Feminists, you are all rapists!
26 Nov 2016, 8:34 pm
Outrider, I think your problem is obsession rather than loneliness--you are obsessing over the idea of feeling alone, and that's why it feels so overwhelming and like you can't deal with it. If you were able to direct your focus to other things more often, you would not feel loneliness so painfully. It sounds like maybe intrusive thoughts about loneliness are a problem and are compounding the feelings of loneliness. Obsessing on any problem is not healthy, and the level of fixation on loneliness seems to be becoming pathological. If feelings and thoughts of loneliness are this persistent and distressing for you, these are things you could talk about with a therapist.
_________________
"Ego non immanis, sed mea immanis telum." ~ Ares, God of War
(Note to Moderators: my warning number is wrong on my profile but apparently can't be fixed so I will note here that it is actually 2, not 3--the warning issued to me on Aug 20 2016 was a mistake but I've been told it can't be removed.)
26 Nov 2016, 8:36 pm
Outrider wrote:
Shahunshah wrote:
Outrider wrote:
wilburforce wrote:
I feel like I need to explain a little further:
I think the main problem with the sort of guys Outrider is talking about is not that they can't find someone, it's that they can't cope with feeling lonely, and that is the problem that needs addressing. Finding a partner is not going to address that issue, because if the person gets into a relationship and then still finds themself feeling lonely sometimes (as is totally normal, because like I said it's the human condition and everyone feels that way sometimes, even if they have lots of people in their lives. You can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely, and if you can't cope with the feeling of being alone then whether other people are there or not is not going to make a difference.)
I think there are lots of people out there who are surrounded by people they are not very compatible with. Because everyone is an individual and because communication is a very imperfect science, when you put any two people together it's a dice roll whether they will be able to get along and will like each other or not. Also, people change over time so you can find that you are surrounded by people that you used to be compatible with but who no longer understand you. So you can have an active social life and still end up feeling lonely and misunderstood. If you can't cope with those feelings, then the presence of other people in your life is not going to fix that.
People need to accept that feeling lonely sometimes is normal (whether you are a socially active person or not), and learn some coping skills so that when they do find themselves feeling that way they can deal with it and go on living. Because we can't force other people to share our lives, and we have very little control over who comes and who goes. People are born, they die, they leave--we have no control over that. The only rational way to deal with that is accept feelings of loneliness as a natural part of human life that we all have to learn how to cope with to get by.
There is no magic fix, there is no getting around feeling lonely. It's just something we all have to face, whether we have people or not.
I think the main problem with the sort of guys Outrider is talking about is not that they can't find someone, it's that they can't cope with feeling lonely, and that is the problem that needs addressing. Finding a partner is not going to address that issue, because if the person gets into a relationship and then still finds themself feeling lonely sometimes (as is totally normal, because like I said it's the human condition and everyone feels that way sometimes, even if they have lots of people in their lives. You can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely, and if you can't cope with the feeling of being alone then whether other people are there or not is not going to make a difference.)
I think there are lots of people out there who are surrounded by people they are not very compatible with. Because everyone is an individual and because communication is a very imperfect science, when you put any two people together it's a dice roll whether they will be able to get along and will like each other or not. Also, people change over time so you can find that you are surrounded by people that you used to be compatible with but who no longer understand you. So you can have an active social life and still end up feeling lonely and misunderstood. If you can't cope with those feelings, then the presence of other people in your life is not going to fix that.
People need to accept that feeling lonely sometimes is normal (whether you are a socially active person or not), and learn some coping skills so that when they do find themselves feeling that way they can deal with it and go on living. Because we can't force other people to share our lives, and we have very little control over who comes and who goes. People are born, they die, they leave--we have no control over that. The only rational way to deal with that is accept feelings of loneliness as a natural part of human life that we all have to learn how to cope with to get by.
There is no magic fix, there is no getting around feeling lonely. It's just something we all have to face, whether we have people or not.
I think more people need to accept, for a lot of people but not all of course, loneliness is absolutely unbearable.
And there is a difference between 'loneliness' as you describe and complete and total social isolation, which is more often what the lonely men you see online complain about.
There's a massive difference between "I have 6 friends but like 4 of them don't even want to talk to me anymore and the other 2 have been really busy studying lately, so I've been alone for these past few weeks" and "I am completely socially isolated, have no family, no friends, never had a girlfriend, co-workers ignore me, my boss only speaks to me when they have to, I haven't even spoken a single word in the last 4 weeks. I haven't spoken to a family member in about 6 months. I haven't had a friend in 6 years. I've messaged over 500 women on online dating and never got a single date out of it." I'd rather have the first one in a heartbeat.
THAT is why all these lonely men can't deal with it.
They are completely and totally socially isolated, often do have mental disorders like Anxiety, Aspergers, Depression, etc. cannot hold down a job or study, and most importantly, they lack validation.
I don't believe good self-esteem and confidence truly come from within.
They come from a combination of internal and external factors, the external factors being positive reinforcement and actual real-life evidence they as a person are cherished and valued.
There are actually people in this world who have never had a friend or girlfriend, and even their family might call them ugly or stupid or emotionally abuse them.
How could they ever like themselves when not a single individual out of 7 billion on this entire planet has ever liked them?
And don't give me that rubbish of 'Why would anyone like you if you don't like yourself?'
I'm saying the opposite also applies "How could you possibly see yourself as a perfectly likable, capable person just as deserving of family love and friendship when you've had no evidence to support this."
And when I talk of deserving, I'm not talking about entitlement, I'm talking about 'deserving' as in 'You're not a bad person, you shouldn't be punished'.
Well sometimes their are things you can do for yourself to make your own life better it is good not sideline those. For me I have went from having tremendous social anxiety to being I would say an extrovert over the course of a year. Somethings you have got to do is allow yourself to be exposed to others. Gradually you may get more and more relaxed around them and eventually open up. This has worked for me, at the start of this year I was the most timid person in my class but now I am always the one debating and chuckling during the middle of it. Things can change if you put the effort into it and expose yourself.
I'm a NEET, and in fact the majority of these lonely young men I see are NEETs.
They've either already tried university but couldn't handle it and dropped out and/or can't hold down a job.
Meetup groups aren't always effective and tend to be mostly middle-aged adults and older.
I do volunteer, coincidentally only at places older people are because I can't handle young people places (the loud trendy music, all the young little sh*ts running around, etc.) older people places are quieter and more relaxed environments.
Have you tried starting up a conversation with any of your co-workers and talking with them?
