how much abuse is too much?

Post Reply New Topic

First off, ANY amount of abuse, even just ONE THING, is enough to show someone the door.

Now...what QUALIFIES as abuse may be iffy. Verbal abuse, mental/emotional abuse, gaslighting/environment abuse, isolation, and, of course, physical abuse are just a FEW no-no's that ought to be common sense by now.

In my view, there's always that ONE FRIEND in your mate's life who is out to get you. In my experience, it's the woman who is either affluent and feeling all snobby-superior, or she's unlucky in love, divorced, and very bitter towards men in general. Actually, in my case, she's both (it's complicated). And somehow my wife doesn't think she can live without this woman. I promise you, anyone in a LTR any length of time will run across this person, be it a woman or the "drinking buddy," "college buddy," "football buddy" or whatever, and you will find yourself in direct competition with this person for your SO or spouse.

Anyway... So over time, we've come up with these more/less evolving "rules" that govern our marriage, one of those being "No thing or person shall ever be tolerated that threatens or compromises the integrity of our marriage." Sounds good, right? Except when you say "No, I don't approve of you hanging out with this person. I don't like what she says about me and I don't like the way you act around me after you're with her." Oh, no, because NOW you're "isolating," "mean," and "abusive."

I dealt with this situation over time in different ways and have been somewhat successful. I do know how to permanently dislodge this person from our life, but that's not a step I'm willing nor am in a good position to take. What I DID do was 1) point out how destructive she was to our marriage, and 2) point out how HER behavior was itself abusive and isolating. When this woman went off the deep end one night and my wife started to fly out of the house to run to her, I told my wife she absolutely was NOT GOING.

Oh yes, I got an earful. And then I told my wife she would absolutely NOT SPEAKING to this woman, I got about 10 times more what I got earlier. I took a lot of punishment for what I said. But come sunrise we were still married. By the end of the next week all was forgiven and forgotten. Two months later they were back on speaking terms (with my "permission" and "blessing"). Her friend hates me now more than ever. But there is a new understanding of boundaries and relational meddling that are not to be jacked with.

The perception is that I'm some horrible, jealous monster. I'm prepared to live with that to some degree, and the integrity of our marriage will always take top priority. When things are going well, two people love each other and get along fine, it's wrong to meddle and I see no reason to do what it takes to protect it. It is just as wrong for an outsider to come in, man or woman, best friend or otherwise, and isolate a person's spouse to turn them against their partner. People tend to side against the offended spouse rather than see the intruder as the abuser, and this greatly disturbs me...that I end up being the "bad guy" for daring to fight it. Our relationship is strong and secure enough to endure these kinds of problems, but I feel that more marrieds find it easier to just run away with the meddler than choose their spouse.

Now, I said AAAAAAAALLLL that to say this: you can get away with this to a certain degree in marriage if you both believe in the strength of the marriage and are that deeply committed to it. This DOES NOT APPLY to bf/gf relationships. Your commitments in dating are entirely voluntary and unsecured by anything. You can walk away at any time. You value your freedom too much to let your guy/girl tell you who you can hang with and when? Dump 'em. Your gf lets her bff meddle in the relationships? "It's her or me, baby. Now, I need to know right away because there's still time to go fishing if I've got the day to myself."

There's such a fine line between what actually is abuse and what might more/less be minor trouble in a relationship or a marriage. Just be careful out there.

Well it's justified, take the car, if you have one of those VW/Audi 'switchkeys' it'll be tricky but not impossible, the ignition switch part is still machined of course. *hugs Volvo* Local shops might yet have you covered on that. I nearly bought a 5000CS Avant & 200- 20 valve turbos both; don't leave a poor defenseless Quattro with anybody you don't trust. Let him at some blasted Kia or whatever.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

I'm really lost on the dating - LTR - and marriage distinction. I don't have a switch I could flip after dating to make me "exclusive". Quite to the contrary, I'm exclusive when I have a crush, but not when the crush is gone. For me, these are all meaningless labels of the NT word. Marriage is a kind of legal contract, which is good to have if you have children.

I'm also not worried about "competition". I'm fine with wife turning polyamory, and if I get a crush on somebody else, the "solution" is not a divorce, but polyamory. This exclusivity sh*t just complicates everything and more or less guarantees that an LTR only will last til one of the partners falls in love with somebody else. The latter is not a conscious process, so it all comes down to an illusion of "for life" that simply is not there.

So, I'm not at all fine with AngelRhos way to "defend" his marriage. If the woman was an abusive type, I'd notify wife about it and hope she would terminate the friendship, but I'd never require her to do so.

Though for a v.2 A4 the shop needs a milling jig equipped to cut the corresponding blanks for its' VIN#.

If Seaweed's bored enough though I was born in California, I can send instructions to steal one's own car.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Your perception might be influenced by the environment you've been in for 4 years, but if you can connect with your gut feeling it could help you to make the right decisions especially when things get confusing during the break up.
It's good to make an exit plan and think through the possibilities, but don't fall into over analysing, it could lead to confusion and doubting your decision.
Sometimes with bad decisions we have to cut our losses, take what you need, your valuables, paperwork and your sentimental objects and leave while he isn't at home. He has put you through enough abuse, don't give him another opportunity... as a first step care for yourself enough to not put yourself in harms way.
I think this all starts with believing (even if you don't feel it) your real worth as a person, knowing that your emotions are not a reliable guide atm (perception) and thinking logically will help you to get to a place where you can start to grow into Seaweed as she is meant to be, be strong