What’s the likelihood?

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I would write him a letter promising not to "smother" him, and not to make explicit demands as to how he should "conduct himself" in the friendship. You want him to respond one way; he doesn't want to respond in that particular way.

I've had people try to tell me how to respond. It's something that bothers me. I would put my desires in the form of a request, rather than implore him to react the way you want him to react.

I believe extending a sort of "olive branch" could serve the purpose.

Cberg. . .. sorry I didn’t mean to ignore you. Thank you for your input. How did you and your friend work it out after she blocked you? Actually I don’t think my friend has blocked me, I can still see when he is online, he just chose to ignore my last message. . . .. and a further text message.. . .. . .

However. . . .. . I realise when talking it through. I’m not actually sure I want the full friendship back . . .. maybe we both just need a few months space . .. . . .

Thanks Kraftie . .. . . And I think you’re right. . .. he is ridiculously stubborn . . . but when a friendship feels so one sided is it any longer a friendship? . . .this is my dilemma. Time will tell . . .. . .. for now time apart will tell if we miss the good parts of our friendship enough for both people to compromise. . .. . ..

I have a lot of thoughts on this subject but can't put them all together at the moment. Sorry, the coffee has just not kicked in yet.

So there's just this thought - you will probably not get the reciprocation you want from an Aspie partner, or at least not the sort of reciprocation you as an NT recognize anyway. It's not right or wrong, it just is.

For Anna - I suspect in his mind, everything was going fine, and then suddenly you came at him, yet again, saying you wanted more reciprocation, and in his mind this was a criticism. (And I can almost guarantee you, if he's an Aspie he has had a lifetime of feeling criticized and attacked, whether it's been for real or imagined, and he's constantly on the defensive.)

I suspect the kind of friendship he wants is one where you connect at his convenience, when he feels comfortable, and then you go your own separate ways until he needs your connection again. You are going to have to be okay with this - like REALLY okay with his, and not hounding him for YOUR version of friendship - because he simply can't operate that way. It's like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole - you can't force it, because it simply won't work.

EDIT: The reality is that you as the NT are probably the more socially adaptable one, and if you want him to be a friend in your life, you are going to have to adapt to him and allow him to have his way on a lot of things. Once again, it's not right or wrong, it's like a cultural difference - it just is.

Luluh you are absolutely right . . .. . And I know that . . .. . .. the difficulty is that it wasn’t always like this . . . .or the amount he wanted me in his life was a lot more. . . . So it has felt like rejection recently. . . . . .

I think some space, and then possibly restart the friendship on the new terms may work, and yes he takes EVERYTHING I say as criticism. . . .. .

Thank you for your thoughts

@Ann - We still see each other, although on a completely sporadic basis. Taking a break from communicating digitally was important. In person we get along fine. She wears the pants, no question there.

After a day at work I need long hours of loneliness and self-care to recover from the social stress.
This is what I NEED, even if I WANT friends. When I say "I need loneliness", I mean that it is a matter of survival (really). Engaging in social interaction after work, particularly on a regular basis, with a friend, even a friend I like a lot is like asking me to run 10 km when I am already exhausted and out of breath. I can do it but it is risky for my health. If you ask this to me every day, I would simply burn out. Hence the relief even if the relationship was good.

The good balance for me would be to see someone once every month, for one or two hours, not more, but i'm conscious that it is not acceptable for most of people, and this may not lead to in-depth relationships. So I force myself to more meetings and it leads me ineluctably to a nervous breakdown. Then I need to stop urgently, right away and for ever (otherwise I worry for the next meeting and it makes it worse).

How can you explain to someone: "I like you a lot but meeting you more than one hour a month is exhausting", seriously who wouldn't laugh at that?

I'm sorry for the ones I left because they would never understand why.

Do you know what . .. . . .they may just understand. . . . .and it would help rather than thinking someone just doesn’t like you enough to want to spend time with you.

My friend was overwhelmed he had been in a frenetic, busy, social , noisy environment all week . . .. I just said the wrong thing at the wrong time. I know that. . . .. but I am human too. . . . .maybe in months to come he will forgive me.

I think that's a case where the fear of confrontation, (especially if it's with someone who has criticized them for their need for isolation) is so incredibly strong they'd rather just avoid it altogether.

Honestly I treat my partner (who is an Aspie) sort of like a cat. You know with a cat, if you pay too much attention to them, they freak out and run away. But if you ignore them, they're all over you, but it's entirely on their terms. I know that's a terrible analogy and it's not meant to be insulting at all, but it's the best I can come up with.

Like I said, they would never understand the overwhelming stuff of social interaction.
Appart from that it is helpful to accept that friendship and love
1. are not necessarily endless
2. are not necessarily reciprocal
3. are rarely reciprocal and endless

You may not force someone to love you, nor take it for granted for any reason, nor demand it to be the way you want it to be, nor demand it lasts for ever. This is nonsense and against nature.

Love is free, or is not.

Pretty clever aspie treatment
Maybe some would understand but if I need to be alone most of the time, there is actually no real relationship (only some kind of cat relationship). In this case, the other, especially NT, is feeling not taken care of, needs more interaction, needs more "reciprocation" like on the NT love market, so the result is as much deceiving in the end isn't it?

The best would be not to start the relationship.

For me the biggest issue has always been what appeared to be the changing rules . . .. . To begin with he wanted lots of text and messages . . .. but not so much actual contact, we used to meet once a month for a day out, but text often at least once every day in between times. The actual contact became more, but less and less virtual contact. . . . To the point that I genuinely thought we had fallen out.

If I tried to discuss the change, and to understand what he wanted. . . Then he got cross. . . .. . . .

I guess he confused me, and I irritated him. . . . .to the point we are at now.

Never mind . . .. . . .. . .. . . Nought I can do

Maybe send him tons of messages, tell him how much you have been suffering just to cope with his awkward and harmful attitude, tell him how much he is unfair to leave you alone, tell him how much it is unfair that he does not even pretend to love you, tell him that he is responsible for your happiness or sadness, tell him that he should forgive you whatever you said or did, because as a matter of fact it is just written in the destiny of your fairy tale that he has to love you, he has no choice, it must be like this, as you are the one who decide, tell him it is not important if he doesn't want to see you as the important thing is that you decided that the little dog has to come to your feet and the little dog has to obey and he will maybe finally come back to you with flowers and a ring.

Aww don't be too hard on her, I get where she's coming from, it's difficult to get into another person's head and try to see where they are coming from, especially if the friendship starts out in one place and ends up sort of in another and that friend happens to be someone who doesn't think the same way you do.

Anna, you got this, just let it lie for a while then maybe initiate a breezy contact. Have you ever heard a song by a band called 38 Special? Probably not, they were sort of big here in the States in the 80s, but anyway one of their songs goes "Hold on loosely, but don't let go; if you cling too tightly, you're going to lose control." That's my advice.

If you read what I have said. . . . I have taken responsibility throughout for my part in the breakdown. . .. . I have said I am giving him space, and if you read all my previous posts you will see how much I have tried to adapt and understand. . .. .

I have also said it may be that he just can’t be bothered with me any more . . .. . .

I have no intention of being a victim . . . .and if he is happier without me in my life, I understand and wish him only good things

Thank luhluh. . . . .it is my exact approach. The chances are we will come into contact at some point we have shared interests and friends. I hope when that happens we will be friends . .. . .. actually it always seems when we see each other in person he “remembers” who I am actually. . . . .. the person he thinks is at the end of the text seems to annoy him a lot more . . . . . .but in the meantime some space