25 Apr 2017, 7:55 am
25 Apr 2017, 12:31 pm
Chronos wrote:
Shaggyfromscoobydoo wrote:
Chronos wrote:
Shaggyfromscoobydoo wrote:
Chronos wrote:
Shaggyfromscoobydoo wrote:
Chronos wrote:
Shaggyfromscoobydoo wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
This will be over when you leave school. You'll just have to grit your teeth and get through it. Crushes suck. There's this euphoria, but you know that it will come to nothing so there is this sadness too.
Try not to think about her. It's a difficult thing to do because the crush is a pleasant obsession, but we can control what we think about. So if you find your thoughts wandering to thinking about her, then force yourself to think about something else. Get engrossed in an activity you enjoy so that you can be distracted from thoughts of her.
It fades in time, but getting through the crush is difficult. I've been there.
Try not to think about her. It's a difficult thing to do because the crush is a pleasant obsession, but we can control what we think about. So if you find your thoughts wandering to thinking about her, then force yourself to think about something else. Get engrossed in an activity you enjoy so that you can be distracted from thoughts of her.
It fades in time, but getting through the crush is difficult. I've been there.
I understand it would be unwise to ever try to pursue her but why should I try to forget about her? The crush I have on her brings me a lot of happiness as you described so why try to move on? I just don't get what the problem is with fantasizing. Also even when you take away the attraction I still have so much admiration and appreciation for her I would always like to spend time with her no matter what.
You have admiration and appreciation for her, but do you have respect for her? I would not consider myself respected by you if I were in her situation, because you would be disrespecting my marriage. I too, once had a crush on a professor who was married. But I respected him, his marriage, and his wife. Because he was married, it would have been wrong for me to attempt to derive pleasure from him, or invoke pleasure in him, as the right to those things belonged exclusively to the domain of his wife. So, out or respect, I did not interact with him any more than necessary to complete the course.
I do respect my profesor and i dont think that wanting to improve our student professor relationship is a threat to her marriage. Never have I ever said or done anything that would insinuate I want to start a romantic relationship with her, nor will I ever. I do respect her and her family and I know her kids quite well. There is a big difference between a student professor relationship and the relationship of a couple.
I did not say it was a threat to her marriage, but it could be, regardless of whether or not you try to instigate a romantic relationship with her, because society has certain unspoken rules of engagement and appropriate degrees of proximity for certain relationships. Your social proximity to her, combined with her responses to you, even to your subconscious body language, could seed discord in her marriage in the form of jealousy by her spouse. Even if your relationship with her is entirely platonic, many relationships have been ruined for the fact that the spouse perceived what they viewed to be an inappropriate closeness between their partner and someone outside the marriage, and by inappropriate, this could be a non-sexual, deep social affinity. Trust me on this matter, I've seen it happen.
Shaggyfromscoobydoo wrote:
Maybe it was difficult for you to differentiate with your professor so that's why you just decided that any interaction with the person was bad.
No, it was not difficult for me to differentiate with my professor. I did not have any less interaction with him than I did any of my other professors. I did not make an effort to interact with him any less, or any more than any of my other professors. The key here is, my attractions to him did not influence my behavior such that I made an effort to become closer to him, and your attractions are influencing your behavior such that you are making an attempt to become closer with your professor.
Shaggyfromscoobydoo wrote:
Let's be honest though, probably neither of us were ever a threat to their marriages. Me personally even if my professor knows I have a crush on her I don't think she would view her young autistic student with puppy love as destructive to her marriage.
See above.
Most of my interactions are with those of the opposite sex. Granted, I'm not the most attractive women in the world, but that doesn't matter to the spouse. The spouse could become upset at any perceived breach of territory and part of respecting the person is not transgressing boundaries that could weaken the integrity of their marriage.
You do not have any further course work with this professor so what is your reason to want to get closer to her if not for your attraction to her?
A good analogy to what you are doing would be if an alcoholic walks into a bar and says to the bar tender "I'm an alcoholic, and I have no intention of getting drunk. *Sits down and orders a shot*. But...*takes a sip* I'm going to drink a few shots of this."
Yes I will admit that although I do have to see her on occasion regardless I am trying to get closer to her because I'm attracted to her. Of course it's not just because I think she's beautiful but also because she has always been very supportive of me and has helped me through some tough times. However, even though I no longer have any classes with her does that really mean our relationship can't continue. I know I have to be careful to not cross a line and do something inappropriate but is it really that unusual for a student to keep in contact with his professor after the class is over? Our interactions mostly just consist of innocent conversation and on occasion I will come to her for help or advice and other times she asks me for favors. I don't think there is anything wrong with this. If anything even if I wasn't attracted to her it would just be good to stay in touch so I could ask for a letter of reference in the future. I don't understand why this is bad only because I'm attracted to her because if I wasn't I probably would be behaving the same. It's just that as I've said before she really understands me supports me, and seems to care about me like few if any people ever have. I really can't help if I crave this sort of comfort I get from talking to her. I really do understand that I should never attempt or have expectations for our relationship to be romantic and I don't want it t be that way because I like what we have now. Plus I never see her husband. We've only met once and didn't actually talk. So given all this, am I really doing something "wrong"?
Well aside from what I've already said, you are deceiving her with respect to your intentions for the relationship. And personally I think that's very unbecoming of you. But I suppose you meant "wrong" from a practical perspective rather than from the perspective of principal.
At worst, you could destroy her marriage. So yes, it's wrong.
I'm pretty sure you're blowing this out of proportion. I respect your right to an opinion especially since I asked for it but I don't agree. It's really just an innocent crush. This week I'll probably see her to ask her to help me schedule my classes. Hopefully she doesn't divorce her husband after that.
Consider a number of things.
1. I'm almost twice as old as you, and probably have almost twice the life experience.
2. I'm female. I have more insight into how females perceive these situations.
3. Most of my friends and co-workers are of the opposite sex. I've learned from experience the right and wrong way to navigate co-ed relationships where the other individual is in a relationship.
So by what logic do you conclude that I'm someone to disagree with on this matter?
You don't have to answer that. I'm fairly certain your judgement is being skewed by your youth and feelings of attraction for this woman. But make note that you have been given fair warning of the trouble you may cause.
Are you telling me that I shouldn't go to her and ask her for help choosing my classes? You think this might cause trouble? This is literally as controversial as my interactions get with her. That's why I think you're kind of blowing the situation out of proportion.
25 Apr 2017, 12:32 pm
26 Apr 2017, 6:57 pm
Shaggyfromscoobydoo wrote:
Chronos wrote:
Shaggyfromscoobydoo wrote:
Chronos wrote:
Shaggyfromscoobydoo wrote:
Chronos wrote:
Shaggyfromscoobydoo wrote:
Chronos wrote:
Shaggyfromscoobydoo wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
This will be over when you leave school. You'll just have to grit your teeth and get through it. Crushes suck. There's this euphoria, but you know that it will come to nothing so there is this sadness too.
Try not to think about her. It's a difficult thing to do because the crush is a pleasant obsession, but we can control what we think about. So if you find your thoughts wandering to thinking about her, then force yourself to think about something else. Get engrossed in an activity you enjoy so that you can be distracted from thoughts of her.
It fades in time, but getting through the crush is difficult. I've been there.
Try not to think about her. It's a difficult thing to do because the crush is a pleasant obsession, but we can control what we think about. So if you find your thoughts wandering to thinking about her, then force yourself to think about something else. Get engrossed in an activity you enjoy so that you can be distracted from thoughts of her.
It fades in time, but getting through the crush is difficult. I've been there.
I understand it would be unwise to ever try to pursue her but why should I try to forget about her? The crush I have on her brings me a lot of happiness as you described so why try to move on? I just don't get what the problem is with fantasizing. Also even when you take away the attraction I still have so much admiration and appreciation for her I would always like to spend time with her no matter what.
You have admiration and appreciation for her, but do you have respect for her? I would not consider myself respected by you if I were in her situation, because you would be disrespecting my marriage. I too, once had a crush on a professor who was married. But I respected him, his marriage, and his wife. Because he was married, it would have been wrong for me to attempt to derive pleasure from him, or invoke pleasure in him, as the right to those things belonged exclusively to the domain of his wife. So, out or respect, I did not interact with him any more than necessary to complete the course.
I do respect my profesor and i dont think that wanting to improve our student professor relationship is a threat to her marriage. Never have I ever said or done anything that would insinuate I want to start a romantic relationship with her, nor will I ever. I do respect her and her family and I know her kids quite well. There is a big difference between a student professor relationship and the relationship of a couple.
I did not say it was a threat to her marriage, but it could be, regardless of whether or not you try to instigate a romantic relationship with her, because society has certain unspoken rules of engagement and appropriate degrees of proximity for certain relationships. Your social proximity to her, combined with her responses to you, even to your subconscious body language, could seed discord in her marriage in the form of jealousy by her spouse. Even if your relationship with her is entirely platonic, many relationships have been ruined for the fact that the spouse perceived what they viewed to be an inappropriate closeness between their partner and someone outside the marriage, and by inappropriate, this could be a non-sexual, deep social affinity. Trust me on this matter, I've seen it happen.
Shaggyfromscoobydoo wrote:
Maybe it was difficult for you to differentiate with your professor so that's why you just decided that any interaction with the person was bad.
No, it was not difficult for me to differentiate with my professor. I did not have any less interaction with him than I did any of my other professors. I did not make an effort to interact with him any less, or any more than any of my other professors. The key here is, my attractions to him did not influence my behavior such that I made an effort to become closer to him, and your attractions are influencing your behavior such that you are making an attempt to become closer with your professor.
Shaggyfromscoobydoo wrote:
Let's be honest though, probably neither of us were ever a threat to their marriages. Me personally even if my professor knows I have a crush on her I don't think she would view her young autistic student with puppy love as destructive to her marriage.
See above.
Most of my interactions are with those of the opposite sex. Granted, I'm not the most attractive women in the world, but that doesn't matter to the spouse. The spouse could become upset at any perceived breach of territory and part of respecting the person is not transgressing boundaries that could weaken the integrity of their marriage.
You do not have any further course work with this professor so what is your reason to want to get closer to her if not for your attraction to her?
A good analogy to what you are doing would be if an alcoholic walks into a bar and says to the bar tender "I'm an alcoholic, and I have no intention of getting drunk. *Sits down and orders a shot*. But...*takes a sip* I'm going to drink a few shots of this."
Yes I will admit that although I do have to see her on occasion regardless I am trying to get closer to her because I'm attracted to her. Of course it's not just because I think she's beautiful but also because she has always been very supportive of me and has helped me through some tough times. However, even though I no longer have any classes with her does that really mean our relationship can't continue. I know I have to be careful to not cross a line and do something inappropriate but is it really that unusual for a student to keep in contact with his professor after the class is over? Our interactions mostly just consist of innocent conversation and on occasion I will come to her for help or advice and other times she asks me for favors. I don't think there is anything wrong with this. If anything even if I wasn't attracted to her it would just be good to stay in touch so I could ask for a letter of reference in the future. I don't understand why this is bad only because I'm attracted to her because if I wasn't I probably would be behaving the same. It's just that as I've said before she really understands me supports me, and seems to care about me like few if any people ever have. I really can't help if I crave this sort of comfort I get from talking to her. I really do understand that I should never attempt or have expectations for our relationship to be romantic and I don't want it t be that way because I like what we have now. Plus I never see her husband. We've only met once and didn't actually talk. So given all this, am I really doing something "wrong"?
Well aside from what I've already said, you are deceiving her with respect to your intentions for the relationship. And personally I think that's very unbecoming of you. But I suppose you meant "wrong" from a practical perspective rather than from the perspective of principal.
At worst, you could destroy her marriage. So yes, it's wrong.
I'm pretty sure you're blowing this out of proportion. I respect your right to an opinion especially since I asked for it but I don't agree. It's really just an innocent crush. This week I'll probably see her to ask her to help me schedule my classes. Hopefully she doesn't divorce her husband after that.
Consider a number of things.
1. I'm almost twice as old as you, and probably have almost twice the life experience.
2. I'm female. I have more insight into how females perceive these situations.
3. Most of my friends and co-workers are of the opposite sex. I've learned from experience the right and wrong way to navigate co-ed relationships where the other individual is in a relationship.
So by what logic do you conclude that I'm someone to disagree with on this matter?
You don't have to answer that. I'm fairly certain your judgement is being skewed by your youth and feelings of attraction for this woman. But make note that you have been given fair warning of the trouble you may cause.
Are you telling me that I shouldn't go to her and ask her for help choosing my classes? You think this might cause trouble? This is literally as controversial as my interactions get with her. That's why I think you're kind of blowing the situation out of proportion.
You have an academic counselor who is more qualified to help you with your class schedule. Academic counselors counsel thousands of students in their course schedule and also get feedback from students and know which course combinations students are more likely to struggle with.
You think I'm blowing the situation out of proportion because you have not been around long enough to have life experiences that give you more insight on the matter. If I have not seen the ways in which these things can go bad, I would not have replied to your post because I would not have had anything to say.
I spent 15 years in upper academia by the way. That's more than half your life.
27 Apr 2017, 2:15 pm
Hi there. How are you? I like how we are exploring this topic of love between professors and students in depth. You are not the only one in the world who has a crush on the professor, so please do not feel isolated and alone in your experience. This is universal phenomena. You are sitting there, looking at her a few hours once or twice a week, and she or he is insanely physically attractive. It does not matter weather or not you are looking at the professor, student or a stranger, you can't deny the fact. Person is attractive. Period. It has an impact on you. It would be something wrong with an individual not to notice, seriously. 
In fact, almost everyone had a crush on professors at least once in their life time, even for a brief moment and for many different reasons. It could be physical attraction, it could be intellectual attraction, it could be emotional attraction, it could be spiritual attraction or all of it, or a combination of it.
The only difference between you and them is that the other people won't talk about it, and you had a courage to be honest here on message board anonymously, exposing yourself to all kinds of responses that may be hurtful, or plain wrong, just to understand this phenomenon and your own feelings. You are the smart one because you would like to understand it better and try to execute the best possible course of action where you will not do anything inappropriate or express your crush bluntly/directly to her (as long as you are student there), and she will act similarly, because both of you care enough and are very ethical. At the same time, you won't deny and block your feelings because it's human to feel and it makes you feel happy. It's not illegal to like, as long as you understand the protocol.
The conflict of interests exists right up front due to the nature of professional relationship. No matter what impact you as a student have on your professor, professors can not act on any romantic feelings, if they really care. When the professor really likes you he or she will allow you to focus on your studies and won't verbalize romantic interest to you. He or she will be friendly and helpful and responsive, maybe even show you creatively in some indirect way they do care, or they do like you, or they are into you, but will not cross the line, tell you directly, ask you out on a romantic date, make a move to kiss or touch, ask you if you have a girlfriend/boyfriend, talk about inappropriate things, because they care. But they can feel emotions just like anyone else, and keep it for themselves or communicate indirectly.
You said that you wish you knew what qualities she found attractive about him so you could find a woman like her for yourself. That is such an interesting thought. There is nobody like her, and nobody like you, and nobody like her husband. You do not need to be like her husband to be liked by a woman like her. We are usually attracted to others in different stages of life to accomplish some spiritual growth and these people we are attracted to are assisting us to do so, and vice versa. Thus, I would not interfere in that natural progress. In order for someone who is with person A, for instance, to end up with a person B, he or she must first be with a person A, grow and learn, then person B can materialize.
Regarding communication with your professor, it looks like you worry how to maintain the contact after you are no longer the student. Umm, if I were the professor, and I like the student, I would think that personal office visit is better. Who does not want to see someone they really like in person? Now from your perspective, perspective of student, it could be difficult to do so. All in all, I say some type of solid communication should happen in any form without forcing it.
As of thinking about her but never seeing her, well... you do not have to see someone to feel their presence.
| Similar Topics | |
|---|---|
| Hello Wrong Planet! |
03 Jul 2026, 1:53 pm |
| wrong planet is back! |
Yesterday, 6:54 pm |
| Is it wrong to talk about personal issues at work? |
05 Aug 2026, 7:19 pm |
| What´s your opinion on Love On The Specttrum? |
Yesterday, 5:24 pm |
