A woman showed possible interest in me, and I got scared. :(

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I've seen people have kids unplanned, get their lives in order, become more successful, and produce amazing adult offspring. If I had found myself in that position, I would have rearranged my priorities and gotten down to business. If you don't want kids, and they happen anyway, you have to make it work. Have to. I have no way of knowing what it would have cost, or how I could have benefited.

There will never be a way to know which would make a specific individual person happier, so we all just do the best we can with the information we have.

This topic may deserve it's own thread, though. All this talk of kids still strikes me as wildly unfounded speculation with regard to the initial post. Use a condom; get a vasectomy if you want. I don't see any reason to avoid having sex altogether, and it seems fairly certain that's all the woman at the club wanted for starters. People do tend to have conversations about this sort of thing before getting too attached, and a night of pleasure doesn't normally end in a lifelong committment if you take reasonable precautions.

Yeah, that I can definitely relate with as romance does scare the crap out of me. I'm thinking that I'll probably just remain single for the rest of my life.

I swear to god, the more I read your posts, the more I want to give myself a homemade vasectomy!

You have not told me a single reassuring thing. I understand you want to help, but you're being as unhelpful as a Rogerian therapist. (It's the type that grill you about feelings, play Captain Obvious, and deflect any requests for advice.) All I heard you say is "love, love, love". I don't work like that!

Sorry to be harsh, but I needed to say it. Your preaching isn't working. It is what it is. Save your talk (keystrokes?) for someone less concrete-minded.

If you're going to be sexually active a vasectomy would be a really good idea.You tell him!!

I don't want to have kids because I don't want anyone to inherit my horrible combination of genes.

Well, I'm really not that active. Nowhere near the alpha male level, at least. And the people I'm sexually active with are the ones who wouldn't even think about trapping me with a pregnancy. Namely, escorts. And even they don't play a big role in my sex life anymore. After seeing everybody in my social circle have kids and even bring them to our outings , I developed an actual fear of sex. For real! (I can handle kissing without getting phobic reactions, but nothing more.) In fact, I haven't gone to an escort in nearly 7 months. When usually, I go once every 2 or 3 months.

Well what is it you want from people here then? I don't think there is anything anyone here can say that can give you the help or comfort you are seeking.

Lol I did not see the first post angelrho said 'I knocked up my girl because it was the right thing to do' that kind of thinking is almost more perplexing than your refusal to believe not everyone wants to settle down and have kids if they get in a relationship. In my opinion it would only be the right thing to do, if he and her discussed it and agreed to have kids...not just on the assumption 'thats what you do'.

Last edited by Sweetleaf on 05 Apr 2017, 3:18 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Then just don't have kids...sex doesn't automatically=kids, always wear a condom or get the vasectomy and be open that you don't want kids. Not like women who want kids are going to go out of their way to get in a relationship with someone who doesn't want them to trick them into having them.

Regardless of whatever your grandmother said about romance and relationships, you can have a relationship without ever having kids. Its what me and my boyfriend plan on.

She was begging me for kids. I gave her some. That's all I meant. "Knocked up" was meant partly in jest, and yes, I know there are those who view that as poor taste. But, yeah, it's what she wanted, I was aware of that before we got married, and my selfish attitudes against kids fall way below how I feel about her. And seriously, I had no idea how much I'd end up enjoying the whole experience. If you truly love someone, it's hardly a sacrifice at all. Wow...I mean, there are 4 people under this roof that don't judge me and think everything I do is amazing. I know that's just the age, but just these few years I get with them while they're like that are a trip.

Sure, I'll get into the relationship with a woman who promises me to never have kids. But she can and will bait-and-switch me, for all I know. Because the urge to reproduce is an ingrained biological process that predates humans by billions of years. And it's impossible to fight with a simple verbal statement, at least as far as I'm concerned. So I have to be highly vigilant when there's a chance of intimacy with anyone in the "danger zone" age (28 to 36), like the woman in the bar. At least until I get a vasectomy or something.

There you go again: preaching "love". I rest my case!

But one thing for sure: if my SO wants to selfishly use my sperm cells to satisfy her urge to get pregnant, she's going to have to pry them from cold, dead testicles!

The way you describe things, no wonder I got scared of that woman in the bar.

For billions of years there was no birth control. Organisms didn't need an urge to reproduce in order to reproduce. They just needed an urge to have sex. Most of them are probably not aware reproduction is a result of sex. If we're only talking about humans, still for most of our history birth control wasn't that readily available and people had a sex drive. In a population there usually is diversity. While some people want nothing more than to have children, that doesn't have to be true for everyone.
Also, in Western societies there was a huge amount of social pressure to reproduce for a long time. This social pressure does not or hardly exists any more. People adapt well to the culture they grow up in. If that culture starts to value reproduction less and career more, the average person also will value career more and reproduction less - again, not everyone. Throughout some times in history many women didn't even get to choose whether they'd reproduce. Again, no urge to reproduce needed for their genes to be passed on.

Whether they had an urge to reproduce, or an urge to be valuable in the opinion of the culture they grew up in, or grew up in a culture that didn't let them have much choice (very patriarchal and/or children needed to support you in old age) or whether they simply had a high sex drive and were careless and either were against abortion or abortion was not available, these women successfully passed their genes on.


But if you're that worried, maybe the vasectomy isn't such a bad idea.

You really don't think people can stick to verbal agreements? I've decided I don't want kids, and with my boyfriend he doesn't want them either regardless of any biological feelings we've agreed not to have any. Sure sometimes I see moms with their babies and things like that and consider 'what if' but I don't intend to act on that by trying to get pregnant since that is the choice I have made. You really don't think a woman can choose not to have kids and stick to it? That's like saying a guy can't stop himself trying to have sex with every attractive woman he sees.

In the perfect world, you're be right. But humans are a disgustingly irrational species, worse than numbers pi or e (math humor there ). So there's no way that rational thought, which is barely 20,000 years old, can override an instinct to breed, which is billions of years old. At least not for most people.

That means one thing: people's minds can be swayed by anything: the sight of a cute baby in someone else's infant carrier, the endless pressure by society/government, reading an emotional-sounding article, etc. Especially for people in the peak baby-desiring age range. So I'm playing it safe and avoiding all relationships like venomous snakes.

Well that's your choice, but that all seems a little bit delusional to me...plenty of people are choosing not to have kids. And not changing their mind on the whim of seeing someone elses cute baby, or an emotional article.

My cousin has a cute baby, I've interacted with him and yeah still don't want one of my own..

Nothing wrong with staying single, though staying single soley out of fear does seem kind of sad/stressful. Why not just be single...and focus on other things instead of obsessing and obsessing over being and remaining single and your fears about relationships? Might lower your stress a bit to occupy your mind with something less distressing. Do any of these escorts you've seen or any of your friends/acquaintances ever say that you seem tense? Or do you just come off that way on this forum?

I actually occupy my time pretty well, primarily through interest groups, which expanded time-wise to fill the role my long-time friends once filled. Ironically, I met that woman from the first post in one of these groups. Which is the reason for this thread.

My friends did notice I seem tense, but there are good reasons for it. One (1), I'm always the 3rd/5th/7th wheel, and the couples have an air of toxicity around them, like a coal power plant or something. Two (2), they literally forgot what it's like to have fun: all they talk about is their relationships, future kids, and how "grown-up" they've become. Three (3), planning anything with them is like pulling teeth; I pretty much stopped inviting them places. Oftentimes, I find myself facepalming and miming the noose (jerking my closed fist behind my head) at the rare hangouts with them, and drinking copious amounts of beer after getting home.

It's very sad, really. I knew my friends would settle down before me, I just didn't expect their relationships to be like that. So instead of modeling myself after them, I got scared straight. Like a petty teenage troublemaker touring a violent prison through a police-sponsored program. So when I met that woman, very nice and friendly, and she showed interest in me, I got scared. Because my relationship with her could easily end up like my friends. Or even if it doesn't at first, it could get "contaminated" by the couples' toxicity, when I bring her to introduce her to friends.

It's almost like an ironic parallel to my very first girlfriend at age 18. I thought she would be fun and outgoing. So it was a big shock to my system to find out she was the opposite: didn't like museums, didn't like most restaurants, nothing. She only liked to hang out on campus, mostly. We went to a simple American restaurant a few times, and to the university's dance event one time. That's pretty much it.

I do vent on the forum, so what you're seeing here could be more exaggerated than me in real life.

Escorts? Damn if I know! I haven't seen one in 7 months, due my newly acquired fear of sex. I suppose I could see one, and just do "other things", as long as she allows it---or even just sit and talk fully clothed. But clients' reputation in the escorting community spreads very fast, and I don't want to be known as that kind of client. Plus, I'm saving money.

I guess I mean find something else to occupy your mind with...I mean even when participating in these interest groups are you fully engaged or still dreading relationships in the back of your mind. Also friends and peoples circles change, maybe you need new friends and to just forget about these ones who are stressing you out with their dreadful lifestyle. I mean do you and them have anything i common anymore?...I mean it sucks but sometimes people simply drift apart sometimes better to move on than cling to incompatible friendships. Why not try and make friends at your interest groups that you could hang out with and socialize with outside of the group? I mean if these 'friends' and their S.Os are so bloody toxic to you, you should probably end relations with them. If it hurts their feelings waaaa...at this point doesn't seem healthy for you to continue your friendship...I get the impression your only doing it because you feel obligated to remain friends no matter what, not because you actually want anything more to do with them.