing or whatever.

But what because some guys demand they should get dates just by setting up a profile and passively waiting? that means dating sites are specifically designed not to be used by guys?

It's a little harder than just typing a message and pressing send, you have to literally send hundreds of messages to pretty much anybody you'd swipe right on just for one response which will likely go no where even if they do respond. It's a pretty insane juggling act to have to send out these hundreds of messages while at the same time being genuinely interested in all these people, maybe if all you are interested in is looks or just getting laid you could do that but it seems like such a mountainous effort and to me just reeks of desperation. I suppose a lot of us you could say are desperate but I've never liked the appearance of it and I doubt anyone else does. The silence and rejection hurt a lot, I need to work a lot on my self esteem and where I am in life.

I think the reality is I'm probably not equipped for a normal relationship at this point in my life, I'd like one but realistically I think even making a genuine effort at this time probably wouldn't result in success and would be setting myself up to be crushed and I don't think I can handle that at this point in my life. I don't think it's even so much a complete lack of social skills(altho I'm sure I have plenty to work on) but rather the anxiety disorder and how my self esteem has so eroded. I feel like my social intelligence matured at a much different and ultimately later rate than it does everyone else if that makes sense, if feel like my current situation is so bad because of that delay. There was simply a time where I didn't think or feel the way I do now, I was I would say person, maybe I was happier before I dunno but things can't stay the same. I'd say there was some childhood trauma and challenging surroundings but I never really was an unhappy child certainly not depressed but now... It sucks since it's hard doing things on your own, not experiencing life, it's very depressing which in turn is a very vicious cycle. Hopefully I can get my s**t together one day but I already fear that I'm nearing the point of no return, it's just nothing ever seems to work out for me and I have a real problem with coping with disappointment. Pretty much my mantra in life is to never get your hopes up, never get excited, never get yourself worked up for anything at for risk that it blows up in your face. Maybe its more ingrain personality problems I dunno, forever where I'm at now would be hard to take.

Unless there's some polygamy going on, just as many men as women are finding romance.

please, tell us more about how the eeevil wimminz are ruining it for the men...

In all seriousness, one thing that my parents' divorce taught me is that the fact that two people don't belong together, and can't get along as a couple, does not mean that either one of them is necessarily a bad person. Neither women nor men are interchangeable cogs that just come in varying shapes and colors; you have to find the one that fits with you, and if the fit is wrong then then it does no one any favors to pretend otherwise. A lack of response doesn't mean 'you're a bad person,' it means, 'you're not the puzzle-piece I'm looking for to fit my particular needs.'

Mm-hm. I don't see it as easy, and either sex can have issues with it.

Dating is apparently a 'number's game', so you have to message a high number of people before finding the right one.

You can't spam a generic copy and paste message but have to take a specific interest in the other person including referencing details from their profile.

Competiton is high as men severely outnumber women.

And no gender sets out to make it hard for one another, it just is.

And yeah, no one should take the rejection personally, though I must say it must be a pretty hard puzzle than for all of us to find the other piece of.

Harder than almost all of those big 5,000 piece ones.

And besdies, depending on the website you can be reported or blocked and if you are than yes, it is something you can take personally most of the time as you might have said or done something to upset or offend.