I'm not a dominant guy - what do I do?

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Totally feel your problem I have the same. I can be very independent but still really hate it if people have such different opinions and tastes from me because it feels like they spit out the things I love and would fight for. I feel disconnected. I hate it that so many people are different.

You don't have to tell about Aspergers so soon, not even after a couple of dates, that would be generally be a bad idea unless she has it too. As soon as some behaviour comes up as weird to her just mention that you have difficulty with some specific things. I don't have experience with this but take small steps and don't go all the way in sharing like we tend to do I guess.

You have a conviction from your upbringing that you are a burden and your opinion doesn't matter you can change this. Love and embrace yourself more. You can read or listen to useful advice about self esteem from psychologists like Nathanial Brandon, it's old but good.

Being dominant is a very relative thing. When it comes down to knowledge about certain things you may be more knowledgable about and if you're assertive enough to share that knowledge and the other person is not a *-faced pig, voila you are dominant.

A dominant personality...it's OK not to have it as long as you don't please because you'd make yourself unimportant, so keep in touch with what's important for you and what you want. And correct the other person's bull* or she could walk over you.

There's all these theories about alfa males and what women really want...that you have game and are in control of things. At the same time you see billions of guys that aren't and they have found someone...so don't try to be super dominant alpha male if you're not made like that, only few are.

So what you do is accept yourself more but do work on self esteem, the way you see yourself, be less modest, try to shine your light into the world more in practical ways, not just talk but doing stuff. Play an instrument live or something.

You can be less clingy if you can truly accept basic loneliness as a part of everyone's life including the people with a significant other. You have to take some pride in your independence, most people are much more needy than Aspies because they can't stand being alone. I know how the gnawing feeling is of being single too long and it can chew away that pride from time to time. You can use it in a positive way to become more pro active, do stuff and decide when, where, what. Specificity is very important for change.

Note that a lot of advice given about dating is often a covert way to overplease if it's not congruent with who you are. So, you trying to be dominant, is you trying to please, you see. If your strength is being a good listener instead, use that. In a way there is often strength to be found in supposedly "weak" traits like that. Just an example.

Also be aware that even if you get to that level of being happy with yourself and not a pleaser anymore, it's not like you're going to attract women like flies. The generic appeal that does, while in the want list of most women, is pretty rare it's what certain succesful businessmen have, extraverted, handsome, great body, smart, few men can live up to that. Some things you can work on if you really want but find some motivation for it first it can't just be girls.

While I wonder how many is "many", a problem also seems to be people spend much more time behind their computer screens rather than outside, not just the introverts. But the more modest women like you mention are even harder to find. They buy their books online, not in the bookstore. They watch their films on Netflix, not in the theatre.

Also I find it hard to strike a random conversation at the locations you mention while there are places it's much easier and less intrusive (I don't mean bars necessarily but some situations lend themselves more for meeting new people) while people are also in a more talkative mood there. It can be after lectures for instance. But sure, certain locations attract more interesting people. I wish my city had it's own Forbidden Planet store

Find an available dominatrix.

Why do you want to be a ''dominant'' guy if you don't feel like it is something naturally appealing, not every girl desires that kind of guy, it's not some special alter that bestows the title of 'alpha male' unto you. What's wrong with music and sensitivity, does it make you feel less viable or interesting as a male if you aren't pursuing that kind of attitude and dropping your current personality? What's wrong with the path you're moving along, confidence and growing as a person are separate from dominance, I dunno, I think if you find what's making you unhappy and appreciate your own value and substance you will feel less insecure regarding your masculinity, plenty of gals like you in your current form, plenty won't, that's how it works I guess.

I don't think being dominant is really an attractive kind of trait. It seems like lot of dominant guys tend to be really arrogant and like to bully others.

Western countries seem to be more of equalization of gender roles, so not the majority of women wants dominant partner - at least according to my experience and what I've read for years. On the other hand, some Asian countries and notably former USSR, including Russia and Ukraine, are much more inclined towards machismo, and so the vast majority of omen there wants to get stereotypical alpha-male as a husband, even if those women are far from teenage years of black and white world perception. Of course, not all get alpha males, and if it doesn't happen it is a common picture then that woman is dominating in all aspects of family life and controls husband in everything.
TL;DR
If you live in one of Western democracies, you don't have to be a dominant guy to have great girlfriend or wife; just don't try to date in the East or CIS states.

By definition, the majority of us cannot be dominant.

So what do you do about it??

First, stop subscribing to the myth that all the girls are interested in the dominant guys. Yes, a certain type of common and visible girl tends to be interested in dominant males. That's not all women.

The idea that dominant guys are the guys who get girls is a myth, perpetuated by dominant guys and the kind of girls that like them, because those are the people who created the social structure that predominates in the former European colonies. I don't know why they're hell-bent on making it the only social structure, on persuading or coercing those who do not fit into it to adopt it-- I can only assume that they are dominant types and therefore see divergence and competition (and thus a threat).

They're wrong.

I am a woman.

I f*****g hate alpha males. Alpha females, too. I am not, by nature, a submissive person. I might be conflict-averse, but I am not submissive, and I go out of my way to avoid dominant people. I can't even stand their friendship; I can barely tolerate the alpha-types I'm closely related to. The closest thing to an alpha male I can stand is someone who has removed himself entirely from the competition for status. Those people are pretty cool.

So step one, stop thinking that dominant guys are the best guys. Stop wishing to be one, trying to be one, being afraid you're going to be alone forever because you aren't one. That's how you end up with Alpha Male Envy-- and the only thing worse than an alpha male is a guy who insists every girl who's interested in him is going to leave him for someone more dominant and walks around trying to be, and demanding his woman treat him as, something he ain't.

Step two, look for girls who aren't into alpha guys. Now, obviously, these aren't going to be the high social value girls. Not your homecoming queens, beauty goddesses, and sorority chicks. But-- you're looking for companionship, not an acquisition to raise your social standing. So the female's social value shouldn't matter. What should matter is that you treat each other well, enjoy being together, have fun, have similar or at least compatible values, all that. You know-- you mesh.

Solid advice, but where does one go about finding these girls? Ironically enough, I'm more brains than brawn, but am more attracted to athletic girls. Any advice on how to resolve this excruciatingly frustrating internal conflict?

Not typical hookup spots.

Look in odd places. The park, the gym, the library. Places where odd people pursue their interests.

We have some issues, in part due to my anxiety and ASD and in part due to his Alpha Male Envy and ADHD, but my spouse and I met while waiting on public transportation.

I am totally with her on this one! I find highly dominant males unattractive, disgusting, and a complete turn off. for one, I don't like to be controlled, told what to do, and I don't like men with huge egos, that don't know what their feelings are for. I hope this post isn't breaking any rules. Anyhow, trust me, there are a lot of us out there that are not into the Alpha/dominant males.

I feel offended on this thread.

Hoo hoo hoo.... so much hate on alpha hoo hoo....

I have no "alpha male envy." Alpha males live their role for a while, then become beaten down in life.

One cannot sustain this ideology in the face of intelligent, reasonable people.

Hear hear!

Glad to read it's a myth. It's been poison in my mind. I'm more OK with myself these days, if they don't like it that I'm laid back and not interested in domination...f***'em. Nice guys finish last? Nope there's plenty of nice guys with a good solid girlfriend.

Domination is just way too much work with way too little payoff. You have to really want it as it's own merit. While I may be the type to let go too easily, control freaks have their own problems...

I must say that I still consider alpha females as long as they're not arrogant and full of themselves. Not holding my breath as far as their interest in me goes but keeping an open mind about it. I wouldn't mind a relationship with a workaholic I can enjoy myself quite well and don't have an ego. Important would be being respected and cherished despite not being a man of the world.

It's hard to find women who don't care much for that type however! Just look at the dating site profiles...well avoid them sites is what I recommend folks anyway.

Doing sports is good for the brain, so do it to improve oxygen and blood flow to your brain. It's easy to find sports with lots of women, body pump, yoga, all types of dancing. But can be hard to get social because they're just there to work out and go home faster than you can shout hi as soon as class is over.

I like athletic girls too. Some of these are tough types and not very talky. Don't worry about it, there is always vulnerability behind the tough exterior. They might even be an aspie themselves a bit. Not quite getting along with the girly girls and all. Ideal is when you find them waiting before the class starts then you can talk a little. Some have tea or drinks afterwards but not many.

The thing I dislike is often they're just way more fanatical about sports than I ever will be. It's nice if you can find other similarities. And even then, some just aren't that interested in talking to you so they stay enclosed. So, not saying it's easy...but generally you meet positive people because they want to get or stay in shape because it makes them feel good. That's better than meeting people at singles events or drunken people, that brings much more negativity.

me neither, i wonder if it has to do with genetics, DNA, or a guys parental upbringing, childhood socializing experiences.