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The_Face_of_Boo
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28 Apr 2018, 7:40 am

elsapelsa wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
elsapelsa wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
magz wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
But here's the trickier thing, your husband for example may have picked you as THE one because EVERYONE else rejected him and you're the only who accepted him , but if he was a hot Playboy chased by hundreds of babes he may not have picked you at all.

No?

If he was a hot Playboy chased by hundreds of babes, I wouldn't bother with him :D I dislike crowds and competition.



Coward... tsk tsk.


I have every confidence Magz would be able to take them (the hundreds of babes) on hands down. :P

These kinds of threads always make me feel very confused as to whether I have been on quite a few "outings" with people who thought we were on a date when I just thought we were hanging out. :lol:


If he is a male, and 1-on-1 outing = it’s always a date from his perspective.

We just call it outing to be PC.


This can not be true. Most of my friends are male and some of them I have been friends with for 20 years. In some of these friendships it has come out in retrospect that there were times when they wanted more from the friendship but in others I believe they have always been entirely platonic. In at least two of the ones I class as entirely platonic we have even shared beds together for longer periods without it being complicated.

Also, what about a scenario where I am a visiting researcher at another university - a male colleague in the department (he's married and I am married) asks me over for dinner as I don't know many people in town. His daughter is there. Is this a date? I would assume not. But as soon as his daughter went to bed he tried to kiss me. Surely, that is a mistake on his behalf gone terribly wrong as opposed to a date which I didn't realise was a date.



Do you think your male friends would say No if you offer them sex?



elsapelsa
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28 Apr 2018, 7:54 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
elsapelsa wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
elsapelsa wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
magz wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
But here's the trickier thing, your husband for example may have picked you as THE one because EVERYONE else rejected him and you're the only who accepted him , but if he was a hot Playboy chased by hundreds of babes he may not have picked you at all.

No?

If he was a hot Playboy chased by hundreds of babes, I wouldn't bother with him :D I dislike crowds and competition.



Coward... tsk tsk.


I have every confidence Magz would be able to take them (the hundreds of babes) on hands down. :P

These kinds of threads always make me feel very confused as to whether I have been on quite a few "outings" with people who thought we were on a date when I just thought we were hanging out. :lol:


If he is a male, and 1-on-1 outing = it’s always a date from his perspective.

We just call it outing to be PC.


This can not be true. Most of my friends are male and some of them I have been friends with for 20 years. In some of these friendships it has come out in retrospect that there were times when they wanted more from the friendship but in others I believe they have always been entirely platonic. In at least two of the ones I class as entirely platonic we have even shared beds together for longer periods without it being complicated.

Also, what about a scenario where I am a visiting researcher at another university - a male colleague in the department (he's married and I am married) asks me over for dinner as I don't know many people in town. His daughter is there. Is this a date? I would assume not. But as soon as his daughter went to bed he tried to kiss me. Surely, that is a mistake on his behalf gone terribly wrong as opposed to a date which I didn't realise was a date.



Do you think your male friends would say No if you offer them sex?


That would never happen. And they would most definetly say 'no.' They are mostly married with beautiful wives. And if it didn't happen when we were young and single, then it is even less likely it will happen now. Just not an issue.

My oldest friend (who I have been friends with since I was 15), even feels comfortable talking now of how he used to be in love with me when we were younger. It is not even awkward now. I am sure he has even told his wife. She doesn't appear the least bit threatened by this. Sadly we live so far away from each other that to meet we have to travel great distances and meet at a place in the middle and she encourages him to do that. I am sure she wouldn't do that if she felt in any way uncomfortable with our friendship.


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whatamievendoing
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28 Apr 2018, 8:16 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
whatamievendoing wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
If he is a male, and 1-on-1 outing = it’s always a date from his perspective.

We just call it outing to be PC.


Stop generalizing, Boo.

The opposite sex doesn't exist for the sole purpose of serving as a pool of potential romantic/sexual partners. I have a female friend with whom I've spent a fair amount of time one-on-one, and we've established that our relationship is strictly platonic. And I certainly don't think of our one-on-one outings as dates to any extent. She's taken anyway, so that gives me even more reason not to.



Would you reject her if she asks you to be her boyfriend?


No, but that's a different matter. It has less to do with certain feelings I don't even have towards her and more with the way I view her as a person.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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28 Apr 2018, 8:24 am

whatamievendoing wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
whatamievendoing wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
If he is a male, and 1-on-1 outing = it’s always a date from his perspective.

We just call it outing to be PC.


Stop generalizing, Boo.

The opposite sex doesn't exist for the sole purpose of serving as a pool of potential romantic/sexual partners. I have a female friend with whom I've spent a fair amount of time one-on-one, and we've established that our relationship is strictly platonic. And I certainly don't think of our one-on-one outings as dates to any extent. She's taken anyway, so that gives me even more reason not to.



Would you reject her if she asks you to be her boyfriend?


No, but that's a different matter. It has less to do with certain feelings I don't even have towards her and more with the way I view her as a person.



So you do like her.

If you didn’t feel attracted to her, would you have approached her in the first place (and ended up as friends)?

Also why are you assuming that if the guy has a sexual intention toward a friend girl = not seeing her as a person? This is a ridiculous narrative.

whatamievendoing, it is important for you to become honest with yourself.



Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 28 Apr 2018, 8:29 am, edited 1 time in total.

The_Face_of_Boo
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28 Apr 2018, 8:28 am

elsapelsa wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
elsapelsa wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
elsapelsa wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
magz wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
But here's the trickier thing, your husband for example may have picked you as THE one because EVERYONE else rejected him and you're the only who accepted him , but if he was a hot Playboy chased by hundreds of babes he may not have picked you at all.

No?

If he was a hot Playboy chased by hundreds of babes, I wouldn't bother with him :D I dislike crowds and competition.



Coward... tsk tsk.


I have every confidence Magz would be able to take them (the hundreds of babes) on hands down. :P

These kinds of threads always make me feel very confused as to whether I have been on quite a few "outings" with people who thought we were on a date when I just thought we were hanging out. :lol:


If he is a male, and 1-on-1 outing = it’s always a date from his perspective.

We just call it outing to be PC.


This can not be true. Most of my friends are male and some of them I have been friends with for 20 years. In some of these friendships it has come out in retrospect that there were times when they wanted more from the friendship but in others I believe they have always been entirely platonic. In at least two of the ones I class as entirely platonic we have even shared beds together for longer periods without it being complicated.

Also, what about a scenario where I am a visiting researcher at another university - a male colleague in the department (he's married and I am married) asks me over for dinner as I don't know many people in town. His daughter is there. Is this a date? I would assume not. But as soon as his daughter went to bed he tried to kiss me. Surely, that is a mistake on his behalf gone terribly wrong as opposed to a date which I didn't realise was a date.



Do you think your male friends would say No if you offer them sex?


That would never happen. And they would most definetly say 'no.' They are mostly married with beautiful wives. And if it didn't happen when we were young and single, then it is even less likely it will happen now. Just not an issue.

My oldest friend (who I have been friends with since I was 15), even feels comfortable talking now of how he used to be in love with me when we were younger. It is not even awkward now. I am sure he has even told his wife. She doesn't appear the least bit threatened by this. Sadly we live so far away from each other that to meet we have to travel great distances and meet at a place in the middle and she encourages him to do that. I am sure she wouldn't do that if she felt in any way uncomfortable with our friendship.



It never happened because you have never offered.



elsapelsa
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28 Apr 2018, 8:40 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
elsapelsa wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
elsapelsa wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
elsapelsa wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
magz wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
But here's the trickier thing, your husband for example may have picked you as THE one because EVERYONE else rejected him and you're the only who accepted him , but if he was a hot Playboy chased by hundreds of babes he may not have picked you at all.

No?

If he was a hot Playboy chased by hundreds of babes, I wouldn't bother with him :D I dislike crowds and competition.



Coward... tsk tsk.


I have every confidence Magz would be able to take them (the hundreds of babes) on hands down. :P

These kinds of threads always make me feel very confused as to whether I have been on quite a few "outings" with people who thought we were on a date when I just thought we were hanging out. :lol:


If he is a male, and 1-on-1 outing = it’s always a date from his perspective.

We just call it outing to be PC.


This can not be true. Most of my friends are male and some of them I have been friends with for 20 years. In some of these friendships it has come out in retrospect that there were times when they wanted more from the friendship but in others I believe they have always been entirely platonic. In at least two of the ones I class as entirely platonic we have even shared beds together for longer periods without it being complicated.

Also, what about a scenario where I am a visiting researcher at another university - a male colleague in the department (he's married and I am married) asks me over for dinner as I don't know many people in town. His daughter is there. Is this a date? I would assume not. But as soon as his daughter went to bed he tried to kiss me. Surely, that is a mistake on his behalf gone terribly wrong as opposed to a date which I didn't realise was a date.



Do you think your male friends would say No if you offer them sex?


That would never happen. And they would most definetly say 'no.' They are mostly married with beautiful wives. And if it didn't happen when we were young and single, then it is even less likely it will happen now. Just not an issue.

My oldest friend (who I have been friends with since I was 15), even feels comfortable talking now of how he used to be in love with me when we were younger. It is not even awkward now. I am sure he has even told his wife. She doesn't appear the least bit threatened by this. Sadly we live so far away from each other that to meet we have to travel great distances and meet at a place in the middle and she encourages him to do that. I am sure she wouldn't do that if she felt in any way uncomfortable with our friendship.



It never happened because you have never offered.


No. You are entirely wrong. It is all about what you value most in the relationship. Initially that might appear like a choice, even a hard choice with some or for some, and then as the choice is made and more time passes it becomes clearer and clearer and it isn't even a choice anymore. It is pretty set in stone.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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28 Apr 2018, 8:44 am

elsapelsa wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
elsapelsa wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
elsapelsa wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
elsapelsa wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
magz wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
But here's the trickier thing, your husband for example may have picked you as THE one because EVERYONE else rejected him and you're the only who accepted him , but if he was a hot Playboy chased by hundreds of babes he may not have picked you at all.

No?

If he was a hot Playboy chased by hundreds of babes, I wouldn't bother with him :D I dislike crowds and competition.



Coward... tsk tsk.


I have every confidence Magz would be able to take them (the hundreds of babes) on hands down. :P

These kinds of threads always make me feel very confused as to whether I have been on quite a few "outings" with people who thought we were on a date when I just thought we were hanging out. :lol:


If he is a male, and 1-on-1 outing = it’s always a date from his perspective.

We just call it outing to be PC.


This can not be true. Most of my friends are male and some of them I have been friends with for 20 years. In some of these friendships it has come out in retrospect that there were times when they wanted more from the friendship but in others I believe they have always been entirely platonic. In at least two of the ones I class as entirely platonic we have even shared beds together for longer periods without it being complicated.

Also, what about a scenario where I am a visiting researcher at another university - a male colleague in the department (he's married and I am married) asks me over for dinner as I don't know many people in town. His daughter is there. Is this a date? I would assume not. But as soon as his daughter went to bed he tried to kiss me. Surely, that is a mistake on his behalf gone terribly wrong as opposed to a date which I didn't realise was a date.



Do you think your male friends would say No if you offer them sex?


That would never happen. And they would most definetly say 'no.' They are mostly married with beautiful wives. And if it didn't happen when we were young and single, then it is even less likely it will happen now. Just not an issue.

My oldest friend (who I have been friends with since I was 15), even feels comfortable talking now of how he used to be in love with me when we were younger. It is not even awkward now. I am sure he has even told his wife. She doesn't appear the least bit threatened by this. Sadly we live so far away from each other that to meet we have to travel great distances and meet at a place in the middle and she encourages him to do that. I am sure she wouldn't do that if she felt in any way uncomfortable with our friendship.



It never happened because you have never offered.


No. You are entirely wrong. It is all about what you value most in the relationship. Initially that might appear like a choice, even a hard choice with some or for some, and then as the choice is made and more time passes it becomes clearer and clearer and it isn't even a choice anymore. It is pretty set in stone.


This is what YOU think.

So are you a mind reader? Did you read all their minds?



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28 Apr 2018, 8:54 am

Quote:
Also, what about a scenario where I am a visiting researcher at another university - a male colleague in the department (he's married and I am married) asks me over for dinner as I don't know many people in town. His daughter is there. Is this a date? I would assume not. But as soon as his daughter went to bed he tried to kiss me. Surely, that is a mistake on his behalf gone terribly wrong as opposed to a date which I didn't realise was a date



So how does this story refute my theory?

Honestly I think you are too naive. Let me you tell of an unwritten rule to avoid such awkward situations:

You, as a married person (assuming you are in a monogamous relationship), should NEVER accept a 1-on-1 *dinner in house* invitation from the opposite sex whether he is married or not. Period.

Did you know earlier that his daughter will be there?



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28 Apr 2018, 9:04 am

^^ These are different scenarios.

Yes, he invited me over to play board games with him and his daughter and for dinner with them as I was new to the department. That case is someone I never became friend with. My point with that example is that that was not a date.

The others are people I have been friends with for 10-20 years and never had issues with.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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28 Apr 2018, 9:07 am

elsapelsa wrote:
^^ These are different scenarios.

Yes, he invited me over to play board games with him and his daughter and for dinner with them as I was new to the department. That case is someone I never became friend with. My point with that example is that that was not a date.

The others are people I have been friends with for 10-20 years and never had issues with.



and you never wondered where the hell is his wife?



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28 Apr 2018, 9:08 am

She was a professor at another university and they lived apart for a bit of the week. That example says more about him than me. He divorced his wife a few years later so he was obviously having a hard time in his own relationship.


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28 Apr 2018, 9:11 am

You know all of this really boils down to one thing. Should I objectify men and treat men as a group that are only interested in having sex with women as their primary aim in male-female interaction. Should I live with the assumption that given the chance all my male friends would really like to sleep with me. No. I am not going to do that and I think I have enough empirical evidence to suggest that that is not the case at all.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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28 Apr 2018, 9:11 am

elsapelsa wrote:
She was a professor at another university and they lived apart for a bit of the week. That example says more about him than me. He divorced his wife a few years later so he was obviously having a hard time in his own relationship.


Yes I agree that says more about him.

But that example also means you’re naive, the whole thing sounds fishy; why didn’t he invite other colleagues over? why just you? why when his wife was away?

So my final judgement on this case: He was a cheater; and you were naive.



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28 Apr 2018, 9:31 am

I don't agree with that assessment. Should I have differentiated between an invitation from him versus a female colleague? I really don't think it makes that much of a difference. Culturally and socially it was not strange for me to accept this invitation. I have had the same issue with women in the past. So should I not socialise with anyone in fear that they might assume my presence there to be an invitation to physical contact? Besides that was a one-off unpleasant result. What about all the males I have been friends with who have respected boundaries. He was a bad nut, that's all.


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whatamievendoing
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28 Apr 2018, 9:35 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
whatamievendoing wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
whatamievendoing wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
If he is a male, and 1-on-1 outing = it’s always a date from his perspective.

We just call it outing to be PC.


Stop generalizing, Boo.

The opposite sex doesn't exist for the sole purpose of serving as a pool of potential romantic/sexual partners. I have a female friend with whom I've spent a fair amount of time one-on-one, and we've established that our relationship is strictly platonic. And I certainly don't think of our one-on-one outings as dates to any extent. She's taken anyway, so that gives me even more reason not to.



Would you reject her if she asks you to be her boyfriend?


No, but that's a different matter. It has less to do with certain feelings I don't even have towards her and more with the way I view her as a person.



So you do like her.

If you didn’t feel attracted to her, would you have approached her in the first place (and ended up as friends)?

Also why are you assuming that if the guy has a sexual intention toward a friend girl = not seeing her as a person? This is a ridiculous narrative.

whatamievendoing, it is important for you to become honest with yourself.


Way to misread my post.

First of all, what makes you think I approached her? She was the one who started talking to me back on the first day of school. Besides, she made it clear on that very same day that she was taken - that was enough grounds for me to not even think about attempting a romantic relationship with her. We simply became friends, and I intend to keep it at that.

Second, I didn't mean to say that I'm not completely opposed to the idea of us being a couple simply because I (don't) see her as a person, but my point was that she presents herself in a way that I consider ideal in a potential partner. But in all fairness, my phrasing there could easily be misinterpreted in the way you evidently did, so I apologize for that.


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elsapelsa
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28 Apr 2018, 10:45 am

whatamievendoing wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
whatamievendoing wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
whatamievendoing wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
If he is a male, and 1-on-1 outing = it’s always a date from his perspective.

We just call it outing to be PC.


Stop generalizing, Boo.

The opposite sex doesn't exist for the sole purpose of serving as a pool of potential romantic/sexual partners. I have a female friend with whom I've spent a fair amount of time one-on-one, and we've established that our relationship is strictly platonic. And I certainly don't think of our one-on-one outings as dates to any extent. She's taken anyway, so that gives me even more reason not to.



Would you reject her if she asks you to be her boyfriend?


No, but that's a different matter. It has less to do with certain feelings I don't even have towards her and more with the way I view her as a person.



So you do like her.

If you didn’t feel attracted to her, would you have approached her in the first place (and ended up as friends)?

Also why are you assuming that if the guy has a sexual intention toward a friend girl = not seeing her as a person? This is a ridiculous narrative.

whatamievendoing, it is important for you to become honest with yourself.


Way to misread my post.

First of all, what makes you think I approached her? She was the one who started talking to me back on the first day of school. Besides, she made it clear on that very same day that she was taken - that was enough grounds for me to not even think about attempting a romantic relationship with her. We simply became friends, and I intend to keep it at that.

Second, I didn't mean to say that I'm not completely opposed to the idea of us being a couple simply because I (don't) see her as a person, but my point was that she presents herself in a way that I consider ideal in a potential partner. But in all fairness, my phrasing there could easily be misinterpreted in the way you evidently did, so I apologize for that.


^^

It is the 'intend' to keep it like that that I also refer to, these things don't happen in a vacuum or beyond people's control. It is a choice. You can choose to 'just' be friends irrespective of whether there is an attraction there or not.


The people who struggle to respect boundaries are probably not the best candidates for good friendships anyway.


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