How to save money while dating
AngelRho
Veteran
Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,366
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile
13 Apr 2017, 8:22 pm
Sweetleaf wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
Wolfram87 wrote:
Which is monumentally condescending barring severe intellectual disability on the young womans part. Or do 27 year old women not have sexual needs? Are disabled people just not allowed to have sex? Also, staying in a relationship with conditions like these for 2 years should be something of an indicator that maybe he doesn't just want another notch in his bedpost.
Also, Jake and Hellen? Is this an episode of Daria now?
Also, Jake and Hellen? Is this an episode of Daria now?
I don't fundamentally disagree with you. I make no bones about keeping my own children under lock and key for as long as reasonably possible, they know exactly why, and as far as I'm aware they have no disabilities. But good grief, going into late 20's? If my kids haven't learned how the world works and how to handle themselves by then, I've completely failed them. As much as I hate to admit it, at a certain point, we just have to let go. There will be much cringing, but I will somehow force myself to keep my mouth shut.
But, yes, you're right. It's condescending, and I agree there might be sexual needs there. But at the same time, it might be more than just sex. It might be religiously motivated. Still...even so, she ought to be able to make those decisions on her own. With disabilities, there's always the argument that even with older adults the disability renders them incapable of LEGAL consent. There might be a reasonable argument that should the OP get her alone, he might exploit her. Wouldn't matter if she consented or not--how are WE supposed to know for sure what happened behind closed doors?
And don't forget, the OP doesn't even know what her disability is. Could be getting pregnant would kill her and they don't want to take even the remotest risk.
All assuming, of course, her parents are well-intentioned. That itself might be questionable.
Adults with disabilities are NOT incapable of giving legal consent, unless they are severely intellectually disabled and have the mind of a young child...so no this is not always an argument when it comes to disabled adults, the vast majority of disabled adults can very much legally consent to sex.
Also if its something like pregnancy could kill her...why hasn't she told him this, or why haven't her parents brought it up? So that things can move forward safely...It sounds like they just want a little girl for ever and aren't willing to let her grow up. Also outsiders aren't supposed to know every detail that goes on behind closed doors in regards to sex ...and the parents obviously don't see him as her boyfriend if at the 2 year mark they are still suspicious he's going to sexually exploit her.
I think the OP has explained just enough that all this is moot, anyway. I'm not really going to pursue those avenues any longer. I've got Jake and Hellen figured out. If I were in his position and I really wanted this girl, I'd be playing Jake and Hellen like a fiddle. I'm not really convinced he wants the girl, though.
Consent with disabilities isn't as simple as you'd like to think it is. You're on the right track, and you are TECHNICALLY correct. The problem is who decides how old this disabled person is mentally? And if they're wrong, what can the disabled adult really do about it? It's a bad situation, but potentially the disabled person only has the rights her parents say she has. I'm not saying it's right or fair. I'm just saying it happens. Who defines levels of intellectual disability? Are they consistently implemented? We don't know the girl in question, but it could be she's being trapped by her parents under the pretext of intellectual disability with no more right to give consent than a 12 year old.
This is all moot now, anyway, though, so that's my final word on it.
This is more of a religious/moral issue. They aren't worried about him exploiting her. They're worried about how this LOOKS. If she goes into his apartment or house alone, it LOOKS like they're there to hook up. They could sleep in separate rooms at her house WITH the parents there and it LOOKS bad because, gasp, some little old church lady saw a boy at their house and he never left.
I'd almost be willing to bet either or both of her parents, assuming they're Christians, are pastors in the church, or her father is a deacon or some other leader in the upper echelons of church hierarchy. Or perhaps her grandfather occupies some prominent position. Or if it gets out she's alone with him, they'll, as we Southerners like to say, "run 'em off."
If they're Muslim...actually, that would explain a lot. I'll leave that can of worms for someone else to open, though.
The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 44
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,664
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.
AngelRho
Veteran
Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,366
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile
14 Apr 2017, 7:25 am
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
What's your religion and your ethnicity backgrounds?
I'm curious about that myself.
Personally, I'm a Southern Baptist. We tend to talk a good conservative game but often fail to follow through. My family tends to take a harder line than most people we know.
Some Christian groups that are a bit on the strict side where we live are United Pentecostals ("oneness" heretics) and certain non-denominational groups that emphasize moral accountability. I don't really consider Jehovah's Witnesses to be Christian, but they have fairly tight discipline. The Duggar family practices something similar to the Quiverfull movement, which is something I find attractive for my own family (I'm not 100% sold on QF, but chaperoned courtship is always a good thing).
I'm not speculating on anything outside Christianity, but I have my suspicions.
14 Apr 2017, 11:08 am
Being the godless heathen that I am, my $.02 would be as follows; sex before marriage is non-negotiable. Determining sexual compatibility or incompatibility is very important when selecting a mate. Entering into any kind of pair-bonding union, be it legal, economic or religious, without first thoroughly exploring each other intimately should be considered irresponsible bordering on negligence. It risks pitting the pursuit of sexual satisfaction against devotion to your spouse, and no one is walking away happy from that altercation.
Given the introduction of the religious angle, I guess that marks my graceful exit from the discussion. Best of luck!
_________________
I'm bored out of my skull, let's play a different game. Let's pay a visit down below and cast the world in flame.
15 Apr 2017, 1:51 pm
In response to previous posts, we're both White, middle class Christians, and it's the modern, mainstream, not at all strict kind of Christianity, so I guess you could say we're acting more on personal belief than someone hanging over our shoulder forcing some ideal on us...aside from her parents. She's from South Africa, and I'm from here (BC Canada).
I do care for my gf, maybe even deeply, and I do want her to be happy, but I don't feel compelled to marry her which now that I think about it may defeat the purpose of dating. I do want a spouse, but I want a dependable spouse who can stand on her own two feet and I don't want her parents hovering over us forever. Maybe I do have to make a tough decision. I mean, she was actually ok with me pulling back a little to save money so that's a non-issue, but I may have to face the underlying issue which seems to have become the focus of this discussion anyways.
AngelRho
Veteran
Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,366
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile
15 Apr 2017, 2:19 pm
Ok...actually, the Christianity thing makes it even more confusing. lol
But I think I've got a pretty good picture of what's happening here.
When I was a kid, I grew up with a father who had a nasty temper, smoked, was diabetic, took poor care of himself. I had no real love for dad. But it was nevertheless difficult for me having to watch him slowly, piece by piece, fall apart.
I would NEVER marry a girl with diabetes in her family history.
And then I met my wife. Her grandfather, diabetic, literally dropped dead in front of her as she was taking him up a wheelchair ramp into his house. Her mom, diabetic, died right in front of her as she took her into the hospital emergency room. She believed she was having signs of prediabetes as early as college. And you know what? I decided right then I didn't care. If I had to watch my wife fall apart or drop dead right in front of me, I would care for her and hold her every minute of every crisis, all the way to the end.
I can't say that for anyone else, and I've dated some real doozies. I think that's where you are. I think deep down you'd like to save this girl, but it's more like the gallant hero kind of redemption from fairy tales. You rescued a stray puppy. But the puppy isn't sweet and cuddly anymore. And you're questioning whether it's worth it.
I'm going to spare the long posts after this point. Based on your last post, I think you know what you need to do. Need any help on that, I'll still be here.
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,278
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
15 Apr 2017, 9:34 pm
AngelRho wrote:
I think the OP has explained just enough that all this is moot, anyway. I'm not really going to pursue those avenues any longer. I've got Jake and Hellen figured out. If I were in his position and I really wanted this girl, I'd be playing Jake and Hellen like a fiddle. I'm not really convinced he wants the girl, though.
Consent with disabilities isn't as simple as you'd like to think it is. You're on the right track, and you are TECHNICALLY correct. The problem is who decides how old this disabled person is mentally? And if they're wrong, what can the disabled adult really do about it? It's a bad situation, but potentially the disabled person only has the rights her parents say she has. I'm not saying it's right or fair. I'm just saying it happens. Who defines levels of intellectual disability? Are they consistently implemented? We don't know the girl in question, but it could be she's being trapped by her parents under the pretext of intellectual disability with no more right to give consent than a 12 year old.
This is all moot now, anyway, though, so that's my final word on it.
This is more of a religious/moral issue. They aren't worried about him exploiting her. They're worried about how this LOOKS. If she goes into his apartment or house alone, it LOOKS like they're there to hook up. They could sleep in separate rooms at her house WITH the parents there and it LOOKS bad because, gasp, some little old church lady saw a boy at their house and he never left.
I'd almost be willing to bet either or both of her parents, assuming they're Christians, are pastors in the church, or her father is a deacon or some other leader in the upper echelons of church hierarchy. Or perhaps her grandfather occupies some prominent position. Or if it gets out she's alone with him, they'll, as we Southerners like to say, "run 'em off."
If they're Muslim...actually, that would explain a lot. I'll leave that can of worms for someone else to open, though.
Consent with disabilities isn't as simple as you'd like to think it is. You're on the right track, and you are TECHNICALLY correct. The problem is who decides how old this disabled person is mentally? And if they're wrong, what can the disabled adult really do about it? It's a bad situation, but potentially the disabled person only has the rights her parents say she has. I'm not saying it's right or fair. I'm just saying it happens. Who defines levels of intellectual disability? Are they consistently implemented? We don't know the girl in question, but it could be she's being trapped by her parents under the pretext of intellectual disability with no more right to give consent than a 12 year old.
This is all moot now, anyway, though, so that's my final word on it.
This is more of a religious/moral issue. They aren't worried about him exploiting her. They're worried about how this LOOKS. If she goes into his apartment or house alone, it LOOKS like they're there to hook up. They could sleep in separate rooms at her house WITH the parents there and it LOOKS bad because, gasp, some little old church lady saw a boy at their house and he never left.
I'd almost be willing to bet either or both of her parents, assuming they're Christians, are pastors in the church, or her father is a deacon or some other leader in the upper echelons of church hierarchy. Or perhaps her grandfather occupies some prominent position. Or if it gets out she's alone with him, they'll, as we Southerners like to say, "run 'em off."
If they're Muslim...actually, that would explain a lot. I'll leave that can of worms for someone else to open, though.
I'd say it is people who assume it must be a one night stand/hook up if they see a woman bring a guy over or a guy brings a woman to his house that have the problem not couples that spend time together alone at one of their houses. Me and my boyfriend moved in together in less than a year of dating....but the O.P and his gf have been together two years and they can't even watch a movie together at one of their places or have an at home dinner? Lest they be seen as horrible sexual deviants?
I think that's unreasonable.
_________________
Tis the time to melt the Ice.
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,278
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
15 Apr 2017, 9:43 pm
Tross wrote:
In response to previous posts, we're both White, middle class Christians, and it's the modern, mainstream, not at all strict kind of Christianity, so I guess you could say we're acting more on personal belief than someone hanging over our shoulder forcing some ideal on us...aside from her parents. She's from South Africa, and I'm from here (BC Canada).
I do care for my gf, maybe even deeply, and I do want her to be happy, but I don't feel compelled to marry her which now that I think about it may defeat the purpose of dating. I do want a spouse, but I want a dependable spouse who can stand on her own two feet and I don't want her parents hovering over us forever. Maybe I do have to make a tough decision. I mean, she was actually ok with me pulling back a little to save money so that's a non-issue, but I may have to face the underlying issue which seems to have become the focus of this discussion anyways.
I do care for my gf, maybe even deeply, and I do want her to be happy, but I don't feel compelled to marry her which now that I think about it may defeat the purpose of dating. I do want a spouse, but I want a dependable spouse who can stand on her own two feet and I don't want her parents hovering over us forever. Maybe I do have to make a tough decision. I mean, she was actually ok with me pulling back a little to save money so that's a non-issue, but I may have to face the underlying issue which seems to have become the focus of this discussion anyways.
I could be wrong, but I think perhaps at least offering her a choice...does she want to make the transition to be more independent from her parents with or without their approval or grudging agreement or lose you and continue doing what she is doing. IDK if its a two year relationship I just think it would make sense to discuss it before making any final decision. I mean if you guys were really serious about making it work even if big changes have to be made and she actually did want to get away from such sheltered situation...perhaps you and her could get a place and decrease contact with them. But I don't know how willing she would be to do something like that...or if it would be too horrifying of a prospect for her. You and her could still wait till marriage for sex if you want and such but without her parents nosily hovering.
_________________
Tis the time to melt the Ice.
AngelRho
Veteran
Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,366
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile
15 Apr 2017, 10:39 pm
Sweetleaf wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
I think the OP has explained just enough that all this is moot, anyway. I'm not really going to pursue those avenues any longer. I've got Jake and Hellen figured out. If I were in his position and I really wanted this girl, I'd be playing Jake and Hellen like a fiddle. I'm not really convinced he wants the girl, though.
Consent with disabilities isn't as simple as you'd like to think it is. You're on the right track, and you are TECHNICALLY correct. The problem is who decides how old this disabled person is mentally? And if they're wrong, what can the disabled adult really do about it? It's a bad situation, but potentially the disabled person only has the rights her parents say she has. I'm not saying it's right or fair. I'm just saying it happens. Who defines levels of intellectual disability? Are they consistently implemented? We don't know the girl in question, but it could be she's being trapped by her parents under the pretext of intellectual disability with no more right to give consent than a 12 year old.
This is all moot now, anyway, though, so that's my final word on it.
This is more of a religious/moral issue. They aren't worried about him exploiting her. They're worried about how this LOOKS. If she goes into his apartment or house alone, it LOOKS like they're there to hook up. They could sleep in separate rooms at her house WITH the parents there and it LOOKS bad because, gasp, some little old church lady saw a boy at their house and he never left.
I'd almost be willing to bet either or both of her parents, assuming they're Christians, are pastors in the church, or her father is a deacon or some other leader in the upper echelons of church hierarchy. Or perhaps her grandfather occupies some prominent position. Or if it gets out she's alone with him, they'll, as we Southerners like to say, "run 'em off."
If they're Muslim...actually, that would explain a lot. I'll leave that can of worms for someone else to open, though.
Consent with disabilities isn't as simple as you'd like to think it is. You're on the right track, and you are TECHNICALLY correct. The problem is who decides how old this disabled person is mentally? And if they're wrong, what can the disabled adult really do about it? It's a bad situation, but potentially the disabled person only has the rights her parents say she has. I'm not saying it's right or fair. I'm just saying it happens. Who defines levels of intellectual disability? Are they consistently implemented? We don't know the girl in question, but it could be she's being trapped by her parents under the pretext of intellectual disability with no more right to give consent than a 12 year old.
This is all moot now, anyway, though, so that's my final word on it.
This is more of a religious/moral issue. They aren't worried about him exploiting her. They're worried about how this LOOKS. If she goes into his apartment or house alone, it LOOKS like they're there to hook up. They could sleep in separate rooms at her house WITH the parents there and it LOOKS bad because, gasp, some little old church lady saw a boy at their house and he never left.
I'd almost be willing to bet either or both of her parents, assuming they're Christians, are pastors in the church, or her father is a deacon or some other leader in the upper echelons of church hierarchy. Or perhaps her grandfather occupies some prominent position. Or if it gets out she's alone with him, they'll, as we Southerners like to say, "run 'em off."
If they're Muslim...actually, that would explain a lot. I'll leave that can of worms for someone else to open, though.
I'd say it is people who assume it must be a one night stand/hook up if they see a woman bring a guy over or a guy brings a woman to his house that have the problem not couples that spend time together alone at one of their houses. Me and my boyfriend moved in together in less than a year of dating....but the O.P and his gf have been together two years and they can't even watch a movie together at one of their places or have an at home dinner? Lest they be seen as horrible sexual deviants?
I think that's unreasonable.
Yeah, it's the nosy church lady's problem. I agree. And it is unreasonable. I also agree. But these people MAKE it the parents' problem when parents tacitly approve sleepovers of that kind. The OP said that's not it, though, just a choice her parents are making. But yes, in certain religios circles that is the case.
Quick example: I am on staff at my church. I was headed for the beer aisle when a church member stopped me for a quick chat. I turned right back around and went straight to checkout. We live in glass houses, and I could have gotten fired. I don't agree with it. Heck, the BIBLE doesn't even agree with it. But that's just how people think. And I'm just the piano player! I could wake up and the last 11 years would be a complete waste, all because I was craving a Red Stripe.
After a while it just blends into your lifestyle and you figure out ways to do what you want without attracting unwanted attention. Nobody gets close to liquor stores, so I buy wine and the occasional cognac or amaretto, or even Jaeger if I'm fighting a cold and nobody ever notices. I know people at church drink because I've seen them do it at big events. But it would be just my luck I go in to a package store to pair a cheap chardonnay with a fish dinner and somebody from church is refreshing her tequila stash. Nobody will call her out, but I'LL lose my job. I don't waste my life worrying about it. I just try not to flaunt it or make it obvious. I'm doing ok so far.
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,278
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
16 Apr 2017, 12:32 pm
AngelRho wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
I think the OP has explained just enough that all this is moot, anyway. I'm not really going to pursue those avenues any longer. I've got Jake and Hellen figured out. If I were in his position and I really wanted this girl, I'd be playing Jake and Hellen like a fiddle. I'm not really convinced he wants the girl, though.
Consent with disabilities isn't as simple as you'd like to think it is. You're on the right track, and you are TECHNICALLY correct. The problem is who decides how old this disabled person is mentally? And if they're wrong, what can the disabled adult really do about it? It's a bad situation, but potentially the disabled person only has the rights her parents say she has. I'm not saying it's right or fair. I'm just saying it happens. Who defines levels of intellectual disability? Are they consistently implemented? We don't know the girl in question, but it could be she's being trapped by her parents under the pretext of intellectual disability with no more right to give consent than a 12 year old.
This is all moot now, anyway, though, so that's my final word on it.
This is more of a religious/moral issue. They aren't worried about him exploiting her. They're worried about how this LOOKS. If she goes into his apartment or house alone, it LOOKS like they're there to hook up. They could sleep in separate rooms at her house WITH the parents there and it LOOKS bad because, gasp, some little old church lady saw a boy at their house and he never left.
I'd almost be willing to bet either or both of her parents, assuming they're Christians, are pastors in the church, or her father is a deacon or some other leader in the upper echelons of church hierarchy. Or perhaps her grandfather occupies some prominent position. Or if it gets out she's alone with him, they'll, as we Southerners like to say, "run 'em off."
If they're Muslim...actually, that would explain a lot. I'll leave that can of worms for someone else to open, though.
Consent with disabilities isn't as simple as you'd like to think it is. You're on the right track, and you are TECHNICALLY correct. The problem is who decides how old this disabled person is mentally? And if they're wrong, what can the disabled adult really do about it? It's a bad situation, but potentially the disabled person only has the rights her parents say she has. I'm not saying it's right or fair. I'm just saying it happens. Who defines levels of intellectual disability? Are they consistently implemented? We don't know the girl in question, but it could be she's being trapped by her parents under the pretext of intellectual disability with no more right to give consent than a 12 year old.
This is all moot now, anyway, though, so that's my final word on it.
This is more of a religious/moral issue. They aren't worried about him exploiting her. They're worried about how this LOOKS. If she goes into his apartment or house alone, it LOOKS like they're there to hook up. They could sleep in separate rooms at her house WITH the parents there and it LOOKS bad because, gasp, some little old church lady saw a boy at their house and he never left.
I'd almost be willing to bet either or both of her parents, assuming they're Christians, are pastors in the church, or her father is a deacon or some other leader in the upper echelons of church hierarchy. Or perhaps her grandfather occupies some prominent position. Or if it gets out she's alone with him, they'll, as we Southerners like to say, "run 'em off."
If they're Muslim...actually, that would explain a lot. I'll leave that can of worms for someone else to open, though.
I'd say it is people who assume it must be a one night stand/hook up if they see a woman bring a guy over or a guy brings a woman to his house that have the problem not couples that spend time together alone at one of their houses. Me and my boyfriend moved in together in less than a year of dating....but the O.P and his gf have been together two years and they can't even watch a movie together at one of their places or have an at home dinner? Lest they be seen as horrible sexual deviants?
I think that's unreasonable.
Yeah, it's the nosy church lady's problem. I agree. And it is unreasonable. I also agree. But these people MAKE it the parents' problem when parents tacitly approve sleepovers of that kind. The OP said that's not it, though, just a choice her parents are making. But yes, in certain religios circles that is the case.
Quick example: I am on staff at my church. I was headed for the beer aisle when a church member stopped me for a quick chat. I turned right back around and went straight to checkout. We live in glass houses, and I could have gotten fired. I don't agree with it. Heck, the BIBLE doesn't even agree with it. But that's just how people think. And I'm just the piano player! I could wake up and the last 11 years would be a complete waste, all because I was craving a Red Stripe.
After a while it just blends into your lifestyle and you figure out ways to do what you want without attracting unwanted attention. Nobody gets close to liquor stores, so I buy wine and the occasional cognac or amaretto, or even Jaeger if I'm fighting a cold and nobody ever notices. I know people at church drink because I've seen them do it at big events. But it would be just my luck I go in to a package store to pair a cheap chardonnay with a fish dinner and somebody from church is refreshing her tequila stash. Nobody will call her out, but I'LL lose my job. I don't waste my life worrying about it. I just try not to flaunt it or make it obvious. I'm doing ok so far.
You will lose your job if you buy liquor from the liquor store and are seen by a fellow church-goer why? That makes absolutely no sense. IDK if I was a christian, I don't think I would continue going to a church or being part of a religious group it they wanted me to walk on egg-shells around them and live my life based on what judgmental church ladies will think if I do this or that or could get me to lose my job if they saw me buying liquor.
_________________
Tis the time to melt the Ice.
AngelRho
Veteran
Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,366
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile
16 Apr 2017, 1:54 pm
Tross wrote:
Well, I broke up with her. Forgive me for not exactly feeling like a million bucks right now, but I do think it was for the best, for both of us. Now to weather the storm I have unleashed. Any advice?
Yeah...
Yeah, I've been puzzling this for some time. Honestly, from the little info I've picked up, she sounds psychotic. Her parents are overprotective clearly not for the sake of their faith, but for one of two possible reasons: they're either enabling her, or they're trying to protect her from someone who might, even someone well-meaning. Or, who knows...maybe they're trying to protect YOU.
In any case, this is a difficult situation to escape if she's the harrassing type. Maybe this will be quick and easy, but depending on the severity of her mental state, I'm concerned it won't be.
So... No phone calls, no texts, no friends on social media, no emails, no nothing. No last dates, because one last date turns into another and another and she just worms her way back into your life.
My preferred break-up is plan a good day and drop the bomb mid-afternoon. In your case, I'd be, like, we've had a great relationship, but I don't think your parents are ready for us. And as long as they stay involved the way they are, there's just no future for us. Perhaps that could change, but right now it's best we take a different direction. And you never know...you might meet a guy your parents approve of and be VERY happy together! Right now I'm just not that guy.
I don't know how you broke it, but as a rule I don't close doors unless absolutely necessary. Distant friendships with exes are always good. This one girl insists on reconnecting every other year or so. She's married, has her own kids, so, I'm like, whut? My wife HATES this girl. I have another ex I left on good terms. My wife doesn't like her either, but she's a wonderful person. My crazy ex-fiancée is just toxic, as is her family. So, no, I NEVER contact her for any reason. I have other exes or formerly close female acquaintances I'd love to hear from, but the two I think of the most seem to have vanished right off the planet. You just never know when you call someone up and say, "hey, remember me?" and they've been waiting for years wondering what happened to you.
It all just depends. Just pray about it and use your best judgment is all I can say. I'm sure whatever you did was the right thing to do. I've purposefully assumed the worst about your ex, but I'm hopeful things aren't really that bad. It never hurts to be prepared.
If I were you, I'd stay isolated from MOOS for a good 3 weeks at least. Take a good long rest from dating. Reset your mind and heart. This isn't easy. If you found her, you'll find someone else. Or the next one will find you. Don't sweat it either way. Believe me, when I broke off an engagement, my biggest fear had been being alone for the rest of my life. Once someone showed me that wouldn't happen, I began to believe that I'd rather be alone than with HER. One little nudge was all it took. The journey after was not fun, but my life is amazing now. Keep that in mind. You'll make it!
17 Apr 2017, 2:15 pm
AngelRho wrote:
Tross wrote:
Well, I broke up with her. Forgive me for not exactly feeling like a million bucks right now, but I do think it was for the best, for both of us. Now to weather the storm I have unleashed. Any advice?
Yeah...
Yeah, I've been puzzling this for some time. Honestly, from the little info I've picked up, she sounds psychotic. Her parents are overprotective clearly not for the sake of their faith, but for one of two possible reasons: they're either enabling her, or they're trying to protect her from someone who might, even someone well-meaning. Or, who knows...maybe they're trying to protect YOU.
In any case, this is a difficult situation to escape if she's the harrassing type. Maybe this will be quick and easy, but depending on the severity of her mental state, I'm concerned it won't be.
So... No phone calls, no texts, no friends on social media, no emails, no nothing. No last dates, because one last date turns into another and another and she just worms her way back into your life.
My preferred break-up is plan a good day and drop the bomb mid-afternoon. In your case, I'd be, like, we've had a great relationship, but I don't think your parents are ready for us. And as long as they stay involved the way they are, there's just no future for us. Perhaps that could change, but right now it's best we take a different direction. And you never know...you might meet a guy your parents approve of and be VERY happy together! Right now I'm just not that guy.
I don't know how you broke it, but as a rule I don't close doors unless absolutely necessary. Distant friendships with exes are always good. This one girl insists on reconnecting every other year or so. She's married, has her own kids, so, I'm like, whut? My wife HATES this girl. I have another ex I left on good terms. My wife doesn't like her either, but she's a wonderful person. My crazy ex-fiancée is just toxic, as is her family. So, no, I NEVER contact her for any reason. I have other exes or formerly close female acquaintances I'd love to hear from, but the two I think of the most seem to have vanished right off the planet. You just never know when you call someone up and say, "hey, remember me?" and they've been waiting for years wondering what happened to you.
It all just depends. Just pray about it and use your best judgment is all I can say. I'm sure whatever you did was the right thing to do. I've purposefully assumed the worst about your ex, but I'm hopeful things aren't really that bad. It never hurts to be prepared.
If I were you, I'd stay isolated from MOOS for a good 3 weeks at least. Take a good long rest from dating. Reset your mind and heart. This isn't easy. If you found her, you'll find someone else. Or the next one will find you. Don't sweat it either way. Believe me, when I broke off an engagement, my biggest fear had been being alone for the rest of my life. Once someone showed me that wouldn't happen, I began to believe that I'd rather be alone than with HER. One little nudge was all it took. The journey after was not fun, but my life is amazing now. Keep that in mind. You'll make it!
I took her to her favourite park, and the weather was nice, and I broke to her as gently as possible that I think we should just be friends, and that it wasn't because I didn't care about her or that I was mad at her. I gave her all the time she needed before taking her home. It was hard to do, and I'm still sad about it, but I think it was for the best, for both of us. Maybe how she can focus more on getting her life together, and I can focus more on getting mine together.
AngelRho
Veteran
Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,366
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile
17 Apr 2017, 4:04 pm
Tross wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
Tross wrote:
Well, I broke up with her. Forgive me for not exactly feeling like a million bucks right now, but I do think it was for the best, for both of us. Now to weather the storm I have unleashed. Any advice?
Yeah...
Yeah, I've been puzzling this for some time. Honestly, from the little info I've picked up, she sounds psychotic. Her parents are overprotective clearly not for the sake of their faith, but for one of two possible reasons: they're either enabling her, or they're trying to protect her from someone who might, even someone well-meaning. Or, who knows...maybe they're trying to protect YOU.
In any case, this is a difficult situation to escape if she's the harrassing type. Maybe this will be quick and easy, but depending on the severity of her mental state, I'm concerned it won't be.
So... No phone calls, no texts, no friends on social media, no emails, no nothing. No last dates, because one last date turns into another and another and she just worms her way back into your life.
My preferred break-up is plan a good day and drop the bomb mid-afternoon. In your case, I'd be, like, we've had a great relationship, but I don't think your parents are ready for us. And as long as they stay involved the way they are, there's just no future for us. Perhaps that could change, but right now it's best we take a different direction. And you never know...you might meet a guy your parents approve of and be VERY happy together! Right now I'm just not that guy.
I don't know how you broke it, but as a rule I don't close doors unless absolutely necessary. Distant friendships with exes are always good. This one girl insists on reconnecting every other year or so. She's married, has her own kids, so, I'm like, whut? My wife HATES this girl. I have another ex I left on good terms. My wife doesn't like her either, but she's a wonderful person. My crazy ex-fiancée is just toxic, as is her family. So, no, I NEVER contact her for any reason. I have other exes or formerly close female acquaintances I'd love to hear from, but the two I think of the most seem to have vanished right off the planet. You just never know when you call someone up and say, "hey, remember me?" and they've been waiting for years wondering what happened to you.
It all just depends. Just pray about it and use your best judgment is all I can say. I'm sure whatever you did was the right thing to do. I've purposefully assumed the worst about your ex, but I'm hopeful things aren't really that bad. It never hurts to be prepared.
If I were you, I'd stay isolated from MOOS for a good 3 weeks at least. Take a good long rest from dating. Reset your mind and heart. This isn't easy. If you found her, you'll find someone else. Or the next one will find you. Don't sweat it either way. Believe me, when I broke off an engagement, my biggest fear had been being alone for the rest of my life. Once someone showed me that wouldn't happen, I began to believe that I'd rather be alone than with HER. One little nudge was all it took. The journey after was not fun, but my life is amazing now. Keep that in mind. You'll make it!
I took her to her favourite park, and the weather was nice, and I broke to her as gently as possible that I think we should just be friends, and that it wasn't because I didn't care about her or that I was mad at her. I gave her all the time she needed before taking her home. It was hard to do, and I'm still sad about it, but I think it was for the best, for both of us. Maybe how she can focus more on getting her life together, and I can focus more on getting mine together.
Ok, good. It's perfectly ok to let her know that it's not easy for you either, but you just need time all to yourself to not think about it for a while. But maybe in a month or two if she wants to call and just talk, that will be fine, as long as the relationship isn't part of the discussion. Focus on the future. In the meantime, if she texts or calls, you're "busy."
You're doing great. Hang in there.
18 Apr 2017, 1:05 pm
I know that later along you said that you 2 broke up. But you could still use this advice on any other woman you meet and go out with in your life. To save money on a date. You come to the girl's house or vice visera. And watch a movie. It could be a movie you already own or rent one. And just sit together and watch one. It's cheaper than going to a special event or out to eat. And you don't have other people to mess with.
