I'm very abusive and I hurt everyone

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Am I egocentric because I feel bad that the topic turned out to be about water fasting instead of my original subject?

What you've done is form an opinión before and look at the science after. Specifically, it looks like you went searching for something to support your idea. Read up on confirmation bias first, in that case.

I already know starvation is unhealthy, I like to read up on science and informational topics, looked it up for further confirmation as I don't remember every single source I've looked at or exact numbers a lot of times. Not like I am just guessing that 40 days is an extreme amount of time to go without food, without knowing and then looked it up after the fact. I was wrong that one will for sure die after that long...there have been cases people have survived that, but its still certainly not healthy.

I am not trying to say fasting is wrong or anything if that is part of their religion that they practice, my point is 40 days is extreme and I have never heard of fasting lasting that long to observe religious holidays/events and such. I mean what exactly are you arguing here that its not unhealthy to go that long without food?...or that I shouldn't openly express that I disagree with it? I disagree with it, obviously am not going to convince them not to do it...just hope they don't die is all.

It's complicated – both times I post here I was really emotional, now I'm a bit calmer but it's still difficult to picture the situation. I don't believe I'm a saint and the guys are bad, but otherwise maybe I'm not all bad. None of the relationships were an official relationship, I think this add a lot to the mess and instability.

He admits he is wrong sometimes, but it's always full of excuses, he rarely ask sorry or show any will to change. When all the point of our relation was how he has hopes that I'll change and become someone better. This is very hard to me, he looks me down a lot, he is 7 years older, has obviously more things figured out, but I often feel really bad because it seems that he only sees my bad sides, but he often says that this is my fault because I only emphasize my bad sides.

When we start having sex it was a bit confusing, I wasn't much sure how much I wanted, but I was in a position I didn't felt comfortable in stoping him and I had already some feelings so I got attached to it, but he had mentioned that he wouldn't love me and he wouldn't want to have a relationship with me – I didn't understand that he meant that because he couldn't felt attracted to me, I thought it was more related to the fact that we live far away. He also showed me a lot of stuff or his ex-gf, and she is beautiful and he loved her and I got feeling even worst - I don't know if he had any purpose doing this.

Then we start to talk and travel to see each other and everything and we somehow end up in a relationship, although he would keep it and be nice to me he also made very clear that he didn't love me and I didn't fulfilled his expectations as a girlfriend. During this time, he also had meet his ex-gf and had sex with her and I felt really bad over this, specially because he had kind of lied to me (he told me he would host a friend, but didn't mention it was her). As we weren't in an official relationship, and it was also distance, I asked him to tell me if he was going to see or had sex with anyone, not because I wanted to control him but because I didn't want to worry about it, but then I just got suspicious and asked and he confirmed.

Things went more or less like this for 8 months, we were in a relationship but not much, we travelled to meet each other, it was obviously that I loved him and he didn't loved me back and we had a few discussions about it, I was going to move to even more far from him and I was very sad about it and he seemed much more neutral. When I moved, it was really difficult, because I was very sad that we didn't had any plans to see each other and he didn't seem to care, he said he would visit me some day but never really made any plan.

At this point things got really bad, we would discuss more frequently, and I started to point out more what I felt it was an unfair treatment. At some point, he seemed to like that I was more critical – I used to be too passive with him. But maybe I was too much critical... I don't know. The flaws I saw on him wasn't news, but I changed my attitude and it's here where I see an abusive behavior, I didn't criticize him because the critics were important, but I did because I want to affect him. I felt he looked me down and I wanted to put him down so he would se we were equals.

This is the general context, sorry it was too long.

The day I made this topic he told me that I was poisonous to him. I agree, I became really mean because I thought he was mean to me and I wanted to affect him. I don't think this is right. What happened that day it was the previously day I went to a very stressful situation – a guy try to steal me on the street, I didn't had anything so he got mad and hurt me with a knife – I spent the night on the police station and when I got home, I wanted to talk with him because I was feeling really bad and he was the only person who could comfort him, I sent him a message asking if we could talk (we hadn't talked for a week, which was a lot because we often talk daily) and he said me that he was busy but we could talk later, during the night I sent him a message asking if he would be able to talk that day still, and he sent me some message like "it's saturday night" – I felt really bad, and I start sending him many messages about he didn't have any more space for me in his life and everything else, and it escalated until I said bad stuff about him, and so on. This is a behavior I consider very wrong, I got a negative and reacted very badly and tried to affect him.

The bad thing I discovered about him after was that he has a girlfriend for weeks, and he didn't told me... and this was one of the reasons he wasn't talking much to me recently, and he had lied to me saying it was just work stuff and so on. Also, he told me that it was natural that he didn't gave me much more attention anymore because I wasn't a novelty anymore, and I felt so disposable, it hurts.

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Sorry, it's still too long.

The other guy I had something going on it was also a complicated situation. He had another confusing relationship, they would split and return very often, and the girl was really mean to me (mostly she would do cyberbullying, like posting pictures of me in some forum to people say how ugly I was and then send me a link) and he didn't anything. But it was her, not him, so I maybe should had direction my anger better? Again I start to be too critical, and I tried to push him out of his friends (because they were also friend to that girl), which again I think it wasn't a good behavior. He wasn't never directly bad to me, he was just omissive I think.



EDIT: I felt used mostly because whenever he is alone and need someone I ready to give him whatever he wants, and if I can't I often feel very guilty, and he clearly doesn't share the same view. Which maybe is normal, and I'm who shouldn't be so available.

It seems worst now he is very open about this idea that he only should do exactly what he wants. It's complicated, I did a lot of stuff that was out of my comfort zone and I still feel embarrassed about it, and he acts like I'm being too mean if I ask to talk.