How can I be a supportive boyfriend?

Post Reply New Topic

I suppose he is diagnosed then. I think this is primarily a thing you see in people with formal diagnosis. I see no reason why somebody undiagnosed would behave like that. It feels totally alien to me. I never claimed I need any accomodations whatsoever.

I suggest you dump him and find somebody better. There are both ND and NT a**holes you know.

Not acknowledging someone when you enter a room is rude and seen as an uncaring action. The person might as well just be invisible and somewhere else. Won't go over well with NT women. Actually, one thing you can do with MOST NT's is to ignore them and it can do some real psychological damage - especially to kids.

Do they teach about actual male/female relationships in those classes or is it just how NT's in general act?

Both should be learning about the other. I think it's a life-long process.

For NT's, they have to change EVERYTHING if they want to have a relationship with an Aspie - eye contact, body language, reading between the lines, going out and being around people, asking for what we want, even SMALL TALK. If the Aspie isn't able to put up with something - like some small talk, or going out just to dinner sometimes, then your NT is going to get extremely depressed. Same with Aspie needing his "alone' time.

Interesting. Here you say to dump him, yet in my lengthy post today, you give contradictory advice by saying that you really don't see what the problem is. Hmm. The only thing that I can actually agree with you on at this point rdos, is that yes..."you really don't see what the problem is." Please refer to the dictionary and discover term "mindblindness." It is most likely hard to determine that a problem is there since you probably have a similar mindset and do similar things.

I have decided to break it off with him. It has been a long year with him, hoping that he would choose to adapt, as I did (in my Aspie-ness). There are many more fish in the sea, and healthier ones, at that.

Here's another Aspie male whose relationship didn't work because he REFUSED to try to compromise and learn about the other person. This is why male Aspies have such difficult problems maintaining a relationship with ANY woman. It's not just Aspie men either - some NT men don't want to take the time to learn anything either. I don't understand it. People always want the easy way out and don't want to put any work into anything anymore - including relationships. That's why I have no Aspie friends anymore. I tried to learn more about them, but it was not mutual and I had to end the friendships - it was just too draining.

NTs cannot change their eye contact or body language. They might be able to somewhat stop assuming so much (reading between the lines and ask if they want to know something), but everything you list above is about the preferences of NTs, and not about ND preferences.



Might be, but then why are NDs being content with only not being totally stressed out?



You finally managed to mention a ND preference.

I think that is due to the different information you provided. As I haven't observed you IRL, I can only go by what you tell me here.

Just not true. Neurodiverse people are just as likely to be in relationships as NTs, even if they typically get into them later. They will also stay in relationships for as long as NTs, and if anything, it's mostly female NDs that are single in middle age and beyond.

Besides, I've been married for 23 years, so you cannot use me as an example.

It could be that you have mistaken the lack of a proper bonding process for lack of commitment and persistence. That's a real problem, and one that cannot be fixed easily.

What I mean is that NT's go by eye contact and body gestures almost 95% of the time, but that does not work when reading Aspies - so they have to give that up in an NT/Aspie relationship. Can't give up small talk, so if I'm ever in a real life Aspie/NT relationship he better get some sunglasses (so he doesn't have to make eye contact) and some ear plugs and learn to say "uh, huh" a lot while nodding his head.

Don't you have open relationships?

You gotta read some Aspie books because they tell NT women what they should expect and I gotta say that it's a little depressing. On Aspie Central there were several Aspie guys whose marriages ended in divorce. My dad has Aspie symptoms and my Ma has stayed married to him, but she has been depressed in the relationship most of her life.

That is very true. And honestly, the reason why I hold him to such expectations...is that I was willing to bend for him. So, it was as if..."what's good for the goose is good for the gander." We were both in the same boat...but unknowingly (because of choosing to remain in the mindblindness and not open his mind's eye) he was actually drilling holes in our boat and sinking the relationship, mind you...it was sinking very slowly. For each time he refused to offer to help me with something, each time he refused to make for free or buy a card for a special occasion, each time he chose to text with friends on his cell phone instead of being present in the moment....it was hole after hole being drilled in the boat.

There comes a point when any self-respecting person (including you and me both, Angela) has to walk away from that. I've finally come to understand that there is a difference in a person choosing to remain the same due to it being the most "comfortable" option, versus truly being unable to change. And I am not going to be one of those Aspies who chooses to make excuses simply because of my HFA diagnosis. No, I change as much as I can...yet expect the same in a person, that they are at least willing to try.

Thank goodness that there are a few Aspies left in the world that are willing to compromise, an important key to happiness in a relationship...will be me finding one. If I don't...oh well, as the saying goes...I'd rather be alone and single that in an unhappy relationship. It really does come down to that.

Thank you so much for giving a NT perspective on this Angela...and I have to say, you really are very right about this!! ! It's something that a person can either choose to acknowledge or continue on in some sort of self-denial, while complaining that every woman always breaks up with them because of this or that. It's time for a reality check at that point. For what is more likely...for 1 person to be such a great Aspie bf and right about his assumptions, or for the last 5-10 women/men he has dated were all wrong/rude/uncompromising??? It certainly does have to go both ways. I've met some Aspie men that have not been able to secure dates, and they assume it is because women are rude/stuckup/etc. If a person starts thinking this way, it is past time to do some self-inventory and be willing to "try" to make some consistent changes.

We all can change, no matter how slow or daunting the task and progress may be...but it's worth trying if someone really wants something badly enough.

Last edited by JO823 on 09 Apr 2016, 5:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

So do NDs. They are even forced to give up their body gestures because NTs dislike them. So you have no point.



Sure, I could do the "uh, huh" and nod, but I won't ask you about the weather or how you are doing.

Then it wouldn't work.

What are you talking about the body gestures? What I mean is the books say that an NT has to ask how their Aspie is feeling at all times because their facial expressions never match how their feeling. Normally I can just tell on another NT, so I wouldn't be able to rely on that anymore. I would have to ask how they are feeling, and what I want from them - not my usual cup of tea.

You actually don't come out as neurodiverse in this area. I don't see why you in the first place needed to bend so much for somebody that should have been so similar to you. Maybe you bended because you thought you needed to pass as normal, which will get all wrong with somebody that wouldn't need the bending.



I'm not diagnosed, and I see no need to change core personality traits. If a partner cannot handle those, I'd move on instead. The whole purpose of being in a relationship with another ND person is that you should not need to adapt in those areas, and if you still feel you need to, you either have selected the wrong person, or you are playing NT, in which case you should go for an NT instead.



I'm very adaptable, but I don't want to get into relationships where there is not a matching communication profile and where you cannot understand each others naturally. I see that as unhealthy, both for me and the girl.



Strongly disagree. I won't go into the details, but I've posted it multiple times here already.