Interested or Just Being Friendly?

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Me --> <--cyberdad

Thanks!

I felt a little uncomfortable, but I’m always uncomfortable talking to people I don’t know because I’m shy.

That’s pretty much it. You’re both interjecting the way you would personally react to the situation without reading what I’m actually saying.

I think the fact of the matter is that it is usually impossible to tell with complete strangers unless you are the type of person who is really gifted in intuition. I know people who can tell what someone is about within 5 minutes, and they are right at least 90% of the time. Most people, including most NTs, don't have this gift though.

I think in part you can tell if someone is interested in you (in the general, not necessarily romantic but not necessarily not romantic) sense if they talk with you about things that don't immediately benefit them. People who want to talk about ideas and experiences as opposed to people who suggest that you do this or that.

Now, just because someone is interested in you doesn't mean that it is necessarily romantic, or that their intentions are good. Someone could be interested in using you sexually, or other people are only interested in you for social validation if you'll listen to what they have to say.

You get a better picture over time. It is hard to fake consistency, so if someone continually engages with you in ways that are mutually enjoyable and without their being a direct benefit to either of you beyond the mere enjoyment of each other, then that is the best sign.

As to telling whether someone is specifically romantically interested or not, this gets really murky. It is hard to tell the difference between someone who just enjoys your company vs someone who wants a romance with you. If you have had, say, 2-3 good times together, then the best way to know for sure is to ask in an unambiguous but easy going way. Something simple like, 'I think you're pretty cool, would you like to go on a date sometime?' If they react poorly, you can say 'It's no problem if you want to keep things just-friends'. I have never lost a friend this way, and have gotten a lot of closure out of this personally. The key is to keep it low pressure and make sure they know that it's cool if they just want to remain friends.

It can be harder as a women, as there are plenty of guys who have a semi-romantic but mostly sexual interest in you. My advice to women is that, if you are OK with something just being a sexual fling, don't worry about it too much. If you are only interested in something more exclusive/serious, then try to take it more slowly when getting physical. There should be a slow, but steady progression. Cultures vary, but assuming roughly 1 date per week, I would say a hug is OK after 1-2 dates, a kiss is OK after 2-3 dates, and sex is OK after 4-5+ dates. Waiting longer is fine if that's what you're comfortable with, but the culture is very fast passed these days and holding off more can imply that you are not interested. The point is rather that someone who is just trying to use you sexually will probably give up after 3 dates, so you are less likely to get purely used. You have to calibrate these numbers with your own needs/desires and local culture, but this is a rough idea.

Unfortunately, even NT people struggle with this sort of thing, and you can really only get so confident before you have to take a risk and go for it. There is and will always be a risk in relationships, and even more so for romantic relationships. I think the key is to have a reasonable understanding that things might not go well, but to be willing to expose yourself to the negative consequences of a bad interaction as it is necessary if you want to expose yourself to the potential of a positive outcome.

Actually, we did read very well what you were saying, paying attention to the tiniest details that you have provided.

You’re misreading the intention behind what I’m saying.

Just because I find someone attractive doesn’t mean I want to go out with him or her. I’m not going out with any random person I just met. I always need to be friends with a guy for a long time first. I know from experience that just because a guy is good-looking doesn’t mean that he’s worth my time.

Do I need to provide pictures of men I’ve dated?

Although I suppose you know what I think better than I do.

This is just a really sensitive and triggering topic. I also abhor when someone claims to know what I’m thinking better than I do.

It's possible she and this guy are basically from two different planets. Based on how the situation was described, I think you'd have to be American to understand the cultural issues involved.

I think in my grandad's day women wore what were called "cokebottle" glasses which do have a rather deflating effect on a man's libido.

Nowadays you have fashion spectacles and contact lenses...

I think you are misreading me? all I said was that you "kept an eye on him" (which you did since you observed he was "attractive") so if your paths cross then you can "observe" his personality as well....I never said date him...