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Why is limerence so bad?

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Hopper
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11 Sep 2016, 3:49 pm

hurtloam wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
I did mention interacting with them and having conversations about what interests them hence the use of the words "have conversations"


Ok.


Your point does stand for the limerence debate. Can you really love someone that you never interact with?


Which I think is a version of the question: can you know someone you never interact with?

I think you can love someone you never interact with, as an ethical stance. I think you can take an interest in, and contribute to, their wellbeing.

I mostly think you cannot romantically love (which is obviously the love under discussion) someone you never interact with, but a cynical part of me wants to try and argue that's the only time you can romantically love someone...


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The_Face_of_Boo
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11 Sep 2016, 3:53 pm

Having conversations isn't the same as bonding, having conversations occasionally isn't enough.

Bonding requires time, and often include shared experiences, such as funny incidents faced together, sharing concerns....etc - it's very different from just having conversations.

At least according to my limited experience in this.

Quote:
Can you really love someone that you never interact with?


The definition of limerence doesn't include non-interaction with the subject of desire; but it's often an unrequited strong love that grew with limited interaction with the person (ie. such as occasionally having conversations only....no dates, no hanging out together tête à tête, no considerable shared times, not much shared moments, no long daily communication...etc),
and therefore it's mostly based on wishful ideas and fantasies - and on your idea of this person.

With such limited interaction, you may think you know the person well...but it's not enough at all, there's a layer of depth that wasn't even scratched.



hurtloam
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11 Sep 2016, 4:06 pm

Limerence probably is to love what a photocopy is to the Mona Lisa.



rdos
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11 Sep 2016, 4:10 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Having conversations isn't the same as bonding, having conversations occasionally isn't enough.


Right, but obsessing about a crush is a bonding process.

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Bonding requires time, and often include shared experiences, such as funny incidents faced together, sharing concerns....etc - it's very different from just having conversations.


Or playing games. :wink:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
The definition of limerence doesn't include non-interaction with the subject of desire; but it's often an unrequited strong love that grew with limited interaction with the person (ie. such as occasionally having conversations only....no dates, no hanging out together tête à tête, no considerable shared times, not much shared moments, no long daily communication...etc),
and therefore it's mostly based on wishful ideas and fantasies - and on your idea of this person.

With such limited interaction, you may think you know the person well...but it's not enough at all, there's a layer of depth that wasn't even scratched.


I think I will get to know what I need to know, and conversations, dating and hanging out really isn't necessary to know somebody. I don't care much for a girl's social status, what she does for a work, what music and what artists she likes. I also don't care if she is great at conversations, but I find it interesting to know if she is creative, artistic, positive and empathic, all things I can observe, but that I cannot figure out through conversation only.



The_Face_of_Boo
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11 Sep 2016, 4:12 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Limerence probably is to love what a photocopy is to the Mona Lisa.


I do believe you were in a state of limerence, based on your past threads/posts about this guy.



The_Face_of_Boo
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11 Sep 2016, 4:13 pm

rdos wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Having conversations isn't the same as bonding, having conversations occasionally isn't enough.


Right, but obsessing about a crush is a bonding process.

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Bonding requires time, and often include shared experiences, such as funny incidents faced together, sharing concerns....etc - it's very different from just having conversations.


Or playing games. :wink:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
The definition of limerence doesn't include non-interaction with the subject of desire; but it's often an unrequited strong love that grew with limited interaction with the person (ie. such as occasionally having conversations only....no dates, no hanging out together tête à tête, no considerable shared times, not much shared moments, no long daily communication...etc),
and therefore it's mostly based on wishful ideas and fantasies - and on your idea of this person.

With such limited interaction, you may think you know the person well...but it's not enough at all, there's a layer of depth that wasn't even scratched.


I think I will get to know what I need to know, and conversations, dating and hanging out really isn't necessary to know somebody. I don't care much for a girl's social status, what she does for a work, what music and what artists she likes. I also don't care if she is great at conversations, but I find it interesting to know if she is creative, artistic, positive and empathic, all things I can observe, but that I cannot figure out through conversation only.



rdos......




ok, fine, whatever you say.



rdos
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11 Sep 2016, 4:17 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Limerence probably is to love what a photocopy is to the Mona Lisa.


I find it more likely that dating is to love what a short summary to save time is to watching a full movie. It might appear to be time efficient, but it won't create any strong bonds because those require time to develop. Also, if you can have a quick snapshot instead of the real thing, you might get addicted to the snapshots and never experience the real thing.



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11 Sep 2016, 4:25 pm

rdos wrote:
I think I will get to know what I need to know, and conversations, dating and hanging out really isn't necessary to know somebody.


I find that a lot of the stuff you learn from hanging out with a person is what they want you to know or believe about them. In that respect observing them without conversation is important to get to know them too. i.e. The last date scenario I was in the guy told me he plans to work out more (which just sounded insecure to me, I suppose it was meant to impress me or indicate a desire for self-improvement), and he was really pleased we like some of the same music, which I just didn't get the importance of (I think he saw it as an indication of compatability?). I don't really get small-talk as such so I'm always over-analytical of it, but my overall experience of the date was that he wanted me to know/believe that he was a certain type of person, and that he is actually not. I like the person he really is, and I know that person by more casual interactions and observations; seeing him in his natural habitat, if you will, rather than in date-mode.



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11 Sep 2016, 4:50 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Limerence probably is to love what a photocopy is to the Mona Lisa.


I do believe you were in a state of limerence, based on your past threads/posts about this guy.


Oh most definitely. I don't think I've ever experienced real love.

I think real love takes a long time to develop.

Limerence can be a start, but it should either turn into a real relationship when the two people start to share experiences or it should fade away with time.

Limerence is a real feeling though and shouldn't just be dismissed as nothing.



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11 Sep 2016, 4:56 pm

rdos wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Limerence probably is to love what a photocopy is to the Mona Lisa.


I find it more likely that dating is to love what a short summary to save time is to watching a full movie. It might appear to be time efficient, but it won't create any strong bonds because those require time to develop. Also, if you can have a quick snapshot instead of the real thing, you might get addicted to the snapshots and never experience the real thing.


There's a term for people who like the snap shots and who only bounce from shallow relationship to shallow relationship. I think it's infatuation junkies.

However, I do think dating has a place. It's a way to get to know a bit about a person and to decide whether you want to spend time finding out more about them and spend more time with them.

For example you meet a guy at a party in another town. Your paths don't cross regularly, actually they never cross. So you have to arrange to meet up and get to know each other a bit better. Colloquially that is referred to as a date. If you want to keep getting to know each other you will keep arranging to meet. This is known as dating. It is the beginning. The deeper part, the love comes later, over time.



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11 Sep 2016, 4:58 pm

racheypie666 wrote:
rdos wrote:
I think I will get to know what I need to know, and conversations, dating and hanging out really isn't necessary to know somebody.


I find that a lot of the stuff you learn from hanging out with a person is what they want you to know or believe about them. In that respect observing them without conversation is important to get to know them too. i.e. The last date scenario I was in the guy told me he plans to work out more (which just sounded insecure to me, I suppose it was meant to impress me or indicate a desire for self-improvement), and he was really pleased we like some of the same music, which I just didn't get the importance of (I think he saw it as an indication of compatability?). I don't really get small-talk as such so I'm always over-analytical of it, but my overall experience of the date was that he wanted me to know/believe that he was a certain type of person, and that he is actually not. I like the person he really is, and I know that person by more casual interactions and observations; seeing him in his natural habitat, if you will, rather than in date-mode.


I agree with this. It takes time to get to know someone and you need to see them in a variety of settings to find out what is behind the mask they first put on to attract you.



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11 Sep 2016, 5:32 pm

I don't know what limerence is.


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11 Sep 2016, 5:57 pm

Quote:
Limerence (also infatuated love) is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated.

Idealization of the other person’s characteristics (positive and negative)

•Uncontrollable and intrusive thoughts about the other person

•Extreme shyness,stuttering, nervousness and confusion around the other person

•Fear of rejection and despair or thoughts of suicide if rejection occurs

•A sense of euphoria in response to real or perceived signs ofreciprocation

•Fantasizing about or searching obsessively for signs of reciprocation (“reading into things”)

•Being reminded of the person in everything around you

•Replaying in your mind every encounter with the other person in great detail

•Maintaining romantic intensity through adversity

•Endlessly analyzing every word and gesture to determine their possible meaning

•Arranging your schedule to maximize possible encounters with the other person

•Experiencing physical symptoms such as trembling, flushing, weakness or heart palpitations around the other person



kraftiekortie
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11 Sep 2016, 5:59 pm

It's a rough deal.



hurtloam
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11 Sep 2016, 6:03 pm

OK, I think I've answered my own question with that list. I just found it with a quick Google and I surprised myself with the info I found. Those are not good symptoms. Seems quite destructive if allowed to get out of hand.



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11 Sep 2016, 6:48 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Quote:
Limerence (also infatuated love) is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated.

Idealization of the other person’s characteristics (positive and negative)

•Uncontrollable and intrusive thoughts about the other person

•Extreme shyness,stuttering, nervousness and confusion around the other person

•Fear of rejection and despair or thoughts of suicide if rejection occurs

•A sense of euphoria in response to real or perceived signs ofreciprocation

•Fantasizing about or searching obsessively for signs of reciprocation (“reading into things”)

•Being reminded of the person in everything around you

•Replaying in your mind every encounter with the other person in great detail

•Maintaining romantic intensity through adversity

•Endlessly analyzing every word and gesture to determine their possible meaning

•Arranging your schedule to maximize possible encounters with the other person

•Experiencing physical symptoms such as trembling, flushing, weakness or heart palpitations around the other person


In that case it does seem like a rather unhealthy level of infatuation.


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